Next Stop, Knoxville: The recession may, officially, be over. But consumer spending hasn't returned to normal levels—and if you needed more proof of that, the rapturous greetings with which the news of Megabus' expanded service from D.C. should suffice. The discount bus line will run direct routes from the District to Boston; Buffalo, Charlotte, N.C.; Hampton, Va.; Harrisburg, Penn.; Knoxville, Tenn.; Pittsburgh; Raleigh-Durham, N.C.; Richmond; and Toronto. Service to Baltimore, New York and Philadelphia is already available. The thought of riding a bus to Knoxville is depressing enough without the consolation of free on-board WiFi. +3

Washington Coliseum Re-Invaded: There may not actually be any Beatles fans who don't already own digital copies of most of the group's canon, but just in case, Apple hyped today's announcement that the Fab Four were available on iTunes with a PR blitz that probably rivaled the one the band's promoters put on for their first U.S. tour 46 years ago. Part of the hype: Streaming video of the Beatles' Feb. 11, 1964, show at the Washington Coliseum, complete with pre-concert shots of the band riding through D.C.'s mobbed streets. To really get the full experience, and fully support the Apple marketing machine, bring your 3G-enabled iPad to the shell of the Coliseum and watch it outside. +1

"Snowmageddon" Will Live Forever: It wasn't just a legendary blizzard—now "Snowmageddon" has officially been declared one of the top words of 2010. Of course, other top words include Sarah Palin's "refudiate," "spillcam," and the Jersey Shore-inspired "guido and guidette." Which only serves as a reminder of what a comprehensively silly year this was. +1

Vick-timized: Hours after signing Donovan McNabb to a five-year, $88 million contract, the Redskins were mauled by Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles on national television, losing 590-28. Er, sorry, that's 59-28; it only felt like 590. As punishment for presiding over such a debacle, we propose Redskins owner Dan Snyder be tied up in a basement and made to fight abused pit bulls. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 45 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 48

Rolling up in a white Ford Explorer, Mitchell Battle scopes out a two-story house on 55th Street NE. He glides the SUV through an open set of wrought iron gates, then swivels his head several times, trying to spot lurking dangers.

In all the years he's been on the job as an animal cop, he's never been gnarled by a dog. It's always the cats that get him. Still, there's no reason to take chances. Battle knows this house has two full-grown German Shepherds, one gentle, one aggressive.

He hopes the aggressive one, the one that hurls itself against the front door in a bloodthirsty rage each time Battle approaches, isn't loose in the front yard today. Stopping his vehicle in the middle of the driveway, Battle spots neither of the  dogs, at first. Then there's a bark. His eyes pick up copper-colored fur. The dog he's come to check on, the friendly Shepherd—Battle has reason to believe it's being neglected—is standing on a short wall marked with iron fence posts.  As the pooch barks and whines, its brown eyes fix congenially on Battle. "I kind of like this dog. I kind of come by and see it every once in a while," he says as he pops his seatbelt. Battle exits the Ford and lopes towards the pet, but then stops short. Something's wrong. The dog is stuck.

A D.C. native whose mother owned nine Pugs at one point (and took in every injured animal that came across her door to boot), Battle knows critters. Being familiar with the four-legged, he uses a combination of training and instincts in these situations.

About eight years ago he started work as a Humane Law Enforcement officer for the Washington Humane Society. Back then, being an animal cop was about chasing down dog fighters. Battle remembers talking with one dog fighter who gave him a heads up on what would later become the world's most well-known dog fighting scandal: "I've been selling dogs to Michael Vick's brother," the guy confided.

"We used to get two or three calls a day about dog fights," explains Battle. But, working with the Metropolitan Police Department, he and other animal cops busted up D.C.'s three main dog fighting rings years ago, he says. That means that these days, patrolling the city for animal cruelty is more about the kind of problem he finds on 55th: "If you're not able to keep a dog properly, don't own a dog," grumbles Battle.

The Shepherd is bound by the neck by a red cord someone thought would make a good outdoor leash. When the unmonitored animal hopped onto the fenced wall, however, the cord got tangled in the fence. Battle shakes his head as he snaps pictures of the dangerous situation. There's no one home. The dog could easily end up strangling herself.

Evidence gathered, the cop gets ready for the hard part. He goes over to the Ford and fishes through the trunk, emerging with a blue slip-leash. Though the dog is friendly under normal circumstances, Battle doesn't know how she'll react to him today, since she's in distress. "Let's see how she does," Battle says, taking measured steps toward her.

A minute later, it's done: The dog is safely in a carrier. Battle writes up an impound notice and tacks it to the owner's door. Inside the house, he can hear the aggressive Shepherd snarling.

Tonight, D.C.'s Humane Society officers will be honored here.

Photos by Rend Smith

Today the courts are featuring the episode about Jackie Robinson's 1947 integration of baseball. As many times as I've seen it, damn, it's still good.

The jury pool, meanwhile, is only slightly more racially integrated than the 1946 Brooklyn Dodgers.

From what I read, that's been a problem for a while.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Did Dave Donovan used to cover Vinny Cerrato as a media man? D.C. Armor might be one and done, but NFL dreams still alive for its players? D.C. Council to recognize 1954 public school all-stars? Does that mean you're going to write about the 1954 public school all-stars again? Mike Locksley really is landing DCIAA talent all the way to New Mexico?)

