Tom Boswell

The latest break: Yesterday's Boswell column, written after Day One of the Roger Clemens trial, predicted direness out the wazoo for the allegedly steroidal pitcher.

The lede:

When Roger Clemens walked into Courtroom 16 of the District’s federal courthouse Wednesday, he saw a long, wood-paneled room with seats for jurors and, at the far end, the tall chair of U.S. District Judge Reggie B. Walton — about 60 feet 6 inches away.

If Clemens didn’t shiver, he has no grasp of the odds against getting out of this jam.

Fab writing, as usual. Boswell went on to wonder if  "a jury can deliver a verdict of really, really, really guilty?" and said after the opening statement from the prosecution and all the "incriminating physical evidence of stupefying quantity to support its perjury charges, I was ready to bake Roger a large cake with a hacksaw inside it."

Well, bake that cake, TB.

But hold the hacksaw!

As the world now knows, the ink on Boswell's typing was barely dry before Judge Reggie B. Walton threw out the government's case.

The columnist's words haven't become so obsolete so fast since Boswell's summary on what Joe Gibbs' intentions were at the end of the Washington Redskins 2007 season.

While declaring himself a "Gibbsologist," Boswell typed:  "Joe Gibbs not only wants to stay as Redskins coach next season, he wants a contract extension from owner Daniel Snyder."

Gibbs quit that day.

If Boswell writes the "Dave McKenna Has No Chance of Hitting Powerball!" column, I'll give him half.

ESPN reported that the jury of "Clemens' peers" has the following stats: "10 women, two men, nine African American, three white." The network's on-air talent concluded the report by with a evidence-free assertion that, "It's a jury that many experts said if it came down to this sort of composition it could be good for the defense."

Wha? How's that again?

Anyway, Judge Reggie B. Walton is hearing the Clemens case. If I were an ESPN expert, I'd say Walton could be good for the offense. He's the same guy who oversaw United States v. Libby.

That's the last big perjury show to play here in the Nation's Capital.

And Scooter Libby, remember, was convicted in 2007 on four of five counts related to his lying to the Feds about outing Valerie Plame. Walton sentenced him to 30 months in the hole.

But wait! Libby's jail sentence was quickly commuted by President George W. Bush, who said that the trial had taken enough of a toll on his friend and Dick Cheney's chief of staff, since it left Libby's reputation "forever damaged" and his family "suffered immensely" during the prosecution.

Clemens, like Libby, is a good friend of the Bush family.

And in my role as an ESPN-caliber expert, I'll assert the friendship with the Bush family and their history of commuting sentences of convicted perjurers who've suffered damage to their reputation and whose families have been hurt by federal government prosecution is  good for the defense.

So at this stage of the trial, for those keeping score about what's good for whom, it's 2-1 defense. Keep the dial right here for this type of expert analysis throughout the trial.

Suffragette City: Members of the League of Women Voters join forces with the Association of the Oldest Inhabitants of D.C. to demand voting rights for the District on the 90th anniversary of the certification of the 19th Amendment, which granted the right to vote to women—as long as they don't live in D.C., of course, in which case they wouldn't get the right to vote for president until 1961 and the right to elect a voting member of Congress until... well, sometime after Aug. 26, 2010. The protest involved Victorian costumes, parasols and, most likely, some bemused tourists. Too bad they cleared out before the Glenn Beck rally on Saturday, or things could have gotten lively! +3

9:30 Club Diversifies: Once upon a time, rock and roll bands would dream of getting a record deal, so they could lay down an album and hit the road promoting it in clubs all around the country. Those days are over. The 9:30 Club is launching its own label, since now, bands make most of their money touring and the population of law-abiding citizens willing to actually pay for records is dwindling. (For that matter, the "records" are mostly downloaded, anyway.) If all goes well, someday down the line hipsters still yet to be born will lord it over their less-cool friends that they bought 9:30 Club records back before they moved into a fancy new office. Doesn't quite have the same ring as reminiscing about pillars in the middle of the floor, though, does it? +3

