***

The Great Dan Steinberg posts a Great Video of Ryan Zimmerman talking up D.C. United to promote next week's U.S. Open Cup championship game.

You know the U.S. Open Cup, right? That's the one where to get to the finals United had to march through neighborhood powerhouses like the Ocean City (N.J.) Barons, the Harrisburg (Pa.) City Islanders, and the Rochester (N.Y.) Rhinos, in games played at a suburban community center field.

It appears that before the promo shoot Zimmerman hit the quaalude table in the green room hard.

Either that, or like the rest of the world he can't even fake enthusiasm for the U.S. Open Cup.

AFTER THE JUMP: Keith Urban fans don't know who Ryan Zimmerman is? There is no "I" in arson? Paul Farhi goes ground-and-pound on Dan Snyder? Nats win!? Nats win!?

(Speaking of Zimmerman: I went to see country superstar Keith Urban last week at Verizon Center. He changed the lyrics of one of his many hits to include "Nationals," and told the crowd he'd gone to see the Nationals play the night before and that he'd sat in seats provided by Ryan Zimmerman. The fan response to all Urban's Nats references was equal and, well, non-existent. It was sad. Urban might as well have talked up the U.S. Cup.)

(Speaking of urban: Perhaps the chance at living closer to the SoccerPlex, host of so many of United's U.S. Cup clashes, motivated Steinberg to abandon D.C. for the Maryland suburbs. Nothing else makes sense!)

***

Nobody shows up for class reunions like football stars. But what if you burned down your high school -- like, really burned it down? And what if your burning down your school meant your classmates had to spend most of their senior year shuttled around town to finish up at rival schools that weren't burned down by football stars?

Then, do you show up for your reunion?

Well, the Class of '79 at Fort Hunt High School held its 30-year reunion.

Matt Musolino didn't show, according to organizers.

Musolino was a star fullback on the 1978 Fort Hunt team that won the Gunston District title. His partner in the backfield, Rocky Belk, went on to star at Miami. Musolino was going to get a free ride to Louisiana Tech.

But then he burned down his school.

Musolino was one of three kids convicted of arson for the December 1978 fire that knocked Fort Hunt High out of commission. He told the Washington Post shortly after the trials that he went to his father's service station on Route 1 and got the gas for the molotov cocktails that they used to torch the school during a night of drinking over Christmas break. (Must have been something in the water in that area: In 1971, Fort Hunt Elementary was burned down by students, too.) To add a touch of Shakespeare to what was really just a dirtball prank gone horribly wrong: Musolino's uncle was a successful architect who had designed the school.

A million kids from our generation had probably boasted about burning down their school just like the Fort Hunt kids did --  That's the climactic scene in the Ramones' "Rock and Roll High School," ain't it? But these guys went out and did it.

I was a senior at Falls Church High the same year, and the burners were instant folk heroes among the dazed and confused adolescents in my small Northern Virginia circle.

But, don't try this at home, kids: These guys all got caught and did jail time, and they screwed up the lives of all their classmates, who had to finish the year at rival Groveton and never got to go back to Fort Hunt.

The other moral of Musolino's story, of course, is that if you do burn down your school, you won't show up for your 30-year reunion. Even if you were a football star.

***

Sally Jenkins' write-up of Little League World Series creepiness hit home with me. When I was in Little League, I practiced hard to be like Bert Blyleven. I didn't care to match the Twins' pitcher's famous curveball, Lord Charles I think they called it back then. No, I spent hours and hours trying to spit like Bert Blyleven spit from the mound during an NBC Game of the Week broadcast. And after a whole summer, I could shoot a stream of saliva a good distance without any noticeable movement of facial muscles, and without a sound. I still find myself spitting whenever I walk on grass fields. Sad but true.

Guess the ballplayers really are role models.

***

Also yesterday, Washington Post writer Paul Farhi's regular chat with his readers about local radio ("Station Break") turned into a head-to-toe bashing of all things Dan Snyder.

