Why Don't You Get A Job? The November jobs numbers are out, and unemployment is at its lowest rate since 2009! At 8.6. percent, everything sounds really good, until you remember that the boost is probably due to holiday hiring, and the fact that several hundred thousand more people simply just gave up on finding a job. -3

Traffic Is Getting Worse: You know that feeling like you're crawling along in traffic? Is it happening at the same place every day? A new report has identified the worst place for traffic in D.C.: "Northbound I-395 between Washington Boulevard and Route 110, from 8:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. The average speed along that stretch during that time is five miles per hour."  -3

Warms The Cockles Of Our Liver: 20-month-year-old twins Maria and Teresa Tapia were born conjoined at the lower chest, and separated surgically at VCU's hospital. Read this and tell us you don't feel all sappy: "While they're getting accustomed to exploring their surroundings separately, they still stay near each other and hold hands when they walk." The girls are expected to go home to the Dominican Republic by Christmas. +5

Failure to Fire: Five students are suing Howard University for not firing a now-jailed employee after initial complaints that he sexually assaulted several young women he supervised.  "Howard University created a hostile and abusive working environment for all plaintiffs by continuing to employ [George] Bright-Abu after being made aware of his ongoing physical and verbal sexual assault," said attorney Christal Edwards. -5

Yesterday's Needle rating: 67 Today's score: -6 Friday bonus: +2 Today's Needle rating: 63

Don't Get Mad, Get Even: YouTube is already good for bringing fame and fortune to people, whether they deserve it or not. Now an Arlington man is hoping it's good for bringing justice, too. After someone took a TV he'd ordered online off his porch, Rob Richards posted surveillance video of the delivery and the heist on the Internet. Police say they're not sure how helpful it'll be, but at least the score—"The Blue Danube"—makes for relaxing viewing. +1

Rush Hour Baby: Study after study brings dismal news about D.C. traffic. It's bad; we get it. Just how bad, though, is really only fully realized when some unfortunate woman can't even get through the logjams to deliver a baby. It happened again this morning, around 6:30 a.m., near the intersection of Florida and New York avenues. A 911 dispatcher coached the new mother through birth. No word on whether the baby is to be named Dave Thomas, in honor of the Wendy's that dominates the intersection. +2

Oh Chompie, Why Have You Forsaken Us?: When Discovery executives announced there would not, in fact, be an inflatable shark gracing downtown Silver Spring this year for Shark Week, there was much gnashing of teeth in the area. (Happily, those teeth were mostly of the human, not giant shark, variety.) But only now is there an explanation for the absence of Chompie: The weather got to him. Which means there's really not much difference between giant inflatable sharks and the rest of us in the D.C. area, is there? -1

Don't Throw That Out!: Don't be surprised if retail employees start watching to see what you bring into a store, not just to make sure you haven't taken anything out. Several stores are complaining that they've been hit with fines of up to $200 for stuff customers threw out—from recycling in a trash can, to a couch by the dumpster, to other violations of the trash rules. Remember: You throw it out, you bought it. -1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 51 Today's score: +1 Today's Needle rating: 52

Congestion Nation: Apparently traffic has gotten so bad that the Weather Channel has started covering it, as if it were a natural phenomenon like fog or a snowstorm. The network has a Thanksgiving travel rating up today, which ranks the southern portion of the Beltway the seventh-worst road in the nation this weekend. Friday, though, temperatures should warm up a little. -1

Okay, Fine, Touch My Junk: All the panic about how bad security lines would be at airports today turns out to have been in vain, as anecdotes and Twitter updates are pouring in from DCA, IAD, and BWI that everything's moving just fine. Which means if you're still on the way to the airport, you've got plenty of time to ask the the Transportation Security Administration to make out with you and still catch your flight! +2