***

He was born in a small town. The Daily Times-Herald of Carroll, Iowa, which Dave "Yeah, That' the Ticket!" Donovan once delivered, writes up another profile of a favorite son: the former newspaper boy turned newspaper basher (and Redskins chief operating officer).

The inspiration for the latest piece is outlined in the lede:

Kuemper Catholic High School alum David Donovan, The Washington Redskins top in-house attorney, recently received high-profile billing in a Wall Street Journal story about the team.

Not many folks from Carroll get ink in the Journal.

There's also this bio information:

As a youth David worked as a paperboy here at the Daily Times Herald and also spent time in this newspaper's circulation department. He worked for the former Sernett's department store as well.

At KCHS, Donovan was student council president and editor of the student newspaper, The Charger.

Donovan earned his bachelor's degree in 1980 from Iowa State University in journalism and political science. During his time at Iowa State, Donovan interned for the Daily Times Herald, covering general news and sports under the tutelage of former sports editor Dennis O'Grady.

Kind of humanizes Donovan, a guy who can use some humanizing after all the whoppers he's told this season — the Redskins banned signs for safety reasons, fans aren't acting any differently this season, etc. — in a miserable attempt to protect boss Dan Snyder.

That part about being an Iowa State sportswriter way back when bears greater scrutiny. Being a 1980 grad, that means there was a great chance Donovan was covering the Cyclones when they had a young quarterback named Vinny Cerrato.

The Redskins are being run by the Ames Mafia!

I ask again: What did D.C. ever do to Iowa State to deserve this?

***

Turns out the DC Armor, in the team's brief existence, indeed kept some dreams alive. The Philadelphia Eagles have just signed fullback Joel Gamble to their practice squad. Gamble's recent football background came indoors, with the DC Armor this past season. Here's a highlight.

The Armor, after one season playing before crowds slightly smaller than those the Bremers used to draw at the Grog & Tankard, have reportedly decided to pack it in. The team's website, however, urges fans to "Stayed tuned for the 2010 Season."

***

City Council Chair Vince Gray and Councilman Harry Thomas have introduced a resolution honoring the 1954 D.C. Public School High School All-Star football team.

That's the first integrated team in the DC's schoolboy sports history.

The D.C. All-Stars beat Catholic League powerhouse and all-white St. John's, 12-7, at Griffith Stadium on Dec. 4, 1954. That game has been ignored far too long. So, the more attention the merrier.

***

DCSportsFan.com reports that Coolidge football wideouts Martize Barr and Josh Ford will go to New Mexico to play for Mike Locksley.

Locksley has earned a reputation as one of the top recruiters in college ball over the last decade by funneling DC's best players into whatever program is paying him. He landed Vernon Davis when he was an assistant at Maryland and his brother Vontae Davis when he was offensive coordinator at Illinois.

Both Davises, who grew up in Petworth and played for Craig Jefferies powerhouse Dunbar teams, are now in the NFL. Arrelious Benn, another Dunbar star who was recruited nationally, also went to Illinois to play for Locksley, as did H.D. Woodson QB Eddie McGee.

New Mexico gave Locksley his first head coaching job after last season, and very little has gone smoothly since.Last May, an employee of the New Mexico athletic department accused Locksley with age and sex discrimination. That case was dropped.  Then early in this football season, Locksley got in a fight with an assistant coach that turned physical. He was briefly suspended without pay for that incident.

I spoke with the Davis Brothers a few months ago, and asked if they thought Locksley would be able to work his recruiting magic at such an outta-the-way locale. They said: Sure he will.

"Oh, he's going to bring talent that New Mexico has never seen before now," laughs Vontae. "Let me tell you that!"

Looks like he's right. Last offseason, he landed Coolidge's highly pursued quarterback/receiver tandem of Emmanuel Yeager and Derrell Person.

Yeager later left the team, however, after an arrest in Albuquerque for something called "concealing identity."  He had been pulled over for speeding and told the police that his name was "Emmanuel Yeastraiv." Not quite as catchy as the handle used by Michael Vick's herpes-friendly alter-ego, "Ron Mexico" — though "Ron New Mexico" would have worked well, all things considered.

But "Yeastraiv" seems pretty worldly for a D.C. kid to come up with in the clutch.

Yeastraiv, having reverted back to Yeager, played for Bowie State this season.

***

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On this date in 2005: Get your Tragedy Hats!

None of the Redskins marketing endeavors under Dan Snyder dropped the jaw faster than the "Redskins Flag Hat" that went on sale on the team's web site and at FedExField at the beginning of the 2005 season.

For $23.99 plus shipping where applicable, Snyder would sell you a Redskin baseball cap with a red, white and blue Pentagon stitched on the side to tug the heart strings and stir more nationalism at a time when the country was already crippled by an oversupply. The hats were a great way, according to the radio ads that ran on the sports stations owned by Snyder, to "commemorate Sept. 11."

The punch line: The proceeds weren't earmarked for any charity or cause. Unless you consider the owner's wallet a charity or cause.

Genius!

***

(AFTER THE JUMP: Bankers going for Michael Vick haters? Bob McDonnell, you lie? Boswell basking in the afterglow of his Snyder bashing? DC Divas become video stars? A bump in the Nats' Road to 100 Losses?  Jaycee Dugard jokes?)

It didn't take long for signs of the Michael Vick influence on the football season to show up. The first commercial coming out of the first pregame show on NBC this season was for Wachovia. It featured a woman and her car full of dogs, and had her talking about how she needs to save money at the bank so she can make sure her dogs are cared for.

