Here's the thing with automatic transmission in America: People get lulled into the notion that driving all cars is pretty much the same. Here's the other thing: In the snow, that notion flies out the window. Cars that have a lot of power and—hey!—ballast shouldn't be the ones fishtailing in and out of snowbanks. This weekend, you saw vehicles with epithets like Highlander, Tundra, Expedition, All-Powerful Yeti, and so on, skidding pell-mell into street signs, other cars, leering snowmen, &c. Which can be funny, but would definitely make for a lame Chevy commercial.

It's amazing what you can do with a manual transmission and a bare minimum of common sense. I don't expect these addled SUV pilots to read a word of what follows, but here's hoping:

1. Wipe that sheet of ice off the top of your car. Yes, this weekend's precip. was wet and unlikely to ice into something that can decapitate a sedan. But it's goddamn irresponsible to drive around with upwards of three feet of snow & ice piled atop your great hulking vehicle. It's bad for visibility, and—in the event that your snail-like reflexes allow for fast braking—it can seriously fuck the windshield of whoever's behind you. Ask anyone from north of Delaware; after cursing you and all your living relatives, they will say yes, you should indeed clean that shit off your car.

2. "Can You Rock?" This was the question posed to me by an emo friend as we maneuvered my old Subaru into a trenchlike parking space. At first, I took this as a simple expression of encouragement—he's trying to amp me up! And yes, I can rock! Then, his meaning became clear: I was to employ the classic two-rev-forward, two-rev-back technique suitable to all snow- (or, for that matter, mud)-drenched conditions. And, with the exception of a sleek late-model Toyota sedan at the corner of 8th and Allison NW, I witnessed few other drivers this weekend who could, properly speaking, rock.

3. Just 'cuz it's snowing, a yellow light doesn't automatically become a red light. Yes, I know there's 4-6 inches of indifferent slush caking Georgia Avenue. But you're also driving a Four-Runner. And if Sam Neill could outrun a T-Rex in that thing, then you can damn well make a left turn in all of 12 seconds.

4. Use all that weight! If you're driving a tank-like SUV, you've got mass on your side. Use it! Plunge with confidence into the two-foot plowlines blocking the traffic circle; steer flintily, and—should you start to fishtail—in the direction of the skid. Also, accelerate!

5. Push. Sorry dude, gunning the accelerator is just gonna flood your engine and dig you deeper into that uphill morass.

I wonder at times like these if SUV drivers in relatively snow-free parts of the country experience buyer's remorse during record-setting blizzards. You look silly driving a Hummer in D.C. in July; but you look a hell of a lot sillier driving the same car, badly, in 30 inches of snow. Would a little 1973 Citroën fare at least as bad? Yes. Yes it would. But the Citroën driver would have an excuse. And it would make an awesome Mr. Bean video.

Photograph by Darrow Montgomery

An e-mail alert went out yesterday to previous attendees of the Shakespeare Theatre Company's Free For All that it's still on, but it's now on inside and in Penn Quarter at the newish Sidney Harman Hall. That means no more pre-show picnics on the grounds of Carter Barron (the National Building Museum is opening its more limited patch of grass this year), no more waiting in the woods and chatting with strangers before the gates open, no more wrapping up in blankets in the first act's gloaming, no more marveling as the moon appears just when it should during A Midsummer's Night Dream.

I missed last year's rather soft announcement of the death of one of D.C.'s greatest summer pleasures, staged at Rock Creek Park's amphitheater since 1991. Sure: The pros at the STC are still offering their talents to the masses free of charge and, sure, said talents won't be hampered by rain, or cold, or the choking D.C. humidity. But wasn't the weather part of what made the Free For All such fun?

Keeping a decent neighborhood listserv going means posting a lot about lost dogs, reporting on gunshots, and cranky neighbors dropping weird racial stereotypes related to crime. All of these will keep the message board well stocked with posts. But few posts beat the mysterious stranger knocking on doors thread that pops up once in a while. Years ago, we chronicled one mystery woman roaming Cap Hill.

The Shepherd Park listserv has a pretty good mystery stranger story this week. A poster writes:

"There was a guy in front of my house this afternoon at about 4 ranting at people who were coming up my steps.  He was yelling about wanting to talk about real estate and how is parents watched me move in.  He said he was from the neighborhood.  I told him we were busy, but he persisted and knocked on the door.  I repeated that we were not interested in talking and he went away."

A cop then responded to the listserv.

Lt. Ronald Thomas writes:

"If anyone observes anyone leaving items (packets of rantings) in doorways or mailboxes please call 911 so that we may identify and speak with this person, who may be in need of mental observation.  Please give a description if possible."

Oh heavens! Someone is blocking the bike lane in front of me! Quick! Let me take a photo and blog it!

Seriously, fellow cyclists, you know why people think we're weenies?
1) The clothes. For Pete's sake, yellow lycra?
2) The incessant whining.

Look, "Share the Road" goes both ways. I don't like whooshing into traffic to avoid a double-parked UPS truck, but I can also chalk that up to the price you pay for being able to get a goddamn package from this place. For every oblivious a-hole trolling for a parking spot at 5 mph there is a hard-working tradesperson who needs a quick in and out on a busy street.

Living in a city means making tradeoffs. In our nonstop complaining about being forced to veer around cars' blind spots, I think we're developing a major one of our own. Personally, I think bikes are a much better way to get around town than cars, no matter the weather, and I bloody hate when someone's parked in the bike lane. But we are a tiny percentage of the vehicular population in D.C., and I think it's time we stopped acting like that gives us superpowers. Let it go and just ride.

Photo by Flickr user tvol