Awesome radio ensued.

Reid went off on Mike Shanahan like nobody with that big a megaphone has ever gone off on the Redskins coach.

The hosts were discussing Shanahan's failure to put a decent quarterback on the field during his time in DC when Reid started throwing haymakers, and didn't stop.

Some highlights from the anti-Shanahan rant*:

The reality of it is, when [Shanahan] opens his mouth, I just stop listening now. He either does something ridiculous, like stake his reputation on two quarterbacks who can't play, or he says he didn't say something he said, or he says he was just saying it at the time just to say it because he has to do that with the media, or he says he did a great job preparing a team that got embarrassed 23-0 in Toronto. He doesn't tell the truth, and when he does say something he actually believes, he's so non-sensical, like he's staking his reptuation on two inept quarterbacks. I...I....I can't respond to someone who doesn't make sense and lies through his teeth!

Even if you just count [the number of quarterbacks Shanahan's failed with here] at three, that's at least two too many, ok? Now, when you talk about him failing at quarterback, I mean look, it is the most important position. I've talked to people who have told me that he truly believes that Beck was better than any quarterback he could take in the draft. Now, a lot of this is his arrogance, ok?  All NFL coaches, Type A personalities, alpha males, those guys are arrogant. That's just the way it is. This guy takes it to kind of unprecedented levels, especially when you consider his last decade in Denver. He missed the playoffs six times, including his final three years. He did a colossally poor job on player personnel. He never could get it right on defense, changed coordinators nonstop. So when you tell me that you've blown it on possibly four and definitely three quartberacks and how can he keep his job, Chad, this is how he keeps his job: Because Dan Snyder did such a collossally poor job for the decade-plus that he ran this team, he has absolutely no choice now but to let this guy have the full five years and try to work it out. Because here's the thing, fellas: If he doesn't give him the five years, he won't even be able to get a guy like Jim Zorn to take this job again. He's got to give him the five years....

My thing is, the drum that I've been banging for weeks is, in year two, there's just simply no reason, with two full free-agent cycles, two full draft cycles, in spite of limitations of the uncapped year and in spite of the lockout, and two full offseasons of trades, that they should simply not be competitive at this point. I mean, they don't have to win all their games. They don't even have to win half of their games. But the product that he's putting out there now on the offensive side of the ball, where he is supposedly one of the best that ever lived, is simply unacceptable. And if it's simply unacceptable in year two, what you're saying to me is there's a fundamental problem in the program. And if there's a fundamental problem in the program, that doesn't necessarilhy mean somebody has to be fired, but it means that at the end of the season it has to be assessed whether he is capable froma player personnel standpoint of doing this on his own. And if he's not, he needs help, and he needs help quickly.

The reality of it is, this guy is one of the all time arrogant guys ever. And you can talk about your system, people say they have injuries and that's why they're not scoring. that's crap. They weren't scoring when they had their full complement of personnel. It's like in the movie 'Rush Hour' when Chris Tucker says to Jackie Chan, 'Do you understand a word that's coming out of my mouth?' The reality of it is, even though he's talking, I hear him say things, but I don't understand a word that's coming out of his mouth."

Can't wait 'til Reid brings that level of heat in his columns.

*A royalty check is headed to The Great Dan Steinberg for infringing his Steinography™ patents. It's way harder than it looks, people!

LaVar Arrington: "One thing that people might not know about you: You were a track star!"

Jayson Werth: "I think you're talking about my sister."

As we check out for the holiday, I'd like to confess being thankful to two of the nicest people in D.C. media and personal heroes, Dan Steinberg and Grant Paulsen, for making me aware of the coolest story of the season: This weekend, Macho Harris will make the jump from Fairfax County flag football to the NFL.

Sure, Harris, a safety who has already spent time on the Philadelphia Eagles roster, only played one game of touchy-feely-grabby football in NoVa, and did it to help out some buddies whose resumes show stints on top-shelf D-1 teams.

But if you white-out those details, the Macho tale gives Hollywood more strange truths to work with than that fictional "Invincible" did, more even than the yarn about the D.C. kid (and alum of Gonzaga High) who leapt from a Notre Dame dorm football league to the starting lineup for the Fighting Irish.

How can you not root for Harris to come up large against the Vikings? Just make one play, Macho, and we'll start working on the script...

Back to me:

For those looking for something other than feel-good anecdotes about the Redskins as we head out, check out the audio of my appearance on WJFK's "LaVar and Dukes" show.

You'll hear about 20 minutes from somebody who cares way too much about caffeine and Dan Snyder, not necessarily in that order, than is healthy. Plus, if you stick around for the train wreck, several seconds of stammering while a four-year old yells that Grandma is at the front door and locked out.

Great radio!

This morning during his regular spot on the "Mike Wise Show" on WJFK-FM, Portis said that he spent the bye week in Russia.

Host Wise and co-host Holden Kushner expressed disbelief, and pressed the gimpy tailback for details that would confirm that he had really gone that far east. Portis wouldn't play.

"What happens in Russia stays in Russia," Portis drawled.

I'm still not sure if he indeed went to Russia or if he's gonna be back in the lineup for Monday night's game with Philly. But, damn, that was good radio.

*Extreme apologies to The Great Dan Steinberg for filching his Steinography tack. Steinberg, like Bob Wills, is still the king.

Paulsen has known what he wanted to do his whole life. He wanted to be in sports media. He got some breaks early on — covering Super Bowls before he was a teen — because he was wise beyond his years.

But the age-related breaks stopped coming early in high school, and Paulsen's worked hard to earn his latest gig. Up until the time he took the WJFK job, Paulsen's schedule had him leaving his Alexandria home in the early morning hours and heading to XM Studios downtown for a baseball summary show, going to WJFK studios in Fairfax in the afternoon to assist former Redskins beat reporter Chris Russell and pick up whatever freelance work the station would give him, blogging for various outlets, including NBC Washington's website, during any down time at WJFK, driving from Fairfax to Bowie in late afternoons to call Baysox games at night, heading back downtown to host a late-night baseball wrap-up show on XM, then going home to Alexandria for a few hours sleep before getting back at it.