Coincidence? Heck no!

***

Sticking with notable commercials: Virginia governor wannabe Bob McDonnell ran his new campaign spot again and again on WRC after the Steelers/Titans broadcast.

In the commercial, McDonnell is seen walking down a suburban street while being followed by a cameraman as he lists a litany of political goals for the Commonwealth. To capture the football crowd that would be watching the spots, at one point in the ad McDonnell's son interrupts the boilerplatitudes by throwing the candidate a football and asking with a big smile and an excited shriek, "Dad, how 'bout a game?"

McDonnell answers, "You're on!"

But then he keeps walking down the street and talking politics! The commercial ends with McDonnell and his family standing together at the end of the street for no good reason.

Bottom line: There is no game!

If you tell your son, Game on!, and then there is no game, how can you expect Virginia voters to trust anything you say, Mr. McDonnell? How?

Answer the question!

Butt seriously: You've never seen a lower-aiming, dumbassier ad than this one.

***

Tom Boswell came off the top rope and landed on Snyder earlier this week. In his washingtonpost.com chat yesterday, Boswell told readers, "I've never had such near-universal positive reaction to a tough column."

Pretty soon, you could hold a convention of Snyder's supporters on a golf cart. Oh, wait. Maybe you already can.

***

Albert Haynesworth seems like a real funny tough guy. In an interview that aired yesterday on WTEM, the Redskins' only major offseason acquisition was asked if the size of Giants' running back Brandon Jacobs worries him. It doesn't.

“What is he, 250 [lbs.]?" Haynesworth said. "I weighed 250 when I was in the 10th grade.”

But here's Jacobs dominating Skins' safety Laron Landry last year. "That's getting run over!"  yells John Madden about the hit, which is far more brutal than when Bo Jackson's famously gelded Brian Bosworth in a "Monday Night Football" game. Jacobs' hit was enough to get writers of the NBC TV show "Friday Night Lights" to reference it in a script last season. In a scene where some characters are watching the highlight tape Dillon High fullback Tim Riggins sent to U of Oklahoma scouts, the guys all agree he looks like "Brandon Jacobs running over Laron Landry." (God, I miss that show! Come back soon!)

***

In case you missed it: The most viral sports column of the year, on so many levels, comes from Mark Whicker of the OC Register, perhaps the only employed writer on the planet who found inspiration for giggles in the Jaycee Dugard kidnap/rape/impregnancy/enslavement.

Read his non-apology, too. And the comments! It'll take all day, but it's worth the time.

Funny is hard, and damn if I don't hear a time bomb ticking every time I try to get chuckles here, what with New Media's typing demands and aversion to paying gatekeepers. But how many folks had to sign off on Whicker's words before they actually showed up in print?

***

I was in Delaware for vacation recently.

Few states like gambling the way Delaware likes gambling. There are casinos at the fairgrounds in Harrington and at Dover Downs, where there's also horse racing.

All the talk while I was there was about the feds siding with the NFL to crush Delaware's attempt to bring in single-game football betting.

Scads of evidence of the local love for wagering were available at Kupchick's, a nice, low-key restaurant in Lewes, Del. On the bulletin board, the results of the recent Travers Stakes from Saratoga were written in magic marker above the daily dining specials. There were stacks of fliers on the counter with instructions on how to enter the deli's Suicide Pool for this NFL season, entry fee and all.

So I asked the guy behind the counter what he thought of the appeals court's ruling that stopped the state's gambling pursuits. I guessed he would.

"Somebody made a phone call," he says. "They had to help Vegas."

I'm with him. No other explanation makes sense.

***

The DC Divas lost the Sup-Her Bowl, but the First Ladies of Women's Football* are featured in a new video I discovered on youtube. It ain't ever gonna be Soulja Girls — I was the only one to have seen the video according to the Youtube counter last night, and as of this morning the count was up to just six views — but, I gotta say, the song's catchy. Sing with me: "I like football..I like it a lot...I like girls that play...and even when they're not."

This thing deserves double figures in views!

***

Nats win! Countdown to 100 Losses™ stalled at 8!

***

*Dan Snyder really did trademark "First Ladies of Football" for his cheerleaders, a clear affront not only to women's football players, but also to the guy cheerleaders in his troupe. But not surprising. Snyder's amusement park chain, Six Flags, has also tried trademarking "Daycation" and "You Are Here." He likes claiming ownership of things™.

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

***

A near-miss must-read: "A Decade of Snyder the Decider," an interactive piece that came out this week on the Washington Post's site. An amazing amount of work and brainpower went into the feature. Everything you want to know about Dan Snyder's reign is right there in a few squared inches. You just have to click and click and click and click to get it.

But in the end this delivery system is totally unsatisfying to any football fan who likes to read about the game in a real sports page. It's the difference between listening to the White Album on vinyl through a tube amp while holding the double-LP's sleeve and fingering through all the sleeve-candy, or listening to the White Album through headphones and an iPod (if it were available on iTunes, that is).

(AFTER THE JUMP: Vick Chew Toy giveaway is real? Marv Throneberry trumps Cal? The Felds run Monster Trucks, too? Harvey Grant's kid follows in Adrian Dantley's footsteps? Mark Brunell's the Bill Graham of Christian rock? Nats countdown update?)