Farhi and his flock went after Lindsay Czarniak for wearing licensed Redskins apparel, after WRC for airing all those Redskins infomercials, after concession prices and parking and pretty much everything at FedExField, after management of Six Flags, after his deal with StubHub, etc.

It was less a chat than a stoning. And no stone was left unthrown.

By the time the Snyder crushing was over, there wasn't any time left to talk about radio.

But, if Snyder's looking for something to cling to, Farhi did have nice things to say about "Valkyrie." Now there's a zig instead of zag!

(Radio update Snyder might like: The must-surf dc media site DCRTV, meanwhile, posted a new batch of Portable People Meter radio rankings that show Snyder's WTEM beating rival new sportstalker WJFK. Tho, with WTEM in 19th place in the market, and WJFK the 20th most listened to station, neither's lighting up the market.)

***

Nats crush the next-to-last team to fire Jim Riggleman. I'm going on vacation.

***

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image courtesy of ultimatecheerleaders.com

Dan Snyder talked to the Associated Press about his 10 years as an NFL owner.

We've heard most of it before: Snyder was young when he got the team, which is the only reason he made mistakes (charging for training camp, hiring Steve Spurrier) that everybody else would have made, too. But he's learned and now it's all good.

But the blah-blah-blah ends when Snyder moans that all the good deeds he's done as Skins owner have "been overlooked, absolutely." And we're told he's really a great human being, the proof being that Snyder "received the Community MVP Award at the Washington Football Legends for Charity banquet."

Hmmm. I'd never heard of that award or group before. But with a little surfing, it turns out "Washington Football Legends for Charity"does exist, and that the "Platinum Sponsor" of the organization, meaning a provider in the top tier of funding for the Football Legends' one and only function, the very one where Snyder was confirmed as a local Gandhi, was the Washington Redskins Charitable Foundation.

Wait! I know THAT group! It's headed by....Dan Snyder!

AFTER THE JUMP: Guaranteed Win Night II comes in? Will there be a Guaranteed Win Night III? Sure, Michael Vick's rotten, but would he spit on his mom? Thom Loverro crowns the King? DC Armor is looking for a few good women?

Geezus Chrysler! Wonder how that MVP voting went down!

But, more power to Snyder. If I funded the Nobel committee, you better believe there wouldn't be room on my mantel for ANOTHER peace prize.

***

Nats win!

Back to us: Guaranteed Win Night comes in again!

Had the Great Dan Steinberg the doofus who bet $20 on the Nats over the weekend simply waited until Tuesday's Guaranteed Win Night I, then let it ride on Guaranteed Win Night II last night, he'd be sitting on 80 Large right now, instead of fondling a bum betting slip.

The Nats are suddenly a different club. Look at the proof: Last night, Ryan Zimmerman made a diving stab, got up, and DIDN'T THROW THE BALL TO A DUDE IN ROW Z!  And then Josh Willingham was so concerned about getting a triple to complete his cycle that he ran up Nick Johnson's patootie at third base, but HE DIDN'T GET THROWN OUT GOING BACK TO SECOND!

Face facts, friends: There's something happening here, and what it is is exactly clear.

It's the fight song!

What will someday be known as The Streak of '09 got started, remember, when Cheap Seats Daily made Little Jimmy Riggleman's Richard Montgomery High School cheer, Thunderation, the Official Cheer of the Washington Nationals. And, knowing that magic would ensue, we began sponsoring Guaranteed Win Nights.

The first two are in the books. Now things get tough. Here comes St. Louis. Hmmm...Rather than risk the mojo, should we put the Guaranteed Win Night gimmick on the shelf, til the Central Division leading Cards leave town?

Hell no! Instead, we sing again:

Thunder, Thunder, Thunderation
We’re the Rockets Delegation
When we fight with determination
We create a soul sensation!

And we sponsor Guaranteed Win Night III tonight against St. Louis! So go bet the mortgage and then some* on Riggleman's squad! If the Nats don't win, the rest of the year is free!

***

Mike Wise has a radio show, a column and a dog. He says and writes that Michael Vick should get to play football now. I would bet almost all NFL owners would say the same thing if cornered.

