ESPN reported that the jury of "Clemens' peers" has the following stats: "10 women, two men, nine African American, three white." The network's on-air talent concluded the report by with a evidence-free assertion that, "It's a jury that many experts said if it came down to this sort of composition it could be good for the defense."

Wha? How's that again?

Anyway, Judge Reggie B. Walton is hearing the Clemens case. If I were an ESPN expert, I'd say Walton could be good for the offense. He's the same guy who oversaw United States v. Libby.

That's the last big perjury show to play here in the Nation's Capital.

And Scooter Libby, remember, was convicted in 2007 on four of five counts related to his lying to the Feds about outing Valerie Plame. Walton sentenced him to 30 months in the hole.

But wait! Libby's jail sentence was quickly commuted by President George W. Bush, who said that the trial had taken enough of a toll on his friend and Dick Cheney's chief of staff, since it left Libby's reputation "forever damaged" and his family "suffered immensely" during the prosecution.

Clemens, like Libby, is a good friend of the Bush family.

And in my role as an ESPN-caliber expert, I'll assert the friendship with the Bush family and their history of commuting sentences of convicted perjurers who've suffered damage to their reputation and whose families have been hurt by federal government prosecution is  good for the defense.

So at this stage of the trial, for those keeping score about what's good for whom, it's 2-1 defense. Keep the dial right here for this type of expert analysis throughout the trial.

Well, in the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy, at least.

He's had that spot for years, actually. Among the anti-drug literature long available on the ONDCP's website is a roster of what is headlined "Street/Slang Terms for Steroids."

And atop a list that includes "gym candy," "pumpers" and "stackers," you'll find "Arnolds."

Several years ago I asked the Drug Enforcement Agency, which also put its own anti-steroids public-awareness campaign that included warnings about “Arnolds" if the bastard language was indeed the offspring of Schwarzenegger and the drug use that birthed his bodybuilding and, therefore, his political careers.

Absolutely!

“Arnold being so big—big as far as recognition is concerned—in the bodybuilding community, that’s the term that bodybuilders in Southern California used for steroids,” DEA spokesman Douglas S. Collier told me. “Now, everybody in that community knows what 'juice' is—what 'gym candy,' 'stackers,' and, yes, what 'Arnolds' is. Those are universal now.”

That ain't the greatest legacy for a guy with Schwarzenegger's political ambitions.

But at least it doesn't cost him child support.

After spending years in a shamed self-exile, McGwire's confession came as he sniveled through an interview with Bob Costas for the MLB Network.

While saying he wished he'd never done drugs and wished he'd never played baseball during the steroids era Dead Balls Era™, McGwire also blamed baseball's lack of steroids testing for his decade-long (he says) drug-taking. He said he didn't take a lot of 'roids, and they didn't help his hitting. The forbidden fruit of the day just kept him healthy, McGwire said.

He looked sad and lost. I liked McGwire better when he said under oath that he didn't want to talk about steroids.

Baseball fans in DC sure benefited from his drug taking. During batting practice at RFK Stadium in 1999, before a Cardinals/Expos exhibition game, McGwire hit two balls to the roof. Nobody there, present company included, had ever seen anything like it, because nothing like it had ever taken place. Within a matter of seconds, McGwire had reduced every tape measure shot ever hit there — even the ones Frank Howard hit which are commemorated with painted seats in the upper deck — seem like Texas Leaguers.

I'd never witnessed any athletic feat of any sort quite like McGwire's.

But, as McGwire pointed out yesterday, the drugs didn't put those balls on the roof. Other than, you know, keeping McGwire healthy enough to do it.

I remember watching McGwire after his feats of inhuman strength. He went back behind the batting cage and canoodled with his batting practice guest that day, Goldberg, the pro wrestling champion and a guy who always looked like a fellow synthetic testosterone connoisseur. Wrestlers don't have to cry or apologize for shooting things into their bodies. In any case, McGwire dwarfed Goldberg.

(AFTER THE JUMP: What's this mean for Mike Lupica? Even Thomas Boswell got caught up in the Dead Balls Era™? Another forced Google hit for Dead Balls Era™? Whatever happened to A.J. English? Not Alex English?)

The McGwire interview just continues the pain for Mike Lupica. He's the author of "Summer of '98," a book about the McGwire/Sosa home run duel and how that season enhanced Lupica's relationship with his three sons. From the Publishers Weekly blurb on Lupica's work:

In his columns, Lupica often deals with strikes, the atrocious behavior of some overpaid athletes and all the tawdriness of sports business and hype. But, in this book, he gives himself completely over to the beauty of baseball as both a game and as an agent of bonding between fathers and children.

Amazon has 37 copies available "from $0.01."

Washington Post columnist Tom Boswell, who blasted Jose Canseco for suspected steroid use as far back as the late-1980s, threw away his suspicions and picked up pom poms a decade later.