Another thing I'll never get past: You can't take a dump with it.

***

After reading an advertisement in yesterday's real Washington Post in which a dog rescue group offered to donate bags of food for every tackle of Michael Vick, I tried making a joke about an animal rights group's putting a bounty on the recovering dogfighter in the headline of my post: "And If You Break Michael Vick’s Leg, We’ll Throw in a Chew Toy!"

Well, as pointed out by a reader, turns out life imitates bad humor. The chew toy offer has already been made, minus the broken bones.

A group called Bark for Awareness will give away an Official Vick Dog Chew Toy™ to any dog-saving group for every touchdown the Eagles score this year. Go here to register for the freebies.

***

A DC sporting tradition is about to be restored: Jerian Grant, a son of ex-Bullet Harvey Grant, is going to play basketball at Notre Dame.

The DeMatha senior just gave a verbal commitment to the Notre Dame staff. And that puts Grant at the front of a long line of locals to make the same pledge.

From DeMatha alone, there's Bob Whitmore (Class of 1965), Sid Catlett ('67), and future NCAA player of the year and NBA Hall of Famer Adrian Dantley ('73). Other DC stars at Notre Dame over the years have included Austin Carr of Mackin, Tracy Jackson of Paint Branch, Gonzaga's Tom Sluby and Potomac of Oxon Hill's Monty Williams.

The Notre Dame bench, of course, also features head coach Mike Brey (DeMatha Class of '77) and his assistant, Rod Balanis (Class of '88).

***

Thom Loverro shows his Greatness with "Marv Throneberry's Number Stolen," a blog post inspired by the theft of the #8 monument earlier this week from Camden Yards.

Other writers have focused on another Oriole who had that number. To Loverro, it belongs to Marvelous Marv, the first famous, or infamous, O's player to sport it.

"Throneberry came to the Orioles in a trade with the Kansas City Athletics for Gene Stephens in the middle of the 1961 season," Loverro writes. "He would go on to play first base and hit five home runs and 11 RBI over 65 games in two half seasons. He was traded to the New York Mets in May 1962 for cash and a player to be named later, which turned out to be catcher Hobie Landrith."

And, oh, right: "Other Orioles who have worn number 8 include Andy Etchebarren and Cal Ripken," Loverro writes.

***

The Felds, who have been sort of the First Family of Fun for fifty years or so, have quietly become a force in big-league motorsports.

The now-Northern Virginia-based corporation was founded by Izzy and Irvin Feld, a pair of snake oil selling (really!) siblings from Hagerstown who got their DC empire started at Super Cut Rate Drugs, a pharmacy on 7th St. NW in Shaw. The Felds' production company went on to own Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus, Disney on Ice and High School Musical.

But in recent years the Felds have taken over control of big chunks of the motocross and monster trucks and drag racing realms. The corporation pulls strings for the International Hot Rod Association, among the world's premier sanctioning bodies for dragging. have just announced they have brought Virginia Motorsports Park, a drag strip in Petersburg, Va., back as a big league IHRA venue.

Of course, some folks are still a little peeved at the Felds for putting Buddy Holly on a tour of the Midwest in the winter of 1959 in a bus with no working heater, causing the young genius to lease an airplane and crash and die in an Iowa field, and then the Felds made the surviving rockers continue the tour rather than take a break to go to Buddy's funeral.

What would the world look like if only Buddy's bus had heat?

***

Mark Brunell and Dan Snyder are still doing some business: Over Labor Day, the Newsboys, a Christian rock group, played Six Flags America in Largo.

The Newsboys record for inPop Records, a Nashville label for godly groups co-owned by Brunell and other major figures in the controversial Every Nation Church.

Countdown to 100 Losses: Nats lose, 6-5, in Philadelphia. That puts the team's 2009 record at 47-92, just eight defeats away from the Century mark.

***

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If you really want to remember Ted with your credit card number, you can donate money to this vaguely defined foundation. Though these might be going cheaper.

After the jump: convenience, tragic irony, more

Usually the quality of a Style section piece is in inverse proportion to its use of italics (Q.E.D.), but Hank Stuever's piece on Wawa and Sheetz is a minor miracle. Best line: "From behind the eyeholes in a giant goose costume, she says, 'the world starts to look really different.'"

Dog belonging to Robin Starr, the head of Richmond's SPCA, dies in her car. Two Augusts ago, Starr wrote an op-ed calling for a long sentence for Michael Vick. There are no easy parallels between Vick's dogs' deaths and hers, but I think we can all agree this is tragic irony.

AND HE SHALL BE LIVAN!

Right now, teams of writers for late-night TV are struggling to craft the perfect lesbian-parents joke. I hope they nail it!

You know that sport where people stand on a surfboard and paddle down the Potomac? Are they at all worried about getting cut in two by the Dandy? Please advise!

Thank you, that is all for today.

• Does anyone else find this kinda poignant and sad? Also kinda related: Post computers drive tech writer to cloud.
• Ruth Samuelson corner: 1) Now that's "getting" Results! 2) Madness in Capitol Hill: Is it Acker Place NE or Acker Street NE? Please help us out if you can. Amanda Hess corner: CP sex columnist accidentally sets Coeur d'Alene ablaze on her way out.
• Doing more with less: famous people reduce cup sizes.
• Throwing a hot dog down Middle America's hall: "Hipster Grifter" Law & Order episode planned?
• My wife is British, and her family members complain, often justifiably, all the time about the NHS. It is a royal (fnar) pain in the ass, you have to schedule OB/GYN visits a year in advance, you don't get private rooms in hospital. BUT: I for instance pay about $800/month for my employer-"provided" health care. And when my kid got sick last time we were over, they treated him no questions asked. Health care, like roads, is basic infrastructure stuff, one of the few things government can do well. So I'm with the Brit Twits here.
• Nats lose. And Redskins prepare to embark on another wacky season. Hey, why's there a Michael Vick Skins jersey for sale? It's the curse!