But that doesn't mean any of them will sign the guy.

***

If Wise's story doesn't put you in enough of a downer mood, then this one sentence, from a story about the recent arrest of Donnie Baseball's son, Taylor Mattingly, should do the trick: "Mattingly admitted he pushed his mother down and spit on her."

***

The great Thom Loverro writes up an amazing appreciation of King Corcoran, a former University of Maryland quarterback/bon vivant and "a poor man's Namath" who died in Takoma Park recently. I really wish I would have come across this guy.

***

Looks like the DC Armor, despite horrendous attendance and a lousy record in their first year indoors, will return in 2010. At least, the squad's dance team, the Body Armor, has taken out a want ad on UltimateCheerleaders.com for a choreographer for next season. Interested parties should have a "hip hop/jazz" background, "at least five years of coaching experience," and "open availability on the weekends." Candidates with an unlimited tolerance for watching the home team just get whupped will be shown preference.

***

*Don't really bet the mortgage and then some, dumbass...Unless you've got a big enough mattress to hide all your winnings under, that is!

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Bottom line: The squad came out of the All-Star break in midseason form.

***

Local newspapering doesn't get any better than when KidsPost gets all sportsy and righteousy. So it was yesterday as Fred Bowen used the firing of Manny Acta as a teachable moment:

"It's always a shame when someone gets blamed for something that's not his fault," counsels KidsPost.

But after giving that sage advice to all the little boys and girls, Bowen turns into Krusty the Klown and just plain rails about the Nats as if the team owes him money:

(AFTER THE JUMP: Bowen blames Bowden? More more more on Jim Riggleman's Thunderation cheer? We now know where Marvcus Patton is, but what about the other guy? McEnroe being McEnroe?)

If you don't believe [it's not Acta's fault that the Nats blow], ask yourself this simple question: What Nationals player has proven himself to be better than the average major league starter at his position?

I'd say Ryan Zimmerman, the Nationals' only all-star, is better than the average starter at third base. But who is there after that? Cristian Guzmán at shortstop or Adam Dunn in left field or Nick Johnson at first base?

Well, Guzmán almost never gets a walk (only seven bases on balls in 72 games), Dunn can't field and Johnson gets hurt nearly every season. In addition, the Nats' pitching is awful."

Got that, kids? Blame Jim Bowden!

***

Cheap Seats Daily chooses to scape another goat for the Nats' woes: The lack of a good cheer! And so we will continue making noise about adopting Jim Riggleman's old Richard Montgomery High School fight song.

For those not among the tens of people who've read CSD this week -- and we know you're out there! -- here's how the song went during Riggleman's (Class of '70) day:

Thunder, Thunder, Thunderation
We’re the Rockets Delegation
When we fight with determination
We create a soul sensation!

And there's really only one reason we harp: The fight song works!

Take this from the baseball team's section of an RMHS's yearbook during Riggleman's stay at the Rockville school:

In the 21 years that Coach Henry Miles has been directing the baseball team at Richard Montgomery, he has never had a losing season and the 1969 season was no exception. The team finished in second place with a fine 9-5 record in league play and 9-6 overall. The leading batter, with an average of .318, was Gary Paquet, who also showed a fine glove at shortstop. Other batters who showed a fine bat at the plate were: Jimmy Riggleman at .297, Kenny Bell at .268 and Dan Groves at .256. R.M.'s pitching staff was the "meat and potatoes" of the team, led by Pat Pontius, who was the best pitcher in the county with an earned run average of 0.75 and a 6-1 pitching record. The other pitchers were: Bill Harrison (1-3); Tim Zetts (2-1); and Lee Branthover (0-1).

NOT ONE LOSING SEASON in 21 years of "Thunderation!" Heck, along with bringing back the Rockets fight song, why not bring back Coach Henry Miles? And Pat Pontius! He was the best pitcher in the county! With an earned run average of 0.75 and a 6-1 pitching record!

Get the band back together, Jimmy Riggleman!

