I can understand -- sort of -- when studios bombard me every December with what are essentially glossy picture books of Academy Award contenders. They feature stills and factoids about the films they're touting; inevitably, I shake the envelope in vain to dump out the surely enclosed screener and think, "That's it? That's what FedEx woke me up at 8 a.m. to sign for?"

But I was pretty disgusted yesterday when I picked up a UPS Next Day Air envelope from Fox Marketing in California. Again, I was expecting a screener. But what I got was...a Valentine's Day card. Which was really lame swag for (500) Days of Summer, a romantic comedy that doesn't open until July.

Good to know that there are still some businesses with money to throw away.

City Paper's new-found promotional intensity does not end with hats. Last week, we got magnets.

They're nice, but they made me kinda nervous because I didn't edit any of the stories featured. What do the marketing people know that I don't? I worried.

Today I'm feeling more sanguine about my prospects for continued employment, because: PENS!

Piles of ’em, on top of the filing cabinet where the office supplies are! And check out what they're promoting:

Yeah, buddy! Young & Hungry? I edit it! Black Plastic Bag? I've totally posted on it! City List? Hey, those InCopy files don't drag themselves onto the server, pal!

Maybe I'll buy that new TV after all.