A recent report by the Inspector General says two city officials misused city property by "engaging in sexual activity" in a Reeves Center office and a city-owned car in the building's parking garage. The employees, a female District Department of Transportation staffer and a male Office of Unified Communications worker, also used their government-issued email and smartphones to send "sexually explicit" messages to each other.

How explicit?? Visit LL to find out.

Because Nothing Says "Hot" Like the Beltway: The New York Times won a Pulitzer for a series on texting while driving (and walking), but now a more dangerous in-car distraction has emerged. A lawsuit in Fairfax County alleges that the defendant caused a car crash on the Beltway last year while driving 85 miles an hour and having sex in the back seat. The claim seems dubious, though; traffic on the Beltway wouldn't usually allow anyone to go that fast. +1

Teenage Wasteland: A scourge stalks the Metro system, and its name is "teenager." Metro officials insisted to members of Congress today that the reason crime is up on the subway system is that teenagers will "quick snap" gadgets out of riders' hands and dash out the door. The solution, naturally, is to ban anyone under the age of 20 from riding Metro, but the courts are unlikely to look favorably on such a policy (not to mention, Metro probably needs the fares). Officials are looking, instead, into adding more uniformed and undercover cops in stations where lots of theft has been reported. -2

Thursday Styles: Our long regional nightmare is over—the Washington Post Style section has an editor once again. Frances Stead Sellers, who's been running the national desk's coverage of health, science, and the environment, will take over for Ned Martel, who—in the manner typical of big-city dailies—moved to the national staff himself. (Here at Washington City Paper, we don't have enough jobs for people to rotate around like that, unless they want to sell classified ads after writing a column.) +1

The Joke Writes Itself: When it rains, it pours. On the day New York Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner resigned from office over lewd Facebook chats and tweeted photos of his crotch he'd sent women he didn't know, the Capitol Police closed the street near the Rayburn House Office Building while they investigated a suspicious package. Or rather, a suspicious package. We won't bid Weiner farewell from D.C., as it's just a matter of time before he gets his own cable news show. -1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 63 Today's score: -1 Today's Needle rating: 62

No Sex, Please, We're Catholic: Co-ed dorms have been the norm in most colleges for generations; at George Washington University, students will soon be able to share a room with anyone of any sex. After all, today's kids aren't exactly notoriously modest. At Catholic University, though, they sure will be soon. The school says it will make all of its 17 dorms single-sex, reversing years of co-ed housing, in an attempt to cut down on sex and drinking. Be sure to let us know how that works out, well-intentioned college officials. -1

More Sex, Please, We're the District: Apparently all those fresh-faced congressional staffers on the Metro have a wild side. At least according to today's installment of Meaningless National Rankings, brought to you by Trojan—who also bring you, of course, condoms. Trojan researchers have taken a break from testing their wares to analyze recent surveys and declare the District among the most sexually active cities in the nation; 75 percent of D.C. residents say they're sexually active (though that's not defined in any greater specificity) and 70 percent say they'd like to have sex more often. 27 percent say they've had sexual encounters involving more than one other person. No word on how much overlap there was among that group. +2

Breaking Away: Intentionally hitting bicyclists with your car is a bad idea. Intentionally hitting bicyclists who happen to be off-duty cops with your car, while you're driving with a passenger with an outstanding warrant and a car that reeks of weed? Now that's a terrible idea, and one that allegedly occurred to a guy around 13th and Kenyon streets NW in February. An even worse idea? While jailed on charges related to that incident, the suspect called his girlfriend on a monitored phone line and told her to hide his drugs and gun. So remember, D.C. drivers: That guy or gal on a bike you want to scare could bring the long arm of the law down on you. +3

No Taxation Without Artificial Pigmentation: June 14 is, as everyone knows, Flag Day here in the United States. Which makes it as good a day as any for the next round of protests over D.C.'s colony-like status vis a vis the federal government. Activists will gather in Dupont Circle tonight to display tattoos of the District's stars-and-bars flag. Upon seeing such a display, Americans—nay, people all over the world!—will surely come to recognize the injustice of our situation. Or if not, at least maybe some people will get laid while they check out each other's tats. +1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 52 Today's score: +5 Today's Needle rating: 57

Some of the most amusing ones didn't make it into print—those from local residents who were outraged that violent films were advertised on TV or the existence of sex (sex!) was acknowledged. After the jump are some highlights of what we couldn't fit into the paper. Any typos are as they appear in the complaint.

