Bill Veeck

Here's the email, misspellings and all, that the Senators blasted to fans last night:

"Mark your calenders! Back by popular demand, the cowboy monkeys are at Metro Bank Park on Thursday, Sept. 1 (7:00)! They were so popular the first time around we thought we'd give you another chance to see them! Get your tickets today! Oh, and we'll have Strasburg pitching!"

Stephen Strasburg in a cozy ballpark? That's OK.

But monkeys on dogback?

Now THAT's entertainment.

Singletown U.S.A.: People complain enough about dating in D.C. that new statistics are enough to make you wonder whether anyone anywhere in the nation is having any luck—the District turns out to have the most favorable ratio of women to men (for women) anywhere in the country, and it's been rated in the top 10 cities for single men and women by a Rent.com survey. Apparently a low divorce rate worked in the District's favor in the rankings, though it's not clear how that actually helps single people find partners. +2

Go Take A Walk: And now, time for another installment of arbitrary national rankings! (Besides the installment above, that is.) Today's edition comes courtesy of Walk Score, which ranked the District the seventh-most-walkable city in the nation. New York, San Francisco, Boston, Chicago, Seattle, and Philadelphia beat us. No city, not even New York, got the highest possible rating in the scores. Time for some grade inflation? +2

And The Heat Goes On: Weather records are falling so fast lately, it's barely even worth writing them down. No new record was set today here, but with a high of over 90, it became the 43rd such day of the summer—which already puts 2011 in the top 20 percent of hottest summers by that mark, and leaves the current year only six 90+ days from breaking the record of 49, set... last summer. Tomorrow's expected to be over 90, too. Climate change sure is delightful! -3

Strasburgmania II: It's not every day that a Hagerstown Suns game makes the front page of The Washington Post; after all, the team plays in the lowest rung of the minor leagues, A ball, and its stadium is 66 miles from downtown D.C. But when Stephen Strasburg shows up at Municipal Stadium to pitch his first competitive game since last summer's elbow surgery, it's news—and not just because, it being August, there's not much else going on. The Nationals star only faced eight batters, going less than two innings in his first rehab start; his fastball was clocked at over 96 miles per hour, though, which is a good sign. So far, at least, there's no Strasburg Suns memorabilia showing up on eBay. +2

Friday's Needle rating: 53 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 56

Once again: Everything you need to know about D.C. sports this year you could have learned in grammar school.

A while back it occurred to me that the two biggest local sports stories of the summer, Stephen Strasburg and Albert Haynesworth, were starting to resemble "The Tortoise and the Hare."

Strasburg had people asking if he was the most popular athlete in town after his first start. Even accountants agreed the record contract he got from the team looked like a bargain.

Haynesworth, meanwhile, had folks wondering most of the summer if he was the most despised man in these parts, with a series of disclosures that he didn't want to do this or that that the Redskins wanted no matter how much money he was guaranteed, and then we were told that he was in no shape to do this or that even if he wanted to.

But, then Strasburg's condition faltered, and he began leaving fans feeling ripped off by no-showing for scheduled events; and Haynesworth got through his shuttle runs and crept back onto the field for third-team duty despite some blood ailment rare and weird enough to show up in a "House" script.

Then on Friday, the Tortoise and Hare denoument really took shape. The Nationals announced Strasburg's season was over, and that he was done for at least a year, maybe more. Hours later,  Haynesworth worked with the first team defense in the Meadowlands for the Redskins' last exhibition game that mattered.

Looks like he'll be in the starting lineup after all come Opening Night.

Given how the situation was for Strasburg and Haynesworth just a few months ago, who woulda guessed things would work out like this for these two competitors?

Anybody who paid attention in second grade, I guess.

Suffragette City: Members of the League of Women Voters join forces with the Association of the Oldest Inhabitants of D.C. to demand voting rights for the District on the 90th anniversary of the certification of the 19th Amendment, which granted the right to vote to women—as long as they don't live in D.C., of course, in which case they wouldn't get the right to vote for president until 1961 and the right to elect a voting member of Congress until... well, sometime after Aug. 26, 2010. The protest involved Victorian costumes, parasols and, most likely, some bemused tourists. Too bad they cleared out before the Glenn Beck rally on Saturday, or things could have gotten lively! +3