(But, um, don't tell Bill Harrison (1-3) or Lee Branthover (0-1), please.)

And furthermore...the same Thunderation cheer, stolen as it was (FROM THE GIRL SCOUTS!), was used by the Richard Montgomery football team at the time. And how'd the gridiron squad do with it? SIX undefeated seasons from 1959 to 1969!

Six!

The cheer-less Nats rarely enjoy an undefeated evening!

Bring back "Thunderation," Jimmy Riggleman!

***

A bizarre where-are-they-now? situation that should interest Redskins fans is taking place in Northern Virginia. The story surrounds the disappearance of a Osama El-Atari. El-Atari was known around Ashburn as the young guy with tons of money who drove between all the restaurants he owned in a Lamborghini or a Hummer. Well, El-Atari and his vehicles disappeared lately, and it looks like all the gains were ill-gotten, with bogus insurance claims being among his alleged scams. When he disappeared, El-Atari owed millions to creditors. And when Fox-5 reporter and basketball stud Wisdom Martin went looking for him at an Original Steakhouse thought to be owned by El-Atari, folks there told him he was in the wrong place.

"Our owner is Marvcus Patton," restaurant employees told Martin.

I don't give a rip where El-Atari is. But it's good to see Marvcus, a former Skins linebacker, has ended up doing OK for himself. Despite having to grow up with one of the worst first names of all time and playing here during the woebegone Norv Turner Era, Marvcus always seemed like a great guy.

But seriously: Marvcus? What were his parents thinking?

***

John McEnroe came, saw and conquered the Washington Kastles last night, 20-19, in a match decided by something called a Supertiebreaker. Geez. I'm going to withhold interest until World Team Tennis schedules doubleheaders with roller derby.

***

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Crazy talk, you say? Well, not if the official scorekeepers working the Nats/Marlins series in Miami are historians.

On Tuesday night, Ryan Zimmerman was charged with three errors -- a third baseman's shat trick, you could say. But before yesterday's game, scorekeepers officially changed one of Zimmerman's three boo-boos to a hit. The revised ruling apparently holds that the Marlins' Hanley Ramirez would have beaten out the ground ball to Zimmerman even if the Nats' Face of the Franchise hadn't bobbled and thrown the ball over 1B Nick Johnson's head.

Zimmerman thanked the revisionist scorekeepers for their gift by cleanly fielding the first ball hit his way in last night's game and throwing it over Johnson's head.

Hans Blix had no comment.

The piece has some likely suspects -- David Geffen and Google, among them.

But the most intriguing and, for us locals, scariest of the alleged Times takeoverers?

Howard Milstein.

Yes, THAT Howard Milstein.

The Howard Milstein who a decade ago tried to buy the Redskins at the Jack Kent Cooke estate sale! The Howard Milstein who brought Dan Snyder into the fold to give him the local color he thought would get him approved! The Howard Milstein who had too many enemies at NFL headquarters and got kicked out of the buying process! The Howard Milstein who then stepped aside and watched as his former partner took over the buying process!

THE HOWARD MILSTEIN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR DAN SNYDER OWNING THE REDSKINS!

Whew.

According to the Fortune piece, Milstein, identified simply as "a New York-based financier," has been "buying shares" of NY Times stock.

Run for your lives, New York Times readers!

Or, maybe, just renew your subscription and give subscriptions to all your relatives so the Sulzbergers don't have to sell.

Just don't say we didn't warn you...

***

Those streaky Nationals are at it again!

Ryan Zimmerman's hitting skein ended at 30, but the team has picked up where the Face of the Franchise (is that a compliment any more?) left off: The Nats haven't won since Zimmerman's streak stopped, and go for their sixth loss in a row tonight against Pittsburgh.

Back to feel-good streaks: Tonight the Nats will start Shairon Martis, who is 5-0 (really!) and will have to arm wrestle Zimmerman for the team's one set-aside slot at the All-Star game.

***

At Pimlico on Friday I ran into the RoboVendor, Perry Hahn. He was at the track selling Black Eyed Susans by the tray on Black Eyed Susan Day.

