One word: Oprah! The "queen of daytime television" will announce today she's ending her show in 2011. This is huge! Now, in case you're a little slow, let me connect the dots and tell you what's really going on here. Just this week, Sarah Palin goes on Oprah to plug her book Going Rogue even while insisting that 2012 is "not on my radar screen right now," which is what all candidates for president have to say in 2009. Oprah is all charming, as usual, and gets her biggest audience in two years! Then, just a few days later, Oprah announces that she will be leaving her show after 25 years to "start her own cable channel." Coincidence? This could really only mean one thing: Palin-Winfrey 2012! You heard it here first.

I'm sure there are skeptics out there. Yeah, Oprah endorsed Barack Obama during last year's campaign. But whatever. Remember how she didn't go out and stump for him, except, like, once? It's obvious now that this is because she is a secret political admirer of Sarah Palin. And Michelle Obama knows it (see picture).

Also, put yourself in Palin's place. Who else would you pick to be your vice presidential running mate? John McCain? He's too old, and he obviously held her back last time. Mitt Romney? Not until he changes his hair, and that doesn't seem imminent. I suppose Todd, the ex-First Dude, is a possibility. Sarah does say in her book that "God and Todd" got her where she is today, and it's not like she can put God on the ticket. Anyway, Oprah makes total sense.

In other news, NASA has confirmed that the world is not ending, at least not on Dec. 21, 2012.

Just in time for Thanksgiving, there is a shortage of canned pumpkin.

Two-thirds of American Santas are fat—and they want a swine flu shot.

Happy Friday! And catch up with me on Twitter!

Photo by woohoo120, Creative Commons Attribution License

Like locusts swarming from above, a new (pink) cupcake truck and New York-based Crumbs Bake Shop are showering the District with more overpriced, nauseatingly cute cupcakes. Does this mean we have to suffer through another dreadful Washington Post war? Matt, commenting on Prince of Petworth, says: “I see sub-prime cupcake crisis coming! Cupcake bailout?”

Undoubtedly the result of the massive cupcake crisis, WTOP reports that federal and retail positions are being inundated with an unprecedented number of job applications—some federal positions that previously attracted 25 applicants are now getting up to 400. Accompanying the article is a photo of a handsome, sneering man who is clearly thinking: “You won't even get a job at a cupcake place! Have fun decorating your cardboard box, intern.”

The city is distributing more than 122,000 plastic reusable bags to low-income residents to prepare them for the 5-cent bag fee that goes into effect Jan. 1. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty says it’s for the “Skip the Bag, Save the River” campaign, but really it’s due to the massive cupcake shortage! Start stockpiling those crumbs!

Americans are rediscovering frugality and spending money only on life’s staples: specifically, canned beans and Sarah Palin's memoir, which was officially released yesterday. Clearly, the cupcake-crazed are already going rogue.

And finally, the New York Daily News offers evidence that Clint Eastwood is not very impressed by the rogue cupcake crisis: He lamented to GQ that “it seems like our country is in kind of a morbid mood because of the recession or whatever…we have a bunch of teenage twits.”

Photo by Bev, Creative Commons Attribution License

But I must say that it was Continetti who grabbed me this morning, right from the start of his piece. If ever there was a perfect lede, this was it:

Like a lot of people, as soon as I got my copy of Sarah Palin's "Going Rogue," I immediately thought of the German literary critic Hans Robert Jauss.

At that moment, I mind-melded with Continetti, because that's the very reaction I have when I pick up just about any book. When I recently finished off Hank Stuever's delightful Tinsel, all I could think of was Jauss. Sure, I was thinking of Tammie and Blake and Caroll and Marissa and all the other great characters in Stuever's narrative, but it was Jauss that really preoccupied me.

Last night, I grabbed Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. I began reading about such child behavior-influencing techniques as redirection and distraction, not to mention the important distinctions between praise and encouragement. But I was really obsessing the whole time over the teachings of none other than Jauss. He provided the frame of reference for the entire affair. Yup, Jauss.

Same dynamic applied to this morning's newspaper reading. I was checking out the Post's stories on the closing of the Washington Blade and about the killing of a 9-year-old in Columbia Heights. People like Lou Chibbaro Jr. and Ward 1 Councilmember Jim Graham were mentioned in those stories. And they were so overshadowed, yet again, by Jauss.

Like a lot of people, I just wander around thinking about nothing but Jauss. I've got to get together with Continetti and talk some Jauss.

Today I leave the best job I ever had, and that counts a brief stint at Trader Joe's where I tried to get health care after knocking over several cases of Two Buck Chuck with my ass. As asst. managing editor at Washington City Paper for the past two and half years, my job has been mostly plumbing, behind the walls, keeping things running without a nasty backup. But one cannot be merely a plumber and still be employed at an award-winning alternative weekly decimated by its ownership in the digital age. One has to blog.

