Sarah Palin and Charlie Sheen have some things in common: They've both occasionally indicated they're open to questions about whether President Barack Obama was born in the United States, and they both seem to subscribe to an Oscar Wilde-inspired theory of media coverage ("the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about"). One thing they don't have in common, though, is having recently been escorted by D.C.'s Metropolitan Police Department.

On April 19, Sheen hired MPD to bullet him from Dulles International Airport to his speaking gig at Constitution Hall, lights flashing. The trip set off a controversy about MPD escorts and whether celebrities like Sheen deserve to zip through red lights. According to MPD policy, the correct answer is "no." Officially, only the president, vice president, D.C. mayor, and visiting dignitaries should get escorts, and only for security; nonetheless, it turned out visitors like Jay-Z and Bill Gates had also gotten the special treatment in the past.

Apparently, though, Palin didn't think she needed an escort when she arrived in D.C. last weekend for her "One Nation" bus tour/PAC-funded family vacation. Had her entourage asked, MPD could have authorized an escort for her. But she didn't ask. MPD spokesperson Gwendolyn Crump says MPD had nothing to do with Palin while she was here: "We did not receive any request from Sarah Palin for an escort, nor was one authorized. We did not escort her anywhere." Messages sent to Palin's handlers weren't answered.

Since Palin was reportedly escorted by ten park rangers and police escorts on a trip to Ellis Island in New York on Wednesday, we decided to check with some other agencies. Secret Service, Capitol Police, and U.S. Park Police all say they dispatched no details at all to safeguard Palin.

Obviously, Sheen ruined a good thing.

YouTube clips appear to show that Palin's visit to the Rolling Thunder motorcycle rally was overseen by the event's security guys, and that one of them was really into yelling at the media. Photos and videos also show some guys in polo shirts and sunglasses in the background who look like private security.

MPD seems to have caught a break here; a security request from Palin could have put the department in an awkward position. Refuse it, and they could be (gulp) alienating the future leader of the free world. Comply, and it looks like celebrity worship. For now, at least, that's one scandal dodged.

Photo by Matt Dunn

Rolling Thunder, May 29th.  © 2011 Matt Dunn

Pentagon Parking Lot, Rolling Thunder, May 29th.  © 2011 Matt Dunn

Sarah Barracuda: Ah, Memorial Day weekend. Nothing says "the start of summer" like barbecues, Rolling Thunder on the Mall, and a Palin family vacation in the District. Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin will drop by the motorcycle rally Sunday, to kick off a bus tour of important historical sites that could lead her right to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW. In some alternate reality, that is. To spot Palin this weekend, just look for the bus painted to look like Alaska. -3

Wale v. Bin Laden's Lady: The spats that pop up on Twitter sometimes seem to be the product of a Mad-Libs-esque random selection. Want proof? Take the fight that erupted recently between D.C. rapper Wale and author Kola Boof, best known for a 2006 memoir in which she claimed she'd been Osama bin Laden's lover. The Wale-Boof beef started with a series of tweets where the author criticized the video for "Pretty Girls." Wale responded by saying he could bash her for "porking terrorists," but that he wouldn't stoop quite that low. There's no way such an absurd exchange could have taken place in more than 140 characters. +2

We All Scream for Screen on the Green: There's something to be said for bah-humbuggery about outdoor summer movie festivals. There's no comfortable way to sit in a crowd on the Mall, there's always a bit more light than there should be, and someone nearby is always talking. Still, the Screen on the Green schedule announced today looks decent, all that notwithstanding: In the Heat of the Night, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and Cool Hand Luke. And yes, every one of those movies was released more than 35 years ago; that means you've probably already seen them, so you won't mind dealing with the light and the talking. +2

Tiger Transfer: The big cat population of the District is increasing rapidly. First, the National Zoo's lions had cubs; now, the zoo has acquired a new tiger. The 2 1/2-year-old cat, Damai, arrived from the San Diego Zoo; zookeepers here say they'll bring a male to breed with her later this year. Which seems pretty presumptuous of them. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 54 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 57

• What Would MLK Do?

