A Street By Any Other Name: Renaming Pennsylvania Avenue as part of the fight for D.C. voting rights seemed like a good idea. So the D.C. Council has apparently decided to rename a few more, too. A plan under consideration at the Wilson Building would make Pennsylvania Avenue into D.C. Statehood Way, and also turn Constitution Avenue to Free D.C. Avenue and Independence Avenue into Let D.C. Vote Way. Councilmember Michael A. Brown is behind the idea; he's experienced with the trouble names can cause, so we trust him to see it through. We also trust the GOP-controlled House to try to block any legislation renaming any streets. +2

Insert Obligatory "Can You Hear Me Now?" Headline: Sure, your cellphone works in the Metro. But once you get above ground, a new study says, you're screwed. D.C. had the most problems per 100 calls in a survey by J.D. Power and Associates, which we assume didn't survey cellphone users because, well, you know. Cincinnati and Pittsburgh did the best. -2

You're Happy And You Know It: Those dropped calls aren't causing too many hurt feelings, apparently—the latest Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index ranks D.C. the happiest metropolitan area in the country. Criteria used to determine the rankings: how many people smoke and how often residents go to the dentist. Which makes the whole thing seem a little odd. But hey, who are we to complain? We're happy! Austin, San Jose, Seattle, and San Francisco came in as slightly less happy. +1

Giant Elephants On Parade: Yesterday's parade of Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus elephants through downtown didn't make some people happy—notably People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (to say nothing of the pachyderms, whose treatment by circus handlers is the subject of some debate). PETA will set up an inflatable elephant and graphic displays of abuse outside the Verizon Center to protest the circus' stay. We say: Let the elephants start ferrying D.C. government officials around town. For less than $2,000 a month, we could probably treat them pretty well. +1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 59 Today's score: +2 Today's Needle rating: 61

Those PETA folks sure are astute
They do more than shout, "cows pollute!"
At noon they will blast
The sound of gas passed
As their 'inconvenient (fake) toot'

Remiss if I do not opine
on all that involves DC9
First charged with assault
Now booze sales may halt
Seems business (and fun) will decline

You talk while you drive in DC?
You dumbass; that comes with a fee
The news: cops are nabbing
More drivers while gabbing
So hang up or do it hands-free

Ms. Levy's been dead such a while
That jogging Rock Creek's back in style
The news is replete
With many a tweet
As Ingmar prepares to stand trial

By PETA, our city was crowned
The best place for veggies around
Falafel's delish
But sometimes I wish
That something more bold could be found

Of hope, it seems we have a glimmer
The District weighs in a bit slimmer
So go for it, fatties
Eat bacon-topped patties
But broccoli might keep you trimmer

For ages the District has waited
And these dudes may soon be instated
But Brady is noting
That statues and voting
Are not even slightly related

For those of the scofflaw persuasion
Fuggedabout past tax evasion
You criminals, hardened
Will briefly be pardoned
To bolster the budget equation

There may be more trouble coming for the D.C.-based office of the education provider Living Classrooms Foundation. The nonprofit, which uses live animals (about 12-15) to teach kids about caring for the planet, recently came under the scrutiny of the Washington Humane Society when one of its workers showed up seeking to have 12 animal carcasses cremated.

Now, an employee of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Lisa Wathne, tells City Desk via email "that the organization apparently does not have a license from the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), which is required in order to display animals to the public."  Living Classrooms, says Wathne, has apparently been violating federal law.

Wathne claims that, after inquiring with the USDA about the foundation, an assistant regional director for the federal agency told her in writing:"This facility is not in our database so it is not licensed. I'm going to enter this as a complaint in our complaint log and have an inspector go out and look into this."

Counters John Dillow of Living Classrooms: "We do have a USDA permit for the required animals." But asked for a copy, Dillow replies via email that he's been "advised to give no further comment until our conversation with Humane Society have been complete."

A message from David Sacks of the USDA backs up PETA's claim: "Living Classrooms is not licensed as an exhibitor with USDA. We will be sending an inspector to the facility to let the owners know that they must either 1) apply for a USDA exhibitor license, or 2) stop exhibiting their animals."