Jobs Are Better Than Stuffing: A few years ago, it would have been tough to imagine treating word that D.C.'s unemployment rate was 9.7 percent as good news. But we go to war with the economy Wall Street and decades of deregulation have left us with, not the economy we might wish we had. Which means today's announcement—the fifth-straight month the unemployment rate has ticked down here—is actually something to welcome. The bad news, of course, is that lower unemployment most likely means more people have simply given up and stopped looking for work—thus rendering them officially invisible in labor statistics. Don't think for a minute any politicians will let that stop them from hailing the news, though. +2

Playoffs?: Hope springs eternal in the hearts of Redskins fans; we went to a Chuck Brown show one summer at which the late Lil' Benny led the crowd in a chant that the Skins were going to the Super Bowl, a few weeks before yet another losing season kicked off and only a few months after the losing season before that had ended. And so it's hardly surprising that at 5-5, the team has people talking about how it could make the playoffs. Such talk is the very definition of preposterous optimism, but hey, it's Thanksgiving. +1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 44 Today's score: +4 Thanksgiving bonus: +4 (we like turkey) Today's Needle rating: 52

Suspected Shooter: Authorities say they've arrested one of the men responsible for yesterday's broad daylight shooting outside a funeral on U Street. Brandon Miller, of Girard Street NW, was taken into custody late last night. Miller will be charged with the murder of Jamal Coates. Still at large, according to the Metropolitan Police Department: A car used to flee the scene of the attack, and possibly another suspect. Not surprisingly, MPD says the shooting was related to ongoing gang clashes, and had nothing to do with Ashley McRae, whose funeral was shot up. -5

Traffic Not So Jammed: Every year, the Texas Traffic Institute's Urban Mobility Report causes a lot of gnashing of teeth and rending of garments here in the D.C. region, when it declares congestion in the area is bad enough to rival that Chinese traffic jam. But a new study by CEOs for Cities says we're actually in better shape if you measure how much time people spend in their cars during peak driving times, ranked only 14th. Nashville ranks worst, mostly because of sprawl. Which means there are 13 cities with more sprawling suburbs than D.C.'s. Which is sort of scary. +2

Negative Growth: The recession may be officially over. But Almost Mayor Vincent Gray tells local business leaders D.C. may as well be in a depression. Gray probably is feeling a little depressed, ever since new budget projections came out showing the District will have a $175 million shortfall in the fiscal year beginning Friday. By Nov. 2, will he still want the job he spent the last few months beating Adrian Fenty for? -3

Special Sausage Delivery: Forget about the healthy, local vegetables that typically fill community-supported agriculture boxes—why eat that green stuff when you can have pork instead? Seasonal Pantry is starting a sausage club that promises 6 pounds of meat for $50 in October. The bad news: You've got to go pick the links up yourself, rather than having them arrive at your house. The good news: That little bit of exercise will help keep your arteries clear. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 46 Today's score: -4 Today's Needle rating: 42

Clean Me a River: Long-time Washingtonians may sometimes wonder what's going through the heads (or digestive tracts) of people fishing on the banks of the Potomac River. For decades, the river's been considered so polluted as to be a national disgrace. Turns out those people fishing were just ahead of the curve, though; a new study finds the Potomac is in better health now than it was in the 1950s. Evidently, all it took was putting an end to the practice of dumping sewage into the water. Scientists needed 60 years to think of that? +5

Ride a Bike: With schools back in session everywhere in the region and drivers returning to the roads after August beach vacations and last-gasp Labor Day trips away from home, today was officially declared "Terrible Traffic Tuesday," which, as arbitrary names go, is far catchier than "Cyber Monday," but still kind of... silly. So far as we could tell, traffic wasn't actually any worse than usual. That's because we rode our bike to work today, just like we do most days. Sure, it was hot, and there's always the risk of getting run over by a frustrated driver, but isn't that more fun than being the frustrated driver? -2