And on top of it all, Paulsen's just as nice as he is driven. During my few hours talking with him for the story, Paulsen dropped the name of just about every producer and cameraman and receptionist that ever helped him out during his child star days, and continually said what a burden he's been to his family and friends and friends' parents and how much he appreciates every car ride to a Redskins game or Orioles game back in his pre-16 years.

Speaking of which: Check out that photo of Little Grant Paulsen with David Letterman. Someday, that's gonna be like the footage of Tiger Woods on "The Mike Douglas Show." He's another kid who knew what he wanted, then went out and got it.

Good talk-radio hosts let listeners know how they really feel, even when they shouldn't. LaVar Arrington is a good talk-radio host.

And on yesterday's show on WJFK, when the topic of Tiger Woods' alleged $750 million divorce settlement came up, Arrington went off.

After saying the legal system is "sexist" in divorce settlements, Arrington blurted: "That's why you have people like Rae Carruth behind bars!."*

Rae Carruth was the Carolina Panthers receiver who arranged and participated in the slaying of his eight-months-pregnant girlfriend, Cherica Adams,on a North Carolina highway in 1999.

Arrington's remark had an "Ewwwwwww!" factor through the roof. It stopped the show cold for a few seconds. Others in the studio tried to get Arrington to not use the Woods' settlment to justify the savage murder of a woman with child, but the ex-Skins linebacker kept going.

"You don't think that's going through Tiger Woods' mind?" he said. "That's a gang of money! That's a gang of money!"**

Everybody but LaVar knew he shouldn't have said it. Good talk radio.

*Apologies to The Great Dan Steinberg™ for poaching his Steinographic™ methods

**ibid

Mike Wise

I figured it was just a bit. But then Ted Leonsis, at yesterday's press conference to officially announce his takeover of the Washington Wizards, recognized Wise in front of all gathered as a guy about to be married.

Wise has gone public with the personal stuff before. His column about his own serial sexual improprieties after Tiger Woods' bangage spree came out ("I am Tiger Woods!" Wise declared again and again in print) could be filed under Too Much TMI™.

Some heartless souls mocked the columnist for his confessional.

Yet now, just a few months after telling the world he's medically incapable of fidelity, he's pledging to stay the course, through sickness and health and business trips to Vegas? Because he lost a bet with others at the station about who would lose the most weight?

Yup.

"It's real. He's getting married this weekend," says Chris Kinard, WJFK's program director.

Geez Louise.

Wise didn't return an email for comment. Guess he's busy. Kinard says he'll be back at work on Monday.

Big week for Ron Weber.

First, the Hockey Hall of Fame announced that Weber, the original Washington Capitals play-by-play man, had been given something called the Foster Hewitt Memorial Award "for outstanding contributions as a hockey broadcaster."

And, then Weber makes Leonard "Saved By Lists!" Shapiro's roster of the Top 10 sportsradio personalities in this market.

Shapiro's list is pretty good: Johnny Holliday, Shapiro's No. 1, is such a fixture and so beloved he's a bulletproof selection. (Awesome trivia about Johnny Holliday: He introduced the Beatles at their last live gig, in August 1966 in San Francisco, then a couple years later moved to D.C. to be the announcer for the Washington Capitols of the ABA, a team that played in Uline Arena, the same venue where the Beatles had played their FIRST live gig in the USA in February 1964. Awesomer trivia about Holliday: While announcing the ABA games, Holliday's roommates in a Connecticut Ave. apartment were Rick Barry and future vagabond coach Larry Brown.)

But, like any good list, Shapiro gives everybody something to quibble about. His inclusion of the Sports Junkies shows he's just going for Web hits, considering he's made slamming the WJFK morning hosts a personal crusade for a decade. And, by God, he should have included Jon Miller, who before he became an ESPN superstar was the longtime announcer of DC's baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles.

There's never been an announcer here or anywhere who could match Miller's brilliance. Take this, from Sports Illustrated's 1991 account of the game he called at Memorial Stadium with Queen Elizabeth attending:

No one offered Queen Elizabeth a plug of Red Man or even a chunk of Bazooka when she attended her first major league game this May at Baltimore's Memorial Stadium. Some O's fans, ignoring her royal presence, shouted barnyard epithets at the umpire. Others, Irish Republican Army sympathizers, displayed their awareness of her presence on hand-lettered placards in the bleachers—reading, among other things, BRITS OUT OF IRELAND. So it was left to Jon Miller, the Orioles' radio announcer, to celebrate Her Majesty's attendance by invoking Shakespeare. "The queen of England  is at the game today," he told his listeners. "But that doesn't mean we're going to call it any differently."

Then, copping a couple of lines from Romeo and Juliet, he added, "It's just two baseball teams, both alike in dignity, in fair Baltimore, where we lay our scene."

When Oakland A's leadoff man Rickey Henderson let a pitch go by for a called strike, Miller paraphrased Lady Macbeth: "It was the umpire that shrieked, the fatal bellman, which gives the sternest goodnight."

When Henderson had an opportunity to steal a base, Miller quoted Malcolm in Macbeth: "Let us not be dainty of leave-taking, but shift away. There's warrant in that theft which steals itself when there's no mercy left."

The queen occasionally looked perplexed, though not because of these and other "British Monarchy Moments" Miller inserted into his play-by-play. "I was just trying to get her to come on the air with me," says Miller. "I was hoping she'd come up and read the Esskay Meats out-of-town scoreboard."

And any list that includes Sonny, Sam and Frank and Weber has to have Miller. He was huge in this market from 1983 to 1996, when Angelos dumped him the way Dan Snyder dumped Frank Herzog. Neither team has recovered from those moves.

But back to Weber: Awesome trivia about him: He's not only the original Caps announcer, but he's also the ONLY former Caps announcer. The franchise has had only two play-by-play men in their 36 seasons: Weber went from Day One in 1973 to 1997; Steve Kolbe's been there ever since. Kolbe didn't make Shapiro's list.

But how 'bout Shapiro?

The veteran Washington Post writer, who was banished to a digital-only existence by the paper a while ago, hadn't been heard from since he blamed Sean Taylor's lifestyle for getting him murdered. (Shapiro's column inspired former Washington Times basketball writer John Mitchell to go on WOL to call Shapiro both a “racist, conniving skunk” and a “racist, conniving dog of a skunk." Mitchell was suspended for the Shapiro rant.)

