And having been a preacher’s kid, I hope in some ways you can love your Dad, but sorry, if he is still around, and condemning you, or saying ’self brainwash, self brainwash’
(pray) yourself, you just have to shut that out of your mind. Lest the emotional desire vs the anxiety of trying and failing to be what you are not leads to depression.

Depression is btw when you absolutely want to change something, whatever it may be, and you simply cannot. Been there over other things. Don’t go there yourself, over sexuality for sure.

Well, 9th grade puts you about 13 or 14. Puberty raging. And that is about the age when kids who are gay begin to realize that is so, though often there are signs as early as 9 or 10.

Please don’t blame the media, or whatever, or most of all yourself. The American Med. Association, and the American Psychological, Psychoanalytical, Psychological association and Pediatric associations all say being gay an inborn trait. People with multiple Doctorate degrees, and not in superstitions from ancient history.

And from data I’ve seen and people I’ve met, I’d bet that while blind studies show just under 6% of people identify as gay, probably another 4-6 % are secretly gay, often hetero married, and unhappy or victims of multiple marriages and attendant divorces. And so often, those who are out to condemn gay people are secretly themselves gay, hating themselves, and desperately trying to hide who they are. Psychology 101

You have nothing to be ashamed about. The church will prey on you with guilt, as they apparently did per your statement. So be proud of who you are, find someone to love in an appropriate relationship (age, interests, etc) and enjoy life. I’ll take vags anytime, but consider yourself someone special. Women are great for me re sex, but after decades of marriage to to the same woman, I only see more and more how our thought processes differ. The struggle is being flexible enough to respect her ideas, and vv.

And, btw, I’ve seen info saying that something on the X chromosone from the mother may determine sexual attraction. And its so interesting that when an identical twin is gay, 50% chance the other one is also. And it has nothing to do with upbringing, eg in 99% of these cases both parents were str8, and the couple of (one twin)s I’ve met in this situation seem perfectly normal people, but I could suspect they were gay and they admitted it.

And my greatest fear, being older and looking at my Mom and her siblings and her Mother’s genetic inheritance, is that I have inherited something that really is lousy, and if I had a choice, I’d far rather inherit being gay then this other thing – Altsheimers, where you go down constantly until you are mentally a vegetable – I saw it happen. And the final evil of that inheritance is that you don’t dare keep a gun around to commit suicide, because you might shoot the wrong person.

So, in the big scheme of things, maybe you are the lucky one.

Somewhere they asked what name should be given to Baby Palins new Baby. I would suggest the following:

“ABSTINENCE”, as a reminder of what doesn’t work.

:-)