Show #11: Houston, Texas

Houston, Texas, has long been famous as my least favorite city in America. This is not because shows there are bad or because showgoers are unfriendly. In fact, the Houston punk scene is pretty supportive. Houston is my least favorite city in America because its highways are incredibly confusing.

I thought about some ways to convey what I call “Houston confusion.” I could post a picture of I-10’s unnavigatable loops and swirls, but that’s trite. Some traffic cameras hint at Houston’s labrynthine unmarked highways. However, I’ll just point out that Mapquest finds Houston the No. 1 “Toughest City for Visitors to Navigate” (D.C. readers—guess who’s No. 2?). Also, this is the address of the motel I slept in last night: “3200 West Sam Houston Parkway South.” Try to find that at three in the morning while eating a Taco Cabana burrito.

Once I did find my show last night, all went swimmingly. After the show, the friendly promoter provided some curious information.

“The show’s draw may have been hurt because an insane dude posted a death threat on this local message board and said he was going to bring a gun and kill everyone at the show,” the friendly promoter said.

“What?” I said.

“The show’s draw may have been hurt because an insane dude posted a death threat on this local message board and said he was going to bring a gun and kill everyone at the show,” the friendly promoter said again.

“That’s what I thought you said,” I said. Then, I remembered that local headliner—appropriately-named Bring Back the Guns—had taken the stage wearing T-shirts with targets. “So those target T-shirts were more than mere fashion statement!” I exclaimed.

“Are you glad I told you about the death threat after the show, and not before?” the friendly promoter asked.

“Yes,” I said. My mind began feverishly working. I found the number of people at the show adequate, I thought. Yet, the number of people at the show represents only those who are willing to risk death to see my band. This thought comforted me two hours later as I searched for 3200 West Sam Houston Parkway South.

But how many people would come see my band in Mapquest’s No. 1 Toughest City to Navigate if they knew they would survive the experience? I must wait for the next Houston show to answer this question—that is, if this hypothetical show can be found.

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