Metrobus Panopticon: The next time a Metrobus driver leaves his post to punch out McGruff the Crime Dog, it'll all be caught on video. Metro will install cameras on 1,500 buses to keep an eye on drivers, recording audio and video, provided by a San Diego-based firm with a name that sounds like it was designed by committee: DriveCam. The idea is for the transit agency to have a better sense of what goes wrong in accidents. Lest you protest that this is an invasive expansion of surveillance, don't worry—Metro already records the passenger area on many buses. TV news stations around the area rejoice, cheered at the prospect of having better B-roll when, inevitably, a bus runs over a pedestrian sometime soon. -2

D.C. Justice for the Rocket: Okay, Stephen Strasburg is on the DL, probably done for the year. But another famous pitcher will soon be spending a lot of time in the District—and his prognosis may not be as good. A federal judge has scheduled Roger Clemens' arraignment on perjury and obstruction of Congress charges for Monday afternoon in the federal courthouse on Constitution Avenue NW. Trial should start by next spring. No word on whether, like at the ballpark, Ben's Chili Bowl will be available for spectators. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 36 Today's score: +6 Today's Needle rating: 42

After spending years in a shamed self-exile, McGwire's confession came as he sniveled through an interview with Bob Costas for the MLB Network.

While saying he wished he'd never done drugs and wished he'd never played baseball during the steroids era Dead Balls Era™, McGwire also blamed baseball's lack of steroids testing for his decade-long (he says) drug-taking. He said he didn't take a lot of 'roids, and they didn't help his hitting. The forbidden fruit of the day just kept him healthy, McGwire said.

He looked sad and lost. I liked McGwire better when he said under oath that he didn't want to talk about steroids.

Baseball fans in DC sure benefited from his drug taking. During batting practice at RFK Stadium in 1999, before a Cardinals/Expos exhibition game, McGwire hit two balls to the roof. Nobody there, present company included, had ever seen anything like it, because nothing like it had ever taken place. Within a matter of seconds, McGwire had reduced every tape measure shot ever hit there — even the ones Frank Howard hit which are commemorated with painted seats in the upper deck — seem like Texas Leaguers.

I'd never witnessed any athletic feat of any sort quite like McGwire's.

But, as McGwire pointed out yesterday, the drugs didn't put those balls on the roof. Other than, you know, keeping McGwire healthy enough to do it.

I remember watching McGwire after his feats of inhuman strength. He went back behind the batting cage and canoodled with his batting practice guest that day, Goldberg, the pro wrestling champion and a guy who always looked like a fellow synthetic testosterone connoisseur. Wrestlers don't have to cry or apologize for shooting things into their bodies. In any case, McGwire dwarfed Goldberg.

(AFTER THE JUMP: What's this mean for Mike Lupica? Even Thomas Boswell got caught up in the Dead Balls Era™? Another forced Google hit for Dead Balls Era™? Whatever happened to A.J. English? Not Alex English?)

The McGwire interview just continues the pain for Mike Lupica. He's the author of "Summer of '98," a book about the McGwire/Sosa home run duel and how that season enhanced Lupica's relationship with his three sons. From the Publishers Weekly blurb on Lupica's work:

In his columns, Lupica often deals with strikes, the atrocious behavior of some overpaid athletes and all the tawdriness of sports business and hype. But, in this book, he gives himself completely over to the beauty of baseball as both a game and as an agent of bonding between fathers and children.

Amazon has 37 copies available "from $0.01."

Washington Post columnist Tom Boswell, who blasted Jose Canseco for suspected steroid use as far back as the late-1980s, threw away his suspicions and picked up pom poms a decade later.

Here's a bit of his story that ran on Sept. 14, 1998:

Yesterday, baseball produced a moment that, for me, may have been more enjoyable than McGwire's 62nd homer: Sosa hit his 61st and 62nd. Hit them in a crucial game in the wild-card race won, 11-10, by the Cubs in the 10th inning. He hit them at Wrigley Field as the wonderful ivy-addled loonies went nuts. Both balls were crushed at least 480 feet.