Here's a bit of his story that ran on Sept. 14, 1998:

Yesterday, baseball produced a moment that, for me, may have been more enjoyable than McGwire's 62nd homer: Sosa hit his 61st and 62nd. Hit them in a crucial game in the wild-card race won, 11-10, by the Cubs in the 10th inning. He hit them at Wrigley Field as the wonderful ivy-addled loonies went nuts. Both balls were crushed at least 480 feet.

Yesterday, Sosa matched McGwire in every way. When Sosa came to the plate with one out, nobody on base and the Cubs trailing by two runs in the ninth, my 11-year-old son Russell was literally jumping up and down in front of the TV.

Big winner yesterday: Barry Bonds. Let the feds try to put him in jail now, with everybody else already outed. He's in, well, the clear. (How slow are the wheels of justice moving in the U.S. vs. Bonds, anyway?)

The court of public opinion, if no other judicial body, has already convicted McGwire's rival Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, and Rafael Palmeiro of using drugs. Since baseball locker rooms are real small and baseball contracts are real big, common sense tells us now that everybody used the so-called performance enhancing drugs.

Now we just have to wait for Cal Ripken to come out and confess to being a P.E.D.-ophile. Just say you took 'em and let us close the book on (here it comes!) the Dead Balls Era™.

***

Where are they now? Well, here's former Bullet AJ English.

A small story on the wires about a Delaware high school basketball game caught my eye.

At the Appoquinimink boys basketball game against Howard on Tuesday evening, junior A.J. English III, who was on the bench in street clothes while serving a suspension, left the court and went into the locker room along with his brother A’Jen, a sophomore starting guard, at the conclusion of the first quarter and neither player returned.

They're sons of AJ English, who the Washington Bullets got with a second round pick in 1990 draft. English had a quiet two year career in the pros — and is remembered in NBA circles only as the guy who was always confused with the far more successful Alex English.

I, for one, still confuse the two. Which is the only reason I read the story. But the part about brothers standing up for each other as the English boys did got me intrigued, and through some Googling it seems AJ III is a hot prospect for Appoquinimink who got in a spot of trouble with the beautifully named basketball Coach, Spencer Dunkley, and that got his former Bullet dad, who goes by A.J. Jr. in these matters, into a tussle with the coach in the local media.

First, after a loss, Appoquinimink coach told the local paper, the Middletown Transcript: “Can't play with them. Can't win with them. Won't play with them. Don't need them. Please put that in the newspaper. Thanks, that's all I have to say."

So the high school beat reporter went to the former Bullet. And got this:

A.J. English Jr. had this to say about Appoquinimink High coach Spencer Dunkley’s quotes after a 62-61 loss to Middletown:

“That doesn’t deserve a response,” A.J. Jr. said. “My maturity level allows me to take the high road on that. Any coach knows you keep that kind of stuff in the lockerroom and out of the newspaper. How can any kid trust him after that?

“He showed his inexperience by making those statements.”

Appo's leading scorer A.J. English III was on the bench as time wound down and his team was down a point.English Jr. said A.J. III was suspended until Monday, Dec. 21 and is uncertain if he'll return.

I do get giggles out of the lengths some parents go to for alliterative kids names, tho. "A'Jen" seems a stretch. Guess "Alex" wasn't on the board.

***

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That's a pair of slippery plastic pieces you strap to the bottom of your shoes like skates and slide around the house in. The spots for these carpet skates run every few minutes on the over-the-air Channel 66.2, a QUBO network affiliate out of Manassas (but get-able to cable-free households in downtown DC with mere rabbit ears).

The tag line: "More fun than socks on a polished wood floor!"

I mean, childhood obesity has to be dealt with, but this is ridiculous. How Fun Slides haven't been parented or lawyered out of existence amazes me.

You can get little Johnny a pair of Fun Slides for just $19.95 plus shipping. But wait! With each purchase you'll get a second order free, plus an instructional DVD with "bonus footage of pro and semi-pro fun sliders getting extreme!"

According to the ad copy, unsafe as they surely are, Fun Slides won the "National Parenting Center's seal of approval" and were named to Dr. Toy's 10 Best Active Products list. (I'm guessing this Dr. Toy would give his blessing to a box of rusty nails so long as the check clears, and that Dr Toy's malpractice insurance premiums are through the roof. And before you let your offspring strap on some Fun Sliders, you might want to inquire where Dr. Toy went to med school.)

I'm not saying I've seen these commercials too many times. But for weeks now I've had this incredible urge to get extreme with a semi-pro Fun Slider. But not a pro.

(AFTER THE JUMP: No Army, but the EagleBank Bowl can still get Bill Cosby? And there's a party? But is it a Gary Clark party? DC RollerGirls lose their voice? DC Divas will sell you a season ticket for $40? Are you listening, Santa? Tiger Woods finally gets caught up in steroids scandal, and brings in that overage, overbuilt swimmer lady with him? Open Letter Tracker™ turns its sights on City Desk?)