Let me confess: The "If Martin Luther King Jr. were alive" sentiments that will invariably crop up today kind of irk me. At 82, King's undoubtedly tired ghost is trotted out every MLK holiday to do battle with whatever sociopolitical beast we happen to be most afraid of. Though well-intentioned enough, this rote practice ends up diminishing the man we mean to exalt by making him the apotheosis of some kind of blanket idealism. King deserves more.

• The One Cool Black Guy I Know

If some are guilty of using King as a foil on MLK Day, the holiday inspires others—usually conservatives—to trot him out like their one black friend. In an effort to not appear racist, they identify themselves with King's message of hope, without actually identifying themselves with the anti-racism he exemplified, let alone his radical economic message (it was, after all, the Poor People's Campaign that brought him to Memphis in April 1968) or his pacifism, which led him to oppose the Vietnam War. As Sarah Palin teaches us via Facebook post, generalities are enough:

Today is a day to reflect on the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King dedicated himself to justice and the struggles of an imperfect world. In the face of fierce opposition, he stood up for the oppressed, and he ultimately sacrificed all for equality and freedom. His was a remarkable life of love and service for all mankind. His work must continue.

Note that Palin managed to talk about a civil rights leader who fought for racial equality without mentioning either term.

• Put On Your Work Boots

Yet another King meme easily spotted around the Web today uses King as an organizing tool. Here, King and his legacy amount to a sanitized political activism based in volunteerism. Though it's always good to help out, starting a community garden isn't exactly reminiscent of the movements that shook the country in the 1960s. Often, when King acted, it was in defiance of powerful political and cultural institutions, and there was blood in the street.

These ways of addressing King's legacy aren't exactly bad; they just come up short on a day that could be used to move us toward a more sophisticated understanding of the man and his work. Of course, it's only been 25 years that the federal government has even recognized the holiday, and plenty of businesses—including Washington City Paper—still don't close for it. So maybe it's not just the rhetoric that comes up short.

Photo by Marion S. Trikosko [public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Next Stop, Knoxville: The recession may, officially, be over. But consumer spending hasn't returned to normal levels—and if you needed more proof of that, the rapturous greetings with which the news of Megabus' expanded service from D.C. should suffice. The discount bus line will run direct routes from the District to Boston; Buffalo, Charlotte, N.C.; Hampton, Va.; Harrisburg, Penn.; Knoxville, Tenn.; Pittsburgh; Raleigh-Durham, N.C.; Richmond; and Toronto. Service to Baltimore, New York and Philadelphia is already available. The thought of riding a bus to Knoxville is depressing enough without the consolation of free on-board WiFi. +3

Washington Coliseum Re-Invaded: There may not actually be any Beatles fans who don't already own digital copies of most of the group's canon, but just in case, Apple hyped today's announcement that the Fab Four were available on iTunes with a PR blitz that probably rivaled the one the band's promoters put on for their first U.S. tour 46 years ago. Part of the hype: Streaming video of the Beatles' Feb. 11, 1964, show at the Washington Coliseum, complete with pre-concert shots of the band riding through D.C.'s mobbed streets. To really get the full experience, and fully support the Apple marketing machine, bring your 3G-enabled iPad to the shell of the Coliseum and watch it outside. +1

"Snowmageddon" Will Live Forever: It wasn't just a legendary blizzard—now "Snowmageddon" has officially been declared one of the top words of 2010. Of course, other top words include Sarah Palin's "refudiate," "spillcam," and the Jersey Shore-inspired "guido and guidette." Which only serves as a reminder of what a comprehensively silly year this was. +1

Vick-timized: Hours after signing Donovan McNabb to a five-year, $88 million contract, the Redskins were mauled by Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles on national television, losing 590-28. Er, sorry, that's 59-28; it only felt like 590. As punishment for presiding over such a debacle, we propose Redskins owner Dan Snyder be tied up in a basement and made to fight abused pit bulls. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 45 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 48

Though I never made it close to the rally itself, I positioned myself outside the John A. Wilson Building next to the electronic “Taxation Without Representation” sign that displays the amount of federal taxes we District residents pay to the federal government and flashes messages supporting D.C. statehood. Certainly, there would be some interesting reactions from the anti-Washington crowd walking past the seat of the District of Columbia government, the one that is still home to Marion Barry, our most recognizable local D.C. official to the rest of the nation.