I know all of you loyal City Desk readers have been following my posts with great vigor. And, so, as my parting gift to you, I give you the highlights of my tenure here (critters, baking, dudes living in their basements, Michael Phelps, D.C. brunch culture [FYI: It still sucks], and did I mention Michael Phelps?), as well as a super sappy goodbye.

First, I want to thank all of the commenters who agree with me regarding Sarah Palin and her inferiority to owls. Because do you know what? Owls are awesome and Sarah Palin is not. I stand by my original post. If you like that one---and so many of you did---I would encourage you to please check out my ongoing reportage on critters, including the saga of Lucy the Ninja Dog, ways coyote piss can rid this city of rats, and the adorable cuteness of this bedbug-sniffing beagle.

There were also a number of you who could not hold back the love when it came to my take on brunch. For the record: I am not leaving D.C. because of my hatred of its brunch culture. But it never entered the plus column. And, although I continue to believe what I wrote, I recently discovered that the city I am moving to has a "jazz brunch." So it seems this paticular sort of suck is not limited to the D.C. metropolitan area. I plan to take down brunch culture in greater Missoula, Mont., in the next incarnation of my career, so stay tuned.

And, unlike this guy, I do plan to have a career that takes me very far away from both my parents' basement and Brazillian "game." Thanks, Roosh V, for the memories.

But if my life as a brunch-taker-downer falls flat, I can always fall back on my many successes as a baker. I just don't know if the Marcello Goldberger Brown Sugar Chocolate Chunk Cookie will have a wider audience.

I do know that I have had the opportunity at City Paper to work with amazing, talented, tough people who make me laugh and challenge me as a journalist and who made me love my job. Among them are the above gentlemen, pictured hanging out in my old cube: Joe Eaton, Jason Cherkis, and Darrow Montgomery. I especially want to thank my bosses, Andrew Beaujon and Erik Wemple. I have never worked for finer people. I now join a cast of alumni who've left reluctantly, realizing it probably doesn't get any better than this.

Looking back on my work here, it's possible that blogging may not have been the strong suit for an old gal who started in newsrooms that didn't have Internet, but I didn't come here to become a great blogger.

I came here to be a part of something great. And I was. Thank you, colleagues and readers, for all of it.

• Minnesota has finally come to its senses and decided that Al Franken will be its second senator.  It only took the ballot counters and lawyers eight months to figure that out.  The former Saturday Night Live writer will take his seat following the July 4th recess.  Franken will be the 60th Democrat in the Senate, making it possible for the party to break a Republican filibuster but he wants everyone to know that he's not looking to block legislation on a regular basis.

• An FDA advisory panel is trying to make life more painful for patients.  Literally.  They recommended a ban on Vicodin and Percocet because the high levels of acetaminophen can negatively affect the liver.  The panel also wants a decrease in daily dosages of acetaminophen, as well as the dosage per pill and the number of pills per container.  The active pain-relieving ingredient in medicines such as NyQuil, Tylenol, and Excedrin, acetaminophen might kill your liver but the pain might make it worth it.

• Brightest Young Things spotted the first Real World cast members walking through town today.  How?  The two girls were followed by five camera people.  Way to blend in, MTV, way to blend in.

• We Love DC apparently still loves the city, even after reporting on a supposed dognapping outside the P Street Whole Foods on Sunday night.  Molly, a 4 year old Vizla, was tied up outside and when her owner came back, she was gone.  Normally, this would be the cause for posters and neighborhood email lists, but ever since NBC4 picked it up on their website, Molly has become Logan Circle's cause.  I think this is what Arianna Huffington was referring to when she referred to "citizen journalism."

• And just when she thought we forgot about her, Sarah Palin has returned to the news with another audacious claim.  This time, she thinks she can beat President Obama in a foot race.  "I betcha I'd have more endurance," the killa from Wasilla told Runner's World magazine.  The White House is not commenting, but perhaps a pit bull would be a better opponent for the former vice-presidential nominee.  The president is a little bit busy trying to pull troops out of Baghdad and push gay people into the military.

Did anybody tell Abe Pollin?

***

Lebron's come and gone. But we only have to wait a week for the next celeb sports doc extravaganza: Luis Tiant will be at the E Street Cinema downtown on June 22 for red-carpet screening of "The Lost Son of Havana," a film about the ex-Indian- Twin-Red Sock-Yankee-Pirate-Angel's trip back to the Cuban capital, which is his Akron.

After the screening the movie's producers will throw a bash across the street from the theater at the ESPN Zone. But don't expect much. In the invitation the party's organizers just sent out, they're promising that: "Light refreshments will be served in accordance with House Ethics rules."