***

So the EagleBank Bowl didn't get their men. Army, the squad organizers were hoping to land, lost again to Navy over the weekend to finish 5-7, or one win fewer than the six required for bowl eligibility. So in steps UCLA (6-6) to face Temple (9-3). Temple should be a big draw, having not made a bowl appearance in 30 years.

Call me Nostradoofus: I predict that the day before the bowl, Bill Cosby will be in town doing interviews about the game from Ben's Chili Bowl while wearing a maroon Temple sweatshirt.

On Dec. 29, the day of the game, there'll be a big tailgate party on the RFK Stadium/DC Armory grounds, with buffets and beer and video game contests. So, now that I think about it, things are playing out exactly like Gary Clark said they would. Sort of.

Maybe he's Nostradoofus.

***

Skaters, Cont.: The DC Rollergirls have announced that Derby Diamond Dave, the only P.A. announcer the squad has ever had, will call it quits after this Saturday's Roller Derby Doubleheader at the D.C. Armory.

I've got emails into the team to find out why DDD or anybody would let go of that gig. (Reminds me of the circus joke with the "What? And give up show biz?" punchline.)

The Rollergirls don't get the media coverage of, say, the Redskins, but they have had an influence around town: The other day I saw a gang of kids skating down the street in Petworth wearing old-school side-by-side wheels instead of in-line skates. I hadn't seen that in decades. "Gotta be roller derby!" I said. I believe that!

***

Sticking with girls who don't get enough attention: The DC Divas have announced their 2010 schedule and put tickets on sale just in time for Santa.

The season opens at home April 10 vs. Baltimore. For folks looking for ways to spend the money they will no longer be spending on Redskins season tickets (and who didn't find all the answers in my first charticle), a general admission season pass to all Divas home games will cost you $40, or about as much as you'd pay to park once at Dan Snyder's adjacent stadium on a fall Sunday.

***

The Redskins want Charley Weis?

Well, an unsourced Tweet's good enough to get the ball rolling on a story these days. We've already been through the Skins Want Jon Gruden! chapter, which sounded like hokum from the start but probably helped Gruden get his ESPN extension and more money. And Mike Shanahan's name keeps coming up.

But here at Cheap Seats Daily, we still say Marty Schottenheimers' the only guy who can save Dan Snyder this time around.

Unless Jim Zorn wins out. Boy, would that make things interesting.

***

He who wins last ranks highest. Good Counsel and DeMatha had the same records overall (13-1) and against each other (1-1) this season. DeMatha won the regular season matchup. But GC won the game that counted most, the WCAC Championship, and so takes the top ranking in the Washington Post's final Top 20 football poll.

Interesting tidbit in the story: Good Counsel has lost only three of its last 32 games, all to DeMatha.

Sad tidbit: Another year goes by and not a single D.C. school finishes in the Top 20.

***

It was only a matter of time before the Tiger Woods tale brought out the steroid rumors. From the New York Times:

A Canadian doctor who has treated many N.F.L. players as well as Olympic medalists like Donovan Bailey and the world’s top golfer, Tiger Woods, is under criminal investigation in the United States. He is suspected of providing athletes with performance-enhancing drugs, according to several people who have been briefed on the investigation.

The F.B.I. investigation of Dr. Anthony Galea, a sports medicine specialist who has treated hundreds of professional athletes across many sports, follows his arrest on Oct. 15 in Toronto by the Canadian police. Human growth hormone and Actovegin, a drug extracted from calf’s blood, were found in his medical bag at the United States-Canada border in late September. Using, selling or importing Actovegin is illegal in the United States...

Dr. Galea said Mr. Woods was referred to him by the golfer’s agents at Cleveland-based International Management Group, who were alarmed at the slow pace of Mr. Woods’s rehabilitation after knee surgery in June 2008. The doctor said he flew to Orlando, Fla., at least four times to give Mr. Woods the platelet therapy at his home in Windemere, Fla., in February and March of this year.

When asked for comment about Mr. Woods’s involvement with Dr. Galea, Mark Steinberg, of I.M.G., responded in an e-mail message: “I would really ask that you guys don’t write this? If Tiger is NOT implicated, and won’t be, let’s please give the kid a break.”

Guess the kid's not getting any breaks. I can't believe it took so long for that geezer swimmer lady built like Madonis to be outted.

***

More fallout from Tiger's saga: The outbreak of open letters, a scourge followed obsessively by Cheap Seats Daily since the Woods saga broke, has officially gotten outta control.

Why is it now official? Well, unless I'm mistaken, an "Open Letter to Joe Lieberman" appeared in this very forum earlier this morning.

(BTW: According to Cheap Seats Daily's newfangled and highest-tech feature, Open Letter Tracker™, "Open Letter to Joe Lieberman" gets 88,100 Google hits. That's about 81,000 more hits than "Open Letter to Jesus.")

***

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Bottom line: Cheap Seats Daily's hype of Dim WitsGate™ is validated!

From all the hate going Henson's way on Sunday's postgame shows on local sportstalk stations, I was certain this was going to develop into the biggest Redskins controversy ever generated by an inactive linebacker using new media. Or at least one of the biggest Redskins controversies ever generated by an inactive linebacker using new media.