But now, two weeks in a row, Shapiro's inspired water-cooler conversation and made waves with his media column. Last week he went over history's Top 10 TV sportscasters in this market.

The lead sentence of yesterday's press release from the Washington Redskins, dated Jan. 13, 2010, announcing the team won't raise ticket prices: "The Redskins have announced that general admission ticket prices for the 2010 season will be unchanged, remaining at the same price for the fifth season in a row.

The lead sentence of last year's press release from the Washington Redskins, dated Jan. 14, 2009, announcing the team won't raise ticket prices: "The Washington Redskins announced Jan. 14 that general admission ticket prices for the 2009 season would remain unchanged for the third straight year."

One year passes, two years are gained! The new math?

But wait! In fairness to Karl Swanson and the beleaguered Skins marketing machine, I think those statements are both accurate. Then again, I got a D in algebra.

But: A 2006 story in the Washington Post said Snyder raised general admission prices in the lower bowl that year by 39 percent, and the price of parking 40 percent. Since that massive hike — 39 percent in one season? What the heck? — Dan Snyder has learned that demand ain't what he expected it to be, and has gone to desperate measures to keep those ticketholders he has. That means suing 'em. And, much as it surely hurts him, not raising ticket prices.

So, the general admission tickets for the 2010 season will indeed have the same prices as the 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009 seasons. Fifth season in a row!

But if you use years, as the 2009 release did, then the prices that were changed in 2006 went unchanged in 2007, 2008, and 2009, so last year was only the third year they were unchanged.

Hence: One = Two!

'Course, the Redskins love to play funny with numbers in these releases. Last year's announcement also had CEO Mitch Gershman saying the Redskins have "more than 200,000 people on our waiting list for season tickets." This year, it's got Gershman's replacement, Dave Donovan, saying: "The Redskins have the largest season ticket waiting list in the NFL." Surely that's hokum, but it' still an improvement from 2008's bogusness.

(AFTER THE JUMP: The Skins are still claiming a sellout streak? The Skins charge the ninth highest ticket prices for the 29th best team? How great was Steve Kolbe's Caps' call? How depressing was Dave Johnson's Wiz call? Shouldn't the Wizards be the ones offering all-you-can-drink tickets? D.C. United gives away some future to get some past? Tim Riggins splits Dillon? How's Lyla taking it? John Riggins is on "One Tree Hill"? Really?)

Both this year's and last year's release both claim the Redskins have a sellout streak that's been running "since 1966." That's totally true...in Opposite Land! Even allowing the team to ignore the strike year's small crowds, Snyder was unloading tickets to last month's Dallas game as Christmas packages to all takers. And Snyder's now got more than 20,000 premium seats that he doesn't count here, even though there hasn't been a single year since he bought the team that those seats have all sold. So stop with the sellout talk.

The recent press release has an odd boast: "The Redskins average general admission ticket prices are below those of nine other NFL teams." (True, according to Team Marketing Report, the prime surveyor of pro sports pricing, with figured that a family of four spent $431 and change per Redskins game this season.) Snyder's release didn't mention, however, that the Redskins record was below that of 28 other NFL teams.

A high draft pick, Bruce Allen, Mike Shanahan and no price increase still ain't gonna be enough to bring everybody back to FedExField.

For starters: The people want a real Jumbotron, Dan Snyder!

***

A Tale of Two of the City's Teams: Steve Kolbe's call on WFED-AM of Tomas Fleischmann's shootout goal, which completed the first-place Caps' comeback last night from two goals down in the third period to beat Florida, was so ecstatic and over-the-top, it was as if he was practicing a Stanley Cup call — which, what the heck, isn't that crazy a thing for this team's play-by-play man to do even this early in the season.

Meanwhile, over at WJFK, Glenn Consor and Dave Johnson were desperate to say something positive about the last-place Wizards, as they fell 22 points back in the first half and lost by 12. The announcers described Antawn Jamison in Herculean terms as he tried keeping the Wiz within reach of a single-digit deficit. The desperation and overall plight of the team made it really hard to listen to.

Also last night, the Caps' radio ads were pushing premium ticket packages that include an all-you-can-eat buffet and even "Unlimited Beer, Wine and Soda." The Snyderesque tickets, called the Dewar's 12 Club, are "starting at $99" apiece. I tried getting tickets for tomorrow night's game with Toronto through Ticketmaster, and, as usual, no pairs were for for sale. The best available was a single seat in the corner for $229.45. Best of times for the Caps.

The announcers' desperation carries over to Wizards marketing campaign. The team is now running high-budget TV commercials starring Caron Butler on local TV — I'd never noticed this sort of advertising before — and, during radio game broadcasts, hawking cheap family packages for $49 for four seats and four hot dogs. Worst of times for the Wiz.

Throw in the off-court troubles, and, if the Verizon Center weren't thrown in, you gotta figure Ted Leonsis would seriously be considering to go for the "refusal" portion of his right-of-first-refusal deal to buy the Wizards from Abe Pollin's estate.

***

Guess you really don't know what you've got til it's gone.

D.C. United gave up a whole lot to bring back former goalie Troy Perkins, who left town in 2007 to play in Norway. Perkins was with United from 2004-2007, and stands as the second-winningest goalie in franchise history. The team sent midfielder Fred, who never lived up to one-name status, as well as a 2010 first round SuperDraft pick (seventh overall) and some cash to the Philadelphia Union just to take the expansion squad's place in the allocation line in time to nab Perkins. United really must've missed him.

And Perkins gives a quote that shows he missed United right back.  "It’s more than just a feeling," Perkins said about the return. "It’s something deep in the heart and the soul."

Awesome Trivia about "More than a feeling": Even Kurt Cobain accepted that his riff for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" transcended from Boston's 1976 smash "More Than a Feeling."

That makes Tom Scholz the Karl Marx of the alternative rock revolution!

***

One of my favorite football players of all-time, Tim Riggins of the Dillon Panthers, is moving on. TV Guide reports the star fullback from NBC/DirectTV's "Friday Night Lights" is leaving Dillon so Taylor Kitsch, the actor who's played him so gloriously for four seasons, can make a play for the big screen.