9:30 Club Diversifies: Once upon a time, rock and roll bands would dream of getting a record deal, so they could lay down an album and hit the road promoting it in clubs all around the country. Those days are over. The 9:30 Club is launching its own label, since now, bands make most of their money touring and the population of law-abiding citizens willing to actually pay for records is dwindling. (For that matter, the "records" are mostly downloaded, anyway.) If all goes well, someday down the line hipsters still yet to be born will lord it over their less-cool friends that they bought 9:30 Club records back before they moved into a fancy new office. Doesn't quite have the same ring as reminiscing about pillars in the middle of the floor, though, does it? +3

Metrobus Panopticon: The next time a Metrobus driver leaves his post to punch out McGruff the Crime Dog, it'll all be caught on video. Metro will install cameras on 1,500 buses to keep an eye on drivers, recording audio and video, provided by a San Diego-based firm with a name that sounds like it was designed by committee: DriveCam. The idea is for the transit agency to have a better sense of what goes wrong in accidents. Lest you protest that this is an invasive expansion of surveillance, don't worry—Metro already records the passenger area on many buses. TV news stations around the area rejoice, cheered at the prospect of having better B-roll when, inevitably, a bus runs over a pedestrian sometime soon. -2

D.C. Justice for the Rocket: Okay, Stephen Strasburg is on the DL, probably done for the year. But another famous pitcher will soon be spending a lot of time in the District—and his prognosis may not be as good. A federal judge has scheduled Roger Clemens' arraignment on perjury and obstruction of Congress charges for Monday afternoon in the federal courthouse on Constitution Avenue NW. Trial should start by next spring. No word on whether, like at the ballpark, Ben's Chili Bowl will be available for spectators. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 36 Today's score: +6 Today's Needle rating: 42

I blame management. Strasburg drew 40,043 to Nationals Park on a weekday night a month ago. That's a huge turnout for a lousy team. But when Strasburg told coaches that he was having trouble getting loose before the game, he was scratched. And fans booed.

Obviously, there's nothing wrong with yanking the young pitcher if he's wounded. But Nats management, following baseball tradition where starts are really just scheduled and not guaranteed, didn't take any steps to appease the boo-birds. No refunds, no free popcorn, no nothing.

Cheap Seats Daily insinuated that the team should have given disgruntled fans their money back or taken some step to mollify the masses. Baseball tradition doesn't offer clues on how to deal with Strasburg. The team and its flagship TV network, MASN, had promoted Strasburg's expected start for days before the Braves game like nothing in the history of baseball.

To my thinking, had the event been as aggressively billed as Stephen Strasburg Bobblehead Night, and fans expecting a bobblehead were told when they arrived that the dolls were unavailable, surely refunds would have been offered.

Both my readers hammered me for taking the refund position. But now, with two average crowds showing up for his last two starts, it seems pretty plain that that canceled start, and management's failure to do anything nice for the new fans who'd jumped on the Strasburg bandwagon, had its consequences. At the very least, it's killed off all prospecting among ticket buyers.

I hear vindication for my stance in the quieted turnstiles.

Everything I need to know about D.C. sports in the summer of 2010 I learned from "Tortoise and the Hare."

The lead players in the two biggest sports dramas in the market are exchanging roles.

Stephen Strasburg's physical condition became a big question mark out of nowhere. Now he's leaving games early, and leaving fans to wonder how long before his handlers shut him down.

This just as Mike Shanahan is telling Redskins fans that Albert Haynesworth "looked pretty good" and that he wants him to play "all 16 games."

Could it possibly turn out that Haynesworth, not Strasburg, is the guy who ends up earning his keep, record guaranteed bonus money and all, this season?

Spoiler alert: From what I remember of first grade, the real slow wide dude comes out ahead.

Fans booed at Nationals Park

Batista delivered a line as well as Strasburg would have: Five innings, no runs, three hits, six Ks.

I wasn't there in person and hadn't paid for a ticket. I was "watching" the game on MLB.com's amazing "Gameday" set-up when Strasburg wouldn't be in the cast. But I was right there with the boo birds. I hadn't had that sinking feeling since finding out Fantasia sat out a night of "The Color Purple" and Saycon Sengbloh was foisted on the fans.

The musical's producer, Oprah Winfrey, offered refunds in Fantasia's absence. That's entertainment. The Nats do not give money back if the star doesn't perform.

'Course, "inflammation in the shoulder" was pegged for Strasburg's absence; Fantasia benched herself because her boyfriend was in town. But still...

The Nats ran commercials on MASN for days leading up to the Atlanta game that Strasburg was going to pitch. If you're going to promote a guy like he's in the lead role, and a standby fills in, shouldn't folks get their money back?

The Great Dan Steinberg™ delivered some great Web TV earlier this week. He Steinographed™ an episode of Nationals’ broadcasters Ray Knight and Rob Dibble Playing the Feud™ on MASN after Stephen Strasburg’s™ last outing.