And now it's on the front page!

Also, it's always nice to see former longtime DC resident the Great Dan Steinberg, the Woodward & Bernstein of Dim WitsGate™, on A1.

(Full disclosure: I still have my 35-year-old "Nixon Resigns" issue of the Washington Post in my paperboy bag in the basement. I'll get 'em out for Halloween. Hence the "-Gate" fetish...)

***

There they go again. Dan Snyder is using his web site to go to war with the Washington Post.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Is Henson being used to take heat off the real Redskins villains? Pravda's Ashburn bureau strikes again? How would you copy-edit multiple Twitters? Leonard Shapiro now using out-of-town newspapers to blast Dan Snyder? The NFL's blackout policy is as big a sham as the Skins waiting list?)

"Robert Henson did not get on the field on Sunday," read the faux news article written by Skins PR man Gary Fitzgerald and posted yesterday on Redskins.com, "but somehow he’s the talk of the town and strangely enough he’s a big headline in The Washington Post...Henson’s apologies on Twitter and in his Monday media session–as well as Zorn's comments on the young linebacker–were not fully included in a Tuesday story in The Washington Post. The article focused more on the mistake and not the contrition."

I pity the tool who had to put a byline on that.

If the organization hadn't already proven it can't do anything right PR-wise, I'd be wondering if this whole Post-bashing exercise wasn't a ploy to deflect the media's attention away from Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, Jason Campbell, Vinny Cerrato, and the parking and tailgating fiasco at FedExField.

They'd all be getting more play, and taking a bigger beating, if Henson wasn't all thumbs.

***

For those not obsessed with the Redskins off-field soap opera, Steinberg's A1 story had an interesting copy-editing situation, if that ain't oxymoronical. Here's how some of Robert Henson's Twitter ramblings appeared in the Post:

"No I didn't play but I still made more than you in a year and you'd [gladly] switch spots with me in a second," Henson wrote during a string of responses. "I was talking to the fans [who] said the crazy stuff, I'm use [to heckling] but I've never been booed in my own stadium. Again that was for the half hearted but if everyone wants to jump in come on. The question is who are you to say you know what's best for the team and you work 9 to 5 at Mcdonalds [sic]. You don't wanna follow me anymore then fine but we play for you and win lose or draw we represent you!! My guy on the Rams said they never got booed even when they didn't win a game."

That paragraph was made up of more than one of Henson's Twitters, yet was treated as a single quote.

I've never come across this situation before, and I'm guessing AP Style hasn't yet weighed in on how to treat multiple Twitters. So this is a time for Post copy editors to leave a lasting mark on their craft. I'm going to have to stare at my WWABD bracelet ("What Would Andrew Beaujon Do?") before I decide if this is correct copyediting or not.

***

Leonard Shapiro had to go to Miami to run this story blasting Dan Snyder as the worst owner in the NFL. I can't find it locally. Why didn't the Washington Post run it?

***

Now that everybody but the crazies accepts that Dan Snyder's season tickets waiting list is bogus and has been bogus for years, I wish somebody would expose the NFL's blackout policy as a similar fraud.

All you need to know: The Skins home games ain't sold out — the team was selling general admission tickets for the Rams game through email blasts all week — yet the games are on TV.

Case closed. Shut up.

Obviously, the NFL owners have as much motivation to enforce the blackout rule as they do to enforce the steroids prohibition.

Oh, right: Only baseball players and cyclists are dopers!

***

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Sports leagues, like romantic relationships, can't survive taking a break. Last year AFL owners thought they were different, announcing that while they'd be spending the 2009 season apart, they weren't breaking up.

Again: Just need some space. Just taking some time off from each other before getting back together.

Well, this week, several AFL owners leaked to the press the date that they'll be getting back together: The 12th....OF NEVER!

The AFL is dead.

The disbanding means, alas, Dan Snyder won't ever bring us the AFL team he promised back in 1999.

(AFTER THE JUMP: MMA is the next arena football? How many Redskins blogs are out there? Dan Steinberg marvels at whose muscles? The Washington Times toasts Bruce Smith? Michael Vick is partying where? The Nats are still playing?)

Snyder bought the DC franchise rights for the AFL shortly after taking over the Redskins. He said back then that he was going to name the indoor team the Warriors, and registered trademarks for that name and for an arrow-and-feather logo and helmet design.

Then Snyder never made any move toward putting that team together.

At the time, I figured Snyder only registered the marks because it looked like he could lose federal trademark protections on "Redskins" for being racist, and he wanted a fall-back name ready.

All these years later, I still agree with myself. Guess we'll never know what his real intentions were.

No official announcement of the league's disbanding has yet appeared on the AFL's web site.

However, the league's "Mission Statement" is still prominently placed:

“To serve our community with pride and passion as a quality example of individual and team excellence on the field, in the office, at the arena and within the community by consistently exceeding our customers’ expectations by demonstrating the highest character, appreciation and respect for our game, customers, teammates and partners as a cost-effective and visionary organization providing a total entertainment experience.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Among the few things I can think of more boring than reading the AFL Mission Statement is watching an arena football game.