No, Really—Ride a Bike: A DDOT study shows drivers on 15th Street NW have been speeding less since a "contraflow" bike lane was installed running south on the one-way northbound street, and more cyclists are using the street to get around, with a 40 percent increase in bikes spotted at 15th and T. The lane will soon be extended so it runs from E Street NW to W Street NW; now, it only goes between U Street NW and Massachusetts Avenue NW. Best news? D.C.'s bike lanes cost only $100,000 a mile, as opposed to New York City's tab: $1.5 million per mile. (On the other hand, New York's bikes probably cost more, on average, too, thanks to the prevalence of hipsters riding expensive track bikes from dive bar to dive bar—here, we just don't have as many dive bars to commute between on carbon fiber frames.) +3

Marty Peretz Weighs In: Any voters still undecided between Vincent Gray and Adrian Fenty now, officially, no longer have an excuse not to make up their minds—The New Republic's D.C. mayoral endorsement is finally out! Counter-intuitively, TNR decided not to go the counter-intuitive route, and endorsed exactly the candidate you'd expect for a neo-liberal opinion journal mostly written and read by over-educated white people: Fenty. (Of course, that's a whole different demographic than, say, an alt-weekly mostly written and read by over-educated white people.) Admittedly, TNR's editorial wisdom has not always persuaded the masses; otherwise, we might be living through President Joe Lieberman's second term. If Fenty wins, we at Washington City Paper look forward to the inevitable "Were We Wrong?" follow-up sometime in 2013. 0

Friday's Needle rating: 37 Today's score: +6 Today's Needle rating: 43

This morning, Department of Public Works staffer Kevin Twine sent an email to several Northwest D.C. neighborhood listservs, informing residents of the ticketing snafu:

"To ease the parking burden created by the Nuclear Security Summit, the DC Department of Public Works issued a news release April 9, 2010 advising motorists that vehicles parked within the boundaries below, between April 12-14, would not be ticketed for residential street cleaning.  Some motorists did receive these tickets in error and the tickets will be voided automatically.

Streets within which street cleaning ticketing was suspended from April 12 to 14:

• Florida Avenue, NW (northern boundary).
• H Street, NW (southern boundary).
• 5^th Street, NW (eastern boundary).
• 15^th Street, NW (western boundary).

Please contact me directly if you have any problems.  I do apologize for any confusion or inconvenience this may have caused.

 Regards,

Kevin"

Hey, asshole.

Yeah—talking to you, guy who didn't shovel his sidewalk after 35 inches of snow.

Asa Fukuhara, a 32-year-old Agriculture Department engineer, died yesterday in Prince George's County after he was likely forced to walk in the street because snow blocked his path.

Think about that next time you decide Mother Nature to take care of your walk-clearing duties, please.

Perhaps the admonition here is overdramatic. The stretch of sidewalk in question was next to a well-traveled thoroughfare; the rundown occurred on Branch Avenue just outside the D.C. line, not far from the Branch Avenue Metro station that was Fukuhara's destination.

Sgt. Michelle Reedy of the Prince George's County Police says the collision occurred on a stretch of road where the sidewalk ends and becomes what she describes as a "well-worn footpath." There is some dispute, she says, whether the state or country or someone else would have been responsible for clearing the path.

But at the end of the day, the lesson's clear: not upholding the urban compact and clearing a path for your neighbors can have consequences.

Now this message isn't mainly meant for Joe Homeowner, it's also meant for businesses and governmental bodies who are responsible for vast stretches of sidewalk that never see a shovel. If you don't do you part, lives are in danger. And specifically for you governments out there: Spending all your resources to clear streets without lifting a finger for pedestrians is a mistake.

The hit-and-run driver is still at large.

When Target and Best Buy invested
We knew it would get more congested
But more halfwits swerving
At 14th and Irving
Should make that place wholly detested

Well, let me just say that this particular source's stats were off this Xmas. Perhaps it was because the big day fell on a Friday and everyone interpreted it as just another long weekend; or maybe this region is drowning in traffic anyway. But: It was hell out there on the bookends of this holiday weekend. My experience: 5 hours from D.C. to the Delaware Memorial Bridge on Wednesday afternoon. A record.