House ethics used to lead to the wildest parties in town. Jack Abramoff mussed up everything.

***

Sign of the times or the Times? Despite a big write-up in Sunday's Washington Times, the Hoop Dreams Scholarship fund had to cancel its next big fundraising event for lack of interest.

Hoop Dreams has been a powerhouse on the DC charity and social scene for more than a decade. The organization was started in 1996 by former H.D. Woodson teacher and sleepless superhero Susie Kay, who began holding an annual outdoor basketball tournament to help her students get money for college.

Her cause took off, and before long, Kay, backed by Ted Leonsis, Ari Fleischer and scads of local pro athletes and federal lawmakers (including John McCain and Barack Obama), was divvying out grants to kids from schools all over the city. (Leonsis threw more than checks at the group, serving for years as a mentor to Kay's kids.)

The organization now claims to have funded continuing education for more than 1,000 DC students.

The plan was to celebrate that milestone on June 25, with a soiree at the Historical Society of Washington, DC, called "1,000 Strong."

But this morning Hoop Dreams sent out a brief, terse announcement that the event was canceled "due to lack of ticket sales."

"For the few people who purchased tickets online you will receive a full refund," read the cancellation notice.

Hoop Dreams' cause remains righteous. This party might be canceled, but the party can't be over for this bunch.

Other hoops-related charities are claiming big doings around here: The group Nothing But Nets, also known for raising funds through basketball tournaments, is holding a series of local events this week with the Mystics, DC United, the Bayhawks and Michelle Obama and Jack Evans, and says it will use the proceeds to send 10,000 malaria nets to various refugee camps in Africa.

***

Good golly, did David Letterman look like a coward and a buffoon last night, caving in and bumbling through a fake apology for his lazy line about Sarah Palin's daughter getting "knocked up" by Alex Rodriguez.

Yeah, talk about an athlete impregnating a Palin daughter really isn't fit for a late-night monologue. It's ok to use that material in a campaign press release, however.

Guess it's all been said. But let's take another look at Palin with her daughters at the Flyers game during the campaign, one of many appearances at sporting events where she's used her kids as human shields.

What network fool told Letterman to crater?

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

I have been trying to figure out Michael Steele for the last week or so. Every since he won the RNC's top job that has meant more TV chat show appearances where he talks up tax cuts and talks down Obama. He just doesn't sound that smart. Yesterday, Steele told a Politico reporter that Obama's stimulus package "is just a wish list from a lot of people who have been on the sidelines for years.. to get a little bling, bling."

And, well, he has a history, a bad history. In terms of contributing to the economy, the one thing everyone remembers is the hiring homeless from PA to handout misleading fliers on election day when he ran against Cardin and got trounced. Fisher has the definitive postmortem on that ugly campaign.

Now Steele continues to insist government doesn't create jobs.

This morning I woke up to this thought: Steele is our new Sarah Palin.

Maybe this is the end of the media blitz. Maybe we will never see this clown again. Maybe we will never get to hear her whine about waving-the-white-flag-of-surrender, hear that bridge-to-nowhere lie, and watch her incite hatred at rallies, etc. I hope this is it.

Yesterday Palin appeared in Wasilla (I miss you Wasilla!) to pardon a turkey. After issuing her pardon, she did an interview with a local TV station (so long Greta). And, well, things go very wrong. Warning: this video is disgusting.

Via Huffington Post.

To paraphrase President-elect Obama: "When people get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward candidates who actually have a hope in hell."

But to assume these two were the only major write-in players would be to underestimate the imagination and pluck of the American people. As Matt Dunn of the New Jersey Star-Ledger sagely observes:

Voters in Cumberland County unsatisfied with the choices given to them on Election Day chose to vote on their own terms in this year's election. The write-in candidates stood little chance of defeating those candidates whose names were listed on the ballot, but that didn't stop voters from exercising their right to vote for whomever they saw fit.

Below the jump, some of my favorite write-ins from Ohio, New Jersey, New Hampshire, Florida, and D.C.

Stark County, OH: Hello Kitty; Captain Morgan; Alfred E. Neuman; Ted Nugent; Jesus Christ the Lord; Jesus of Nazareth; Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho-Cinco (1 vote apiece).

Cumberland County, NJ: Mitt Romney (3); Paris Hilton (1); Newt Gingrich (?)

New Hampshire: Bill Clinton (13); Chuck Baldwin (226); Sarah Palin (18).

Duval County, FL (via Ben Smith): Chuck Norris (2); Mickey Mouse (3); Rudy Giulliani [sic] (4); God (6); Weird Al Yancovic [sic] (1); "They Both Suck '08" (1); "none of the above" (23)*.

Washington, D.C.: Ted Scheinman (at least 1).

