Slate‘s Dear Prudence Misfires on Statutory Rape
For today's Dear Prudence, Slate's advice column, Prudie a.k.a. Emily Yoffe takes on a doozy: A man who carried on a years-long affair with his stepmother and now struggles with how to tell his father. The son, 15 years his stepmother's junior, began sleeping with her when he was 17 years old, but continued the affair throughout college and beyond. Two years ago, he broke it off; now, as his father prepares to divorce the woman for (unrelated) infidelity, she's threatening to spill the beans if the son doesn't help her get what she wants.
Generally, I'm a big Prudie fan. And admittedly, this is a tough nut to crack. But this time, while Prudie's overall advice—tell Dad, verrrryyy caaarrrefully—is on the mark, her specifics get into victim-blaming territory. Quoth Prudie:
Tell your father you have been living with a sickening, shameful secret that has been a blot on your life. Give as brief an account as possible and emphasize that you were a minor when she seduced you. (It would help if you were also a virgin.)
Prudie's advice plays into an age-old rape excuse: Just replace "but she was a slut" with "but he was a horny 17-year-old boy." Virgin or no, the 17-year-old was certainly taken advantage of—and yes, raped—by his much-older stepmother. That rape resulted in a pattern of fucked-up-edness with a clearly exploitive woman that the man was only recently able to end. Even now, it will almost certainly ruin his relationship with his father. Prudie would do best not to add insult to injury by insinuating the man could only have been coerced into having sex with this woman if he was an entirely inexperienced teen.
10:04 pm
It'd make the divorce open and shut too! Everyone wins!
8:55 am
How was he raped? Fucking a hot, older woman is every teen boy's fantasy.
Yeah, sure, there's a law that says 17 year olds are children and 18 year olds are full blown adults, but we both know it's not that simple.
9:14 am
If it's not that simple, look at the context. A woman who was MARRIED TO HIS FATHER and who has, since then, habitually exploited sex with this man for personal gain (this time, for money) took advantage of him as a teenager (and as you pointed out, not of legal age) and ruined his family life. Is that every teen boy's fantasy?
12:59 pm
The man here clearly bears equal responsibility for ruining his family life, so it's hard to be as sympathetic to the blackmail. For the majority of their relationship, these two were consenting adults (and, indeed, in many states both of them were consenting adults for the entire relationship). Even if we grant that the woman exploited a power differential to start the relationship, this man was free to stop boning his stepmother for years and chose to continue. And now that dad is going to find out about it, he shouts "RAPE" to obfuscate the fact he's been cuckolding his father for a decade.
1:12 pm
Those who do not consider this rape---point taken. I do, however, still find the advice strange and unsettling. It's rape or it's not rape. But "hey, it would be better if you were a virgin---that would be much rapey-er" is insulting to other rape victims, if not this dude.
5:10 pm
wow the man does not hold equal responsibility at all. However, this does get into the more interesting idea that sexually exploitive behavior (rape or not) is not always an easy thing to identify. As a 17 year old you can't really hold him too responsible, but when he's 32?
2:13 am
In the vast majority of states this is not considered rape, as the age of consent in most states is below 18.