Yesterday, Sosa matched McGwire in every way. When Sosa came to the plate with one out, nobody on base and the Cubs trailing by two runs in the ninth, my 11-year-old son Russell was literally jumping up and down in front of the TV.

Big winner yesterday: Barry Bonds. Let the feds try to put him in jail now, with everybody else already outed. He's in, well, the clear. (How slow are the wheels of justice moving in the U.S. vs. Bonds, anyway?)

The court of public opinion, if no other judicial body, has already convicted McGwire's rival Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, and Rafael Palmeiro of using drugs. Since baseball locker rooms are real small and baseball contracts are real big, common sense tells us now that everybody used the so-called performance enhancing drugs.

Now we just have to wait for Cal Ripken to come out and confess to being a P.E.D.-ophile. Just say you took 'em and let us close the book on (here it comes!) the Dead Balls Era™.

***

Where are they now? Well, here's former Bullet AJ English.

A small story on the wires about a Delaware high school basketball game caught my eye.

At the Appoquinimink boys basketball game against Howard on Tuesday evening, junior A.J. English III, who was on the bench in street clothes while serving a suspension, left the court and went into the locker room along with his brother A’Jen, a sophomore starting guard, at the conclusion of the first quarter and neither player returned.

They're sons of AJ English, who the Washington Bullets got with a second round pick in 1990 draft. English had a quiet two year career in the pros — and is remembered in NBA circles only as the guy who was always confused with the far more successful Alex English.

I, for one, still confuse the two. Which is the only reason I read the story. But the part about brothers standing up for each other as the English boys did got me intrigued, and through some Googling it seems AJ III is a hot prospect for Appoquinimink who got in a spot of trouble with the beautifully named basketball Coach, Spencer Dunkley, and that got his former Bullet dad, who goes by A.J. Jr. in these matters, into a tussle with the coach in the local media.

First, after a loss, Appoquinimink coach told the local paper, the Middletown Transcript: “Can't play with them. Can't win with them. Won't play with them. Don't need them. Please put that in the newspaper. Thanks, that's all I have to say."

So the high school beat reporter went to the former Bullet. And got this:

A.J. English Jr. had this to say about Appoquinimink High coach Spencer Dunkley’s quotes after a 62-61 loss to Middletown:

“That doesn’t deserve a response,” A.J. Jr. said. “My maturity level allows me to take the high road on that. Any coach knows you keep that kind of stuff in the lockerroom and out of the newspaper. How can any kid trust him after that?

“He showed his inexperience by making those statements.”

Appo's leading scorer A.J. English III was on the bench as time wound down and his team was down a point.English Jr. said A.J. III was suspended until Monday, Dec. 21 and is uncertain if he'll return.

I do get giggles out of the lengths some parents go to for alliterative kids names, tho. "A'Jen" seems a stretch. Guess "Alex" wasn't on the board.

***

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That made for an amazing night to not watch sports, and just refresh this and that web page every few minutes hoping for some Breaking News. Would Strasburg be without a contract? Would the Lerners be without another top draft pick AND a fan base?

My mom's favorite writer, Chico Harlan, was like a political speechwriter on a close election night who has to write both a victory and concession speech, knowing that half his work will be wasted.

In a post made less than an hour before zero hour, Harlan admitted on his Nationals Journal blog that because his own deadlines were approaching he'd had to write two stories, one for the Lerners caving, one for the pitcher caving, before knowing what happened. (Everybody was filing news-free reports 'round midnite. The Associated Press write-up was headlined "Strasburg, other 1st-round picks go to deadline.")

At 12:18 a.m., Chico filed the bulletin report that Strasburg was signed, and attributed the news to Baseball America. Two minutes later, Chico filed one of his fab pre-fab pieces — headlined "It's Done: Strasburg Signs" — with the amount of the contract, $15.7 million guaranteed, filled in. The only clue that this was a dummy piece: Chico's story didn't attribute the information to anyone or anything.

