Iceland

Show No. 25: Derby, England

Overheard at a venue in Derby, England.

Me: Hello. I'm from the band playing here tonight.
Derby Club Representative: Hallo.
Me: Hallo.
DCR: Hallo.
Me: Thanks for having us tonight. We're excited to play this venue. All right.
DCR: Awl right.
Me: Awl right. We're excited because we think it's a sushi restaurant. It's called Susumi, right?
DCR: Awl right, guv'nor.
Me: Awl right, guv'nor. Susumi sure sounds like the name of a sushi restaurant. At least, in America, the sushi restaurants have names like Susumi. It sure looks like a sushi restaurant in here. Very minimalist décor.
DCR: Don't know about that, then.
Me: Awl right. Awl right.
DCR: Awl right, guv'nor.
Me: Awl right, awl right, guv'nor. I'm sorry to ask this right off, but do you have a wireless internet connection?
DCR: Wireless in thee band room.
Me: Awl right, awl right. In thee band room, then?
DCR: Awl right, awl right.
Me: Awl right, awl right. Where's thee band room, then?
DCR: Awl right, awl right. Let's just pop up to thee band room and get that wireless. Password's written on a piece of paper up there, then. Awl right. Just follow me, guv'nor.
Me: Awl right, awl right. (Some moments pass.) So, thee band room then, up these stairs, then?
DCR: Yeah, yeah. Cheers.
Me: Awl right, awl right. (Some moments pass.) Quite a few stairs we're walking up, then? We walk up two flights and there's more stairs, then? Up three flights.
DCR: Yeah, yeah, cheers, quite a walk.
Me: Cheers, cheers. Awl right, awl right. (Some moments pass.) I'm quite out 'a breath then, walking up all these stairs. Three flights we're walking up here, is it?
DCR: Awl right, awl right.
Me: Awl right, awl right. Goddamn. Can't remember thee last time I walked up so many goddamn stairs, guv'nor.
DCR: Awl right, guv'nor, we're here then. Just up those three flights and into this room back 'ere. Awl right. Here 'tis.
Me: Awl right, awl right. (Some moments pass.) There's no light in this room.
DCR: Cheers, cheers. Thee bulb blew some time ago.
Me: Cheers, cheers. All the bulbs in all the lights went out, then? Thee band room is a totally black room, then? No bulbs, no lights, then?
DCR: Yes, yes, a black room, then. Awl right, awl right. Just come back 'ere and we'll get you that wireless. Cheers, cheers.
Me: But it's quite dark in here. (Some moments pass.) Awl right, then, awl right. You find that paper, guv'nor?
DCR: Mmmm. Mmmm. Can't find that paper, guv'nor. But hold on. Wait, guv'nor. I remember that password. It's my manager's birthday. It's 17 June 1979.
Me: The manager's younger than me?
DCR: Cheers.
Me: Cheers, cheers. Awl right.
DCR: Awl right. So just type 17 June 1979 into yer browser then. Awl right.
Me: Awl right. You mean 06171979, then? Cheers.
DCR: Cheers. Wait...no, wait, guv'nor. The English day. Type 17061979. You know, day first, then month, then year, guv'nor. American way won't work—you Yanks put the month first, we don't do that o'er here. Do it the English way, month first. Try that then, that should work, then. An' if that don't work, type "00" before you type 17061979. So, then, you'd be typing 0017061979 guv'nor. Awl right, awl right. You got that, guv'nor?
Me: It's too dark in here. I can't see my computer keyboard.

Comments

  1. #1

    wait a minute, i saw this skit on benny hill, faker.

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