Columnist Ray Ratto takes the indoor football and runs with it. Ratto links indoor football with Twitter, and says UFC is the next AFL.

I agree.

***

In case you missed it: Dan Snyder's SIX Flags lost another $121 million-plus change this spring. Who's to blame? God, government, Mother Nature, Swine Flu, Jesus' death, and minimum wage employees, say Dan Snyder and Six Flags co-captain Mark Shapiro.

And so what if Six Flags is in the toilet? Dan Snyder just wants to win, dammit!

***

The Great Dan Steinberg marvels at the big muscles the Redskins have. Thank goodness the NFL has been so out-front in the drug testing realm, so that I and other media types, not to mention all football fans, don't have to waste a single second wondering whether ANY of these behemoths achieved this unnatural looking state through any means other than just eating real good and throwing lots of steel!

Way to keep it clean, NFL! Just say no, kids!

***

The Michael Vick Watch goes on off the football field, too. An event called the "Michael Vick Community Celebration" scheduled for this weekend in his hometown of Newport News, Va., was cancelled because, organizers said, Vick had to be in Atlanta for a Humane Society event.

But then no animal rights types in Atlanta would confirm that Vick is supposed to be there, either.

The big questions: What sort of creeps would organize a Vick "celebration" now? Who can even be near the guy and look at him without thinking, "Yucky!"?

***

Speaking of troubled Tidewater athletes: Real odd story in the Washington Times with longtime football writer Dave Elfin working mightily to try to rehab Bruce Smith's image just after the Hokie/Bill/Redskin's conviction on a third DUI arrest in 12 years.

The city of Virginia Beach cancelled a party that was going to celebrate Smith's induction to the Hall of Fame because of his drinking and driving problems.

Elfin argues that for a guy with three DUI arrests he's great with kids, and a great businessman, too, for a guy with three DUI arrests.

"If I hadn't done what I did on the football field," Smith  says of his buying things for an old football coach in his hometown, "I wouldn't have been afforded the opportunity to give back in such a fashion."

Well, there's that, Bruce, plus: you'd be in jail now.

***

The blog DC Pro Sports Report has a compendium of all the Redskins sites out there. Good god, you won't believe how many there are.

***

Nats have a six-run eighth and beat Florida, 6-4. Greatest comeback win of the season! Three-game winning streak!

Uh, oh! This just in: Until further notice, it's still football season! Just as things were getting exciting! Darn!

***

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Lalich transferred to Oregon as soon as his run in Charlottesville went to hell, and, because of some weird quirk having something to do with his new school being on a quarter system and not semesters, he'll be eligible to play this season.

If the punishment schedule announced last year still holds, Lalich should get his drivers license back this week from Virginia authorities. It makes sense that Lalich would be on a practice field this time of year, but... Why isn't he in Oregon?

***

Another formerly local athlete in some legal heat, and not dealing real well with it: Antonio Pierce, the ex-Redskins linebacker turned Giant person of interest in the Plaxico Burress thigh blast case, is making enemies with his tweets.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Examiner column calls out Duds? Godly folks are coming after the racist Redskins? Who says Cal Ripken and/or Eddie Murray were juiced? FedExField also sucks for things other than football games? Jeremy Mayfield called his stepmomma THAT? Van Pelt goes for big bucks, but Czarniak goes bid-less?)

After testifying before a grand jury, Pierce, who could face weapons charges of his own, twatted: "sometimes u have to Draw a line in the Stand and see what side PEOPLE are on.. Well damn heres the Line!!...A coward dies many deaths but a soldier only dies ONCE!!"

Let others say Pierce's behavior here is off — The New York Post called him "Tweet-le Dum Dum" — but he had me at "line in the Stand"...

***

John Keim at the Examiner has a nice addition to his paper's Skins coverage: the "Studs and Duds" column. At the end of each day of practice, Keim calls out folks who make plays, and those who mistakes. Sure, it's impossible to watch everything that goes on during workouts, so Keim misses at least half the big plays and half the, well, duds. But call-out columns make things interesting. If a guy screws up in practice, why not write about it? Don't say he's mean to his mother or he's a dog killer (unless it's, well, you know) ! Just say he blew this or that. I read every day.

***

The roots don't get any grassier: A religious group in Delaware has made changing the name of the Redskins a top priority. The Peninsula-Delaware Conference of the United Methodist Church, which represents 464 churches and claims about 100,000 congregants, has stopped using FedEx's package delivery services becuase that company is a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins. There are tentative plans to hold rallies at Redskins games this season, also. The team's name is "racially demeaning," church leaders explained in announcing the FedEx boycott. I always love to hear folks argue the other side of this issue, since, well, there isn't another side.