I always figured Riggins, a troubled, wild-and-crazy-but-lovable fullback, was modeled after John Riggins of the Redskins. And he was just one of many seeming Washington references on FNL. There was Coach McGregor, the hotshot coach who was hired as Coach Taylor's replacement at Dillon when he, you know, took a brief sabbatical to give college coaching a try — DeMatha's Bill McGregor, whose squad always makes USA Today's Top 20 national polls, has long been among the most touted high school coaches in the country. And when Riggins and his buddies watch the highlights package he was going to send to recruiters for the University of Oklahoma, as a clip of him bowling over an opposing safety was shown, the guys all agree he looks like "Brandon Jacobs running over Laron Landry."

Why the D.C. nods? Well, turns out "Friday Night Lights" executive producer Peter Berg is pals with Dan Snyder. He's sat in Snyder's box on game days for years, and privately screened his Jennifer Garner, Jamie Foxx movie "The Kingdom" for the team and its owner. Berg's team's a whole lot more successful on the field than Snyder's.

Meanwhile, the real life Riggins, as in John Riggins, was reportedly taking a role on "One Tree Hill" this season. I see that his alleged character, Ken Arthur, has appeared in three episodes, but I've missed 'em all and read nothing about his acting. Anybody see #44's TV work this year?

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

***

Bruce Allen continues to receive the greatest gifts any GM could want this holiday season: higher draft picks and lower expectations. After his new team's blowout loss to the Giants, the shutout to the Cowboys, the disappearance of the offense and the Albert Haynesworth/Greg Blache-instigated implosion of the defense, fans are begging for the sort of rebuild even Michelle Rhee would find excessive.

***

Saturday night's telecast of "Redskins Report," produced by WRC-4, was taped earlier in the week, before the show's founder, George Michael, died. And, probably because of the holiday, nobody bothered doing a retaping to fashion the program as a tribute to Michael, who started the weekly roundtable in 1980.

But even without any tweaking this episode was nevertheless a fine reminder of Michael's impact on the local broadcasting scene. Three of the four members of Redskins Report's latest panel — Dan Hellie, Doc Walker and David Aldridge – were on Dan Snyder's payroll. Aldridge was sitting in for Lindsay Czarniak. She's on Dan Snyder's payroll, too. (Mike Wise of the Washington Post and WJFK was the only guy on the show not on the take.)

Checkbook journalism is as big a part of Michael's legacy at WRC as his reliance on highlights.

Michael was the first sellout. Now there are sellouts all over the DC market.

He used his status as the only sportscaster that mattered — which he earned through sweat and futuristic vision and a level of on-air enthusiasm that can't be faked — to get more work. His popularity allowed him to do things that were unheard of in news departments until then.

Michael took a job with Dan Snyder's Redskins Broadcast Network shortly after Snyder bought the team, creating a blatant conflict of interest, since it meant he was now taking money from the Redskins, the most important subject on his WRC sports beat. And nobody at WRC blinked.

So landing Michael taught the young owner that pretty much all local journalists could indeed be bought. And soon enough Snyder had not only George Michael, but Michael Wilbon, the lead sports columnist in the Washington Post, taking Redskins money and carrying microphones with "Redskins Broadcast Network" logos on air.

Snyder also put several members of news departments from Fox-5 and WUSA on the Redskins payroll to host infomercials produced by the team. In 2001, Snyder hired Andy Pollin, the program director at WTEM, then the only sportsradio station in the market, to do a Redskins infomercial called "Redskins Game Day" — years before Snyder bought the whole station. Snyder added Washington Times writers, some of the last holdouts, to the payroll after acquiring WTEM.

And soon enough Snyder had so many financial relationships with local media that you could never know what to trust.

Michael tried to camouflage his relationship with the team. On the coaches shows produced by Snyder, for example, Michael always gave out an NBC email address for viewer comments, giving an air of credibility to the programs that they didn't deserve. I called Michael at work in the WRC studios years ago to ask him how he handled the conflict of interest caused by covering the Redskins for the news department of an NBC affiliate while also working for Snyder's Redskins Broadcast Network, and if he was uncomfortable carrying a microphone with the Redskins logo on-air.

Michael, who was as energetic off the air as on and always very fun to talk to, said he saw no conflict, and that he wouldn't use microphones with Redskins logos on camera. When a co-worker listening to our conversation in the WRC studio corrected him and told Michael, "Yeah, you carry Redskins microphones," Michael laughed and laughed and said, "Really? Well, it doesn't matter. I can say anything I want to say."

But, just as everybody long suspected, Michael didn't say everything.

Snyder confessed for Michael. Asked by WTEM host Tony Kornheiser for his recollections of Michael the day he died, Snyder said that Michael wouldn't give his WRC audience the whole story when Snyder didn't want it given.

"George knew a lot of things here that we were doing," Snyder said, "but he was somebody the franchise trusted."

***

Jason Reid and Dan Steinberg had a great story in Saturday's Washington Post. The time bomb that is Albert Haynesworth finally exploded. He's been sitting on the sidelines and taking a knee on crucial downs all season, while reports of his nightlife are all over the place. (Anybody out in Reston on Christmas Eve see Al pounding a Skinny Bitch on the Rag?)

Reid and Steinberg, the Woodward and Bernstein of SkinnyBitchontheRagGate, got Haynesworth to go all ground-and-pound on defensive coordinator Greg Blache, saying as a player he could not "survive another season in this system." ReidStein also also coaxed Haynesworth to whine about coaches treating him with harder kid gloves than unnamed teammates because "they're all against me or whatever."

"In the preseason, I fell asleep and was like a couple of minutes late for a meeting," Haynesworth said. "This is the second time I've ever been late for a meeting and I get sent home."

Reading the story, I thought about George Michael and the ties that blind. If Michael or any other Redskins employee knew that the highest paid player on the team was falling asleep during meetings, would he or she have reported it?

***

(Full disclosure: I freelance music reviews for the Washington Post.)

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

Kornheiser, of course, really didn't give a rip about Wise's column. He just wanted to rip Wise.