You knew the year couldn't possibly end without another major mishap on the Metro lines, right? And sure enough, Sunday morning brought the news of more mayhem related to the region's rail-transport provider. The deal this time is that a Red Line train headed for Shady Grove hit a man at the Chinatown-Gallery Place station, at about 7:30 Sunday morning. The fellow was apparently conscious.

What of the Giants? They wallop the Skins on Monday night, at FedEx, and then go home and decided to imitate the team they'd just beaten.

And though the fate of Redskins Coach Jim Zorn was sealed weeks—perhaps months—ago, he managed to apply an extra coating last night.

*UNWANTED SLUMBER PARTY: WTOP reports that a Georgetown student discovered a strange man in her bed yesterday morning. The G'town Cuddler strikes again? Police aren't sure:

"She screamed, he fled, and detectives responded," says D.C. Police Commander Matt Klein, "and subsequently took a report for a second degree sexual abuse."

The only description detectives have is the man had a scruffy beard.

*ALONG THE SAME LINES: WUSA9 has the story of Richard Abner Simon, who is being charged with "Felony Indecent Liberties" after being accused of exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl in Arlington.

*WASHINGTON POST WRITES GRAF ABOUT INTERVEW SUBJECT TWITTERING ABOUT WASHINGTON POST INTERVIEW:

Kaitlyn [Maher], one of the top 10 finalists on "America's Got Talent," who has an upcoming Disney movie and debut album, was still very much a 5-year-old. Already, though, her Twitter account read: "kaitlynmaher Is looking forward to 'Washington Post' reporter visiting tonight to do an interview with her! :)."

*...and Rebecca Armendariz of the Washington Blade takes the Post to task for its NOM "puff piece." To wit:

Did everybody read the Washington Post's puff piece on the hate-spewers at the National Organization for Marriage that ran on Friday? The one that basically said, "Hey gays, we're going to not only run this sunny portrait of a bigot, but also plaster a photo of him and his lovely wife across the top of the page!" The one with the headline, "Opposing gay unions with sanity and a smile"?

*TONIGHT'S CITY LIGHTS PICK: Traffic at AFI Silver Theatre and Cultural Center. As Erik Wemple observes: "Stress is the essence of Michael Douglas." Also, special prize for anyone who can answer the following: Why does AFI use the British spelling for "Theatre" but the American spelling for "Center"?

Photograph by Flickr user striatic, Creative Commons Attribution License.

Not the driver of the beige Corolla with Maryland plates. She calmly waits for a break in traffic going the other way, does a U-turn, crosses another solid line, and scoots off in the direction indicated with a wobbly red line and an arrow.

While I'm marveling at this advance in driving science (usually you have to go to, like, Madrid to see this sort of thing), a rescue vehicle from a department I can't identify does the exact same thing.

In one of his opening posts, Mr. Fantasy, also known as writer Gene Wang, mulls going after Michael Vick and decides he ain't gonna.

I've always stayed away from this stuff, because I'm scared. Over the years I've watched more friends throw it all away — families, fall Sundays, the ability to hold a conversation, etc... — on fantasy football than on booze and drugs combined.

What I'm saying is: It must be awwwwsummmm.

*Lazy headline, for sure, but I love this song like few others...

A peculiarity of the at the western terminus is that traffic already in the circle must yield to traffic entering the circle — the exact opposite of the usual rule.

Every morning I see exactly the same traffic incident resulting from this "peculiarity."

A Virginia-bound car (a) exits the bridge just as a car in the traffic circle (b) inches forward, not sure to whom it's supposed to yield. At point (c), car (a) nearly rear-ends car (b) at point (c) then lays on the horn and chases car (b) all the way down toward 395, honking, flashing lights, and flipping the bird. (I'm at point (d), glad I'm on a bike.)

I see this every. single. morning. Anyone have any idea how this "peculiarity" could be addressed? You can't have bridge traffic yield; that would quickly back traffic up across the bridge and probably up 23rd Street NW and the Rock Creek Parkway. Could signage address it? A light?

Here's the gpa01-09inaugsecplans1, plus map.