Virginia is for Gay-Bashers: Turns out the Transportation Security Administration was hoping more people would opt out of the scans and force them to touch their junk last week. Or at least, such is the feverish conspiracy theory espoused by Loudon County Board of Supervisors member Eugene Delgaudio. The TSA patdowns, Delgaudio declares, are all [...]

Congestion Nation: Apparently traffic has gotten so bad that the Weather Channel has started covering it, as if it were a natural phenomenon like fog or a snowstorm. The network has a Thanksgiving travel rating up today, which ranks the southern portion of the Beltway the seventh-worst road in the nation this weekend. Friday, though, [...]

Flapjake Fenty: Anyone wondering what Still Mayor Adrian Fenty will be doing for a living when his title changes to Former Mayor Adrian Fenty can wonder no more. Turns out the IHOP uniform suits him fine. The only problem will be when the obsessive triathlete has to take orders from customers eager to try the [...]

Do you like eating pizza? Do you also like being instructed to run your hands up strangers' legs until you brush up against their testicles? If so, you're in luck!

Good morning, City Deskers. The big news of this otherwise quiet week is that Barack Obama has declared there was a "systemic failure" of U.S. national security because the government had information that, had it been pieced together, could have thwarted Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab's attempted airliner attack.
Also: that Abdulmuttalab was lonely and sad.
But let's stop [...]

"Sir, you do read and write English?"
"Yes, officer."
"So you are aware that this is a no-standing zone?"
"Yes, officer."
"And you are aware that it's five days after 9/11?"
"Um...yes, officer."*
"And that our country is at war right now?"