As I sat and waited for something interesting to observe, hundreds of people displaying various Old Glory fashions, carrying “Don’t Tread on Me” flags and wearing a Jesus version of Shepard Fairey’s “HOPE” poster walked by. I sat for more than a half hour waiting for some profound moment that demonstrated how outsiders just don’t understand the city that is home to their national government.

Nothing much happened aside from a bearded man in cut-off jeans and Harley Davidson shirt who stopped in front of the Wilson Building, saying in a dumbfounded tone: “They got this nice building? Why did we give them this beautiful building?”

While the man, who quickly moved on in the direction of the U.S. Capitol, never articulated who “they” and “we” are, you can probably take a decent guess as to his stance on D.C. statehood. His comments made me feel, as someone whose family has resided in the District for 150 years, as if we here in the District are second-class citizens who must bow down to those who might claim they are the only ones with the rights to say “We the People.”

It's been pointed out that many Tea Party folks complain about how they don't have a voice in Washington, D.C., but yet don't take up our cause for full and equal representation in Congress.

Then again, we are living in a “cesspool,” don’t forget.

So, just how people turned out today? Josh Marshall of the liberal news site Talking Points Memo tweeted: “Major headline outta DC is that turnout so big at Beck event that numbers probably won't need to be fabricated.”

We’ll never know for sure because the U.S. Park Police won’t be doing a formal crowd estimate. (Since a dispute over crowd estimates from the 1996 Million Man March, the Park Police has only gauged the turn-out for the 2009 inauguration of Barack Obama as president.)

The best indicator of turn out may be Metrorail ridership for Saturday. Those numbers won’t be immediately available, but it seems like the all-time record, Obama’s inaguration day, where there were 1,120,000 rail trips, will be hard to top.

Regardless of the turn-out, the rail system was certainly crowded. Following the rally’s conclusion, people “crammed in like sardines.” During my Saturday afternoon ride from the L’Enfant Plaza station to the Foggy Bottom-GWU station on a Blue Line train, a man in a yellow “Don’t Tread on Me” T-shirt made that observation following every station stop. Welcome to Washington! We deal with sardine-like living and discomfort daily!

Despite the less-than-ideal riding conditions, everything was civil until Metro Center, when two younger African-American women were trying to make their way out through the crowded train car. Some fold-out chairs were blocking their path.

“Move! You gotta move! Don't you get it?” one of the women screamed. If the volume didn’t get everyone’s attention, her yelling of “Jesus Christ!” certainly did.

“You can get through. Just shimmy on by,” a white women, with a scowl on her face, yelled back.

“Shimmy” you say? I would have liked to have witnessed an act of shimming in the crowded conditions.

Outsiders unfamiliar with standard transit etiquette are nothing new to D.C. It’s one of our major complaints about living in the nation’s capital. But it goes with the territory. We expect such disconnects.

But sometimes, it seems, we locals are never going to understand the outsiders. And those outsiders are never going to understand us.

Semen Sprayer Struck Second Spot: Gaithersburg police now say Michael Wayne Edwards squirted semen onto a woman at a Michael's craft shop, not far from the Giant where he first debuted the strangest crime the region has seen in a while. This business of spiriting semen around in a hand-spritzer and spraying it—and then photographing the evidence—could represent the beginning of a serious arms race among D.C.'s perverts. Forget flashing or public masturbation; Edwards has brought creepy violation to a whole new low. -8

D.C. United Fires Coach, Hires Ben Olsen: Sure, when the team sits at the very bottom of the MLS rankings with a 3-12-3 record, there are clearly problems that go beyond coaching. (Like, for instance, the fact that Jaime Moreno is overdue for retirement, the utter lack of a dangerous forward presence and a frustrating string of injuries.) Still, Curt Onalfo's departure will be welcome news among most of the fans at RFK Stadium. And his replacement by Ben Olsen may mean some of the players cheer, too. Olsen was one of the grittiest players United—or MLS—ever saw. Maybe he can help them salvage the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup title out of an otherwise dismal year. As the Barra Brava will soon be singing, "We're all part of Benny's army." Or at least the 17,000 or so of us who ever go to United games are. +5