Hahn is up there with the most fascinating folks I've ever come across in my years of typing. He got a mechanical engineering degree from Maryland, but has devoted his working life to vending mostly beer at mostly sporting events.

Hahn was planning on going to the Nationals game that night after racing, and he had worked the Nats game a day earlier. He travels the country for Super Bowls and rock festivals and anywhere else a dispenser for hire is needed.

"I'm averaging more than one event per day now," says Hahn, 47.

Hahn is much more than merely a workaholic alcohol vendor, however.

In the early 1990s, back when stadiums sold beer in cans but wouldn't let customers keep the cans, Hahn decided to put his engineering brains to work. He designed what the US Patent and Trademark Office calls a "Tandem High Speed Can Opener," as well as U.S. Patent  #5,228,203. The gadget rips the tops off of two beer cans simultaneously and in a nano-second, which eliminates the need to flip the flip-tops and allows the beer man to empty the beer into cups in no time flat.

Hahn told me back in the day he could open and pour a case of beer cans in one minute.

Fans at Camden Yards noticed him wearing the battery-powered mechanical device on his wrist and dubbed him RoboVendor. Most stadiums have gone to selling plastic bottles, and Hahn designed another machine to twist the caps off of two bottles at a time.

I asked him the other day what his biggest vending day ever was, and, while he didn't give me a dollar figure, he did say it came at a Harley Davidson party in Milwaukee.

(By bizarre coincidence, I'm pretty sure the pair of hands selling beers in the Washington Post's slide show of Saturday's Preakness, with a contraption attached, belong to my guy Perry Hahn! See for yourself -- photo #4 in the sequence.)

***

The NBA's draft lottery is tonight.

The Wizards, with the second worst record in the league, have a 17.8 chance of getting the number one overall pick. If they get it, we'll talk even more about Kwame Brown.

For all the badmouthing Brown gets around here -- he's Heath Shuler in shorts and no helmet, essentially -- he's still in the league, with Detroit. And he averaged 17 minutes and five rebounds a game this season, so he'll be back somewhere.

Can you be rightly called a bust if you last nine years?

***

My hero Robin Ficker is running for office today in the race for the District 4 seat on the Montgomery County council.

His politics are as odd as his antics at the old Capital Centre, but I'm pulling for Ficker. If he gets in, he'll do enough wacky stuff to fill several columns.

If it was really a race and these folks really ran, Ficker wins, no problem. He still runs up and down the Cole Field House steps a few times a week to stay in shape.

He can even run there on Sundays now that he's dumped his Redskins season tickets.

***

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A little after 7:30 p.m., a shot from Pittsburgh's Sergei Gonchar goes off bodies in front of the net and Sidney Crosby pushes the loose puck in. Eight seconds of playing time later, Penguin Craig Adams scores his first career playoff goal. It's 2-0, but the game, series and season feel over.

In one rotten hour, what had been a fab month in local sports was over.

When's Redskins camp open?

***

Ted Leonsis always talks about the "10-step plan" that the Caps have been following. He means the rebuilding scheme that got them to verge of a conference final for the first time in 11 years.

But last night, an early victim of his plan came back to bite him.

In 2004, with his team losing most games and eight-figures a year, Leonsis got GM George McPhee to trade or release every name player but Olaf Kolzig. One of the dumpees was Sergei Gonchar, a former first-round Caps pick, who was sent to the Boston Bruins for Shaone Morrisonn.

Morrisonn is the guy who took a dumb penalty midway through the first period, and midway through the power play Gonchar set up Crosby for the game's first goal. Pittsburgh never looked back.

Amazingly, the main topic on WJFK's postgame show was on how quickly McPhee should be fired.

***

The Washington Post reports the Washington Wizards held a pre-draft workout for Marquette guard Wes Matthews. His dad, also Wes Matthews, was a first-round pick for the old Bullets in 1980, ending a three-year run of busts in which the team used their top pick on, in order, Roger Phegley, Joe DeSantis and Matthews.