Knight had offered counsel to the young superstar – he’s got to learn to throw balls when he’s way ahead in the count, Knight said – and Dibble took it hard that somebody dared not just say how great Strasburg was after his 1-0 loss to the Royals.

Dibble and Knight both jumped into their wayback machines and trotted out personal postseason laurels. While Knight kept his cool, Dibble couldn't hide how hot and bothered he was.

And with good reason! Everybody else in the MASN booths was wearing golf shirts appropriate for a day when the temperatures hit numbers as high as Strasburg’s fastball. But Dibble was sporting a long sleeve number more fitting for a fall football game.

Why such a silly blouse? Tattoos. Lots and lots of tattoos. All over his body. Where the sun don't ever shine, even.

Dibble, to cultivate an image appropriate for a guy who used to be known as a Nasty Boy, got himself all inked up over the years. He covers up the, um, artwork when he goes on air. So he was wearing a bail of cotton on a day when wifebeaters would have been the coziest garb choice.

‘Course, if everybody got as cozy as the heat warranted, we would not only have seen Dibble's Ichiro-on-the-ass ink (written up again today by LarryBrownSports.com), we would have glimpsed those flaming barbed wire ring tatts that  The Great Johnny Holliday got around both biceps to celebrate being named the Best Sports Broadcaster in D.C. history.

OK OK OK. Holliday hasn't really marked himself up. Yet! 

photos courtesy of DC Sports Bog and LarryBrownSports.com

Sportstalker WJFK launched a new Nats' postgame show yesterday, following Stephen Strasburg's second start and win. The station doesn't air Nats' games — WFED 1500-AM is the team's flagship and already has its own postgame program. So the midseason debut is yet more evidence of the momentousness of Strasburg's arrival.

The WJFK show is being billed by the station as the "Unofficial Nats Postgame Show." WJFK positioned itself as a similarly unsanctioned news source during the last football season. The guerillaesque pitch for football hit home, since WJFK was new and going head-to-head with WTEM, the station owned by Redskins owner and serial infomercial producer Dan Snyder. So "unofficial" was a code word for "not bought and paid for."

WJFK hosts Scott Jackson and Grant Paulsen constantly gave out the phone number, but there didn't seem to be a whole lot of callers when I was listening. So the airwaves were filled with Paulsen's rundown of the future Nats role players now playing in the minors. The dude knows a lot of names and numbers. But as much as we really like Strasburg around here, we ain't that much of a baseball town yet.

But we ain't the Redskins-only town we once were, either. The market's changing. The Nats already have Strasburg and then Bryce Harper coming up behind him. Ted Leonsis announced last week that every Caps game is already sold out for next season. His new team, the Wizards, have the top pick, and they can now sell fans on Leonsis AND John Wall.

Yet the biggest Redskins story, heading into the first mandatory minicamp next weekend, remains Albert Haynesworth's whereabouts. We're tired of that. Just to keep his team in the conversation like it was in the days BJ (Before Jeezus), Snyder has to buy airtime.

So Snyder did just that on WRC-4 on Saturday, using his "broadcast partner" to show "Igniting the Burgundy and Gold," a silly piece of fluff that claimed to be a review of the Skins 2009 season.

Stalin could learn a few things about purging history from whoever put this docu-fluff together.

Again, this was billed as a retrospective of the last season. Yet there was no mention or shots of deposed coach Jim Zorn, but plenty of Mike Shanahan, who wasn't hired until after the Skins had lost their 12th game. There was no mention of Vinny Cerrato, either. But lots and lots of his replacement, Bruce Allen.

Oh, the losing got left on the cutting room floor in "Igniting the Burgundy and Gold," too.

But even with the new faces, Snyder is struggling like never before to move tickets. How else to explain the fan reports saying Snyder has sent new GM Bruce Allen to oversee meet and greets at marketing gatherings at FedExField these days. Apparently, the GM works the room before Snyder's salespeople swarm in and try to sell off premium seats. This even with the new scoreboard eliminating whole sections of seats on the Joe Gibbs Level of the stadium.

Wonder if Allen knew he was also going to be Snyder's official TupperWare party host when he took the job here.

He's made everybody happy! Almost.

The only discord I can detect comes with his nickname. He's "Jeezus." The Great Dan Steinberg used the handle in digital print in the hours after the First Coming of Strasburg. (Technically, I guess our new #37 is only the Nats' Third Coming, if you count Jesuses Flores and Colome.)