Suspected Olney Synagogue Vandal Caught: Police say Ian Jacob Baron spraypainted swastikas and anti-Jewish slogans all over B'Nai Shalom Synagogue last month. Strangely enough, they also say he's got a tattoo of an SS logo on his chest and that he identifies himself as an active neo-Nazi. Baron allegedly started confessing to a cop in an Olney McDonald's, concocting a lame attempt at an alibi ("Baron stated that his fingerprints would be on the cans used to spray-paint B’Nai Shalom. Baron stated he picked up some of the cans but that he threw the cans down when he realized what they were used for") in the process. Bumbling, incompetent Nazis are by far the best kind! +6

Sarah Palin Endorses Maryland Governor Wanna-Be: Former The Wire extra (and, oh, also former Maryland governor) Bob Ehrlich may not be cruising to the GOP nomination to run against Democratic Gov. Tommy Carcetti Martin O'Malley, after all. Out of nowhere, Sarah Palin decided to endorse investor Brian Murphy in the race instead, surprising observers and possibly shaking up the campaign. If anyone would know what D.C.'s northern neighbor needs, it's somebody who couldn't even be bothered to serve out her full term as governor of Alaska. Evidently, Palin can see Annapolis from her house, too. -6

Yesterday's Needle rating: 45 Today's score: -3 Today's Needle rating: 42

Using insightful analytical phrases like "bunch of BS" and "that kind of crap," Sarah Palin made her debut on Fox News as a commentator last night! Sorry to say: missed it. But Bill O'Reilly, on whose show Palin appeared, said later the whole thing was really "no different from interviewing Chuck Schumer." Hmm.

On the home front, D.C. has been picked as a possible host city for soccer's World Cup in 2018 or 2022. (That sounds exciting, if you care about soccer, but so have Baltimore and Philadelphia and Boston and Los Angeles and Seattle and 12 other cities. Even Tampa Bay.)

A D.C. Council committee has voted to run the city-funded Circulator bus across one river—the Potomac—but not another—the Anacostia. At-large Councilmember Kwame Brown says he'll fight the fight to get a new route that runs down Pennsylvania Avenue SE to Southern Avenue SE. In a news release, he explained he could not "in good conscious" vote to extend the bus into Virginia while D.C. residents are still waiting.

Metro is holding its third and final day of a "right-of-way" safety workshop today. “Last year we had two employees die as a result of accidents on the tracks and last month we had a train miss a safety inspector because the train operator violated safety procedures,” says Michael Taborn, Metro’s acting chief safety officer. “It is imperative that we strengthen our safety procedures for the thousands of Metro employees who have access to our tracks. Their lives are on the line each and every day.” Is three days enough?

Amen to this sentiment in today's Washington Post: "Let's stop praising Mark McGwire to the skies for finally revealing the world's worst-kept secret—that he used steroids during his storied major league career." No Hall for you!

The Pew Research Center released some interesting survey results yesterday showing that African-Americans are upbeat about African-American progress. Thirty-nine percent of blacks say the "situation of black people in this country" is better than it was five years earlier—compared to 20 percent who said the same in 2007. Fifty-four percent of blacks also said that Barack Obama's election has improved race relations (note: among whites, about a third thought his election had improved race relations, while 45 percent said it has made no difference).

I wonder: What would the survey have shown in the District?

One word: Oprah! The "queen of daytime television" will announce today she's ending her show in 2011. This is huge! Now, in case you're a little slow, let me connect the dots and tell you what's really going on here. Just this week, Sarah Palin goes on Oprah to plug her book Going Rogue even while insisting that 2012 is "not on my radar screen right now," which is what all candidates for president have to say in 2009. Oprah is all charming, as usual, and gets her biggest audience in two years! Then, just a few days later, Oprah announces that she will be leaving her show after 25 years to "start her own cable channel." Coincidence? This could really only mean one thing: Palin-Winfrey 2012! You heard it here first.