Abe Pollin's loyalty was such that he let General Manager Bob Ferry keep his job for another 10 years.

***

Girl vs. Boys: The filly Rachel Alexandra will not only compete against the world's best three-year-old colts in Saturday's Preakness, she'll be expected to beat them.

The track released its opening betting line yesterday, and Rachel Alexandra, who didn't run in the Kentucky Derby, was atop it at 8-5.

Derby winner Mine That Bird is the second choice in the 13-horse field at 6-1.

***

Speaking of the Freakness: The New York Times ran a story about the end of BYOB at the Preakness. Both Cheap Seats readers will find nothing new in the article, but the accompanying photo is Pulitzer worthy.

And if that shot doesn't make you nostalgic for the Running of the Urinals, there's no hope for you.

***

Don't Speak Ill of the Deadskins. In a fine thread called "Least Favorite Redskin of All Time" on the team-owned message board, posters recalled the players they most wished had never worn burgundy and gold.

Among the usual suspects -- Deion Sanders, Michael Westbrook, Heath Shuler -- a poster going by Leopard11 chimed in with "Dan Turk."

The poster was still mad that Turk, a mostly dependable former long snapper from 1997-1999, made a bad snap in the last minute of a 1999 playoff game against Tampa Bay.

Somebody must have informed Leopard11 that Turk died of testicular cancer less than a year after the miscue, prompting this retraction:

i take that back Dan Turk was not a bad player just made one bad snap not a biggie but was a playoff game. I totally take that back he was a good Redskin.

***

Davids don't always whup Goliaths: Last night Bishop Ireton lost its lead to Paul VI and a chance at a rare athletic championship in the conclusion of a game suspended on Monday because of weather.

Playing in the WCAC, the powerful DC-area Catholic schools league, Ireton over the last 40 years has won just four titles in all boys sports -- three in soccer and one in lacrosse. Yet Ireton was leading Paul VI 3-2 in the top of the sixth inning of the WCAC baseball championship, played in Bowie on Monday, when the skies opened up and umps called off play.

Standard rules call for a game to be declared official after five innings, so Ireton normally would have been granted the biggest win in the school's history and its first baseball crown. But before the title game, coaches agreed that because of the stakes they'd play a full seven innings no matter what.

And when the teams gathered again last night in Annandale to take it from the top of the sixth, or top of the VIth, Ireton quickly lost its lead and the game, 4-3.

Again, this being the Catholic schools league, you'd think the Man Upstairs wouldn't play favorites. But Paul VI coach Billy Emerson apparently takes Monday's timely rainshowers as a hint that God was on his side's side.

"We kind of thought the Lord was looking out for us because he stopped momentum right there,” Emerson told dcsportsfan.com.

Clearly.

***

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First off: Ted Leonsis somehow wasn't included among hockey's best. If there's ever been a more beloved sports owner in this town than Leonsis circa 2009, I can't remember him.

Hard to believe it's only been five years since Leonsis was brawling with home fans at Caps game, eh?

But he was. Days after he unloaded Jaromir Jagr and his $11 million salary to the Rangers in January 2004 in the midst of a talent purge, a 20-year-old season ticket holder named Jason Hammer brought a sign to the then-MCI Center that said "Caps Hockey, AOL Stock -- See a Pattern?"

Hammer sat among a group of fans heckling the owner, and waved the placard at Leonsis throughout the game. Leonsis got so incited he went after the kid in the concourse after the final horn. The account of the incident in the Washington Post said Leonsis "grabbed [Hammer] by the neck and threw him to the ground."

The only things wounded during the melee, however, were Leonsis' public image and his wallet. Leonsis was fined $100,000 and suspended for a week by the NHL, made up quickly with the kid (without any litigation), and the talent purge worked out fabulously for his team: The Capitals went to the bottom of the league gave them the draft pick used to get Alex Ovechkin.

And, once again, Leonsis is beloved. The diehardest New York Rangers fan I know around here has become a Caps fan after, he, too, fell for Leonsis.

How could Sports Illustrated leave Leonsis off the list?