The USDA requires the license so it can enforce standards of animal care.

The pets arrived packed in various makeshift coffins. There was a tarantula in a terrarium, a sugar glider (nocturnal marsupial similar to a flying squirrel) in a grocery bag, a rabbit in a trash bag, a chameleon in a box, an anole (small lizard), two frogs, three rats, and two mice—all in Ziploc bags.

The dozen deceased were surrendered on Tuesday to the Washington Humane Society for cremation. The pets had ended their lives serving various D.C.-area environmental education programs run by the Living Classrooms Foundation.

The foundation, which educates "disconnected youth," works with about 12,000 kids, mostly from Wards 6, 7, and 8, as well as from Prince George's County. It uses resources like its "rolling rain forest," a 55-foot show trailer that boasts exotic animals and a swinging bridge, to teach kids about environmental stewardship. The creatures are pivotal to that goal. But sometimes they lose a few.

Confronted with Living Classrooms' recent critter carnage, the Humane Society has decided it needs to take a hard look at the situation. "An investigation is pending to discover what happened to the classroom pets," the society says.

John Dillow, executive director of Living Classrooms D.C., says that despite the society's concerns, there's nothing suspicious going on. Animals die. "The interesting part is that it's fairly normal to see this number," says Dillow, who claims the animal deaths occurred over a year or more, not all at once.

Because of cremation costs, he says, which can be somewhere around $100 per animal (even for a tarantula?), Living Classrooms keeps its expired pets in a freezer until the departed number at least 10. The foundation then goes looking for a good deal on incineration. This time, word was the Humane Society fit that bill. "Our animal care specialist heard through a friend that there was a program that would cremate for free," says Dillow.

Dillow understands how unloading a dozen lifeless pets to be burned would raise some eyebrows. But, he says, "We're kind of known as that place where you can just drop off your animals." That means, he explains, the foundation gets a lot of animals that aren't in the best of health.

Dillow claims the remaining pets under his organization's roof—12 to 15—are all well cared for. Each year, he points out, Living Classrooms spends around $6,500 on animal vittles, and about $30,000 on health care. The recently passed away sugar glider, for instance, spent several nights in a hospital before kicking the bucket.

Even though there's a generous amount of currency being spent, Lisa Wanthe, captive exotic animal specialist for the D.C. office of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, thinks Living Classrooms should stop using animals for education. "PETA is opposed to using animals in this way," she says. "We think it is inappropriate for the animals and downright cruel for the animals."

Asked whether losing 12 pets over a span of a year or so seems odd, the expert says that, though she can't know for sure, it "would be a safe bet to say that what we see in situations like this is that the animals' life spans are shorter because of inadequate care."

What is the lifespan on an anole, anyway?

Photo Courtesy of Living Classrooms Foundation

Fur You: If you spotted a panhandler wearing a mink this week, it might be thanks to Gilbert Arenas. On March 2, Arenas "hosted" a fur coat giveaway in which expensive, animal-extracted outerwear was handed out to some of the District's homeless. The currently suspended Wizard guard was helping out animal rights group PETA's "Fur Campaign." PETA receives fur donations from individuals who have decided against wearing animal hides anymore. "Because of the vast number of furs that we receive, we donate many of them to homeless people who can't afford to buy their own coats—the only people who have any excuse to wear fur," says PETA.

Wrong Call: On Feb. 26 a caller alerted Humane Law Enforcement (HLE) that a red Pomeranian living in the 200 block of Gallatin Street NW looked so bad it must have been hit by a car. An HLE officer investigated. It turned out the pooch wasn't injured, it was just aged. The 14-year-old animal has arthritis.

Can't Comply: People get arthritis, too. An HLE officer discovered on Feb. 24 that a sneezy cat living in the 3900 block of 21st Street NE wasn't getting the antibiotics a veterinarian had prescribed—because the cat's owner, a senior citizen, is arthritic and couldn't administer the meds. The animal cop solicited family members and neighbors to help the owner medicate the cat.

Better Homes and Gardens: An HLE cop found a dog tethered to a tree in a backyard strewn with debris in the 1000 block of Lamont Street NW on Feb. 24. The officer met with the dog's owner, who said that because of financial troubles, he could no longer care for the animal. It was surrendered to the Humane Society.

Yellow Fur: An HLE officer met with a woman at a home in the 200 block of Allison Street NE on Feb. 23 about a beagle she had given up to the Humane Society. The beagle appeared to have a coat discolored by urine. The officer "strongly advised the owner of the severity of the situation and advised her on proper care of dogs."

Source: Washington Humane Society

Photography by mariefur74, Creative Commons Attribution License

Sports leagues, like romantic relationships, can't survive taking a break. Last year AFL owners thought they were different, announcing that while they'd be spending the 2009 season apart, they weren't breaking up.

Again: Just need some space. Just taking some time off from each other before getting back together.

Well, this week, several AFL owners leaked to the press the date that they'll be getting back together: The 12th....OF NEVER!

The AFL is dead.

The disbanding means, alas, Dan Snyder won't ever bring us the AFL team he promised back in 1999.

(AFTER THE JUMP: MMA is the next arena football? How many Redskins blogs are out there? Dan Steinberg marvels at whose muscles? The Washington Times toasts Bruce Smith? Michael Vick is partying where? The Nats are still playing?)

Snyder bought the DC franchise rights for the AFL shortly after taking over the Redskins. He said back then that he was going to name the indoor team the Warriors, and registered trademarks for that name and for an arrow-and-feather logo and helmet design.

Then Snyder never made any move toward putting that team together.

At the time, I figured Snyder only registered the marks because it looked like he could lose federal trademark protections on "Redskins" for being racist, and he wanted a fall-back name ready.

All these years later, I still agree with myself. Guess we'll never know what his real intentions were.

No official announcement of the league's disbanding has yet appeared on the AFL's web site.

However, the league's "Mission Statement" is still prominently placed:

“To serve our community with pride and passion as a quality example of individual and team excellence on the field, in the office, at the arena and within the community by consistently exceeding our customers’ expectations by demonstrating the highest character, appreciation and respect for our game, customers, teammates and partners as a cost-effective and visionary organization providing a total entertainment experience.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Among the few things I can think of more boring than reading the AFL Mission Statement is watching an arena football game.

Columnist Ray Ratto takes the indoor football and runs with it. Ratto links indoor football with Twitter, and says UFC is the next AFL.

I agree.

***

In case you missed it: Dan Snyder's SIX Flags lost another $121 million-plus change this spring. Who's to blame? God, government, Mother Nature, Swine Flu, Jesus' death, and minimum wage employees, say Dan Snyder and Six Flags co-captain Mark Shapiro.

And so what if Six Flags is in the toilet? Dan Snyder just wants to win, dammit!

***

The Great Dan Steinberg marvels at the big muscles the Redskins have. Thank goodness the NFL has been so out-front in the drug testing realm, so that I and other media types, not to mention all football fans, don't have to waste a single second wondering whether ANY of these behemoths achieved this unnatural looking state through any means other than just eating real good and throwing lots of steel!

Way to keep it clean, NFL! Just say no, kids!

***

The Michael Vick Watch goes on off the football field, too. An event called the "Michael Vick Community Celebration" scheduled for this weekend in his hometown of Newport News, Va., was cancelled because, organizers said, Vick had to be in Atlanta for a Humane Society event.

But then no animal rights types in Atlanta would confirm that Vick is supposed to be there, either.

The big questions: What sort of creeps would organize a Vick "celebration" now? Who can even be near the guy and look at him without thinking, "Yucky!"?

***

Speaking of troubled Tidewater athletes: Real odd story in the Washington Times with longtime football writer Dave Elfin working mightily to try to rehab Bruce Smith's image just after the Hokie/Bill/Redskin's conviction on a third DUI arrest in 12 years.

The city of Virginia Beach cancelled a party that was going to celebrate Smith's induction to the Hall of Fame because of his drinking and driving problems.

Elfin argues that for a guy with three DUI arrests he's great with kids, and a great businessman, too, for a guy with three DUI arrests.

"If I hadn't done what I did on the football field," Smith  says of his buying things for an old football coach in his hometown, "I wouldn't have been afforded the opportunity to give back in such a fashion."

Well, there's that, Bruce, plus: you'd be in jail now.

***

The blog DC Pro Sports Report has a compendium of all the Redskins sites out there. Good god, you won't believe how many there are.

***

Nats have a six-run eighth and beat Florida, 6-4. Greatest comeback win of the season! Three-game winning streak!

Uh, oh! This just in: Until further notice, it's still football season! Just as things were getting exciting! Darn!

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

Despite my earlier report, it looks like PETA's lettuce ladies didn't have very meaty competition at the Rayburn Office Building today. American Meat Institute Senior Vice President of Public Affairs Janet Riley wrote and called in to CP to say that the AMI lunch is next week, not today, as I reported earlier.

"I guess PETA was so excited to protest our Hot Dog Lunch that they came a week early—and convinced you to cover 'dueling lunches' that didn’t occur," wrote Riley.

On the phone, Riley described the calendar disconnect this way: "A girl from PETA called me a while back, asking if we were going to be having the hot dog lunch this year," says Riley. "I asked what office she was calling from, and she kept saying, 'my office, my office.' Eventually I said, 'you're from PETA, right?' and she sort of sheepishly said that she was. But she never asked what the date was. I think she got nervous and hung up."

Adds Riley, "You know, the funny thing about it is, every year we're having this event that is jam-packed, and we are turning people away because hot dogs are so popular. And outside they have to have people in lettuce leaf bikinis trying to entice people to eat their food because everyone prefers hot dogs."

Riley says the AMI will wear "conservative khakis and golf shirts" at their event, which will, actually, be held next Wednesday, July 23, from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m., at the Rayburn Building.

"It’s going to take more than a few girls in lettuce leaf bikinis to wrestle this beloved food out of Americans’ hands," Riley wrote in an e-mail, adding: "Be sure to visit our new Hot Dog Etiquette video—it’s much more interesting than PETA’s erroneous media advisories. It was also the top featured video on You Tube July 4. It’s 2 ½ minutes long and will give you a good laugh after the irritation of having to retract your story.

Photo by CJ Sorg

Quick! Hot dogs! Not-dogs! Possibly real dogs! Right now at the Rayburn House Office Building!

Next week, the American Meat Institute will hold its annual Capitol Hill Hot Dog Lunch in celebration of National Hot Dog Month (declared, suspiciously, by the Hot Dog & Sausage Council). Today, not one to let a free dog go unpunished, PETA has set up its own grills—and do-gooder Playboy Playmates—to serve up some veggie dogs right next door.

Here's our annual run-down of the two events:

Access:

Dogs: Invite-only.

Not-Dogs: Open to the public.

Ammunition:

Dogs: In a feat of phallic imagery, "The crowd is expected to consume more than 4,000 hot dogs, which if laid end to end, would be three times taller than the Washington Monument," promises an AMI press release.

Not-Dogs: "Several hundred—at least 600 [not-dogs]," guesstimates PETA campaigner Ashley Byrne.

Star Power:

Dogs: MLB golden oldies, including Hall of Famer Robin Roberts, four-time All-Star Bob Boone, and Al Bumbry, who, according to a press release, "primarily played the outfield, but was sometimes called to start as third-baseman or designated hitter."

Not-Dogs: "Lettuce ladies" Lauren Anderson and Cassandra Callahan, attractive women who will hang out wearing bikinis made out of lettuce. Total bummer: The lettuce isn't real. "PETA has dressed people in real lettuce before, but it tends to wilt in the heat," says Byrne. No word on the ladies' other assets. P.S., PETA: Whither the Broccoli Boys?

Stock Quote:

Dogs: "The Hot Dog Lunch is one of the most popular annual events on Capitol Hill, a testament to America's unending enthusiasm for the hot dog." —J. Patrick Boyle, American Meat Institute President and CEO.

Not-Dogs: "People are always thrilled, because the veggie dogs are absolutely delicious and everyone knows they're better." —Byrne

Photo courtesy LordKhan

CORRECTION, 7/16: Due to an error by reporter Amanda Hess, the date of the American Meat Institute's event was originally incorrect.