Full disclosure: I think Kornheiser's a bad guy with a dark heart.

'Course, I only met him once, for about 10 minutes about 10 years ago at a Washington Post holiday party. It's one of my favorite party stories, right up there with having Alan Greenspan wonder if he'd shown up at the wrong event after encountering me and my thrift-store wardrobe at a book party, and getting attacked by Buddy Holly's shop teacher during a night out in Lubbock.

Tell the Kornheiser-and-me one again? Sure!

Kornheiser had gotten a Post editor who now makes appearances on his radio show to invite me to the party, so he could attack me for something I'd written that he didn't like. When I arrived he cornered me and pulled an old column of mine out of his coat pocket that he'd been carrying around for a while and waved it in the air while yelling that I'd "never write for a real newspaper." I could tell from the way his co-workers acted after he finished yelling that they'd seen his bizarre act before.

And not long after that party Kornheiser got me fired from a $75-a-week freelance job with the Washington Post's sports section because of something else I wrote for Washington City Paper.

Kornheiser got me canned for writing about a February 1981 story he wrote for the Style section of the Washington Post called "Ken Beatrice: Facts and Fears on the Airwaves."

Beatrice was a beloved oddball back then, with a popular nightly sportstalk radio show. Kornheiser was much newer to D.C. than Mike Wise is now, and, to use the angle Kornheiser used during his rants against Wise, didn't understand what Beatrice meant to this town.

But Kornheiser had learned that Beatrice had fibbed about his college football career, and that Beatrice's PhD was from an unaccredited university, and used those tidbits to write 4,000 of the meanest words to ever appear in the Post. Beatrice weighed less then Karen Carpenter, and on good days looked more frail than the average intensive care ward patient, yet Kornheiser spent much of the story reveling in how much distress he caused Beatrice during "at least eight hours" of interviews. Even if he'd never gotten weird on me at a holiday party or gotten me fired, his Beatrice story was enough by itself to leave me believing Kornheiser's a bad guy with a dark heart.

One passage of Kornheiser's piece:

[Beatrice] was not looking well.

Pale. So pale and waxy that he could have been on exhibit at Madame Tussaud's.

And gaunt, like he hadn't eaten in weeks.

Nervously, he wiped his right hand hard across his forehead and through his dark hair, matting it. There were white flecks at the corners of his mouth. When he went to light his pipe his hands trembled. He took in great gulps of air. It seemed like he was drowning.

In fact, he seemed terrified.

About the prospect of this story.

Kornheiser was trying to hurt Beatrice, and he succeeded. Beatrice had a nervous breakdown after Kornheiser's story ran and had to leave the airwaves for a while to convalesce.

Listeners begged Beatrice to come back to his radio show, and he eventually did.

Despite knowing he'd caused Beatrice physical harm, Kornheiser never backed off Beatrice. When Kornheiser got a show of his own on WTEM a decade later, he used it to continue to bully Beatrice.

I listened to Kornheiser's radio show on Monday, and he sounded pretty frail himself. He sure seemed hurt while talking about Jon Gruden, his replacement on "Monday Night Football," being re-signed to a long ESPN contract, the deal Kornheiser was never offered. So he tried to work out his wounds by going after Mike Wise, who he's been saying mean, unfunny things about for years. Just like he did Beatrice back in the day. But now Kornheiser sounds too weak to even be a good bully anymore. He just comes off as sad.

Back to me: Over the years, because of his multi-media successes, I've probably been asked more about getting fired because of Tony Kornheiser than about anything I've ever written.

So I don't like seeing him falling like this. Pretty soon nobody's going to want me to retell the story of me and Tony Kornheiser.

Oh, well. The one about me and Buddy Holly's shop teacher's more fun, anyway.

As if vending beside urinals at Redskins games wasn't viral enough: Jennifer Donelan of WJLA put BeerInTheBathroomsGate™ on her station's evening news, and even took a few seconds to give Washington City Paper kudos for blowing the lid off Snyder's newest revenue stream.

Here's Donelan's WJLA piece. Wait til the 50-second mark. Don't take a pee break or beer break or both, or you'll miss my work. And remember: TV puts on 10 pounds, and I've been watching a lot of TV lately.

Otherwise, I think I nailed my line. Thinking ahead: "I'd like to thank-thank...both my readers-readers...and the Academy-Academy..."

Reading between the lines of Donelan's copy, it looks like the Redskins fired the beer man caught on tape dispensing beer in an environment teeming with second-hand poop. A commenter on City Desk yesterday wrote that he was a vendor at FedExField, and he found the bathroom vending "disgusting." But he warned Redskins patrons who are "worried about sanitation" that they should really "stay far away from the lemonade."

Yucky!

***

Sticking with local media, via DCRTV: Two more guys fired by Dan Snyder will have a radio show to bash their former boss. WTOP will give John Riggins and Frank Herzog at least a tryout for a weekly show called "Ask Riggo." (The first installment of Riggins/Herzog is going off the air as we type. "We should do this again," Riggins said to Herzog at sign-off.)

(AFTER THE JUMP: Does everybody who despises Dan Snyder get a radio show? Will Laveranues Coles get a program? Timmy Smith's out of jail? Dan Snyder benched Jason Campbell? Jeff George who? Dan Snyder will put Jason Campbell back on the field Monday night?  Night of Quarterbacks what?)

Herzog lost his 25-year gig as Redskins announcer a few years ago to make room in the booth for Dan Snyder's sidekick, Larry Michael. Riggins had a radio show on Snyder's embarrassing Triple-X sportstalk network, but got canned by Snyder last year when he bought WTEM-AM, a station that could actually be heard in DC.

Riggins, meanwhile, has been brutal on Snyder and Vinny Cerrato in recent Youtube monologues.

Riggins and Herzog join an army of folks who've been grinding their axes with Snyder over the public airwaves. Brian Mitchell, who crushes Skins management on Comcast and during Sunday night spots on WUSA-9 TV, has been fired not once but twice by Snyder: The first firing came in 2000, when Mitchell, the NFL's all-time leader in kickoff and punt return yards, got booted off the Redskins to make space for one of the owner's early jock sniffees, Deion Sanders.

