Das Krapital

Michelle Obama And The Shameful Loss Of American Junk Food Hegemony

Michelle Obama: the First Lady of No Child

Liberal viewers could be forgiven for choking on their organic arugula Sunday night when Mama Grizzly dedicated the Palin family s'mores to anti-obesity jihadist in chief Michelle Obama on national television. Most were probably too blissed-out over their heroic victory ensuring the safety of avowed homosexuals within the Armed Forces to have noticed the news of the larger symbolic defeat our men and women in uniform recently sustained overseas. I'm talking, of course, about the Iranian ice cream insurgency reported in Sunday's Washington Post, in which the Iraqi Green Zone plans to celebrate the six month anniversary of independence from U.S. military control by playing host to the 210th branch of an "aggressive" new enterprise called Ice Pack, whose own website reveals its mission statement is "to exalt the name of Iran and reinforce Iranian identity"—all under the ostensibly "peaceful" guise of peddling thirty four flavors of ice cream, whipped "honor" creaming and cherry bombs optional—for now. It's I.E.Delicious!

This dastardly dairy dessert franchise already boasts bases in Malaysia and (no surprise) Venezuela, but the latest locale is within spitting distance from the U.S. embassy. There it will stand as a shameful symbol of the conclusive defeat of American junk food hegemony, a supremacy that has gone virtually uncontested in the fifty-one years since then-Vice President Richard Nixon first established American junk food exceptionalism by convincing Nikita Kruschev to accompany him in a ceremonial Pepsi tasting on national television—a proud and profitable legacy this president willfully squandered on the international front within his first two years in the White House, where his wife meanwhile took it upon herself to collude with George Soros Big Labor to end it at home.

But don't worry, all you sweet tooths and chocolate lovers among us. Just don't be surprised when the inevitable moment comes that some member of tomorrow's generation of obese young people wonders, "What's more Iranian than ice cream?" and doesn't understand when you snarkily respond, "I dunno…Holocaust denial?", because he's never heard of such a thing.

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