Here's what Steinberg wrote:

And by the end of the game, mobs of people stuck around to cheer Strasburg as he did his TV interviews on the field. Yet again, they chanted his name. And one fan flashed this poster:"Welcome Jeezus!" Don't think I could say it better than that.

Years ago, I concluded that every good Internet thread ends with cancer or the Jews. Well, let's just say this one didn't end with cancer.

Steinberg's blurb got the commenters fired up. A Bog reader using the nom de douchery washingtoncapsblog took the clown crown. He/She/It ignited things with the following fightin' words:

"If your folk liked 'Jeezus', He would have never been crucified, and Christianity and Judaism would be a single religion today...After all, it's not like you hide it from any of us, going back to your tweets around the time of this year's Passover.

Kateg1 followed up with: "I wish others wouldn't [call Stras 'Jeezus'] but it's their right. It's also my right to think less of this reporter for endorsing the nickname."

As hellfire engulfed the Bog, washingtoncapsblog returned to the scene of the grime to add some unironic hilarity: "I didn't mean anything offensive with the last comment."

No offense taken, Mel Gibson WCB!

The debate over Strasburg's nickname won't die anytime soon, Lord willing. Like most Ecumenical neanderfucks, I'm really looking forward to a matchup between the Nats and the Orioles. One that would pit Stephen Strasburg against Matt Wieters.

Jeezus vs. God!

Yeah, Wieters has been nicknamed "God" since freshman year of college.

So who wins this faceoff? Would Jeezus/God be a Father/Son struggle, like Luke Skywalker v.  Darth Vader or James Dean v. Jim Backus? Or would they decide they're playing for the same team and refuse to go at it?

Stay tuned!

There is one possible wrench to this. The lords of Nats baseball have decreed: On the Fifth Day, Jeezus Pitches...

If management sticks to its fifth-day schedule, Jeezus will be on the mount Sunday against Cleveland, then on June 18 against the White Sox, and June 23 against Kansas City and June 28 in Atlanta. The Nats/O's interleague series runs June 24-26 at Camden Yards. That means Strasburg won't be available for the games in Baltimore.

Unless, you know, some Act of God changes things...

This Friday, a welcome distraction
And proof that the sport has gained traction:
The all-out bonanza
doth merit a stanza
The World Cup swings into action!

And speaking of sports-laden dross
I s'pose that young Stephen can toss
They call him The Savior
Because his behavior
Brings Pirates to ruinous loss

Not everyone had a great week
Dear Helen, oh why did you speak?
She used to have clout
Ms. Get-the-hell-out
Seems now she's a mean ol' antique

A DUI tarnished your name?
And put your poor mother to shame?
She thinks you were crunked
And that's why you flunked
But maybe your test was to blame

Folks everywhere, this space included, are poaching Stephen Strasburg's notoriety.

All grills except ESPNZone's are cooking up Strasburgers. David Letterman hopes to get a rating higher than Strasburg's ERA when he brings the Nats' pitcher on for a Top 10 reading next week.

And, um, blogs, present company included, are forcing obscene amounts of digital inches of Strasburg copy on their readers.

The only guy not trying to make a buck off the mania is Bill Corey. He was at Tuesday's debut, caught the first home run ever given up by Strasburg, then threw it right back on the field.

Corey went on the Sports Junkies on WJFK yesterday to explain why he didn't keep the ball for a later sale to the highest bidder. Estimates of the ball's current worth hit $2,000. I'd take the over.

The radio show's hosts and listeners and me agreed Corey was a tool for not cashing out.

But the wackiest Strasburg exploitation I've yet encountered comes from the Harlem Globetrotters. Last night the team announced it had conferred a special award upon Strasburg.

From the Globetrotters' press release:

(PHOENIX, June 9, 2010) – Washington Nationals rookie pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg has been honored with a “Trotter Tribute” from the world famous Harlem Globetrotters in recognition of his “Globetrotter-esque” dominance in winning his major league pitching debut Tuesday night.

The “Trotter Tribute” honors professional and college athletes from all sports throughout the world whose play calls to mind the dazzling showmanship of “the world’s most famous team.”

Now I know I'm not the only one who, upon seeing that crew-cutted skinny white boy throwing a baseball thought: "But what does this mean for the Harlem Globetrotters?"

Amid all the commercial silliness, the Globetrotters' release did have one good line.

“That kid dominated the Pirates like they were the Washington Generals,” said Globetrotters star Flight Time Lang.

