Abstinence is Out: What Little Girls Should Pledge Instead
Little girls who recently pledged their abstinence until marriage: I’ve got bad news and I’ve got good news. The bad news is that some study just came out saying those pledges don’t work. As it turns out, girls who pledge to stay chaste—even those who ensure their virginity through collectible tween-sized silvercrafts or ornate pre-prom daddy-daughter purity balls—are having sex anyway (that’s the good news).
Conservatives are up in arms about the implications this study has on the sex lives of you girls—oh no, they’re totally doing it, and not to have babies! But what of the deeper psychological compulsion this study has exposed in daddies and daughters alike: The need to pledge?
Sure, I’ve pledged. I’ve pledged plenty. And some of those pledges I’ve even kept! In high school, I put on a pair of Beer Goggles and pledged not to drink and drive to Prom in hopes of winning a raffle for a $100 Fashion Square mall gift certificate. These are the best types of pledges—ones with time limits and cash prizes.
For the most part, though, pledges will expire—usually when your life changes, rendering them irrelevant. Some pledges still last a long time: when I was in the fifth grade, I pledged never to do drugs, and I kept that pledge until I became an adult (now-ironic D.A.R.E. sweatshirt still fits!) Other pledges expire with gym memberships, or the consumption of simple carbohydrates, or when you stop being so hard on yourself, or, you know, when your wife divorces you.
So listen up, little girls: These long-term, lifelong, idealistic pledges made in adolescence (or, let’s face it, throughout adulthood) aren’t a promise—they’re a gamble. Whether or not you break a pledge has less to do with saying the words or signing the contract, and more to do with the weird, crazy, messed-up, tragic, wonderful shit that’s going to happen to you in your lifetime that you have no possible control over or way of predicting.
And yet, pledging is really kind of a fun activity, and you don’t want to feel left out when your youth group/classroom/siblings all promise never to have sex/drugs/multiple marriages ever and you have to twiddle your thumbs acting like a self-important jerk who knows so much more about life than everybody else. So instead of pledging, why not make something of your superior life knowledge, and place bets against your friend’s pledges for large sums of money? If Peggy has sex, you get to pawn her chastity ring; if Bobby snorts coke, you win the miniature telescope that represents the future career he’s throwing away; whatever. That way, you can encourage your friends to keep their promises to themselves, while you have sex and experiment with drugs when it feels right for you. Plus, you can use the money you earned from Peggy and Bobby’s broken promises to buy weed! Everybody wins!
Photo by SassyPanda.
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1:39 pm
If your D.A.R.E. sweatshirt fits me, I’ll buy it.
1:47 pm
What are you offering?
2:01 pm
Depends on the quality/fit. Top dollar is…10? I mean, I could go to eBAy any time I want! It’s a buyer’s market for D.A.R.E. merchandise, let’s be real here.
2:50 pm
PSYCH NO TRUE D.A.R.E. GRAD WOULD EVER SELL OFF THE FRUITS OF HER ANT-DRUG PLEDGE
5:03 pm
I pledge to continue to read your blog Miss Hess. Also how are we supposed to use ms mrs and miss. I think mrs is for like those women it’s illegal to bone anymore
11:47 pm
Starting in 9th grade, I engaged in homosexical activities with the son of a deacon. This continued for 3 years, although since I was a preacher’s kid, we both thought it was a good idea to pray after each orgasm. You know, to ask for forgiveness and shit. We would then make a “pledge” to be good Christian boys, leave each other’s privates alone, and like vagina. Oddly enough, the pledge was broken within 24 hours each and every time. Now I’m an unrepentant fan of the male anatomy, agnostic, and allergic to va-jay-jay. I blame Hollywood and the liberal media.
8:57 am
homosexical, you say!
1:11 am
I have a suggestion related to this subject.
Somewhere they asked what name should be given to Baby Palins new Baby. I would suggest the following:
“ABSTINENCE”, as a reminder of what doesn’t work.
:-)
1:36 am
Josh: You said……”Starting in 9th grade, I engaged in homosexical activities with the son of a deacon. This continued for 3 years, although since I was a preacher’s kid, we both thought it was a good idea to pray after each orgasm. You know, to ask for forgiveness and shit. We would then make a “pledge” to be good Christian boys, leave each other’s privates alone, and like vagina. Oddly enough, the pledge was broken within 24 hours each and every time. Now I’m an unrepentant fan of the male anatomy, agnostic, and allergic to va-jay-jay. I blame Hollywood and the liberal media.” Quote
Well, 9th grade puts you about 13 or 14. Puberty raging. And that is about the age when kids who are gay begin to realize that is so, though often there are signs as early as 9 or 10.
Please don’t blame the media, or whatever, or most of all yourself. The American Med. Association, and the American Psychological, Psychoanalytical, Psychological association and Pediatric associations all say being gay an inborn trait. People with multiple Doctorate degrees, and not in superstitions from ancient history.
And from data I’ve seen and people I’ve met, I’d bet that while blind studies show just under 6% of people identify as gay, probably another 4-6 % are secretly gay, often hetero married, and unhappy or victims of multiple marriages and attendant divorces. And so often, those who are out to condemn gay people are secretly themselves gay, hating themselves, and desperately trying to hide who they are. Psychology 101
You have nothing to be ashamed about. The church will prey on you with guilt, as they apparently did per your statement. So be proud of who you are, find someone to love in an appropriate relationship (age, interests, etc) and enjoy life. I’ll take vags anytime, but consider yourself someone special. Women are great for me re sex, but after decades of marriage to to the same woman, I only see more and more how our thought processes differ. The struggle is being flexible enough to respect her ideas, and vv.
And, btw, I’ve seen info saying that something on the X chromosone from the mother may determine sexual attraction. And its so interesting that when an identical twin is gay, 50% chance the other one is also. And it has nothing to do with upbringing, eg in 99% of these cases both parents were str8, and the couple of (one twin)s I’ve met in this situation seem perfectly normal people, but I could suspect they were gay and they admitted it.
And my greatest fear, being older and looking at my Mom and her siblings and her Mother’s genetic inheritance, is that I have inherited something that really is lousy, and if I had a choice, I’d far rather inherit being gay then this other thing – Altsheimers, where you go down constantly until you are mentally a vegetable – I saw it happen. And the final evil of that inheritance is that you don’t dare keep a gun around to commit suicide, because you might shoot the wrong person.
So, in the big scheme of things, maybe you are the lucky one.
1:42 am
Correction: I meant Psychiatric association to be included in the list.
And having been a preacher’s kid, I hope in some ways you can love your Dad, but sorry, if he is still around, and condemning you, or saying ’self brainwash, self brainwash’
(pray) yourself, you just have to shut that out of your mind. Lest the emotional desire vs the anxiety of trying and failing to be what you are not leads to depression.
Depression is btw when you absolutely want to change something, whatever it may be, and you simply cannot. Been there over other things. Don’t go there yourself, over sexuality for sure.
9:27 am
wow