Then Mitchell got canned by Snyder yet again last year when his former boss bought the sportstalk station WTEM, where Mitchell had been a co-host of the "John Thompson Show."

And there's LaVar Arrington, the afternoon drive-time star at WJFK, a rival to Snyder's sportstalker, WTEM. Arrington was once an owner's pet, but has been blasting Snyder since the end of the 2003 season, when he went through a contract negotiation with the Redskins owner. Arrington claims that Snyder pulled a bait-and-switch during negotiations, in the process eliminating a huge bonus that Arrington says he was promised.

The turning point in the player/owner talks, Arrington said a year later, came when Snyder asked him to sign a contract that had "666" written somewhere on it.

“[M]e and my agent, we are Christian people and we were alluding to the fact that there were three sixes in the total of the contract,” Arrington told FoxSports interviewer James Brown. “Three sixes, I think if you are a Christian you know what three sixes means. It is the mark of the devil.”

Arrington then asked Snyder to crunch the numbers in his contract a little bit to “get those three sixes off.”  The team did so, and Arrington say he signed the contract without re-reading the re-worked contract. He later discovered that the way Snyder got rid of the "666" was by removing the $6.5 million signing bonus Arrington says he was promised.

Arrington has had a lot to say about Snyder, all of it brutal, ever since.

The FCC would have to open up some more frequencies if everybody screwed by Snyder were to get a radio show, of course. But if I could pick, I'd like to see Laveranues Coles get a forum where he can tell that story about Snyder threatening to ruin his career and turn him "into Terry Glenn" during a nasty contract negotiation. Recap: After Snyder threatened to send a "flat-screen" television to Coles' house so he could watch football at home, since he'd make sure that Coles wouldn't be playing the game anywhere if he didn't play along with Redskins management, Coles got his wish and was traded to the New York Jets.

***

Timmy Smith talks about the Super Bowl, not about prison. Yes, Skins fans, the team used to be in the Super Bowl pretty regular.

***

A moderator at Extremeskins.com reports that Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato left the owner's booth at halftime and didn't come back. Jason Campbell got benched at that time.

Did Jurgensen's cigar smoking buddy, Snyder, personally put JC on the bench? Snyder wouldn't personally get involved in lineup changes, and force a coach to to accommodate Jurgensen's whimsy, would he?
Oh, right! Jeff George who?

But now reports are that Jason Campbell will be back in the starting lineup for Monday's game with the Philadelphia Eagles. Zorn, however, wouldn't confirm that, as if he's not making that decision, either. So maybe Snyder is calling this shot, too? He wouldn't want Campbell back in the lineup, would he?

Oh, right! Snyder's still trying to sell his Night of Quarterbacks!

David Alprin had his anti-Dan Snyder artwork, or whatever you want to call the above paper plate thingee, confiscated at the gates of FedExField two weeks ago.

Alprin's a longtime Skins season ticketholder and was one of many fans who wanted to make a statement about the state of the franchise.

He'd stayed up late the night before the Tampa Bay game crafting dozens and dozens of his statement-makers. But then Snyder's jack-booted thugs, in the form of the yellow-jacketed FedExField security staff, threw Alprin's civil-disobedient plates in the garbage before letting him in the stadium.

But while Snyder killed the message, he didn't kill the messenger. And Alprin's going back for more of the same this weekend.

"I'm thinking about going stealth and bringing in pens, markers, etc.,  and making signs in the stadium either on paper we bring or the back of the drink caddies," he says.

He won't be alone.

More on the Prague Spring of Redskins fans to come.

***

(AFTER THE JUMP: Another installment of BogusHogetteGate? Really? Michelle Rhee thinks she's god? Really? Coat-tailing on Mike DeBonis' genius? Really? Melanie Oudin's coming to town with her mom, dad AND coach? Really? Snyder comes out on top in something? No way! Way?)

In case you missed any of the several dozen installments of BogusHogetteGate™ that have appeared in Cheap Seats Daily lately, here's a reprise, just to throw a bone to the inferiority complex ravaged print version.

The keeper for me is that along with being an unsanctioned Hogette who goes by Stephette Hogette, Brooklynite Steve Rasnikov is also a rapper who relies on his, um, flow to land the ladies at Redskins tailgates. The guy's a hoot, whether he knows it or not.

All the clowns in this circus will be at FedExField on Sunday.

Here's hoping it gets uglier!

***

Back to real news: In case you missed it: Amazin' Mike DeBonis' latest and greatest find proves that Michelle Rhee not only runs the city, she runs the media, too.

We all already suspected she ran everything, right? The megalomania in the email DeBonis uncovered from the schools Chancellor — yeah, even Rhee's title is obnoxious — meshes with her behavior throughout my limited and 100-percent-frustrating dealings with DC Public Schools.

Several weeks ago I was trying to deal with Rhee's office about her handling of last year's Dunbar/Fort Hill racial incident.

It had been about a year since Dunbar coach Craig Jefferies pulled his team off the field immediately after Dunbar was hit with three consecutive unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, which, based on visual evidence, all seem justified.

Afterwards, Jefferies said he took the drastic action not because of the ref's calls, but because players from host Fort Hill were using racial taunts, including the "N-word," on his team.

Suddenly, Dunbar/Fort Hill became a national story.

But while officials from Fort Hill and Allegany County, Md., cooperated in investigations from local, state and even federal agencies, Rhee's office impeded all investigations into Jefferies charges. Rhee ignored a request from the Maryland Public Secondary Schools Athletic Association, the group which governs high school sports in the state, to assist in its investigation of Jefferies’ allegations. MPSSAA had no choice but to award the game to Fort Hill as a forfeit.

Rhee also ignored a request from the U.S. Department of Justice for a written report on Dunbar's side of the story.

Rhee's refusal to cooperate with anybody in any way crushed the investigation: Because only one side, the Fort Hill side, was telling its story, the Department of Justice never released a written report that it told all parties it would be releasing.

With no report, everybody looks bad: The Fort Hill kids are left officially unexonerated, and Jefferies and the Dunbar coaches were left hanging with nobody and nothing to back up their side.