I'm sure there are skeptics out there. Yeah, Oprah endorsed Barack Obama during last year's campaign. But whatever. Remember how she didn't go out and stump for him, except, like, once? It's obvious now that this is because she is a secret political admirer of Sarah Palin. And Michelle Obama knows it (see picture).

Also, put yourself in Palin's place. Who else would you pick to be your vice presidential running mate? John McCain? He's too old, and he obviously held her back last time. Mitt Romney? Not until he changes his hair, and that doesn't seem imminent. I suppose Todd, the ex-First Dude, is a possibility. Sarah does say in her book that "God and Todd" got her where she is today, and it's not like she can put God on the ticket. Anyway, Oprah makes total sense.

In other news, NASA has confirmed that the world is not ending, at least not on Dec. 21, 2012.

Just in time for Thanksgiving, there is a shortage of canned pumpkin.

Two-thirds of American Santas are fat—and they want a swine flu shot.

Happy Friday! And catch up with me on Twitter!

Photo by woohoo120, Creative Commons Attribution License

Like locusts swarming from above, a new (pink) cupcake truck and New York-based Crumbs Bake Shop are showering the District with more overpriced, nauseatingly cute cupcakes. Does this mean we have to suffer through another dreadful Washington Post war? Matt, commenting on Prince of Petworth, says: “I see sub-prime cupcake crisis coming! Cupcake bailout?”

Undoubtedly the result of the massive cupcake crisis, WTOP reports that federal and retail positions are being inundated with an unprecedented number of job applications—some federal positions that previously attracted 25 applicants are now getting up to 400. Accompanying the article is a photo of a handsome, sneering man who is clearly thinking: “You won't even get a job at a cupcake place! Have fun decorating your cardboard box, intern.”

The city is distributing more than 122,000 plastic reusable bags to low-income residents to prepare them for the 5-cent bag fee that goes into effect Jan. 1. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty says it’s for the “Skip the Bag, Save the River” campaign, but really it’s due to the massive cupcake shortage! Start stockpiling those crumbs!

Americans are rediscovering frugality and spending money only on life’s staples: specifically, canned beans and Sarah Palin's memoir, which was officially released yesterday. Clearly, the cupcake-crazed are already going rogue.

And finally, the New York Daily News offers evidence that Clint Eastwood is not very impressed by the rogue cupcake crisis: He lamented to GQ that “it seems like our country is in kind of a morbid mood because of the recession or whatever…we have a bunch of teenage twits.”

Photo by Bev, Creative Commons Attribution License

But I must say that it was Continetti who grabbed me this morning, right from the start of his piece. If ever there was a perfect lede, this was it:

Like a lot of people, as soon as I got my copy of Sarah Palin's "Going Rogue," I immediately thought of the German literary critic Hans Robert Jauss.

At that moment, I mind-melded with Continetti, because that's the very reaction I have when I pick up just about any book. When I recently finished off Hank Stuever's delightful Tinsel, all I could think of was Jauss. Sure, I was thinking of Tammie and Blake and Caroll and Marissa and all the other great characters in Stuever's narrative, but it was Jauss that really preoccupied me.

Last night, I grabbed Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. I began reading about such child behavior-influencing techniques as redirection and distraction, not to mention the important distinctions between praise and encouragement. But I was really obsessing the whole time over the teachings of none other than Jauss. He provided the frame of reference for the entire affair. Yup, Jauss.

Same dynamic applied to this morning's newspaper reading. I was checking out the Post's stories on the closing of the Washington Blade and about the killing of a 9-year-old in Columbia Heights. People like Lou Chibbaro Jr. and Ward 1 Councilmember Jim Graham were mentioned in those stories. And they were so overshadowed, yet again, by Jauss.

Like a lot of people, I just wander around thinking about nothing but Jauss. I've got to get together with Continetti and talk some Jauss.

Today I leave the best job I ever had, and that counts a brief stint at Trader Joe's where I tried to get health care after knocking over several cases of Two Buck Chuck with my ass. As asst. managing editor at Washington City Paper for the past two and half years, my job has been mostly plumbing, behind the walls, keeping things running without a nasty backup. But one cannot be merely a plumber and still be employed at an award-winning alternative weekly decimated by its ownership in the digital age. One has to blog.

