Das Krapital

Rich Bankers To $143 Billion Christmas Bonuses: “Fuck You”

A quadruple-bylined op-ed just went up on the Washington Post website. It is called "Why Tomorrow's Wall Street Leaders Don't Like Bonuses." Why is Wall Street spending $143 billion to pay them this year if that is the case, you might wonder? The four men, Wharton professors all, do not attempt to answer, but the subtext is obvious: The universe is meaningless, and then you die. In any case, I don't think we can expect these folks to be expressing a lot of gratitude over those $300 billion in tax cuts we've been assraped into forking over to them this month, but oh well. The whole thing is worth reading, I guess, if you have never had the pleasure of wallowing for an entire year in your growing antipathy towards MBA students. I have, which is why I want to kill myself most of the time.


  1. #1

    Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

  2. Proud Wharton Student

    Don't be a hater. Wharton students work hard for their money. Yes, harder than you do.

  3. #3

    @Maria Couglin
    No-one needs that here. Everyone here is living the life that they--on some level--have thought best for themselves. Or they wouldn't have chosen it; or not chosen the other paths presented by life. Its perhaps an important point, and that not everyone aspires to the same metric of what makes them happy even if they think they should.

  4. #4

    I think this is a great article. When I was working at McDonald's I saw the problem of the bonus system up close and personal. I can still smell the french fry oil... my boss said 'Decora, get back here, we need to talk about something'. I glanced at Julio, he nodded that he would take over for me at the fryer. I didn't believe him after what he had done to me on the car line yesterday, but I didn't have a choice. I walked back to my bosses office, the door falling off the hinges, the stuffing falling out of the seats, and the fat falling out of his untucked shirt.

    'Heres your fucking bonus' he said to me. I said 'thank you sir'. I had made a good profit that year by pouring extra soy flour into the meat mix for the hamburgers. It had saved us big time. Every burger, I saved probably 2 cents. Times 50,000 burgers, well, you know what that means. I made the company over 9000 dollars. Over 9000.

    My bonus was 30 bucks. Just like fucking Julio, who spilled that drink all over that lady the other day, just because he wanted to see her nipples. What an ass. I hated my boss, I hated this place, I hated the smell and the stupid customers and the idiot coworkers. Except for Maria. That's another story.

    'Fuck you I quit' I said.

    He said 'Fuck you do, you still owe us for Hamburger University'. I had forgotten about that. I had spent 15 weeks at Hamburger U, learning the trade, and had gone into debt $20,000 with a Federal Student Loan from Sallie Mae. Now I owed $25,000 since the interest compounded weekly. 'Fuck' I said, as I went back to the counter.

    Julio, of course, had let an entire batch of fries burn. When the boss ran out to see what was smoking, Julio told him that I hadn't been watching the frier. I told my boss that Julio said he would watch it, my boss didn't care and gave me the same old angry lecture he always gave to his 'troops'. He was in the Navy, you see, and this gave him 'leadership skills' like screaming, swearing, playing farmville, and jerking off in the bathroom on his laptop.

    Anyways. Fuck the bonus system, these Wharton dudes are right on. How do I get a job there?

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