If you require further proof that hope springs eternal, I can't really help you out.

*Tied with Jesus.

Trouble viewing? Try the YouTube version.

Hope y'all brought mittens.

Trouble viewing? Try the YouTube version.

"If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations," Palin told host Chris Plante, "then I don't know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media."

What's wrong with this statement? Let me count the ways.

Let's start with a review of the First Amendment. It reads as follows: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

1.) The First Amendment doesn't protect politicians from media criticism, not even biased, mainstream criticism. It's purpose is to protect the media and the citizenry and politicians and weirdos and Bible thumpers and idiots (like Palin) from any government action that would prohibit such criticisms.

2.) "Bitter shots," like the kind that the press has taken at Palin, aren't censorship, and in this case they're not even unreasonable.

3.) If Sarah Palin's in need of a primer on censorship, she need look no further than her running mate, John McCain, whose McCain-Feingold Act placed restrictions on free political speech.

4.) Sarah Palin is a demagoging idiot. The Republicans deserve to get their asses handed to them on Tuesday, especially the ones who have stayed by Palin's side for the last two months.

Take, for example, this piece in the Guardian, conservatively titled "How these gibbering numbskulls came to dominate Washington." It's by George Monbiot, who despite stating in his second graf "I have for many years been mystified by American politics," goes on to explain American politics. The answer? Quoting heavily from a Book He Just Read, Monbiot determines: It's cuz we like God 'n' stuff! "Teaching in the southern states was dominated by the views of an ignorant aristocracy of planters," he explains, "and a great educational gulf opened up," he writes. Planters!

By contrast, here's Leslie on Sarah Palin.

Does that mean I think she's a towering intellect, the next Reagan/Thatcher etc? No. A combination of the moribund state of her party, and her premature ascent to the national stage, means that she's not being forced to use that brain to do any real thinking. She's interesting as a figure, but she really has nothing interesting to say. Anyway, I suspect she relies too heavily and lazily on her 'instincts' to do the hard thinking required to develop a distinctive political vision. But I do think she'll emerge as very strong contender for the GOP nomination in 2012 and that she'll come back as an improved, more substantial version of her 2008 self.

I'm not saying we don't make it easy for people like Monbiot, but single-sourced, empirically researched twaddle like his article isn't a far cry from the fuzzy education he blames for Americans' inherent stupidity. And he's not alone in his belief. Half my family is British, and whenever I'm over, I'm always struck by how firmly most folks there accept as gospel that Americans are idiots. If it weren't for our movies, music, clothes, technology, food, cars, money, and amusement parks (single-sourced, empirically researched fact of my own: nine times out of 10, if a British person has been to a U.S. city other than New York, it's Orlando), we'd have nothing to offer at all!

But Leslie has lived here, and it's clear from his writing that not only does he have great affection for the place, he's taken the time to try to actually understand it, something rare to British writers (and I'm counting Gary Younge here). As such, his perspective on our batshit-craziness is worth reading. And he mentions Moistworks as a favorite blog, so that's in his plus column, too.

Funny, that is, until the very end, when Jackson straight-talks about "the elephant in the room."

"That's what we fear most as black people who want him to...be elected: Win, and somebody's gonna try to kill him."

In the beginning I took my column pretty seriously, shouting out stories I'd written for other publications, and including some original content. It quickly became a slog. My hits were 200 or 300 a day, not terrible, but translating to pennies (or perhaps quarters) per day. Then, around the time of the Republican convention it occurred to me that the idiots who dial up Examiner don't want to read about Jamie Lidell or whatever, they want to read about Sarah fucking Palin. And so I began posting about her, every day. My hits went way up, well over 1000 for this Sarah Palin drinking game.

I was immediately told by an editor -- a different one -- that this was unacceptable, that I had to write about music only. I pushed back, noting my agreement with the first guy. But he couldn't be swayed, and since I was near a payment threshold I capitulated. I silently vowed to get over the threshold as quickly as possible, and to entertain myself in the process. And so I began to blog about nothing but Lil Wayne and boobs -- Katy Perry's, mostly -- in as absurd a manner as possible. Oh, and I still talked about Sarah Palin via ridiculous musical tie-ins. "Katy Perry and Sarah Palin to wrestle in Jello?" one was titled.

My hits stayed high, probably because nearly every post included a picture of Katy Perry with her tits hanging out, which were splashed across the site's front page next to headlines like "Katy Perry voted biggest boobs in music." (The first line of that particular post was, "By my friend Darryl"). After about a week of this they cut me off. My page is still up, but as of Saturday I can't post to it anymore. This annoyed me at first, but this morning I got paid so I'm over it.

Westhoff's post includes links to his Examiner posts, but they're all dead now.