Washington, Not D.C.: For residents of the District, looking at Twitter this weekend was even more alarming than usual. A charming slogan—#FuckYouWashington—threatened to take over the site. But this had nothing to do with Harry Thomas Jr.'s nonprofits, or the fate of Tommy Wells, or any of the local scandals that get myopic little twits here worked up; the hashtag was the handiwork of blogger Jeff Jarvis, and it was an expression of outrage over the (completely outrageous) inability of Congress to raise the national debt ceiling. Which is a sentiment we here in D.C. can certainly endorse, especially since it's not actually directed our way. +1

No Water, Please, We're Metro: Temperature records weren't the only things that fell during last week's heat wave; Metro also backed down on its long-standing ban of food and drink on subway cars, allowing riders to hydrate while in the system. Which probably makes sense, considering how frequently the air conditioning breaks. With today's forecast high only 92, the ban is back, but don't worry—another heat wave is predicted later this week, so you may not have missed your chance. -2

All the Brown, and All the White: And now, time for another installment of arbitrary national rankings! In today's episode, D.C. is declared the third-booziest "state" in the country, thanks to a new study from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Where do they drink more than here? In South Dakota and North Dakota, apparently. +1

Kastles Are Khampions: Team tennis is a concept that never made a whole lot of sense to us; we're no experts, but we're pretty sure you can't actually play a tennis match with more than four people at a time. Nevertheless, with the D.C. sports scene in as dismal state as it is, we won't quibble with the notion that a team from here won its league. The Washington Kastles, in their inaugural season at a new facility near the Southwest waterfront, went 16-0, wrapping up the World Team Tennis title this weekend by defeating the St. Louis Aces on a neutral court in Charleston, S.C. Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing. +3

Friday's Needle rating: 39 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 42

Adult Edu-tainment: There's finally an anchor tenant for the Southwest Waterfront development complex—Graduate School USA, the institution formerly known as the U.S. Department of Agriculture grad school. (There's also a new name for the complex—"The Wharf on the Southwest Waterfront," which makes us expect to see Elia Kazan guest-lecturing on filmmaking.) So far, the other major tenant in the area is the Washington Kastles stadium. Maybe the Graduate School can offer courses explaining what, exactly, team tennis is? +3

Sulaimon Sings!: Everybody's favorite minor mayoral candidate is reportedly talking to the FBI. Sulaimon Brown, who scored 209 votes in last year's election, has been the talk of D.C. politics ever since he claimed he was given cash payments, and later offered a job, as part of a political quid pro quo for his campaign-trail attacks on former mayor Adrian Fenty. After weeks of worry that Brown's appointment was a sign that the District was backsliding towards its lawless 1980s past, the feds' interest should signal that Uncle Sam won't let that happen. On the other hand, evidence to the contrary: Brown claims his bike was stolen off the street while he was in a federal office chatting with the G-Men. -1

The Social Network City: And now for another installment of "Completely Meaningless Quasi-Scientific Rankings by National Magazines." Today's edition comes to you via Men's Health, which has declared the District to be "America's Most Socially Networked City," because we're "a city where staying connected can get out the vote, and virtual handshakes help shape our nation." Last on the list: El Paso, Texas. There's a paragraph full of nonsense explaining the rankings, which involved getting ad network Chikita to "analyze" traffic generated on other social networks, but do you really care? +1

Blue is the New Yellow. In a move that will surely inspire hours of conversation by transit geeks everywhere, Metro has unveiled its long-awaited Blue Line/Yellow Line switcheroo: Starting next June, a third of the Blue Line trains coming out of Franconia will start heading into D.C. via the Yellow Line bridge over the Potomac, thereby skipping the long detour through Rosslyn. Shocking! To compensate the underserved Rosslynites, the system will add an extra three Orange Line trains per hour. But what about those poor schlubs who want nothing more than a quick trip to Arlington National Cemetery? +3

Yesterday's Needle rating: 44 Today's score: +6 Today's Needle rating: 50

The House Always Wins: In the first month since opening near Ocean City, Maryland's new Ocean Downs casino took in $3 million. Not bad, considering it's not exactly high season at the beach. Another casino near Perryville, off I-95, generated another $7.7 million. Maybe D.C. officials should look into gambling as a source of local revenue? After all, there seems to be no end to the number of politically connected folks landing $110,000-a-year jobs. +1

Bike Bonanza: Consider this fair warning to the various obnoxious drivers of the region who like to grumble about sharing the road with bicyclists—there's likely to be a lot of bikes around downtown this week. The National Bike Summit is set to kick off tomorrow at the Grand Hyatt, amid concerns that the federal budget deficit will mean cuts to bike funding. Here in D.C., the city's own budget deficit may mean fewer cars on the road—since with a nine-figure shortfall, District officials can't afford too many $2,000-a-month SUVs! +2

Anyone for Tennis?: Discount buses aren't the only thing being displaced by the imminent start of construction on the former convention center site. The Washington Kastles, the local team tennis franchise (whose name is not misspelled, but rather a tribute to a sponsor, Kastle Systems), will play this season in a temporary facility near the Southwest waterfront. It's near the Metro, near the Circulator, and presumably, you could also boat there. +1

Record Rained Out: Yes, that officially was an unusual amount of rain yesterday. A record set in 1967 for rainfall on March 6 at Dulles International Airport was broken by Sunday's storm, which dumped 1.64 inches by the end of the day. If you're building an ark near Dulles, we suggest you check with Metro to see if the construction for the Silver Line will interfere with its deployment. -1

Friday's Needle rating: 38 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 41

Local branches of the group pick the players from each city. Players will also compete for a chance to represent the United States at the Homeless World Cup in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Homeless World Cup aims to raise awareness of global homelessness; it was the focus of the documentary film Kicking It.

The tournament begins today with a "parade of states" and celebrity kickoff, and concludes Sunday when the championship game will be held and the national roster will be announced. The event is at the Washington Kastles Stadium at the site of the old convention center on 11th and H Streets NW. Tickets are free. (If you go, don't be surprised if the atmosphere reminds you of RFK—a contingent from D.C. United fan club the Barra Brava will be there tonight, supporting the D.C. team against New York.)

Photo by Joel Mason-Gaines

Like you, I was flummoxed to learn
Our leader! A signal-less turn!
The man is a menace
When late for his tennis
The match is a bigger concern

At sixteen you can't drink a Bud
(You'd just hit the ground with a thud)
The Red Cross is low
On stocks of type O
So maybe soon teens can give blood

A lot like a snowball in hell
The chances of this don't seem swell
This week the sweat trickles
And Vince hates on Nickles
By asking to bid him farewell

Yes, rhyming 'bout weather is lame
But heat has me off of my game!
Our swamp, lads and ladies
Is hotter'n Hades
And these dudes are clearly to blame

The Washington Kastles lost to the Philadelphia Freedoms, the team named after an Elton John song or vice versa, in their home opener last night. The big stories were the sellout crowd that filled Empty Parking Lot Arena, or whatever the temp downtown stadium is called, and the appearance of tireless Venus Williams, who gave a clinic to local kids by day and starred on the court at night.

The loss puts the Kastles at 0-3. Amazing how quickly they've blended into the DC sports scene.

***

Speaking of: The Nats lost again in Colorado. Just another day at the office for the boys: Three errors for Washington (none for the Rockies), one-run loss.

Austin Kearns, he of the $8 million 2009 salary, had a huge pinch hit single in the 8th inning. Huge not for the Nats, but for Kearns, since it put his batting average above .200 for the first time in a while. Alas, the team's mandatory all-star slot has already been filled by Ryan Zimmerman.

The Nats have a death grip on the 1st Pick in next year's draft, and are now 14.5 games out of second-to-last place in the NL East. The team can boast a record -196-run run differential differential (R2D2™) with the league-leading Los Angeles Dodgers.

Manny Acta et al will try to fight off the broom with a getaway-day game this afternoon in Denver.

AFTER THE JUMP: Inevitable Chris Cooley backlash starting already? The guy who taught us "Macaca" still thinks he's righteous? Alberto Gonzales banished to an American archipelago? The Irish play basketball?

***

Whereas being a wild ass came naturally to past Redskins wild-asses (John Riggins, Curtis Jordan, etc...), Chris Cooley's wild-assishness by now seems incredibly forced. Cooley has gotten desperate to throw his wacky side in everybody's face. Every week there's a new stunt, promoted on his blog. If it ain't a shot of his naughty bits, it's a flaming cow. And on and on.

So when somebody at Extremeskins, Dan Snyder's message board, let everybody know that Cooley will be featured on a segment of ESPN's magazine show "E60", with him playing around on a ranch, the reaction wasn't all pro-#47.

The poster SkinsTerps26, whose board signature is a photo of Cooley, singed the star like a cow carcass, and probably spoke for a lot of fans as he did so:

"Cooley being all over TV and Internet bug me," wrote SkinsTerps26. "You are a funny guy... kinda... but after the cow burning and those stupid mustard peanut butter and ham sandwiches, its time to take a time out from video appearances. Go learn how to block."

Ouch!

***

From characters to character: The Examiner reports ex-Senator George Allen is putting out a sports book. "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports."

The publisher's tease says Allen is qualified for such a book because he "spent the better part of his life with one foot in both the world of sports and the world of politics." He spent the worst part of his life with one foot in his mouth. Isn't his license to ride the high horse still suspended?

But, damn, his dad was my favorite football coach of all time.

***

Another guy who left town in shame: Alberto Gonzales, the short and disgraced former attorney general, not the shortstop for the disgraceful Washington Nationals, has been hired to teach by my alma mater, Texas Tech. Gonzales probably figured Lubbock is a fine place to go when the rest of the world hates you, seeing how it worked out for Bobby Knight. If Coach Knight were still leading the Red Raiders, you know he'd be asking Gonzales to draw up a memo on how far he could legally push his players during "enhanced workouts." Those who want Gonzales tried for war crimes can take comfort knowing that while it ain't jail, a stay in Lubbock is a close second.

The town gave us Buddy Holly, bless him, but has been making up for that ever since. (Before hiring Gonzales, Tech chancellor and Democrat-turned-Republican ex-Congressman Kent Hance sacrificed whatever pride the school had trying to land the George W. Bush Library.)

***

Speaking of my roots and coaches in exile: Great story in the Washington Times about Jay Larranaga, son of George Mason coach Jim Larranaga.

The littler Larranaga is the player-coach of the national basketball team of Ireland. The squad's never been good. Writer Bob Cohn wraps up Irish international hoops history thusly: "In Ireland's only Olympic appearance in men's basketball in 1948, it lost all four games by an average of 51 points, including a 71-9 defeat by Mexico."

Ok, but in fairness to my people, folks are still talking about that '48 Mexican squad, nicknamed El Fuego Cinco*.

*Nobody's really talking about the '48 Mexican national basketball team, and they weren't really called "El Fuego Cinco." Continued apologies for my Los Lobos spanish. But the W. Times' story is really fun.

D.C. United's pride, but little else, is on the line again in a U.S. Open Cup match tonight at the Maryland SoccerPlex. Fresh off vanquishing the amateur Ocean City (N.J.) Barons, otherwise known as "the Real Madrid of Ocean City (N.J.)," United now has to take on the Harrisburg City Islanders, known around their hometown as, you know it: "the Real Madrid of Harrisburg."

Again, no matter how old this U.S. Open Cup tournament is, and United's crack PR staff keeps telling everybody it's really, really old, all these games against no-name teams in the suburbs ain't good for the brand.

***

The Washington Times' Thom Loverro tells the story of gangster John Dillinger's flair on the baseball diamond before he went bad, and gives some ink to a latter-day John Dillinger who stuck with baseball but probably would have made more money if he'd taken up crime.

Johnny Depp's only going to play one of 'em in "Public Enemies," a megamillion dollar feature film that explains the timing of Loverro's piece.

But revisiting the tale of the first John Dillinger is worthy: It reminds all DC fans that Austin Kearns, he of the $8 million 2009 salary and sub-Mendoza batting average, isn't the first guy to use baseball as a path to robbery.

AFTER THE JUMP: Venus, the star, is aligned for tonight? How do you sign up for trapeze school? Just one more crystal meth bust and we've got a story?

***

Kearns wasn't in the lineup, but his teammates picked up where he left off on the non-hitting front, getting blanked, 1-0, by the Colorado Rockies late last night. Shut out in Denver?

***

Nicole Bobek, the post-Tonya Harding "bad girl" of the prissy rink set who won some titles in the mid-1990s, has just been charged with meth amphetamine distribution in New Jersey. Bobek's bust comes in the midst of NASCAR's Jeremy Mayfield's court battle to get reinstated after his suspension for having meth in his pee pee after a race in Richmond this spring. Guess Sudafed won't be sponsoring Mayfield's #41 Toyota when he gets back on track.

One more of these arrests, and look for a heap of trend stories on high-profile athletes who threw it all away for this brand new wonder drug.

***

The Washington Kastles say Venus Williams, just three days from losing to her sister in the Wimbledon final, will indeed live up to her contractual obligation and appear with the Philadelphia Freedoms tonight in a team tennis match at the old Convention Center site. Last year, Serena lost to Venus in the finals, and made the same three-day turnaround to appear at a clinic with the Kastles during the day and play with the squad here that night. Their lives aren't really theirs.

***

The Kastles aren't the only ones playing with a net downtown. The tennis team is sharing the big parking lot this year with a trapeze school.

The Trapeze School of New York moved its flying trapeze rig and relocated its teaching staff from Baltimore several weeks ago.

Beth Manning, spokesperson for the school, says things have been swinging along quite well since the grand opening here in early June.

"The president of the company had to come down from New York yesterday to teach because we're so busy in D.C. now," Manning says.

A lot of local businesses are using the school for corporate team building exercises, Manning says. "There's a lot of trust involved in trapeze," she says.

Just what this town's craving: Today's classes, like most days lately, are all sold out, Manning says.

"But I've got an opening tomorrow for one person at 9:30 [a.m.] and one at 12:30 p.m.," Manning says.

For information, phone 410-459-6839 or email dcinfo@trapezeschool.com.

***

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