Rhee refused all recent requests from Washington City Paper to discuss any aspect of the Dunbar/Fort Hill situation, including her complete lack of cooperation with the federal government in what was, again, a national story.

She does talk to the press occasionally, of course. A cover story about Rhee from some journal called "Education Next" was linked on City Desk after DeBonis' gem. The story had a quote from Rhee as she was asked "to name her most significant achievement in her two years in Washington."

“We have begun—begun—begun—to establish a culture of accountability,” Rhee said.

The kids from Dunbar and Fort Hill know otherwise, Chancellor.

***

A little run in a major, and she's a star: Melanie Oudin, the macho/cute Georgian teen who upset three seeds in the latest U.S. Open, has just been announced as a headliner at this year's BCF Tennis Challenge, a long-running charity event founded more than 20 years ago by local girl made good Pam Shriver. The tourney is Dec. 9 at the First Mariner Arena in Baltimore.

Wonder if Melanie will bring her mom? Dad? Coach?

I feel dirty. But, heck, she's a star now. This is what we write about stars.

Tickets are now on sale.

***

Via DCRTV: A new round of numbers in the feud between WTEM and WJFK comes out, and for the first time Dan Snyder's sportstalker is on top: The latest Portable People Meter ratings, which counts the entire audience over 12 years old, have WTEM in 18th place in the market, and rival WJFK in 19th. WJFK would say, "Hey, we only count 25-54 year old males and we're doing fabulously with those guys!" To which I'd counter: "Absolutely! But can you let Dan Snyder win just one teensy little thing while the papers are saying everything else the guy's touched has gone to hell?"

Seems Snyder doesn't really care who he jumps in bed with these days. His partner in the contest, which forces Redskins cheerleaders to put down their pom poms and pick up sponges and go service his radio station's 25-54 year old male demo, was a sponge company called SpongeTech Delivery Systems, Inc.

Well, just as the cheerleader pride giveaway was heating up, Snyder's ally gets nailed for all sorts of alleged shadiness by federal regulators: The Securities and Exchange Commission suspended trading on SpongeTech stock this week because of sketchy reports and non-filings of required documents.

(AFTER THE JUMP: SpongeTech's the Six Flags of the sudsy set? SpongeTech's so messed up it makes Snyder look like a fab businessman? Are Redskins cheerleaders being punished? Is WJFK punishing WTEM in the ratings? Can Mike Wise punish Tony Kornheiser? Is Anacostia/Eastern the Good Counsel/DeMatha of crumminess?)

Here's a release from the Securities and Exchange Commission dated Monday, October 5, 2009:

It appears to the Securities and Exchange Commission that there is a lack of current and accurate information concerning the securities of SpongeTech Delivery Systems, Inc. ("SpongeTech") because questions have arisen regarding the accuracy of assertions in press releases to investors and in periodic reports filed with the Commission concerning, among other things: (1) The amount of sales and customer orders received by the company; (2) the company's investment agreements; and (3) the company's revenues as reported in its financial statements. In addition, SpongeTech has not filed any periodic reports with the Commission since the period ended February 28, 2009.

The Commission is of the opinion that the public interest and the protection of investors require a suspension of trading in the securities of the above-listed company.

Therefore, it is ordered, pursuant to Section 12(k) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, that trading in the securities of the above-listed company is suspended for the period from 9:30 a.m. EDT, on October 5, 2009 through 11:59 p.m. EDT, on October 16, 2009.

By the Commission.

Elizabeth M. Murphy,
Secretary.
Citation: "74 FR 51626"
Document Number: "File No. 500-1"
Federal Register Page Number: "51626"
"Notices"

Investors were apparently already clued into SpongeTech's difficulties. The stock (SPNGE) was trading at $.06 a share when the SEC booted it off the board.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense that Snyder would be attracted to SpongeTech. It ain't easy for Snyder to find a company that's as much a laughingstock on Wall Street as is his Six Flags. For all the mess Snyder has made while running that theme park giant into bankruptcy, perhaps SpongeTech makes him feel like Warren Buffett! (Thanks to Destino for the SEC tipoff.)

***

The director of the Redskins Cheerleaders told me earlier this week she wasn't aware that members of her crew had agreed to wash cars for WTEM. Redskins spokesman Karl Swanson hasn't responded to my query about the contest. But I now have a theory why Snyder would give the Redskins Cheerleaders such a degrading and subservient job as washing cars for sportstalk radio listeners: He's still peeved at the First Ladies of Football for working the launch party for rival radio station WJFK in July.

That episode was a total embarrassment for the cheerleader obsessed Snyder, but with this contest he can show his WTEM listeners that he's back in control of the troupe.

***

Speaking of the radio rivalry: The news ain't much better for Snyder in sportstalk land.

WJFK boss Chris Kinard, the brains behind hiring the Redskins Cheerleaders for the coming out party of Snyder's competition, put out a statement yesterday saying that his station is walloping the bejeezus outta Snyder's.

Portions of Kinard's release:

"According to Arbitron ratings released today, Sportsradio 106.7 The Fan is the No.1-ranked sports radio station in Washington, D.C.  The station signed on July 20 and has eclipsed sports radio rival WTEM with listeners 12+, and in its target demographic of Men 25-54.

In the September ratings period (Aug. 20-Sept. 16), The Fan showed growth across the board.  Its overall share of listeners 12+ was up 38% from the prior ratings period. During the same time period, the station increased its share among Men 18+ and 18-34 by 24% and 35%.

Additionally, The Fan was the No. 1 choice for Men 18-34 sports radio listeners in the coveted morning and afternoon timeslots, as well as in midday and evenings."

These numbers only include about one week of the Mike Wise v. Tony Kornheiser late-morning battle, which provides the most intrigue of all the WJFK/WTEM subplots.

Wise is a radio newcomer; Kornheiser, despite being damaged goods after the extended "Monday Night Football" debacle, is the biggest name and probably highest paid guy in Snyder's deejay stable.

Kinard didn't provide specific numbers about the 10 a.m. to 12 noon portion of the midday slot. If WJFK can win that against Kornheiser and during the NFL season, WTEM's future's bleak.

God knows what Snyder'll force the cheerleaders to do if this keeps up.

***

Reminder: Haves and Have Nots Bowls are both being played on area high school gridirons tonight.