***

'Course, the racist team name isn't the only reason some folks stay away from FedExField. In fact, FedExField all by itself gives more fans the motivation to stay home. Venue-related problems during Paul McCartney's appearance on Saturday added to the stadium's shitty legend.

Real Madrid shows up this weekend!

***

Road to Ripken™ Update: ESPN quoted Jose Canseco, the Deep Throat of the Dead Balls Era, as saying that the Hall of Fame has at least one P.E.D.-ophile.

Canseco didn't drop the name, however.

We know by now that everything Canseco says is proven true after a brief delay. So who slipped through the cracks at Cooperstown? A blog post about Canseco's statements at USA Today's website generated more guesses about famous former Orioles — Eddie Murray and Cal Ripken, specifically — than those from any other team.

So, come on, Cal. Confess. Say you used 'roids. Even if you didn't. Then we can all move on. The game needs you!

***

Feeling sorry for yourself? Yeah, me too!

So, together let's mull the State of Jeremy Mayfield. First NASCAR kicked him off the track for allegedly testing positive for methamphetamine after a race in Richmond. Then he went public saying he'd ever used the drug. Must be cold medicine, he said. Then NASCAR said "Oh Really?" and released the results of ANOTHER recent test where Mayfield's pee pee was allegedly tainted. He's still claiming a frame job, but he's done on the track. And now his stepmother has sued him for saying, "She's basically a whore. She shot and killed my dad."

I'm no F. Lee Bailey, but I think his "basically"'s like my"allegedly" here.

***

Bobblehead Update: The Scott Van Pelt bobblehead twins, from a Bowie Baysox giveaway, just sold for $88 plus postage on eBay. The auction of Lindsay Czarniak's 'head, a 2008 Baysox freebie, ends today at around 11:30 a.m. The creepy vendor is asking about $70. So far, alas, Czarniak has gotten no bids.

***

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And I forced it on people.

I put "Dead Balls Era" in print again and again and again and again. I'd search the web every so often, only to get the bad news that nobody was adopting my brainchild. In December 2007, nearly three years after I'd started lobbying for my phrase to become the official name of the all-steroids, all-the-time time in the National Pastime, "Dead Balls Era" was getting nine hits on Google.

NINE!

And all but one of them was either a link to something I'd written for Washington City Paper or a mistakenly pluralized stab at "Dead Ball Era," an accepted tag for major league baseball from the turn of the last century til when Babe Ruth made ladies love the long ball ("Dead Ball Era" is, I hope obviously, the inspiration for my, you know, cunning pun.)

But I never gave up hope that some day, some way.....

And then today, during another Googling expedition, I found this on a message board: "Given the effects of steroids on male body chemistry, we should call this the 'Dead Balls Era.'"

This comment came in a thread from May 28, 2009, that was originally about whether a game record or career record is more prestigious, but soon morphed into a discussion of the state of baseball. And the writer who typed that familiar-to-me-and-me-alone phrase was also the site administrator of the message board.

That would be Ken Jennings.

He's the guy who won $3,022,700 playing Jeopardy!, making him the greatest game-show contestant in world history.

What I'm getting at here, people, is this: KEN JENNINGS THINKS "DEAD BALLS ERA" IS CLEVER!

I don't care if he stole it or he made it up on his own.

KEN JENNINGS THINKS "DEAD BALLS ERA" IS CLEVER!

This guy's a genius! So...what does that make me?

In any case, thanks to Ken's addition, "Dead Balls Era" is up to 27 Google hits.

Sally Jenkins rides with Lance Armstrong again this morning. Jenkins, who has written several books with Armstrong, references the druggie rumors more here than in the scads of her previous columns on the most accused drug cheat in the history of sport.

"It's what [Armstrong's] whole comeback is all about really," writes Jenkins, "coming face to face with things, especially the doubters. 'Am I doping now?' his body language seems to say."

And the world, in all sorts of languages, seems to be answering: "Hell, yes, you're doping!" That March incident, where Armstrong stalled French drug testers who'd surprised him as he trained for the Tour de France and asked for urine samples, crushed the odds that the comeback would change anybody's mind. By now Armstrong has the same chance of clearing his name as Michael Jackson.

Dirty pee or not, Armstrong's amazing, ain't he? To paraprahase the old lady in the diner in "Sleepless in Seattle" "When Harry Met Sally": I'll have what he's having.

***

Joel Hanrahan got his first win as a National yesterday, a week after he joined the Pittsburgh Pirates.

AFTER THE JUMP: Chico Harlan lights up the Nats? The Hogettes aren't dead, just broke? Do the Baysox fear the ACLU after MattWietersCollectibleFigurineNightGate™?

This oddball occurrence came as the Nats won a game in Houston that began on May 5 at Nationals Park, but was suspended in the bottom of the 11th inning because of rain. The final score: 11-10.

Since the Astros weren't scheduled to visit DC again this season, the suspended game was completed on Houston's home field, with the Nats technically the home team. Hanrahan was the Nats pitcher of record when the game left off on May 5, and since Washington scored the winning run yesterday without having to take the field again, he was still the pitcher of record when the game ended and gets credit for the victory.

