As if anyone really wants to be reminded of the worst movies of the past year, the annual Razzie noms were announced today, a day before tomorrow's bleating of 2008's Academy Award contenders.

Among the most multifaceted bottom-feeders are Mike Myers' The Love Guru, Paris Hilton's The Hottie and the Nottie, M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, the aptly named Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Uwe Boll's In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.

If you just said "huh?" to the last one -- or, more likely, a couple of 'em -- that's part of what usually makes the Razzies such a nonevent. I haven't seen any of the above movies, and though Love Guru and The Happening are at least high-profile, most of the movies dishonored were in and out of theaters before anyone could even hear about them, slow-moving targets in only the bwahahaha-you-sure-do-suck! sense.

Read More "The Razzie Nominations" »

Worst. Movie. Ever.

To those who wasted their time and money on this ludicrous bore, I'm sorry I couldn't warn you sooner.

And to those who still think the latest from Frank Miller might be worth a peek, trust me: Unless you happen to be tripping your brains out, the visuals can't save the tedium.

Scarlett Johannson will rue the day she agreed to call someone a "fart" on film. (Oh yes she did.)

Stay the fuck away!

I've still got rum balls to roll, people. So let's make this run-down of the week's openings quick, using an easy-to-understand grading system that's both familiar and festive:

The Wrestler: NICE
Gran Torino: NICE
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: NOT AS NICE AS IT THINKS IT IS
Marley & Me: NAUGHTY
Bedtime Stories: REALLY NAUGHTY
The Reader: BORDERLINE, BUT I'M VOTING NAUGHTY
The Spirit: PRETTY BUT NAUGHTY
Valkyrie: WHO CARES

Look for reviews of The Wrestler, Gran Torino, and Benjamin Button on this site soon, if not already -- there's a good chance that, through the magic of the Internet, I'll still be sleeping when this posts.

Ho ho ho, etc.!