***

Now to the other side: Dan Snyder came in at No. 3 on roster of bad football owners. Nothing man-bites-dog about that. Snyder is to these shitlists like Meryl Streep is to Oscar nominations. Of COURSE he's gonna be named! But it's gotta burn Snyder that Steve Bisciotti from just up I-95 made the "best" list. Kinda mutes the "Give Mr. Snyder time to learn how to be a good owner!" defense.

***

The Lerners came in at No. 5 among baseball's worst, but only because they're new owners. With the non-rent paying, non-draft-pick-signing brilliance they flaunted last season, the Lerners clearly have what it takes to supplant the No. 1 bad guy, Peter Angelos, on future SI polls.

***

If soccer was considered a major enough sport by Sports Illustrated, DC would have been a cinch for that sport's lousy owner list, too.

It's clear now that DC United's Victor MacFarlane, a San Francisco-based developer, only bought into the holding group that controls the team so he could get some building deals here.

That ain't happened yet, and looks like it won't ever. And United management's public whining is getting really irksome. Take it inside, guys.

***

One last SI List bit: Mark Cuban came in as the third best basketball owner in the land. If the SI issue had been published a week later, given what happened in the Dallas/Denver game a few days ago, no way the Mavericks boss makes the cut.

Awesome Trivia about Mark Cuban: He was a massive stockholder in Six Flags, and promoted Snyder's takeover of the company.

This from BusinessWeek in early 2006, shortly after Snyder's Six Flags coup:

Another investor, tech billionaire Mark Cuban, is cheering Six Flags almost as loudly as he does his Dallas Mavericks. "They've shown they know how to create great entertainment," Cuban writes about Snyder and [CEO Mark] Shapiro in an e-mail.

Buh huh huh huh...

***

Happy 30th to Ryan Zimmerman. When you're chasing DiMaggio, life begins at 30...

***

Cheerios are in trouble with the federal government. The feds sent General Mills a letter telling them to stop saying in advertising that the cereal "can Lower Your Cholesterol" and can cure cancer.

So how long before The Man goes after Snyder for his latest direct mail campaign to sell tickets? Snyder's marketing mailer claims season ticket holders can "Resell your tickets at a profit via StubHub for any game you are unable to attend!”

Bah. Not with 91,000 seats and an average of less than 8 wins since Snyder took over in 1999.

Snyder's ads also say buying season tickets for the Redskins is a "once in a lifetime opportunity."

Sure it is...in Opposite Land!

But in the real world, given how demand for Skins tickets has sunk, the only way it's a once in a lifetime opportunity is if you don't eat enough Cheerios and your cholesterol level and/or cancer prevent you from sticking around till next season.

***

The Wizards (remember them?) left an impression on somebody. Or maybe a bruise. An Akron paper praises the noble way Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers are winning, while putting forth the Washington Wizards as Goofus to James' Gallant. James gets kudos for "never resorting" to the roughhouse tactics opponents tried last year, "when DeShawn Stevenson took a vicious swing at James' head as he went for a layup."

At least somebody's talking about the Wizards. Just not around here.

***

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That's how Caps' play-by-play man Steve Kolbe ended his awesome call of David Steckel's game winner last night from Pittsburgh.

Nothing like OT playoff hockey on the radio.

The game started lousy for the eventual winners. At the end of the 1st period, with the Caps down 1-0 and trailing the Penguins in shots on goal 18-5, the Kolbe and, particularly, his booth partner Ken Sabourin, sounded resigned to a bad ending.

"The Penguins got help from the official on that one. Check's in the mail!" said Sabourin after Kris Letang's goal gave Pittsburgh a 3-2 lead early in the third period. His point was that a referee had deflected the puck right to Letang, and was clearly on the take.

"Check's in the mail!" is what you want from the home crew!

The Caps scored twice over the next 88 seconds.

Steckel's shot snapped the franchise's long losing streak in playoff overtime games and kept 'em alive to tighten up the 1-7 record in playoff series with Pittsburgh.

But, that's the past. Once again: Doesn't this year just feel different?