Then, within minutes of the climactic posting, Chico changed the headline to "It's Done: Strasburg Agrees."

Which, you know, coulda been the headline for the unused post, too. (Not to go all CSI on Chico, but the link to the updated post, even with the new, CYA headline, still ends with "its_done_strasburg_signs.html")

(AFTER THE JUMP: The fat lady's going to sing at Nats Park? Clemens makes a comeback? Eastern High football makes a comeback? Just like Dick Cheney, Darth Vader's going to throw out a first pitch?)

But..."signs," "agrees," who cares? That opera simulcast at Nationals Park can't possibly provide more melodrama than Strasburg Signing Night!

***

I went to washingtonpost.com's Major League Baseball page a couple minutes before midnight scanning every nook for Strasburg updates. There wasn't a word about the Nats draft pick. But among the lead stories there was one headlined "Retro-Rocket Fired Up," with the lede: "Roger Clemens will pitch the first game of his 22nd season, and perhaps his last, in the major leagues on Friday for the Astros." And the main photo had Gary Sheffield in a Yankees uniform brawling with Red Sox fans.

Clemens is coming back to Houston? Sheffield's back in pinstripes? How out of touch am I?

Well, not as out of touch as the page, it turns out. A note on far right column says, "Announcement: This page will not be updated." This stuff's from all the way back in 2005.

Mr. Gorbachev: Tear down that page!

***

I'm a cheapskate, but I was all for the DC government shelling however many millions it cost to give new football fields to DCIAA High schools over the last few years.

About every time I've gone inside a city school for a story over the years, I've seen holes in the ceiling and warped floors and rusty lockers and the sort of plight I used to think only existed in schools in the third world or Camden, NJ.

With the new turf fields, the kids here were finally going to get something that was at least as good as what their counterparts in the suburbs always got but took for granted.

Well, proof that it was indeed money well spent: Eastern Senior High's going to have a football team this year. Forty-four kids came out for the first day of football practice at Eastern last weekend, and the coaching staff tells me the school's new football field brought a lot of them out.

Last year, Eastern never got the mandatory minimum roster size of 18 eligible players, and after forfeiting its first few games the administration pulled the plug on the entire season.

The cancellation of a football season caused a lot of collateral damage: no marching band performances, no cheerleading squads or dance teams, no alumni gatherings, no Friday night lights.

But, all that's back.

"I can't say we're going to have all 42 guys sticking around until the season starts, and I won't say the talent level is anything special," an Eastern assistant coach told me. "But we've got 42 for now, and the new field brought a lot of them out. To host the Turkey Bowl at the school, and not even have a team of their own was embarrassing to the kids, and the school, so that got kids motivated. No matter what, it's better to have a team than no team."

More on the impact of the fields on football turnout in the Titanic platform (or maybe not!) of this week's City Paper.

***

The Bowie Baysox, who have more promotional gimmicks than even Chris Cooley, have announced that Darth Vader will throw out the first pitch at Prince George's Stadium this Saturday night, as Altoona visits. "Star Wars" fan clubs are scheduled to show up in costume.

All things considered, I'd rather spend the evening in Altoona.

That's how Caps' play-by-play man Steve Kolbe ended his awesome call of David Steckel's game winner last night from Pittsburgh.

Nothing like OT playoff hockey on the radio.

The game started lousy for the eventual winners. At the end of the 1st period, with the Caps down 1-0 and trailing the Penguins in shots on goal 18-5, the Kolbe and, particularly, his booth partner Ken Sabourin, sounded resigned to a bad ending.

"The Penguins got help from the official on that one. Check's in the mail!" said Sabourin after Kris Letang's goal gave Pittsburgh a 3-2 lead early in the third period. His point was that a referee had deflected the puck right to Letang, and was clearly on the take.

"Check's in the mail!" is what you want from the home crew!

The Caps scored twice over the next 88 seconds.