I know all of you loyal City Desk readers have been following my posts with great vigor. And, so, as my parting gift to you, I give you the highlights of my tenure here (critters, baking, dudes living in their basements, Michael Phelps, D.C. brunch culture [FYI: It still sucks], and did I mention Michael Phelps?), as well as a super sappy goodbye.

First, I want to thank all of the commenters who agree with me regarding Sarah Palin and her inferiority to owls. Because do you know what? Owls are awesome and Sarah Palin is not. I stand by my original post. If you like that one—and so many of you did—I would encourage you to please check out my ongoing reportage on critters, including the saga of Lucy the Ninja Dog, ways coyote piss can rid this city of rats, and the adorable cuteness of this bedbug-sniffing beagle.

There were also a number of you who could not hold back the love when it came to my take on brunch. For the record: I am not leaving D.C. because of my hatred of its brunch culture. But it never entered the plus column. And, although I continue to believe what I wrote, I recently discovered that the city I am moving to has a "jazz brunch." So it seems this paticular sort of suck is not limited to the D.C. metropolitan area. I plan to take down brunch culture in greater Missoula, Mont., in the next incarnation of my career, so stay tuned.

And, unlike this guy, I do plan to have a career that takes me very far away from both my parents' basement and Brazillian "game." Thanks, Roosh V, for the memories.

But if my life as a brunch-taker-downer falls flat, I can always fall back on my many successes as a baker. I just don't know if the Marcello Goldberger Brown Sugar Chocolate Chunk Cookie will have a wider audience.

I do know that I have had the opportunity at City Paper to work with amazing, talented, tough people who make me laugh and challenge me as a journalist and who made me love my job. Among them are the above gentlemen, pictured hanging out in my old cube: Joe Eaton, Jason Cherkis, and Darrow Montgomery. I especially want to thank my bosses, Andrew Beaujon and Erik Wemple. I have never worked for finer people. I now join a cast of alumni who've left reluctantly, realizing it probably doesn't get any better than this.

Looking back on my work here, it's possible that blogging may not have been the strong suit for an old gal who started in newsrooms that didn't have Internet, but I didn't come here to become a great blogger.

I came here to be a part of something great. And I was. Thank you, colleagues and readers, for all of it.

• Minnesota has finally come to its senses and decided that Al Franken will be its second senator.  It only took the ballot counters and lawyers eight months to figure that out.  The former Saturday Night Live writer will take his seat following the July 4th recess.  Franken will be the 60th Democrat in the Senate, making it possible for the party to break a Republican filibuster but he wants everyone to know that he's not looking to block legislation on a regular basis.

• An FDA advisory panel is trying to make life more painful for patients.  Literally.  They recommended a ban on Vicodin and Percocet because the high levels of acetaminophen can negatively affect the liver.  The panel also wants a decrease in daily dosages of acetaminophen, as well as the dosage per pill and the number of pills per container.  The active pain-relieving ingredient in medicines such as NyQuil, Tylenol, and Excedrin, acetaminophen might kill your liver but the pain might make it worth it.

• Brightest Young Things spotted the first Real World cast members walking through town today.  How?  The two girls were followed by five camera people.  Way to blend in, MTV, way to blend in.

• We Love DC apparently still loves the city, even after reporting on a supposed dognapping outside the P Street Whole Foods on Sunday night.  Molly, a 4 year old Vizla, was tied up outside and when her owner came back, she was gone.  Normally, this would be the cause for posters and neighborhood email lists, but ever since NBC4 picked it up on their website, Molly has become Logan Circle's cause.  I think this is what Arianna Huffington was referring to when she referred to "citizen journalism."

• And just when she thought we forgot about her, Sarah Palin has returned to the news with another audacious claim.  This time, she thinks she can beat President Obama in a foot race.  "I betcha I'd have more endurance," the killa from Wasilla told Runner's World magazine.  The White House is not commenting, but perhaps a pit bull would be a better opponent for the former vice-presidential nominee.  The president is a little bit busy trying to pull troops out of Baghdad and push gay people into the military.