The Nats' marketing campaign leading up to Stephen Strasburg's debut focused on his ability to throw a 100 mph fastball. He put the truth to his team's advertising in the second inning of last night's Nats/Pirates game. That toss grants him membership in an exclusive club of freaks.

I learned a number of interesting things about the quest to hit triple-digit speed from the mound.

The late, great Shirley Povich wrote in a 1937 column* in the Washington Post that Walter Johnson could throw 100 mph. But Povich doesn't mention that the legendary Big Train actually had gone to a gun manufacturer in 1912 to have the speed of his fastball certified, and that equipment only caught him at about 83 miles an hour.

Bob Feller still claims he threw 107 miles an hour here at Griffith Stadium in 1946, but there's not much to back that up.

Feller's timed tosses came at an event staged by Washington Senators owner Clark Griffith, who brought in the machines the U.S. Army used to measure the speed of its artillery shells to gauge the speed of the Indians' returning WWI hero.

But despite Feller's boasts, the Washington Post account of the Griffith Stadium performance back in the day says he only hit 98.6. That's fast.

But it ain't triple digits.

Before Stephen Strasburg blew past the century mark for the first time as a pro last night, the only Washington baseball guy who could boast about hitting the century mark was...Rob Dibble, the color commentator for the Nationals TV broadcasts.

Dibble, a former Cincinnati Reds hurler, was measured at 101.0 mph on June 8, 1992 in a game at Candlestick Park.

That means the big crowd showed up to see Strasburg throw 100 mph on the 18th anniversary of Dibble's big toss. Wonder if even Dibble knew.

*Povich's story about pitching speeds has some hilarious prose. Writing about how the Yankees' pitcher Bump Hadley had beaned a player with a wayward fastball: "Before the ball hit Schulte, Hadley ejaculated a wild 'Look out!' But Schulte couldn't duck. As he sagged to the ground, Hadley blanched and whitened in horror.'"

Who among us hasn't sagged, blanched and whitened after a wild ejaculation?

The messiah returned yesterday, arriving in the form of a 21-year-old man with a buzzed head and a 99 mph fastball. And you thought he would show up on a donkey?  Stephen Strasburg made his major league debut with the Washington Nationals, notching 14 strikeouts to beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 5-2. Sports announcers are still trying to hook their jaws back in place after hanging open all night. Jayson Stark, a reporter for ESPN.com, tells us what happened last night at Nationals Parks should have been impossible for a rookie in the Majors. When you have guys who are paid exorbitant amounts of cash to hit balls 500 feet, it might be a little tough to snag 14 Ks. In fact, it’s only been done five times since 1990! Folks, keep your jaws unhinged.

In other news, two fired Metrobus drivers are coming back behind the wheel. One was originally fired for a deadly car accident with a taxicab and the other for punching a police officer dressed as McGruff the Crime Dog. Be sure to read about the latter.

A vintage airplane flipped over at Reagan Airport yesterday. The World War II-era biplane flipped over its nose as it landed on the runway. The two passengers were uninjured.

The Fenty administration is coming under intense pressure from unions, disgruntled employees, taxpayers, citizens, journalists and others who are requesting information through the Freedom of Information Act. Attorney General Peter Nickles can’t even keep up with it all. If only Fenty could snag some of Strasburg’s stardom – alas.

Photo by Geoff Livingston/Creative Commons

Last Friday night, before the Cincinnati game, scalpers along Half Street SW SE and outside the main entrance to Nationals Park were already asking fans for extras to tonight's game. Strasburg's so huge he's created a whole new industry: Advance scalping!

And the street vendors were predicting that the cops were going to make their business life miserable.

"It's going to be martial law down here on Tuesday!" one scalper told me.

The scalping laws in this city are ridiculous. You can be locked up for selling any tickets to any event for any price on public land.

So even if you want to do somebody a solid and unload your unwanted Conan O'Brien ticket for less than the service charge, you can go to jail. But the law smiles upon anybody who gouges the citizenry using online ticket services or auction houses or Craigslist. (As of this morning there were 488 offers for "Strasburg" tickets on DC's Craigslist. The gougiest CL ad I found was asking for $350.)

If you show up at the game with your tickets, you can give them away legally, but that's it. Buying from a scalper is not illegal.

And the police do enforce these laws at big events — I saw folks getting shoved to the pavement by undercover MPD officers all around the then-MCI Center during the Washington Capitals' 1998 playoff run.

Scalpers outside a venue add to the ambiance. And, they provide a public service. Will our public servants take advantage of the Strasburg buzz and ruin some people's night for no good reason?

I'm betting: Hell, yes, they will.