Steckel's shot snapped the franchise's long losing streak in playoff overtime games and kept 'em alive to tighten up the 1-7 record in playoff series with Pittsburgh.

But, that's the past. Once again: Doesn't this year just feel different?

We'll find out tomorrow. I'll be listening.

***
The Caps' post-game show, aired on WJFK during the playoffs, isn't for everybody: An earnest and nervous caller said he wanted to "give props" to the Capitals only to have the rest of his garbled goodwill message cut off mid-thought.

The hosts, led by Jonathan Warner, announced that only callers 18 years old and older are allowed on the air and quickly hit the next line.

Within seconds an older and unsober sounding dude was yelling "Me and my wife, man, our heads literally went through the roof!" He got to say his whole piece.

Yes, the airwaves are an adult domain.

***

Ryan Zimmerman's at 29. Half-Dimaggio plus one!

***

Is there turmoil in Georgetown sports?

Yesterday Hoyas Athletic Director Bernard Muir announced he'd be leaving the Hoyas to take a job at the University of Delaware.

On paper, doesn't seem like a parallel move. Muir's new title will be Director of Athletics and Recreation Services.

"Recreation Services"?

Sounds like Muir's job description just went from overseeing one of the NCAA's highest profile basketball programs to making sure the Ultimate Frisbee field in Greek Circle gets watered.

Muir's leaving comes just as Hoyas e-fanzines are buzzing about the departure of Robert Burke, a Georgetown assistant basketball coach and head coach John Thompson III's longtime court partner.

Burke played alongside JT III at Gonzaga, coached with him at Princeton and came to Georgetown at the same time in 2004.

The school has not announced that Burke is leaving. And until an official reason is given, the message boarders will provide their own rationales.

Posters at mdhigh.com, a high-volume rivals.com site, have attributed Burke's departure to game strategy and recruiting problems, and some sort of squabbles between the program and Curtis Malone, the idolmaker behind DC Assault, one of the strongest AAU programs in the country.

There are also alleged sub-plots involving David Falk, the super-agent who has historically represented a lot of Georgetown talent.

Maybe, in the end, we'll find out it's just because Georgetown beat most of the top teams in the country early on, then lost 12 of its last 16 games.

***
Just as the Have Nots were on the verge of Having, Mother Nature threw a curveball.

Bishop Ireton of Alexandria has won just four boys athletics titles in the Catholic schools conference, now called the WCAC, in the last 40 years: three in soccer and one in lacrosse.

None have come since 1994.

But last night, in WCAC's baseball championship game, Ireton was up a run over Paul VI in the sixth inning. With the biggest sporting accomplishment in the school's history within sight, the clouds opened up, and umpires suspended the game.

DCSPORTSFAN.COM says the replay is tomorrow night. Because of the 48-hour rain delay, Paul VI will be able to put its ace pitcher, who was resting last night, back on the mound.

God has both dogs in this fight. But if Taylor Swift has any say, Ireton's a cinch.

***
Michael Phelps is back!

In the tabloids, that is. A Baltimore stripper named Theresa White has sold her tale of three-way romance with the Olympic swimmer to News of the World.

If you believe the news, he's spent all his time since Beijing banging or bonging.

But his stamina remains world class, says Stripper Theresa.

***

Roger Clemens' nickname was Rocket, not Rocket Scientist.

Clemens showed up this morning on "Mike and Mike" on WTEM, where the pitcher plead his innocence by saying "my stepdad" had heart disease, so therefore it would be "suicidal" to "take any of these dangerous drugs."

Your step-dad can give you swine flu, Rocket. But not heart disease.

***

Wonder how Roger would do on the Wonderlic? Take it yourself.

***

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Folks only took notice, alas, because our boys were in L.A. while the Dodgers learned they'd be an odd Manny out. For a long time.

Looks like Manny Ramirez took some sort of estrogen. So Manny was just being Womanny?