Got it? Me neither.

What I do get, however: Hanrahan clearly has no practice winning. He told reporters in Pittsburgh that he was glad to get the win and "to see the Nationals get another victory in the win column."

Alas, the Nationals are still first in the majors in victories in the loss column — in no small part because of Hanrahan's horrificness when he wore the uniform.

***

Awesome Trivia from the early game: The Nats are the first team to have a walk-off win as visitors since 1975, when the Yankees beat the Twins in a game that started in New York and ended  in Minneapolis.

***

Normalcy returned in the regularly scheduled nightcap in Houston, as the Nats were routed, 9-4. Chico Harlan's game story in the Washington Post was beautiful and brutal. Harlan reiterated Christian Guzman's and Adam Dunn's shortcomings with a glove (Dunn has "all the outfield range of an oak tree") and got Manny Acta to sound very defensive when defending his defense. "It is what it is," Acta told Harlan. "I don't know why you keep bringing that up."

Keep bringing it up, Chico!

***

As reported in this very space every hour on the hour, the Bowie Baysox have decided not to restrict civil liberties during Scott Van Pelt Bobblehead Night on July 26. To recap, again: Team management had been burned by bobblehead hoarders during Lindsay Czarniak and Pat Sajak giveaways, so they decided to go all Mussolini on their own patrons when it came time for Matt Wieters Collectible Figurine Night a few weeks ago. Folks who showed up for the Wieters event were told that they could have one figuring no matter how many tickets they purchased, and that to get that one figurine they had to come into the stadium and abide by a "No exit!" policy until all the faux Wieters were given away.

As asserted every hour on the hour, Cheap Seats Daily is totally against restrictions of civil liberties — except those that punish bobblehead hoarders. We love those! So there was considerable angst in this space when Bowie management revoked the No Exit! edict for Scott Van Pelt Bobblehead night, thereby opening the door for the grown up weirdos to load up their plastic bags with mini-Van Pelts and deprive little kids of canoodling with the hairless and club-wielding and downright creepy looking dolls fashioned after the ESPN host.

But, disappointed as we are by Bowie's backtracking, recent legal actions involving the Yankees explain the decision. Simply, the Baysox don't want the American Civil Liberties Union on their ass. I think those fears are unfounded.

Sure, the ACLU has in the past supported NAMBLA and Ollie North — but could the group in good conscious take up for....BOBBLEHEAD HOARDERS?

***

The Hogettes (yes, apparently the guys are still at it) are panhandling for sponsors. Why don't they do another Ford commercial?

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

That's essentially what Pro Football Talk is saying. According to the site, La Canfora has been hired away from the Washington Post by the NFL Network, the future cable powerhouse owned by the NFL, which is run by the NFL owners, none brasher than Snyder.

On some levels, the departure was inevitable. La Canfora was good enough at his job, as the Post's Skins beat writer and the force behind Redskins Insider, the paper's most popular sports blog, to cause the Skins organization to launch a campaign against him. Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com, his media mouthpiece, Larry Michael, and his, well, everything else, Vinny Cerrato, all went crazy trying to attack La Canfora.

Michael had "The Sourcerer," a silly feature used on a Skins cable TV show to belittle everything La Canfora wrote. And then things got really ugly when Snyder gave Cerrato, who would "no comment" every question from La Canfora for his Post stories, a radio show on the sports station he owns, WTEM. Cerrato railed against the beat writer as soon as he got on the air.

The lowpoint of the feud came with Cerrato and Michael accusing La Canfora of tattling to the NFL in hopes of getting the league to launch a tampering investigation of the Redskins. (Tampering? Snyder?)

La Canfora fought ugliness with ugliness, calling Cerrato a liar and mocking the organization in emails to detractors. As predicted in this space many times, the beat wasn't big enough for both Cerrato and La Canfora to stay on another season.

Cerrato kept his football job, though the radio gig was such a disaster it can't come back. So it's La Canfora heading off, leaving writing for talking, as all typists aspire to do.

But, working for Snyder?

Aw, what the heck? That's the eventual fate of us all.

***

Speaking of tampering: An odd story out of Nashville holds that the Titans ARE NOT behind the much-discussed tampering investigation of the Redskins.

Ever since Snyder signed Albert Haynesworth, there's been grumbling from the Titans that the Redskins had opened negotiations with the run-stopping, pass-rushing behemoth before the free agent signing period opened on Feb. 27.

That's a no-no, punishable by the loss of draft picks. But now, amid all sorts of talk that the NFL is interviewing suspected tamperers at Redskins Park, the Nashville City Paper is reporting that the Titans never "filed a written formal complaint," and that the team doesn't want to be seen as vindictive after losing Haynesworth.

So, if nobody from the Titans kickstarted this whole Redskins inquiry, who did? Who would have enough animus against Snyder's organization to try to cause big trouble for the burgundy and gold?

Hmmmm. Let's pin it on Jason La Canfora!