"There was just a young girl on this program who said the word 'cunt' on air... There was no apology and it was clearly audible for myself and my family."

"The host on DC101 made a comment that when going out at night, the audience should opt to consume one more beer even leaving the bar, and when driving home should blame the swerving on the local windy weather rather than excess intoxication (if pulled over). Ergo, the host was endorsing drunk driving and lying."

"I am watching NFL Football with my young son on Sunday afternoon and I have had to sit through TWO R-rated movie commercials (one is a horror flick and the other is for Edge of Darkness) with him and I'm not even through half-time yet. This is UNACCEPTABLE and very inappropriate at this time of day."

"I was trying to enjoy some headline news with my family, to include my 10 year old daughter—she does not need to be exposed to this type of advertising at all and I should not have to worry about broadcast channels discussing sexual activity and porn during what is obviously family viewing time."

"Jay Leno had Jessica Biel on as a guest and before she came out they played clips from some of her movies. One of them included her in a bra in a scene with (I think it was Adam Sandler). He asked to put his hands on her breasts and she let him do that. He squeezed them, moved his hands around while on them, and commented on them. I do not think this was appropriate for a show on broadcast TV (especially one that's being described as being in 'prime time')."

"Channel 7 News showed a protester carrying a handmade sign and it showed 'Fuck War.' I would expect ABC News to have edited there film before being aired. I would have for young children to see this display. I have it recorded and even took a picture of the banner."

"As we were watching Seinfeld with our family including my 3-year-old son, a commercial advertising the new film CRAZIES was aired. This was wholly inappropriate for this time of night. My child became very deeply upset, as did I. I want to know if there is anything that can be done to stop this happening again."

At $1,300 a head, the course isn't cheap. But Lyons says men get their money's worth. “We boast a 100 percent success rate of phone numbers on the first day," he says. "We had a small session in Toronto last weekend with six guys. Five of them got make-outs, three guys brought girls home, one guy brought four girls home and was pushing for a fivesome.”

By the end of those three days, one of those Torontonians had had sex—and, no surprise, it wasn't the fivesome guy. Who was actually an unusual case, Lyons adds.

“I think that there’s a misconception between a pick up artist and a player," he says. "It’s true that a pick up artist can become a player, and that a player can become a pick up artist. But most of these men I teach just want to meet someone. When we ask guys why they’re in the class, the number one reason we hear is, ‘I don’t want to die alone.’”

Lyons is married, so he won't be getting any action other than from his wife, Amanda—whom he sometimes brings along to demonstrate on. "One of the guys last weekend was in his 20s and had never made out with someone," Lyons says. "My wife was there, and while he was with his girl at the bar, I was guiding him by making out with my wife."

You'd think being married might cramp a pick up artist's style (and reputation), but Lyons says it's just the opposite. “I was always worried that it would affect me negatively, but I think being married gives me credibility," he says. "I’ve played around and I’ve got the evidence. I think I was the first [pick up artist] to say, ‘You know what, I don’t want a lot of chicks, I want to get married. I want to have kids.’” And then the next year I was named the number one pick up artist.”

So being married contributed to that distinction?

"Oh yeah, massively."

At this weekend's bootcamp, Lyons will mix seminars conducted in a conference room at a Dupont Circle hotel with trips to nearby bars and coffee shops.

If you're a female and happen to be in the neighborhood this weekend and find yourself the prey of some of the class members, remember this: The guys may not have game (yet), but they can afford the $1,300 tuition.

I solved the mystery, folks! They aren't getting laid!

