Tweed Ride Gallery.  400 Block I Street, NW.  Nov. 13th.  © 2011 Matt Dunn

The big story for political operatives and reporters yesterday was the back-and-forth between the White House and Republicans in Congress over when, exactly, President Barack Obama would head up to the Capitol to make a speech about getting the economy back on track that the Republicans in Congress would then ignore.

Obama had proposed delivering the speech next Wednesday night; the GOP objected, because their own would-be presidents will be debating that night in California, under the auspices of Politico and NBC News. A terrible conflict! (At least for the reporters and editors who don't have any choice but to pay attention to both events; since the speech is unlikely to do much to actually get more people employed, it's hard to get that worked up about when it happens or what else is going on at the same moment.) Fortunately for the future of the republic—as you already know if you didn't have the sense to ignore this preposterous story—the White House decided, once again, to do what House Speaker John Boehner wants, and the Obama speech will now be next Thursday night instead.

But the showdown did make us wonder about what other events here in D.C. might cause such consternation if they were scheduled at the same time. Below, as a public service, Washington City Paper presents a list of the top five scheduling conflicts to avoid. We must all do everything in our power to make sure none of these actually happen! The fate of the world is depending on it.

• Conflict: Washington Adult Kickball Association championship game scheduled for same time as D.C. Bocce league opening week.
• What Would Go Wrong: Supply of plastic cups runs dangerously short; lines to get into bars with rec-league-sponsored drink specials run dangerously long.

• Conflict: National Cupcake Day scheduled for same time as D.C. Tweed Ride.
• What Would Go Wrong: Alarming confluence of precious foods and/or outfits could disrupt the time/space continuum.

• Conflict: Metro escalator outage at same time as overactive Department of Public Works parking enforcement.
• What Would Go Wrong: Neighborhood email lists swamped with passive-aggressive posts about how inconvenienced members feel could potentially be the thing that finally brings down the Internet.

• Conflict: D.C. Triathlon scheduled for same time as Morning Joe taping.
• What Would Go Wrong: Former Mayor Adrian Fenty is fast, but not fast enough to swim, bike, run, and praise Wisconsin's union-busting Republican Gov. Scott Walker all at once.

• Conflict: Hurricane scheduled for same week as earthquake—again.
• What Would Go Wrong: Alas, Pat Collins might not make it through a second time.

Screengrab from YouTube

Tweed Ride, Nov. 14. © 2010 Matt Dunn

Tweed Ride, Nov. 14th. © 2010 Matt Dunn

For walkers, this week was bad luck
While crossing the street, two were struck
Sure, fate is capricious
But why not delicious?
Heck yes, I'd get hit by this truck

It sure seems that Metro's bemoaning
The change that had riders all groaning
With kiosks outmoded
Make fares auto-loaded
Not yet, though, 'cause Catoe's postponing

I'm sad to see Cephas depart
For with him, that man takes my heart
He's clearly an ass
But lovably crass
In my book, bad taste is an art

When casting your vote in the booth
Just think of Graham's bowtie (so couth!)
Whatever you ponder
Don't let your mind wander
To thoughts of cabs, bribes, or that youth

As poet, I feel obligated
To highlight things classic (or dated?)
And yet, here's my screed:
Screw biking in tweed
That whole thing seemed way overrated...

I reached out to "Sir E. Channing," one of the ride's organizers, with some concerns. The following entrevue took place via electronic letter.

Washington City Paper: I'm not too familiar with our local dandies, other than the guy who rides up and down Kalorama on an English three-speed with a porkpie hat. Is he one of you?
Sir E. Channing: The three speed pedaler in the porkpie sounds charming and fits the description of one invited. Without further details, one can't be certain. Please do inform the gentleman of our planned event.

How many people are you hoping will ride?
As this is the first tweed ride known to occur in D.C. since the infestation of the automobile, we cannot be certain of how many riders will attend. Mere mention of it over a month ago have sent dozens of dapper dandies and quaintrelles quietly in search of suitable tweed and steel. This ride will serve to announce our arrival in a city in dire need of dandified representation. The word will be sure to travel in the right circles. The spring ride should bring dandies in great numbers from both near and far.

Have you been on one of these tweed rides before [e.g., 1, 2] ? Do you enjoy the feeling of wind whipping through your twined handlebar ends?
None of our members have been on tweed rides in any other cities. We are pleased that this city will present us with our first brisk and exhilarating experience pedaling steel in style. I have been an avid cyclist for over 15 years and have been passionate about matters of style for the entirety of my existence. I've learned of these rides in other cities through the internet only a few months ago and have since set about forming an event for D.C.

I understand the prohibition against fleece, but what about bike helmets? What about equestrian helmets—would those be better?
The organizers of this ride would like to encourage the wearing of helmets. We suspect that many will want to avoid the destruction of fastidiously arranged hairstyles. Others will want to display fine headgear that offers plenty of style and very little protection. We do anticipate a leisurely pace and a group large enough to be recognized by others on the road. We have no intentions of preventing the participation of the helmetless.

Are you concerned about congregating so many dandies in one location? What if a meteor hits? Will the bottom fall out of the horsehair market?
The planned or haphazard congregation of any population of dandies numbering more than just a few should arouse the concerns of all upstanding citizenry. And while the odds of a concurrent supernatural event may be quite slim, we may market ourselves to any who lend us the slightest bit of attention regardless of the possibility of cataclysm.

Please direct any further questions to my attention,

Delightfully yours,

Sir E. Channing

Photographs by Darrow Montgomery

NOTE: An earlier version of this post misstated the date for the ride. Gentlemen do make mistakes!