Good for him.

But these Friedgen-Lost-Weight stories are threatening to be like the Michael-Westbrook-Is-Finally-Focused articles that used to run around here every year at this time. Friedgen, remember, got just as much notice for dropping weight in 2002.

Friedgen had announced he was losing 100 pounds, and coerced Terp boosters to donate $1,000 per pound toward the building fund for the Gossett Team House, a facility for athletes. Whatever lbs. he lost while fundraising he got back real quick, with interest.

I always wondered if Friedgen gave the money back.

***

The Washington Post won't run Tank McNamara's Michael Vick story line.

Michael Cavna, on the Post's Comic Riffs blog, says Managing Editor Raju Narisetti decided the panels were "inappropriate."

The Post didn't censor McNamara during the 2000 football season, when the strip ripped Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder repeatedly, and honored him with its annual "Sports Jerk of the Year" award.

In a 2004  Q&A on washingtonpost.com, "Tank McNamara" creator Jeff Millar explained how and why Snyder got the nod:

(AFTER THE JUMP: Why's Snyder a jerk? In local sports radio, Ed Bradley lives on? Tom Boswell jinxes the Nats, too?)

"The contest is we invite readers at the beginning of each year to nominate someone as "Sports Jerk of the Year." This is someone who has distinguised him or herself as doing something that make him/her exceedingly unpopular. For example, Dan Snyder, the owner of the Washington Redskins won one year, likely due to the participation of the Washington Post readers. He bought the Washington Redskins from the estate of a longtime, much beloved owner and, according to all accounts, starting kicking people out of windows and starting such unprecedented revenue streams as charging admission to training camp."

***

Everybody's asking if there's enough of an audience to support two sports radio stations.

The bigger question: Is there enough local talent? Last night's evening host on WJFK was Holden Kushner, who identified himself as a satellite radio jock. He spent the earlier portions of the show railing about Michael Vick's upcoming "60 Minutes" appearance.

Kushner railed that James Brown, the DeMatha grad and longtime WTOP sportscaster back in his pre-national days, will only lob softballs. We'd find out what kind of man Vick really was, Kushner railed, if "60 Minutes" gave the assignment to Ed Bradley.

Kushner came back after the next break and, not railing, apologized for not knowing Ed Bradley was dead.

Bradley died in 2006.

Then again, it all made for some great radio. And Kushner's right about James Brown.

***

The Nationals get bombed.  Yesterday, the Washington Post had a piece summarizing the turnaround. That story said that it all started on July 24, when Jim Riggleman yelled at his team, with its then-.292 winning percentage, and the Nats went on to win 12 of the next 16 games.

To which we say: Looks like a lot of revisionist history is going on! Around here we know that the turnaround started four games earlier, with the Nats winning at just a .290 clip, when Cheap Seats Daily unilaterally declared "Thunderation" as the Nats unofficial official fight song and offered up the first of two consecutive Guaranteed Win Nights. The team won 14 of its next 20!

Sorry, Washington Post and Riggleman, but: We think we launched the turnaround!

But, while historians may one day quibble about when the 2009 Nats' turnaround actually started and who started it, there will no such quibbling about when the 2009 Nats' turnaround turned around, or who started it.

The when: Last night, with the 8-1 pounding by Atlanta.

The who: Tom Boswell, the anti-Midas who returned from a vacation after missing all the baseball gayety around here, just in time to jinx it all!

But, Boswell does do Cheap Seats Daily a solid: He uses the 20-game sample we favor, not the 16-game sample used in yesterday's  Washington Post story, to prove the Nats turnaround, thereby validating Thunderation's role.

But, whatever. All the fun's over now. Thanks, Boz!

Good thing it's football season!

***

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Sports leagues, like romantic relationships, can't survive taking a break. Last year AFL owners thought they were different, announcing that while they'd be spending the 2009 season apart, they weren't breaking up.

Again: Just need some space. Just taking some time off from each other before getting back together.

Well, this week, several AFL owners leaked to the press the date that they'll be getting back together: The 12th....OF NEVER!

The AFL is dead.

The disbanding means, alas, Dan Snyder won't ever bring us the AFL team he promised back in 1999.

(AFTER THE JUMP: MMA is the next arena football? How many Redskins blogs are out there? Dan Steinberg marvels at whose muscles? The Washington Times toasts Bruce Smith? Michael Vick is partying where? The Nats are still playing?)

Snyder bought the DC franchise rights for the AFL shortly after taking over the Redskins. He said back then that he was going to name the indoor team the Warriors, and registered trademarks for that name and for an arrow-and-feather logo and helmet design.

Then Snyder never made any move toward putting that team together.

At the time, I figured Snyder only registered the marks because it looked like he could lose federal trademark protections on "Redskins" for being racist, and he wanted a fall-back name ready.

All these years later, I still agree with myself. Guess we'll never know what his real intentions were.

No official announcement of the league's disbanding has yet appeared on the AFL's web site.

However, the league's "Mission Statement" is still prominently placed:

“To serve our community with pride and passion as a quality example of individual and team excellence on the field, in the office, at the arena and within the community by consistently exceeding our customers’ expectations by demonstrating the highest character, appreciation and respect for our game, customers, teammates and partners as a cost-effective and visionary organization providing a total entertainment experience.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Among the few things I can think of more boring than reading the AFL Mission Statement is watching an arena football game.

Columnist Ray Ratto takes the indoor football and runs with it. Ratto links indoor football with Twitter, and says UFC is the next AFL.

I agree.

***

In case you missed it: Dan Snyder's SIX Flags lost another $121 million-plus change this spring. Who's to blame? God, government, Mother Nature, Swine Flu, Jesus' death, and minimum wage employees, say Dan Snyder and Six Flags co-captain Mark Shapiro.

And so what if Six Flags is in the toilet? Dan Snyder just wants to win, dammit!

***

The Great Dan Steinberg marvels at the big muscles the Redskins have. Thank goodness the NFL has been so out-front in the drug testing realm, so that I and other media types, not to mention all football fans, don't have to waste a single second wondering whether ANY of these behemoths achieved this unnatural looking state through any means other than just eating real good and throwing lots of steel!

Way to keep it clean, NFL! Just say no, kids!

***

The Michael Vick Watch goes on off the football field, too. An event called the "Michael Vick Community Celebration" scheduled for this weekend in his hometown of Newport News, Va., was cancelled because, organizers said, Vick had to be in Atlanta for a Humane Society event.

But then no animal rights types in Atlanta would confirm that Vick is supposed to be there, either.

The big questions: What sort of creeps would organize a Vick "celebration" now? Who can even be near the guy and look at him without thinking, "Yucky!"?

***

Speaking of troubled Tidewater athletes: Real odd story in the Washington Times with longtime football writer Dave Elfin working mightily to try to rehab Bruce Smith's image just after the Hokie/Bill/Redskin's conviction on a third DUI arrest in 12 years.

The city of Virginia Beach cancelled a party that was going to celebrate Smith's induction to the Hall of Fame because of his drinking and driving problems.

Elfin argues that for a guy with three DUI arrests he's great with kids, and a great businessman, too, for a guy with three DUI arrests.

"If I hadn't done what I did on the football field," Smith  says of his buying things for an old football coach in his hometown, "I wouldn't have been afforded the opportunity to give back in such a fashion."

Well, there's that, Bruce, plus: you'd be in jail now.

***

The blog DC Pro Sports Report has a compendium of all the Redskins sites out there. Good god, you won't believe how many there are.

***

Nats have a six-run eighth and beat Florida, 6-4. Greatest comeback win of the season! Three-game winning streak!

Uh, oh! This just in: Until further notice, it's still football season! Just as things were getting exciting! Darn!

***

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I like his thinking. Arrington's, that is.

Orakpo signed last night and will be dressed out today. The Sporting News ranked the Redskins as the best fit for Vick.

***

The Vick influence, meanwhile, remains profound. Ultimate fighting opponents for years have tried to keep states from sanctioning MMA by calling it "human cockfighting," a term made famous by Sen. John McCain. But McCain's tag did nothing to stop the spread of the cage matches. So, New York legislators opposed to seeing the sport, or whatever you want to call it, sanctioned in their state have adopted "human dogfighting" as their catch phrase.

***

Speaking of guerilla marketing: Larry Weisman looks more like a brilliant hire for Dan Snyder every day.

(AFTER THE JUMP:New Skins PR official calls team "mediocre"?)

Weisman, a longtime USA Today pro football correspondent, now writes press releases for the Redskins that look a lot like his old-school journalism. And real news organizations that are either lazy or duped have been treating the releases like news stories. (What's up with that, ESPN?)

But, because Weisman was so prolific in his final days as a newspaperman, his pieces are still trickling out as he starts working for Snyder. The Sporting News recently published a state of the team piece that Weisman co-authored before Snyder began paying for his services.

Here's some highlights from Larry's last ride in journalism, headlined "Mediocre Returns on Big Investments":

"The modern Redskins are spring champions and winners of free agency — and not much else...Since Daniel Snyder bought the franchise in 1999, it has one division title and two playoff victories, accolades hardly worth the megamillions Washington has burned through trying to get the best players of the day...An 8-8 team, the Redskins appeared happy to just tread water this year.

The Redskins want to run the ball, but Clinton Portis faded down the stretch in '08. He's a high-mileage player for his age — he turns 28 on Sept. 1 — and lacks a downfield burst at this stage in his career.... The offensive line is past ripe, the quarterback has not matured and the receivers are in transition. They rely too heavily on Portis on offense, and on defense, they'll bank on Haynesworth to elevate everyone's level...Even with all that, this team will be hard-pressed to make the playoffs in the competitive NFC East...Bottom line: The Redskins are a mediocre team."

Tell it like it was, Larry! At the very least, Snyder has to worry about one less guy out there who'll write this stuff.

***

Speaking of spurned ex-Redskins: Mike Wise bottles Jon Jansen's whine about getting cut by Snyder. The team's press release at the time of Jansen's release made it sound like he died comfortably, surrounded by friends and family. The warm and fuzzy vibe ain't nowhere in Wise's fine piece.

***

Nats lose. Big. All the hopes and dreams fans had for the team for those few days in late July 2009 are gone.

Football season?

***

Just hours after President Obama met with Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley at the White House in hopes of converting the brouhaha into a brew-haha, TruthAboutIt reminds us of one of pre-Post-Racial America's funnest pastimes:  Mocking whitey on the basketball court.

The level of racial profiling in Cambridge ain't nothing compared to the amount of profiling on the hardwood.

Truth About It (inspired by a racially charged tweet from the street's favorite white blogger, the Great Dan Steinberg) awesomely provides a list of all the caucasians who've worn a Bullets/Wizards uniform in the last quarter century. And damn if they don't make the case for color. My only problem with this list, and I think Lou Dobbs is with me on this, is it includes foreigners. You take out the Eastern euros, and there's really nobody who ever made a contribution, save Tom Gugliotta. And even with Gugliotta — I'm sure Lou's with me here, too — that last name ain't American.

(So, will  John Stockton will be the last American whitey NBA All-Star? Discuss.)

***

Another milestone on the Road to Ripken yesterday, with the disclosure that David Ortiz, the beloved, wholesome, no-way-he's-a-cheater Red Sox slugger, tested positive for steroids in 2003 with more than 100 other Major Leaguers. Ortiz gave his "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" speech many times over the years.

I totally get these guys taking steroids. I'll never get taking steroids and then doing interviews bragging about not doing steroids.

I gotta say, I wish it was Curt Schilling who got outted instead. I might start drinking again to celebrate when that day comes. Or maybe start taking steroids.

***

Jimmy Lange tried to escape Fairfax, but couldn't. On Sept. 26, Lange, who could be nicknamed the "Most Successful Junior Middleweight in Boxing History to Never Fight for a Title," will come back to Patriot Center, scene of his last seven fights, to meet Jonathan Reid. Tickets for Lange vs. Reid, priced from $30-$500, are now on sale.

Reid, like Lange, was a cast member on NBC's reality series, "The Contender." Lange has parlayed that appearance into several top-of-the-card fights before big crowds at the Patriot Center. In a previous fight, Reid lost to DC's own William Joppy, a onetime middleweight champ.

So how come Lange never fought Joppy?

They were the two best teams in the city back then, and played before a huge crowd on a little outdoor court at Jelleff.

Well, they sort of played. Thompson made the evening memorable, though for wholly unsporting reasons. He kept his star-stocked lineup, full of future NCAA Division 1 players, on the bench, and instead sent in a ringer squad of non-basketball players to face DeMatha. The Stags took no pity on the replacements, crushing the kids in St. Anthony's uniforms, 108-26.

DeMatha players and the hoop-crazy fans who believed the hype and took the trouble that hot summer night to get to Jelleff, a boys club off Wisconsin Avenue, are still peeved at Thompson for making a mockery of the matchup.

But at the time the future Georgetown legend was anything but contrite.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Thompson ducked Wootten for Ducking Thompson? Nats win a video replay battle, lose the war? Larry Weisman practices the real new journalism? Michael Vick is the new Justin Timberlake? Greyhounds have friends?)

Thompson said his prank was to get back at Wootten for ducking his team in a year earlier in a postseason tournament: "I hope everyone who was there the other night and everyone who was interested was disappointed," Thompson told the Washington Post. "Then they'll know how my kids felt last year."

They don't have high school rivalries like that anymore. Or, if there are, they don't get written up on the front page of the sports section. Also, how many times do you have a high school matchup that can boast three future Hall of Famers — Thompson, Wootten, and DeMatha's Adrian Dantley? Basketball was indeed king around here back then.

The whole thing would make a good documentary.

***

Nats lose, 7-5. Starting pitching doesn't hold up, bullpen doesn't hold up, and immediately after a video replay turned a homer from Brewers Ryan Braun into a triple, Garrett Mock wild pitches the dude home from third. Few hints of Thunderation, is all I'm sayin'...

***

Training camp opens today. I get more excited about the start of football season every year. I don't know if it's me or the NFL publicity machine.

Speaking of: Larry Weisman practices the real new journalism. The longtime USA Today writer and football savant left the newspaper biz a couple months ago to work for Dan Snyder's PR staff.

Weisman's duties will include writing faux news stories for the Redskins website, such as today's piece on Jim Zorn's status. (Weisman's real stories are still appearing in real newspapers.)

It's a good thing Zorn wasn't fired after his team sunk to 8-8 last season, Weisman's hired hands type: "Lessons were learned last year, Zorn said. Hard lessons, some of them. Now more teaching commences, more building takes place and, executed properly, sets the stage for further development. That’s the hope. That’s the plan."

Readers could mistake Weisman's work for a newspaper story. And, I'm sure Snyder would admit: That's the hope. That's the plan.

I'm surprised Snyder hasn't given Weisman a faux radio show yet, too.

***

The Great Dan Steinberg showcases a pack of fans who came to Redskins Park to lobby for the signing of Michael Vick. When asked how he'd feel if Vick were actually brought to DC, one says: "Have you ever seen a girl at an 'N Sync concert?" I sorta get it, but would have been more convinced if the answer was something like: "Have you ever seen Michael Vick when his brown pit bull rips the throat off another guy's pit bull wide open, and collects on his $40 bet?"

Now THAT's excitement!