If you haven't fully explored DCUM, you are probably missing the best part of the message board: Sex and Relationship Issues (explicit). It's a scary look into the world of rich-people sex post-children. Basically you aren't getting any and the few that are getting it regularly are sure to rub it in your face if you dare talk about your sexless existence. You'll be thankful you've got the Graco stroller after all.

We've collected some of our personal favorites for you to enjoy, but please post others we should explore to make ourselves feel better about our lives. All people on this board are anonymous.

TOPIC: Sexless marriage and..
"sick of porn. what does one do?"
"Continue to use your rabbit (I'm assuming you're a woman) and live a life of quiet desperation. Join the club."
"www.ashleymadison.com"
"Just wondering what's the sex frequency threshhold to qualify for a sexless couple? I'm sure we'd qualify with our once a month schedule... I'm a female, so there are sexless moms here, too"
"Also in a sexless marriage. My husband is older and has zero interest in sex. I'll admit that I've thought about divorce or affairs.....Problem is I have very young children and can't fathom being a single mom."
"Do you mean that you can't fathom having to get a job? Since this is obviously all about you. I say that because you mentioned YOU being a single mom, not the fact that your kids would have a broken home."

TOPIC: How many times per week or month?
"We Have 2 kids both work fulltime and have sEx once a month. What about you?"
"Both work FT too, 5 and 2 yr old. Ranges between once a week to 5 days a week. Depends on our moods and on those of the kids!
DH got a vasectomy and our sex life has definitely improved because I was always kind of worried I'd get pregnant again and I don't want to be anymore."
"5 days a week is impressive to me. I haven't done that since college."
"About once a week. It's nowhere near enough. I masturbate two or three times a week also."

TOPIC: Sex and Babysitting
"Does anyone have friends that help each other babysit so that they can have sex? I know that there are ways to not let people know what you're doing, but I personally have trouble finding friends to help out and hiring someone in your house (which means that you have to find a place) is expensive."
"why do you need a babysitter to have sex? do it at night when kids are asleep in your bedroom with door shut."
"Until they start crying when 1/2 way into the thumping and the thrusting and the pumping?"
"Why would you need a babysitter to have sex with your spouse? Do you live in a one-room trailer? If not, put your kids to bed, lock the bedroom door, and have at it."
"Thanks for your responses. I guess I didn't realize how different most people must have it. When the children are asleep, that means that my wife is asleep. If I wake her up, I'm denying her sleep she's already deprived of. She usually complies and suffers through it but never enjoys it because, you know, she's tired."

And just for the gross-out factor: Elderly father addicted to porn

Photo by kodismom via Flickr/Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivs 2.0

The National Mall, January 22

Is this shocking? Or have boys learned at a very young age the art of lying about sex?

The Post writes:

His meeting with Officer Madeline Collado, who was posing as a prostitute, took place Feb. 20, just after 5 p.m., in a fifth-floor room at the Embassy Suites hotel near 10th and K streets NW, according to an affidavit filed by police in D.C. Superior Court. The document quotes their conversation in a room wired for sound and video.

"So, what do you do for a living?" Collado asked him, after the two had exchanged pleasantries.

"I work with the government," Schmidt said, to which Collado replied, "How cool is that!"

Here, Schmidt proves himself not too swift. Collado's how-cool-is-that response should have been a dead give away that she's full of it. No one, not even real sex workers could bluff that well. Schmidt doesn't walk out of the room. Instead, he agrees to pay the $80 for a half hour of lovemaking.

For his bust, Schmidt just had to complete a stint at the John's School. His charges have been dismissed. The department is now investigating Schmidt.

But guess what Schmidt's doing in the meantime?

Schmidt is working a foot beat in 4D. Talk about community policing. Is the department desperate enough to keep this officer on the force? Would you want this guy patrolling your neighborhood?

How often do you get to see a dog checking out dog prostitutes? He's like, "Homina, homina: dog prostitutes," and his owner's like, "Oh no you don't," and they're like, "How-how, big boy."

This detail is particularly weird: