You're Not From Here, Are You?: Less than a year after the U.S. Census Bureau shocked everyone in the District with the news that the city's population had grown, by nearly 30,000 people, for the first time in 50 years, a new report came out today showing that no state (or "equivalent," as the District gets counted) grew as much as D.C. did since last year's count. More than 16,000 people moved here since 2010, which makes all the thousands of people who moved here after the 2008 election suddenly feel like smug, longtime residents. +2

Presidential Purchase: Like many Washingtonians, President Barack Obama often feels the need to head out to shopping malls in the suburbs to meet his basic retail needs. Unlike many Washingtonians, Obama has a motorcade with sirens and armored vehicles to help him get there without dealing with traffic. Stuck in D.C. waiting for Congress to extend a payroll tax cut while his wife and daughters are in Hawaii, Obama hit Potomac Yards with his dog, Bo. There, he bought some pet toys, some iTunes gift cards, and the Wii version of a game called "Just Dance 3." Which we certainly hope he's not planning on opening up and playing by himself while the kids are still out of town. +1

Cheetahs No Longer Anonymous: The inhabitants of the National Zoo keep on breeding like, well, animals. The latest cubs (born in Front Royal, Va., not in Woodley Park) belong to the zoo's cheetahs. Today, their names were announced, thanks to some crowd-sourcing through (and we are, actually, not making this up) cat meme site I Can Haz Cheezburger: Damisi and Ashaki, both of which come from Swahili. No word on whether the cheetahs have been set up with their own BuzzFeed account yet. +2

Daggers Drawn: Holiday travel can be stressful. Which may be why a passenger flying from National Airport to Chicago today was stopped with, according to authorities, a pair of throwing daggers hidden in a hollowed-out hardcover book; no one was going to step in front of him in the Potbelly line! The knives and book were confiscated. What title was used to hide the weapons hasn't been disclosed yet, alas. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 60 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 63

But whatever! The National Zoo is celebrating a $4.5 million gift from David M. Rubenstein that will fund its useless panda-breeding program for the next five years.

“On behalf of the Zoo Advisory Board, we are most grateful to David for his generous gift, which keeps the beloved giant pandas at the National Zoo for Washington, D.C., and all Americans to enjoy,” said John Marriott, chair of the Smithsonian’s National Zoo Advisory Board. “More importantly, his generosity will enable us and our Chinese partners to continue our conservation work to give this critically endangered species the chance to survive in its native habitat.”

Sure, habitat is part of the problem, but lest we forget: They're also critically endangered because they won't have sex to save their own lives!

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Thanks to the District's excessive use of social media, we've pretty much heard how every person here (or the entire East Coast) reacted to the earthquake yesterday. Thanks to the National Zoo, we now know how the animals in captivity weathered the 30 seconds of terror.

The Zoo staff released a list of some of the animal responses as the ground started rumbling. The apes had some warning and didn't mess around:

• About five to ten seconds before the quake, many of the apes, including Kyle (an orangutan) and Kojo (a western lowland gorilla), abandoned their food and climbed to the top of the tree-like structure in the exhibit.
• About three seconds before the quake, Mandara (a gorilla) let out a shriek and collected her baby, Kibibi, and moved to the top of the tree structure as well.
• Iris (an orangutan) began “belch vocalizing”—an unhappy/upset noise normally reserved for extreme irritation—before the quake and continued this vocalization following the quake.

Beavers took to the water:

• The beavers stopped eating, stood on their hind legs and looked around, then got into the water, too. They all stayed in the water. Within an hour, some of the beavers returned to land to continue eating.

Pandas? As if we should even be surprised, they don't give a damn:

• According to keepers, the giant pandas did not appear to respond to the earthquake.

Read the full list of Zoo reaction here.

Illustration by Brooke Hatfield

Leave Only Footprints: There's no telling what a burglar will do when he or she breaks into an unattended house—rummage around, take valuables, use the bathroom. That was the modus operandi of whoever broke into a home in Vienna last week. The owners came home to find the doors unlocked, nothing taken, and some shit in their toilet. We're not sure we would have called the police in those circumstances. -1

Pregnant Paws?: Humans have it easy when it comes to figuring out whether to expect the next generation; head to the nearest drug store, buy an over-the-counter pregnancy test, and that's about it. (As far as the figuring out part goes, that is; the parenting part is a bit more complicated.) Pandas, apparently, are a bit more complicated. The National Zoo is on a 24-hour-a-day watch to figure out if Mei Xiang is going to set off yet another paroxysm of Butterstick mania. Alas, as a federal employee, the panda won't be eligible for paid maternity leave. +2

Out of Service: The D.C. Taxicab Commission has had a wonderful week. First, officials arranged for the Park Police to arrest two reporters for recording an open meeting. Then they blamed the cops. Finally, today, they locked WTOP's Mark Segraves out of the building when he went to go ask questions about the incident. For good measure, they turned the lights off, too—giving this item a built-in punch line. -2

The Czech's in the Mail: Lottery winnings come and go, as the Washington Wizards realized earlier this year. A year ago, they celebrated their number one pick in the NBA draft by picking John Wall; this year, they watched the Cleveland Cavaliers land Kyrie Irving with the top pick. The 'Zards landed Czech big man Jan Vesely with the sixth choice, then followed up with Chris Singleton, out of Florida State, and Butler guard Shelvin Mack, who's already shown he likes the Verizon Center. The goal, of course, is to have a 2011-12 season that leaves no chance of another high draft pick. We'll see. +3

According to a report by the National Weather Service, the rare flooding event hit D.C., Virginia, and Maryland after Agnes dumped 10 to 14 inches of rain. The Category 1 storm became one of the costliest natural disasters in U.S. history, totaling $2.1 billion in damages.

Rock Creek’s floodwaters spilled into the National Zoo, putting its shop, boiler room, and transportation buildings under 7 to 8 feet of water. A young wolf was the only animal that came close to drowning. In a heroic tale described on the zoo’s website, Theodore Reed, then the zoo's director, successfully rescued the wolf by stripping off his clothes and jumping into the enclosure. The floodwaters at the zoo uprooted 173 trees. Waterfowl came within an inch of floating over the top of their enclosures.

Agnes created what geologists categorized as a flood occurring on average once in 85 years. James O’Connor, then a city geologist and associate professor of earth sciences at University of the District of Columbia, determined that even a 25-year flood would cause Rock Creek’s water level to rise 15 feet above the banks at the zoo’s southern entrance. A 100-year flood, he found in comparison, would cause it to rise 20 feet.

The zoo and Rock Creek Park were not the only places in D.C. to feel Agnes' force. The Potomac River rose 15.5 feet at the foot of Wisconsin Avenue in Georgetown, creating the third-worst flood in 100 years, according to the National Weather Service.

The storm hit Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania even harder. A total of 13 deaths and $126 million in damages were recorded in Virginia. Dulles International Airport recorded 11.88 inches in a 24-hour period. There were 19 deaths in Maryland and $110 million in damages. While flooding in D.C. proved less than devastating, two deaths occurred when a family went wading in Rock Creek and two children were swept away. The city also saw a fair amount of property damage.

A controversial interstate highway project at the time, the Three Sisters Bridge west of Georgetown, was finally wiped out by Agnes, according to accounts in 2006’s The Great Society Subway. Although anti-freeway activists had already stalled construction, the floodwaters washed away what had been built. The Washington Post wrote at the time that the bridge, which would have connected Arlington County to K Street NW via the Georgetown waterfront, "officially was killed for the third or fourth time yesterday. This time it looks unusually permanent."

Metrorail construction was also delayed by the Agnes deluge.

Bad Boys: Police officials like to boast of record-setting statistics, but a new set of numbers aren't likely to cause any joy near Judiciary Square. By mid-June, 16 Metropolitan Police Department officers have been arrested this year; all of last year, the total number was only 17. The vast majority of D.C. cops arrested get busted for domestic violence or drunk driving. We're not sure if that's supposed to make people feel better, or worse. -4

Better Safe Than Sorry?: After the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, a whole new set of fortifications and walls went up around the Pentagon, making it pretty tough to drive anywhere near the building without proper credentials. That didn't stop a suspicious backpack from prompting authorities to close highways and exit ramps around the Defense Department headquarters this morning. By late afternoon, an alleged suspect, Yonathan Melaku, was in custody for allegedly vandalizing cars in Leesburg, Va. He's in the Marine Reserves. Since no bombs went off, commuters in northern Virginia may want Melaku tried on a more serious charge: disrupting rush hour. -2

Cheetahs Are The New Pandas: Ever since Tai Shan shipped back off to China, the cute factor on the eastern side of Connecticut Avenue NW between Woodley Park and Cleveland Park has been a bit lacking. (No offense to any readers who live there—you all look marvelous.) New photos the National Zoo released today of adorable cheetah cubs, though, give some hope for the future. The cubs are in Front Royal, Va., for now, but we expect them to make their way to the District quickly—after all, can cheetahs do anything any other way? +3

Doughnut Wars: The idea of a fried chicken-and-doughnut sandwich would seem to be sufficiently absurd—albeit also delicious—that it could only occur to one person in a city at a time. (Though we suppose the Double Down goes to show anything is possible.) But not here in D.C.: ChurchKey and the U Street Music Hall are feuding over who invented the idea first. The food coma that would result after eating one, though, should ensure that things don't get too heated. +1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 62 Today's score: -2 Friday bonus: +2 Today's Needle rating: 62

It Was Much Better Than Cats: Look around long enough in almost any alley in the District, and chances are you'll find a cat. To most people, that's not real cause for concern; authorities say that for Nico Dauphine, a National Zoo researcher who specializes in bird conservation, alley cats represented a veritable feline menace. Police charged Dauphine with attempted cruelty to animals for allegedly poisoning food left for stray cats in Malcolm X Park. Her lawyer disputes the charges, but we suspect if the case goes to trial, the jury will hear about "Apocalypse Meow: Free-Ranging Cats and the Destruction of American Wildlife," the title of a lecture Dauphine gave at the University of Georgia in 2009. Meanwhile, others are sterilizing alley cats, then returning them to alleys—which the cats probably prefer to the poison approach. -3

Petworth Makes, the World Takes: Growing food in the backyard isn't just a hobby; with the U.S. government possibly poised to default on its bonds this summer, it's practically a survival skill. Apparently someone in Petworth has figured out an ancillary skill: plundering gardens. Massive herb plants were pulled up from a house in the neighborhood, the gardener, Deborah Bennett, writes on a local email list. The haul: Sage, tarragon, thyme, rosemary, and oregano. No parsley, at least, which means police probably don't need to question Paul Simon when he's in town for a concert this week. -2

Photo Alarm: And now, time for another in a disturbing series of incidents in which a security guard incorrectly tells someone they're not allowed to take photographs in public. Today's installment: the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms headquarters near Florida and New York avenues NE, where a guard informed The District Curmudgeon that it was illegal to shoot pictures of federal buildings. Which it isn't. This time, at least, there's a happy ending—the guard apologized when told he was wrong, and drove off. -1

Fit But You Know It: Bike lanes and farmers markets may be tough for politicians to figure out how to handle, but apparently they're good for arbitrary rankings. Which is why the D.C. region ranked as the second-fittest area in the country in a new list compiled by the American College of Sports Medicine. Minneapolis/St. Paul ranked first. The scores each region got, which are evidently so scientific they need a decimal point to report (D.C. got 76.8, the Twin Cities a 77.2), were based on obesity rates, smoking rates, availability of exercise trails and farmers markets, and other factors. Last year, D.C. won; if we want to take the title next year, apparently, we'll all have to act more Minnesotan. +1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 60 Today's score: -5 Today's Needle rating: 55

On April 20, 1983, a magpie that had escaped from the National Zoo a week earlier was finally recaptured, after traveling through both Arlington and Alexandria in its attempt for freedom.

The magpie, which had lived at the zoo since being donated in 1973, escaped through wires "knocked awry by the constant walking of parakeets with whom he shared the enclosure," according to an April 21 report in The Washington Post.

Virginia residents nicknamed the bird "Ivanhoe" during his sojourn into the state, and called the zoo with questions on how to capture him.

As the Post reported at the time:

Wednesday afternoon, phone calls began coming in, recalls zoo official Joan Smith. People described him as "a two-foot-long blue bird with an orange bill that squawks a lot." The length may have been slightly exaggerated but not the voice. "He's very vocal," says Smith. "You would never mistake him for a bluejay or any of our local birds."

Ivanhoe reached Alexandria by Sunday and his size, voice and plummage was quickly noticed by residents, who called the zoo Monday to ask if anyone was missing. Zoo officials told them to feed him oranges, apples or raisins and if possible to coax him into a garage.

On Tuesday, he was still there, springing from limb to limb in fir trees, alighting on the ground to peck at the food people put out and disappearing to some unknown place at night.

Zoo officials attempted to capture him with a trap baited with fruit and baby mice—a "treat to a magpie diet." The attempt failed.

But on April 20, they tried again, placing a bird that had shared Ivanhoe's cage in a trap. When that bird, an American Pinyon jay, called to Ivanhoe, he came over to investigate. Officials grabbed him, and returned him to the zoo.

While zoo officials celebrated the success, one Alexandria resident wasn't so thrilled.

"I miss him," Sarah Gabbert told the Post. Ivanhoe was nabbed in her back yard. "I have pigeons back there now."

Photo by Flickr user Rev Dan Catt using an Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic Creative Commons license

All Your BlackBerries Are Belong to Us: It's bad enough that the government is going to shut down, making the U.S. look more and more like the sort of country that used to be relegated to the newsbriefs in the "world" section of newspapers (when newspapers still ran lengthy "world" sections), plagued with bizarre and amusing political and budgetary squabbles. Even more embarrassing: The worst part about it, to many government workers, is the loss of their federal email accounts. Yes, D.C. is a status-obsessed town, where "status" is usually determined by just how obsessed by work you are. Still. If you can't go a few days without checking your email—oh, wait, sorry, we just have to reply to something real fast and then we'll finish this item. -1

Congratulations, It's a Leopard!: The baby boom continues at the National Zoo. Zoo officials say their female leopard, Sita, gave birth to two cubs late last month—and they're significantly cuter than the baby anteaters born a short while before that. Male leopard Ta Moon is the father. No word on how the possible government shutdown will affect Ta Moon's ability to take paternity leave. +4

Virginia is for Racially Clueless Politicians: Five years ago, then-Sen. George Allen of Virginia lost his seat, and probably a decent shot at the 2008 GOP presidential nomination, in part because of a controversy that erupted after he called a volunteer for his opponent's campaign "macaca," which happened to be a racial slur used mostly to describe people with dark skin (which, gee, the volunteer happened to have). Which means you'd think Allen might be extra sensitive about racial matters now that he's running again for the Senate. You would be wrong. The other night, talking to NBC4 reporter Craig Melvin (who's black), Allen asked him—apparently for the second time—what position he played. Melvin never played sports. And Allen may not have assumed he did just because of Melvin's race—but voters may well wind up wondering if he did. -2

Virginia is Also for Follically Clueless Would-Be Politicians: When he's not busy firing people on national television, Donald Trump enjoys indulging in the inane fantasy that President Obama wasn't born in the United States, pretending to be preparing to run for the Oval Office himself—and now, apparently, making wine in the Old Dominion. Trump bought the Kluge Estate Winery and Vineyard near Charlottesville, spending $6 million for 800 acres. Look for Trump Blanc de Noir at liquor stores near you sometime soon. -1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 63 Today's score: 0 Today's Needle rating: 63

Winter Storm Washed: The first time snow was forecast for D.C. after Vince Gray was sworn in as mayor, it missed the city. The District's luck changed last week, but now it looks like the Gray administration's snow plan—don't let it snow—is working again, as an ice storm that was originally projected for the region should steer north of the city. The federal government, not taking any chances, will let workers telecommute or take unscheduled leave, anyway. +1

Panda Procreation: Butterstick watchers of the world, unite! The National Zoo is officially holding its collective breath, as trainers attempted artificial insemination of Mei Xiang over the weekend. The artificial insemination was the backup plan; Tian Tian tried, but failed, to mate with Mei Xiang on Saturday. The Zoo should know by the spring whether another cub is on the way. If not, China may replace the panda couple—presumably under the manufacturer's warranty provision in the lease for the animals. +2

Casa de Clinton: Sure, most Washingtonians couldn't just sign some papers and become a running back in the NFL. But if you've got $2.5 million lying around, you could at least pretend. Redskins star Clinton Portis has listed his McLean home for sale, complete with an "open and airy solarium." Alas, no mention of a "shark tank/pool/grotto complex," like former Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas had at his pad. +1

What It Takes: Running for president isn't easy; there's all the trips to Iowa and New Hampshire, the fundraising, the questions about where you were born, and of course, the requirement in the Constitution that you be 35 years old. A shortcut is available instead—you could just win the Nationals contest to be a racing president. There's no age minimum, and in fact, being over 35 is unlikely to help, but you do have to be between 5'7" and 6'6" to fit the costumes. As it happens, that's helpful if you want to do it the hard way, too. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 47 Today's score: +6 Today's Needle rating: 53

Pandas Stay Put: People think of the District as a transient place, but the dirty little secret of most people who move here for work is that once they arrive, they find they kind of like it. And they stick around (just ask former Sen. Byron Dorgan, who recently signed up with a D.C. law firm instead of moving back to North Dakota). That rule goes for pandas, too. Chinese officials, in town for President Hu Jintao's state visit, announced that the pair of pandas at the National Zoo will extend their stint in D.C. for another five years, in exchange for $2.5 million. Remember, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian—you're required to get a D.C. driver's license once you've been here 30 days or more. +4

WTOP Gets Owned: In the famed "glass-enclosed nerve center" from which all-news radio WTOP monitors the region, there's only one big story today–the station's been sold. Deseret Management, a for-profit arm of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, sold 'TOP and other Bonneville International stations in Chicago, St. Louis, and Cincinnati to Hubbard Broadcasting Inc., which operates out of Minnesota, for $505 million. No word yet on rumors that weather and traffic will now move from the eights to the sixes. +1

Park Underneath, Please: The days of vast, and often empty, parking lots standing between the sidewalk and D.C. retail could be coming to an end. New rules proposed by the Office of Planning and Zoning would require stores to put parking lots under or behind their main building, instead of in front. Prediction: If that makes it into law, AAA will declare this yet another piece of D.C.'s war on cars. Oh, and also, streetscapes around town will look a lot better. +2

D.C. Council Bonanza: Say one thing for whichever D.C. voters actually bother to turn out for the April 26 special election for an at-large D.C. Council seat—they won't lack for choices. Two candidates officially declared their interest in the race today, Republican Patrick Mara and Ward 1 activist Bryan Weaver, and Vincent Orange (who is rapidly becoming the Harold Stassen of District politics) tells the Post he'll probably run, too. By the time Election Day arrives, is there anyone who's registered to vote in D.C. who won't be on the ballot? +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 52 Today's score: +9 Today's Needle rating: 61

No Taxation Without Taxation Without Representation: Tired of watching the District get shoved around by the feds? Just this once, savor the usual order of things being reversed. The IRS announced today that federal income taxes will be due on Monday, April 18, instead of Friday, April 15, because April 15 is Emancipation Day, a D.C. holiday. Power to the people! (On April 18, of course, the District's 600,000 residents will still all have to pay taxes to fund a federal government in which we have no voice in Congress.) +2

Flip That White House: Lest any Tea Party types get any ideas about cutting the federal budget deficit, a home equity loan against 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW isn't likely to yield as much cash as it would have before the economy collapsed. A new estimate says the White House would fetch about $253.1 million if it were sold, down 23.5 percent from $331.5 million at the height of the housing boom. And to think people say D.C. home prices have held their value! -1

Flip That Mayor: The District's 10 percent unemployment rate was a frequent topic during the run-up to the September primary between Then Mayor Adrian Fenty and Now Mayor Vince Gray. For statistical reasons, if nothing else, Gray may be pleased to learn today that Fenty won't be adding to the ranks of unemployed Washingtonians. The one-time wünderkind of city politics has signed up with the Greater Talent Network as a "national leader in the area of urban education reform" who will give speeches on the topic of "Changing Tomorrow, Today." With catchy slogans like that, it's hard to believe he lost! +2

Millions and Millions: The recent decision by the D.C. Lottery to join Mega Millions as well as Powerball could pay off tonight for some lucky Washingtonian, as the jackpot in the Mega Millions drawing has hit $330 million. Yes, we know, playing the lottery is not a particularly wise use of one's hard-earned money. But the way prices are going, can you even buy a dream for $1 anywhere else anymore? +1 UPDATE: The D.C. Lottery now says the jackpot is $355 million, up from $330 million. Players win! Winners play!

Let the Eagle Soar (No More): The bald eagle is the symbol of America. But we'll leave it up to semioticians (or, as Dan Brown would call them, "symbologists") to decode the layers upon layers of meaning in the news that the National Zoo had to euthanize Sam, one of only two bald eagles in the park, on Dec. 31. Sam lived a hard life; she came to D.C. a refugee, after being found in Alaska with a gunshot wound in 1986. More bad news, symbolism-wise: The zoo's other eagle isn't even on display, moved to an undisclosed location because of construction on the seal and sea lion exhibit. -4

Yesterday's Needle rating: 65 Today's score: 0 Today's Needle rating: 65

Tipsy Tenth: Ever feel like the drivers around you are incompetent or blind? Turns out, they're probably just drunk. A AAA Mid-Atlantic survey finds one in ten drivers admits to driving drunk in the last year alone. Since only die-hard drunk drivers are likely to volunteer to a AAA researcher that they've done it, odds are that figure is actually much higher. And now, in order to muster the courage to brave the potentially dangerous bike ride home surrounded by drunk drivers, we're off to start drinking. -3

Baby Boom: The animals at the National Zoo are, apparently, mating like, well, animals. The year's already seen lion cubs and baby anteaters; now comes word of baby cheetahs. Both Amani and Zazi, female cheetahs, gave birth to cubs earlier this month at the zoo's research facility in Front Royal, Va. At this rate, zoo officials may have to hand out birth control pills to humans visiting the park, just in case. +2

Shuttle Shuttered: These days on H Street NE, it's not at all uncommon to see cabs with Virginia plates dropping off fares. Which is why news that the H Street Shuttle is closing down is unlikely to make much of a splash. Sure, years ago, the bars in the neighborhood needed all the help they could get to convince people who didn't live nearby to venture that way. But now? It only carries about 6,000 people per month, which works out to 200 a day; since the X2 and X9 Metro bus run the same route, the shuttle seems superfluous. After all, some Saturdays, you can find 200 people just waiting in line to get in to some of the bars. +1

Virginia is Not for History Lovers: When a history textbook used in Virginia schools reported the previously unknown fierce loyalty of southern black soldiers to the Confederacy, it apparently set off some alarm bells in the Old Dominion. Educators combed through the text and—surprise!—found more errors, though few of them were quite as glaring as that one. Remember, Virginians: Those who don't learn the lessons of history are doomed to go through life even more misinformed than most other Americans. Which is pretty misinformed, indeed. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 67 Today's score: -2 Today's Needle rating: 65

Baltimore United?: Has there ever been a more nefarious, underhanded state than Maryland? Our northern neighbors have embarked on a campaign to snatch D.C. United out of the District and relocate the team to Baltimore, putting out a study predicting up to $6.4 million in state and local revenues if the Maryland Stadium Authority built United a new home. Those revenue projections would fall short if the team keeps playing as badly as it did this year, which reduced attendance. We're with United no matter what, but we'd prefer not to have to take a MARC train to the matches. (In other soccer news, Barcelona will play Manchester United here on July 30—if Barça wants to move to D.C., then maybe we'd be okay with Baltimore moving north.) -2

You Want More Bikes? You Got More Bikes!: If the frigid weather lately has you longing for a nice bike ride, you are officially in luck. District Department of Transportation and Arlington County officials have secured money to expand the popular Capital Bikeshare program, with 20 new stops in D.C. and 16 new stations in Arlington. Ride them now, while you still can, before DDOT boss Gabe Klein departs and takes all the bike lanes away with him. (They fit very nicely in a carry-on.) +3

Hail Mary: This hasn't been the best year for the Washington Redskins. But this Sunday, as they stride into battle behind quarterback Rex "Sexy Rexy" Grossman, the team may have some help from a higher power. Donald Wuerl, the archbishop of Washington who was recently elevated to cardinal, has officially converted from Pittsburgh Steeler fan to Redskins devotee. Which means that if the Jacksonville Jaguars beat the Redskins, it's because God is dead. +2

Ants Beware: The District's population of giant anteaters expanded by one today—a baby was born at the National Zoo to proud anteater parents Maripi and Dante. It was the third anteater born at the zoo since the pair arrived on loan from Nashville in 2006. And yes, this item officially means it's a slow news day. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 59 Today's score: +5 Erev Christmas Eve bonus: +2 Today's Needle rating: 66

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My: Okay, they're not pandas. But the debut Monday of the National Zoo's lion cubs should still set off alarms for possible cute overload. All seven of the cubs, born over the summer, will be "previewed" for Friends of the National Zoo members tomorrow, then—depending on weather—released outside early next week. As federal workers, of course, the lions won't get a pay raise next year. +4

Trust Us!: Metro has always been at war with Oceania. That is, essentially, the message of a video the transit agency posted to justify their planned random searches of passengers' bags: There's no reason for alarm! Everything will work smoothly! The soothing words of reassurance about the searches—which are likely to be utterly useless from a security standpoint, but quite effective at inconveniencing riders and raising constitutional questions—might be more comforting if they didn't involve the mysterious phrase "ionization technology" and the banal one "Transportation Security Administration." -3

Maternity Lane: People do some strange things in their cars on the way to work in the morning—shave, read the paper, drink coffee. And in the case of one woman who pulled over to the side of I-270 near Montrose Road in Montgomery County, deliver a baby. 911 operators talked her and a man in the car through the process during rush hour. With traffic as bad as it is in the D.C. area, the only really surprising thing about this story is that it doesn't happen more often. +3

Sexy Rexy: Last year, the Redskins were 4-12 by the end of the season. This year, they won't be 4-12, but only because they've already won five games; good thing, too, because in most other respects, the team looks like it's trying hard to top the 2009 debacle. Today's ludicrous news? Coach Mike Shanahan is benching quarterback Donovan McNabb so he can take a look at what Rex Grossman has to offer. We're starting to think this is all part of an elaborate cinéma vérité remake of The Bad News Bears. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 49 Today's score: +2 Friday bonus: +2 Today's Needle rating: 53