In any case, it's gonna cost him...50 games and $7 million!!! (That's a lot for baseball: The most heinous on-field act in baseball history came in 1965, when SF Giant Juan Marichal pounded on Dodger catcher Johnny Roseboro's helmetless head with a baseball bat — though I guess in this context simply "with a bat" would work — and Marichal only got a nine-day suspension and a fine of $1,750.)

So for now, it looks like the Mount Rushmore of baseball's Dead Balls Era™ would be Manny, A-Rod, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds.

Between 'em, there's 49 All-Star game appearances, 11 MVP awards and over half-a-billion in salaries.

So who says crime doesn't pay?

And it ain't even close to over!

When Rodriguez was outed, we were told that the MLB's got a list of, what was it, 104 players who also tested positive for 'roids! And we don't yet know who they are!

Well, except for A-Rod. And now Manny.

That leaves 102 more names left to trickle out!

Wake up, people.

There's still only one way baseball can move forward: So, come on, Cal Ripken! America needs you to confess to taking steroids.

And, on a personal note, I miss the long ball.

And, oh right, the Nats came back from six down to beat the Dodgers, 11-8, giving L.A. it's first home loss of the season.

—-

Is it too early to call the Caps/Penguins series the Brawl for It All?

Well, whoever comes out of it will have an easier path to the Stanley Cup than they'd ever expected. The top seed in the West (San Jose) went out meekly in the first round to No. 8 Anaheim, and No. 2 Detroit had to win on the road last night just to knot up their series with the no-longer-Mighty Ducks.

Back on our side of the continent, meanwhile, the only team seeded above Washington and Pitt, Boston, is down a game to Carolina, who already upset New Jersey in the first round. (Awesome trivia: That's a Cheap Seats Daily record for number of teams referenced in a single paragraph without nicknames!)

But even beyond seedings, having the Bruins and Red Wings out of the way would do wonders in easing the minds of older fans.

Awesome Caps trivia: the team has only gotten past the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs twice in the 35-year history of the franchise: In 1990, when they were swept by the Bruins in the Wales Conference finals, and in 1998, when they were swept by the Red Wings in the championship round.

Both sweepings caused a manic-to-depressive swing in the mood of all local puckheads. But this year just seems different.

Doesn't it?

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Speaking of dead balls and longshots winning: As the gelding Mine That Bird and other animals start shipping toward Pimlico for next weekend's 134th running of the Preakness — where another horse without testicles might be favored — let's all read about the end of the Freakness.

Tell me I'm not the only guy who mourns the demise of the Running of the Urinals.

Awesome horse racing trivia: This year's Kentucky Derby, despite having its only well-known entrant scratched on race day, brought in its biggest TV ratings since 1992.

But but but but: what about everybody telling me horse racing's dead and obsolete and totally analog!

So maybe there's hope for newspapers?

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Truthaboutit.net has a fabulous look back at one of many horrible trades the Bullets/Wizards have made in their history: Sending the 12th pick in the 1996 draft to Cleveland for Mark Price.

Price played seven games for the Bullets.

Awesome Trivia: The pick could have been used to draft Kobe Bryant.

—-

Update on DC United Stadium Rally:

Fans are gearing up for a "10-block march" from RFK to Lincoln Park.

But the team is providing buses to make the trip from RFK to Lincoln Park.

Uh oh. Two things I learned as a kid: rock smashes scissors, and bus fenders crush femurs.

Looks to me like the March/Ride's got a better chance of yielding a high broken leg count than a new stadium.

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THIS JUST IN: The Redskins yesterday made NO roster moves involving guys named Williams.

That means Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder are content to head into the 2009 training camp with just the Five Guys Named Williams they've already put on the roster this offseason: Jaison Williams, Mike Williams, Roydell Williams, Eddie Williams and Edwin Williams.

Cheap Seats Daily will TOTALLY keep you updated on the Williamses.

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Tomorrow night at the DC Armory, the Cherry Blossom Bombshells skate against the DC DemonCats for the 2009 DC Rollergirls Championship. But you real sports fans already knew that...

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