We'll find out tomorrow. I'll be listening.

***
The Caps' post-game show, aired on WJFK during the playoffs, isn't for everybody: An earnest and nervous caller said he wanted to "give props" to the Capitals only to have the rest of his garbled goodwill message cut off mid-thought.

The hosts, led by Jonathan Warner, announced that only callers 18 years old and older are allowed on the air and quickly hit the next line.

Within seconds an older and unsober sounding dude was yelling "Me and my wife, man, our heads literally went through the roof!" He got to say his whole piece.

Yes, the airwaves are an adult domain.

***

Ryan Zimmerman's at 29. Half-Dimaggio plus one!

***

Is there turmoil in Georgetown sports?

Yesterday Hoyas Athletic Director Bernard Muir announced he'd be leaving the Hoyas to take a job at the University of Delaware.

On paper, doesn't seem like a parallel move. Muir's new title will be Director of Athletics and Recreation Services.

"Recreation Services"?

Sounds like Muir's job description just went from overseeing one of the NCAA's highest profile basketball programs to making sure the Ultimate Frisbee field in Greek Circle gets watered.

Muir's leaving comes just as Hoyas e-fanzines are buzzing about the departure of Robert Burke, a Georgetown assistant basketball coach and head coach John Thompson III's longtime court partner.

Burke played alongside JT III at Gonzaga, coached with him at Princeton and came to Georgetown at the same time in 2004.

The school has not announced that Burke is leaving. And until an official reason is given, the message boarders will provide their own rationales.

Posters at mdhigh.com, a high-volume rivals.com site, have attributed Burke's departure to game strategy and recruiting problems, and some sort of squabbles between the program and Curtis Malone, the idolmaker behind DC Assault, one of the strongest AAU programs in the country.

There are also alleged sub-plots involving David Falk, the super-agent who has historically represented a lot of Georgetown talent.

Maybe, in the end, we'll find out it's just because Georgetown beat most of the top teams in the country early on, then lost 12 of its last 16 games.

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Just as the Have Nots were on the verge of Having, Mother Nature threw a curveball.

Bishop Ireton of Alexandria has won just four boys athletics titles in the Catholic schools conference, now called the WCAC, in the last 40 years: three in soccer and one in lacrosse.

None have come since 1994.

But last night, in WCAC's baseball championship game, Ireton was up a run over Paul VI in the sixth inning. With the biggest sporting accomplishment in the school's history within sight, the clouds opened up, and umpires suspended the game.

DCSPORTSFAN.COM says the replay is tomorrow night. Because of the 48-hour rain delay, Paul VI will be able to put its ace pitcher, who was resting last night, back on the mound.

God has both dogs in this fight. But if Taylor Swift has any say, Ireton's a cinch.

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Michael Phelps is back!

In the tabloids, that is. A Baltimore stripper named Theresa White has sold her tale of three-way romance with the Olympic swimmer to News of the World.

If you believe the news, he's spent all his time since Beijing banging or bonging.

But his stamina remains world class, says Stripper Theresa.

***

Roger Clemens' nickname was Rocket, not Rocket Scientist.

Clemens showed up this morning on "Mike and Mike" on WTEM, where the pitcher plead his innocence by saying "my stepdad" had heart disease, so therefore it would be "suicidal" to "take any of these dangerous drugs."

Your step-dad can give you swine flu, Rocket. But not heart disease.

***

Wonder how Roger would do on the Wonderlic? Take it yourself.

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I still can't find any Nats-related radio or non-cable TV coverage around here.

But Saturday's national broadcast ABC's evening news took time away from reporting on the Obama/Chavez soul shake/thumb war and the heroification of those poor bozos who got pirated by teenage Somalian druggies for some real man-bites-dog material: a segment on the misspellings on the home jerseys of Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn.

The usual suspects on the local scene were already all over VowelGate.

But only in a special season -- the sort of season where 3-run 9th inning leads are blown twice in a weekend - would the mainstream network folks notice this sorta stuff.

This, friends, is going to be a special season.