The Haves Bowl: DeMatha hosts Good Counsel at the Prince George's Sports and Learning Complex.

In recent years, DeMatha v. Good Counsel gets people as fired up as Roe v. Wade.

These are the top two football teams around town. DeMatha has an athletic program second to none not only locally but anywhere. Good Counsel has tried to model itself after the Hyattsville powerhouse, hiring several DeMatha alums and coaches.

But though Good Counsel has been able to crack the national prep football rankings in recent years, it has been nothing more than a bridesmaid to DeMatha in the powerful WCAC Conference for Catholic schools. It'll take a win tonight and a win in the WCAC championship game to change the local landscape.

The Have Nots Bowl:  Eastern at Anacostia

Both programs are the vying for the worst of the worst right now. Anacostia is 0-6 and has given up 50 points in four of those losses. Anacostia has a chance to become the first DC high school program ever to go 0-11 in a season.

But Eastern is at least as godawful. The school didn't even field a team last season and probably won't field one next year, and thus far in 2009 has put up an 0-3 record and has been outscored 114-13.

Eastern's best chance for victory here would come if Anacostia is looking past today's game to the upcoming matchup with Spingarn.

Spingarn, another perennial Have-Notter, is currently 0-4 and is losing the points battle 200-6.

Good golly.

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

In: Bag Banning

The Great Dan Steinberg™'s write-up of the ill-will in the grandstands had great photos of the ill-willed.

Well, Steinberg's Bog post had great photos when it was originally posted, anyway.

As several commenters pointed out, those photos of folks with anti-Snyder t-shirts and paperwork are now gone. Just vanished.

Who removed them? Why were they removed?

Steinberg wouldn't tell me what happened. Questions were directed to his bosses at the Post's sports section.

Uh oh.

The mind races. Everybody knows by now that the Washington Post ain't one of Dan Snyder's favorite organs.

But would Snyder really try to censor photos of the same bags that he tried to censor for Sunday's game? I mean, Snyder's pulled some stuff before, for sure, but if he's behind Steinberg's photo removal, that would have to rank among the Skins owner's most Douchewellian™ moves of all time.

I've got messages into the Washington Post's* sports editors and the Redskins. Stay tuned to Cheap Seats Daily for continued coverage of PhotoGate™!

(AFTER THE JUMP: More tales of anti-bagging from FedExField? "Agent Zero" is the focus of WJFK's ad campaign? Is "Agent Zero" the most penetrating nickname in Washington sports history? And it came from a City Paper guy? Guaranteed Win Night™ and R²D²™ in the same post? Should I really bet the mortgage and then some on the Twins?)

***
More tales of anti-bagging at FedExField for the Tampa Bay game are showing up on Dan Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com.

My favorite comes from a poster going by the name of Loren:

I came straight from the Army Ten-Miler to the game, didn't have time to go home first, I had some sweaty clothes and other stuff (cell phone, camera, etc.) with me. As I was walking from the Metro I saw guys handing out the bag, and got offered one. I laughed and said "No thanks". I think they're funny, but don't want to wear one this early in the season. Then, as I'm walking away, he goes "Come on man, you can carry your stuff in there." Great idea! I thought about it for a second, and went back and got it, and threw my stuff in to make carrying it around a little easier.

Then, going into the gate, carrying my stuff in the paper bag (not wearing it, it didn't even have holes cut in it, it was all wrinkled up from me carrying it around all tailgate), I was told I had to throw it out, so I had to take all my stuff out (sweaty clothes and all), and haul it around all game!

I mean, are you serious? Can this guy not take any heat? I understand that my first amendment rights weren't violated (hell, I wasn't even trying to make a statement, except maybe "Carrying around stuff in a bag is easier than carrying it around by hand"), and that I was on private property, and Snyder has the right to say what you can bring on his property. BUT, this is still so petty, so small, so pathetic, and things like this are EXACTLY why the message on the bags (hate the owner, love the team) is the prevailing sentiment among Redskins fans.

If I ever see anyone selling a t-shirt about how terrible Snyder is (without cursing or anything like that), I will buy it right away and wear it to any game I happen to go to.

***

WJFK has a new advertising campaign for its opening season of broadcasting Washington Wizards games.

The featured spot opens with a macabre voice saying: "Agent Zero and the Wizards... return to the  basketball court...for vengeance!"

"Agent Zero," we all know, is Gilbert Arenas' nickname. But the genesis of that handle is one of the coolest tales I've ever heard. Former City Paper graphic artist James Morris concocted Arenas' moniker while writing for his great first-generation sports blog, Wizznutzz.

And it took off. It's by far the biggest athletic nickname in town these days, and maybe of all time. And it's all organic!

Everytime I hear somebody use "Agent Zero," I think about Morris and smile.

***

The Run Run Differential Differential™ (R²D²™ ), a fake statistic made up in this space  a few months ago purely to satisfy demand for digital column inches, turned into something great while nobody was paying attention.

But still, nobody's paying attention. So we will now let R²D²™ inform another Cheap Seats Daily word-count gimmick that brought even more pleasure to the masses: Guaranteed Win Night™!

Most folks would look at the final AL Central standings and only notice that Minnesota and Detroit ended up with identical records, 86-76. But R²D²™ disciples would focus on how the Twins outscored the opposition by 51 runs on the season, while the Tigers put up 738 runs, but gave up one more, 739.

That means the Twins have a +52-run run differential differential with the Tigers.

Any baseball man will tell you pitching wins championships. But Cheap Seats Daily's got another credo, made up just this second: R²D² Wins Ballgames™!

And in this one-game Twins/Tigers series to see who moves on to the playoffs, it would be irresponsible of us to sleep on that plus-52 R²D² !

So, we're sponsoring one more Guaranteed Win Night™, and urging both our readers to bet the mortgage and then some on the Twins** for this evening's play-in playoff game!

And, remember, if this tout doesn't come in, you get the rest of the season free!

***

*Full disclosure: I freelance music reviews for the Washington Post.

**Don't really bet the mortgage and then some on the Twins, dumbass...unless you're one of those people who actually enjoys having crazy amounts of mad money just lying around!

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com