***

Yesterday, the Dallas Cowboys had a ribbon cutting ceremony for their new billion-dollar-plus stadium yesterday.

At least $350 million of the stadium's cost came from public moneys.

Your move, Dan Snyder!

(If I had the funds lying around, I'd chip in another $350 million for the Cowboys new home so long as they promised that the move meant we'd never again have to watch Clint Longley highlights on Thanksgiving from the old place.)

***

Here's what big talk gets you: Bigger bond!

The guy who allegedly told investigators in Florida that he'd sold steroids to Caps and Nats, Richard "Andy" Thomas, found out yesterday that his bond had been nearly doubled, up to $425,000.

(It's great to see bonds and steroids discussed in the same paragraphs again, ain't it? Just like old times!)

Apparently, Thomas has said he was drawn to PEDs so he could "be like Arnold" Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger doesn't get enough credit for being the godfather of steroid abuse in this country.

Other than from the White House and City Paper, anyway.

No names of Caps or Nats players that Thomas allegedly sold the drugs to have yet been released.

Speaking of names: How do you get "Andy" out of Richard? Sounds totally like a "Don't call me 'Dick!'" move. Dick's totally out of vogue, you know.

***

Joe Biden is the Anti-Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Vice presidents get accused of falsely taking credit for big things even when they don't.

Maybe that's why, hot as the topic is these days, Biden never mentions that he led the way to having steroids made illegal in this country.

But, hell if he didn't: In May 1989, back when he chaired the Senate Judiciary Committee, Biden called a hearing about the use of steroids in the NFL. According to a Washington Post report on the hearing, Atlanta Falcons guard Bill Fralic told the committee that "approximately 75 percent" of all "linemen, linebackers and tight ends" in the league used steroids. NFL czar Pete Rozelle testified at the same hearing that random testing detected that only "6 to 7 percent" of players were juiced, but Biden said he "would have trouble not believing Fralic."

Biden had sponsored S.1829, a Senate bill making steroids a controlled substance, in the 100th congress, and, according to the vice president's office, later wrote the Senate version of a House bill that outlawed possession of the drugs.

Again: Biden is the anti-Arnold!

(Full disclosure: I occasionally play in a really bad band with people who work for the vice president. We could use some performance enhancers.)

***

Because polls are the future, the folks at wizardsextreme.com, a fan site for our Wiz, are asking readers to vote on their all-time favorite Wizards/Bullets player for every jersey number. Though participation has been less than spotty, and current team members are doing far too well in the votes, it's a fun concept and a good excuse for a trip down memory lane. Currently, #5 is up, and Juwan Howard, who was basically run out of town, is winning big. Kwame Brown, also run out of town, has zero votes.

The first poll, over #0, of course went to Gilbert Arenas in a romp. Kevin Duckworth, despite his recent death, got zero votes.

***

Few things make me madder than a spelling bee being treated like a sport. But that's our lot, now that software has rendered the required skill less useful than Betamax repair. Even the best sports blogger of our age has fallen for this scam.

Obviously, spelling's only been given sports status to provide cheap programming for ESPN.

Step up and pay the athletes, ESPN!

Out of protest, I'm canceling my regular Friday lunch with the best sports blogger of our age today. Well, out of protest and because I'm going away for a while...

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com.

That leaves anyone the Washington Times has so far got on the horn to speculate. Officially, of course, there's no comment other than, "We'll get to the bottom of this."

But Caps enforcer Donald Brashear has weighed in: "We get tested two, three times a year and there's never been anybody who's tested positive....Was [Thomas] supplying this year? Was it a few years ago when there was no testing...to tell you the truth, if there was, I didn't know. There's no sign of anybody I know who used steroids."

Former Cap and current Panther Steve Eminger is similarly incredulous his former teammates doped up. "No, never, not once—[steroids were] never talked about once...I don't know, you see guys. Guys aren't extremely ripped or anything."

So who's got the Florida hookup then?

Tejada lied about buying HGH. But he stated that he had misgivings about using the performance enhancer and threw out the drugs. Prosecutors don't have enough evidence showing that he actually used the drug. So he just lied about buying them.

The Post writes:

"Although not charged with taking performance-enhancing drugs or lying about using them, Tejada nevertheless becomes the latest prominent major leaguer to become ensnared in the steroids scandal hammering baseball."

One interesting note, Tejada's attorney is Mark Tuohey. He's investigated the D.C. Police Department with very mixed results. He's done some lobbying for then-Chief Charles Ramsey. And was a huge baseball booster.

In the sales pitch on his personal Web site, Canseco points out that "Only two players have been able to accomplish this since, Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds."

Quite a club. Canseco, Rodriguez and Bonds will someday be viewed as the Murderers Row of the Dead Balls Era™. (Get used to it!)

Perhaps these items have been on sale for some time, or Canseco's not a student of the game: Ex-Nat Alfonso Soriano pledged the 40/40 frat in 2006.

BTW: The asking price for Canseco's detritus is $9,995.00.