For this week’s Show & Tell, I spoke to Ebony Tara Scurry, a Silver Spring career counselor who caters to the work woes of goths and other alterna-types. Pick up a paper or read all about it here.

In addition to Scurry’s one-on-one counseling through her newly launched “Eidolon Career Services,” she’s also prepared a couple of handy goth career manuals. One, Corporate Goth 101: Top Strategies for Bludgeoning to Death the 7 Most Common Workplace Problems, collects Scurry’s advice for the 9-to-5 goth set. One of the most common problems Scurry addresses in the book is the stress associated with going “undercover,” or hiding one’s goth personality from employers and coworkers. For those who do choose to fly the goth flag, the manual also includes help with fielding prying questions from co-workers, such as “Do you drink blood?” and “Do you cut yourself (and drink your own blood)?”—and offers up strategies for directing workplace banter into neutral territory. “Talk about your cat,” suggests Scurry. “If your cat’s name is Stigmata or Detriment, maybe you should talk about something else.”

For the goth-tolerant employer, Scurry has recently completed a companion piece to Corporate Goth 101, titled: How to Keep Your Gothic Employee From Putting a Satanic Curse On You (priced at $12.95). The manual, released yesterday, includes advice on eliminating goth teasing, dealing with corporate brass who wonder why an employee is “always wearing black,” and understanding the Eleven Satanic Rules of LaVeyian Satanism, which help explain strange behaviors in a Satanist’s workplace, or “lair.” Rule eleven: “When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask them to stop. If they do not stop, destroy them.”

Employers hoping to avoid destruction can read on to find other common mistakes. “Nicknames based on stereotypes are neither professional nor appropriate,” the manual reads, urging employers to avoid calling their employees ‘dead guy,’ ‘vampire,’ ‘Skeletor,’ and ‘Satan.’ Another word to the wise: “Please do not hide your gothic employee. No exceptions.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Last week, I wrote my Show & Tell column about two goth nights, Spellbound and Midnight, held within blocks of each other on Saturday nights in Farragut North. A few of the comments on the piece accused me of kicking up some controversy within the goth scene with my side-by-side comparison of the competing events. “Shame on you, city paper,” wrote one reader. “Nothing informative about the djs, the promoters, the spaces….but such emphasis on stirring up ‘goth scene drama.’”

For those commenters’ benefit, I’ve drafted this totally innocuous* report of L Street’s basement goth scene.

The Dark Nights: Inside L Street’s Dueling Peaceably Co-Existing Goth Parties

On Saturday nights, there are two places where you can go to dress up like a goth and hang out with other people dressed up like goths: Midnight and Spellbound. They are really close together and both have great DJs, promoters, and spaces. Did you know that Midnight is just as good as Spellbound, and that both are just as good as any other goth party that’s ever existed anywhere, and any other goth party that’s ever existed anywhere is just as good as any other niche scene event that’s ever existed anywhere? It’s true. Insider tip: Spellbound and Midnight love each other so much that they are going to get married. But don’t take my word for it. Ask the goths!

A goth: “Midnight has cake. But sometimes I don’t want cake. Sometimes I do, though. I just can’t choose!”

Another goth: “Both are so great!!!!!1″

Now for a more comprehensive inventory of how great they both are:

Midnight: Great.

Spellbound: Same.

Got Something for Show & Tell? Send tips to show@washingtoncitypaper.com. Or call (202) 332-2100, x 473.

* completely untrue