***

Not everybody is mean to dogs. This weekend, folks who care about the conditions of the greyhound breed are holding a convention in Massachusetts. The worries come from the decline of greyhound racing in this country, and the lack of concern the rest of the world has about the welfare of the racing dogs. A huge greyhound adoption network has sprung up in the U.S. in recent years with the help of animal rights groups and the racing industry, but apparently the dogs have a less rosy post-racing future elsewhere.

***

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Vinny Cerrato yesterday told the Washington Post that the Redskins will not pursue Vick, doggedly or otherwise. But Cerrato has fibbed so many times about personnel matters, most blatantly while acquiring Jason Taylor from Miami last summer, that his credibility in these situations is less than zero. So over at Dan Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com, the should-we-or-shouldn't-we talk raged on. Vick has a surprising amount of support among the Skins fan base, probably from a combination of loyalty from Virginia Tech alums and Jason Campbell's lack of a strong following.

But the anti-Vick crowd around here is much more passionate. The poster Bostic Hog spoke for a bunch of folks when he wrote: "Do you think Danny will offer us a refund on our season tickets if he signs Vick? Kind of like a breach of contract thing, or maybe a morals clause, like the players have."

I'm guessing the chances of Vick signing with the Redskins are better than the chances that Snyder will offer refunds to fans if he does. And no matter who Vick plays for, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell should make him wear jersey #K9.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Vick programs cable TV? Nats feel more thunder? Weequahic High School was a bunch of losers?)

***

Vick may not be a great role model for America's youth, but he's already had a profound influence on our grownups, or whomever's running the media.

The show biz trade bible Variety reports that Animal Planet has begun production on a series of investigative documentaries for next year as a result of the boffo ratings the channel got with last year's special about history's most famous dogfighting quarterback: "Animal Witness: The Michael Vick Case" in 2008. The show gave Animal Planet its biggest adult audience of the year.

The new series of hour-long shows will be called "Animal Planet Investigates."

Animal Planet president and general manager Marjorie Kaplan explained her channel's inspiration to Variety: "We thought the Michael Vick special would do well, but we were blown away by how well it did out of the gate," Kaplan said. "We looked at [the ratings], as well as the success of something like 'Whale Wars,' and were moved [by] the passion our audience has for these kind of things."

"Whale Wars?" Geez.

***

Nats win!

Update on Us: The Washington Times, awesomely offbase, tries to give credit for the new winning ways to manager Jim Riggleman's postgame talks to the team. Please. Riggleman, as this article points out, was giving these speeches as soon as he got the job. And the Nats lost his first four games in a row. But since Cheap Seats Daily foisted "Thunderation" on the Nats as the team's unofficial official fight song on July 21, the team, which could boast a five-game losing streak at the time and a winningless new manager, has gone 6-1 in games that went the full 9 innings.

The Nats are now on a four-game winning streak in which they’ve outscored the opposition 38-12.

As both my readers know, Riggleman’s Rockets of Richard Montgomery HS in Rockville posted more than 20 consecutive winning seasons with “Thunderation” as their cheer.

So once more with feeling, we'll SING!:

Thunder, Thunder, Thunderation
We’re the Rockets Delegation
When we fight with determination
We create a soul sensation!

Now, if only the Nats can keep this "Thunderation"-inspired winning streak going for 40 games, not only will we have a Soul Sensation on our hands, but the team will be .500!

True story: My momma, a huge Nats fan who I've never burdened with my "Thunderation" fetish, was so excited after last night's win that she chimed in, unsolicited, with two of her own cheers, recalled from the football games at Weequahic High School in Newark, NJ, in the 1940s: "Our team is red hot!  Your team is all shot!" and "We play football, We play Soccer, We keep matzoh in our locker!  Yay, team!"

She admitted that her school had the worst team in the city. Sorry, Ma, but we'll stick with a proven winner. We'l stick with "Thunderation!"

***

The Washington Mystics lost in Indiana. I'm not happy about this, but: I have trouble working up interest in the WNBA unless players are brawling or fans are kissing. From a spectating standpoint, DC Divas games are a far better live product, I swear.

Michael Vick was "conditionally reinstated" by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell yesterday. So the Vick-to-Redskins barkers got louder.

I know from dumbass arguments, and here's one of the dumbassiest on why Vick could fit in here as training camp opens this week:  Signing the free agent, says the Sporting News, "would give Vick an opportunity to play close to his home state of Virginia." Good point! The Skins play closest to where Vick did his best animal slaughtering, too!

Dan Snyder wouldn't. Would he?

I mean, sure, he tried hiring Pepper Rodgers, traded for Brandon Lloyd, and founded a chain of boutique kiddie barber shops for a theme park chain just before it went bankrupt.

But, he wouldn't.

Would he?

Gosh, I hope so!

(After the Jump: Snyder makes a good deal? Billick makes case for not signing Vick without mentioning Vick? Nats have more grand slams than your local Denny's? Divas finish on top after all? No Tasering for Scott Van Pelt giveaway?)

***

Speaking of bad bets: We now have perhaps the first proof that Snyder can drive a hard bargain. The Redskins agreement with Virginia lottery officials to sell those ridiculous $20 scratch tickets a couple months back will net the team a reported $4.25 million. Now a publication called New Orleans City Business is reporting that the New Orleans Saints made a similar scratch ticket marketing deal with the Louisiana lottery, but the team will only be paid $155,000. If these figures are accurate, that means the Saints sold their soul for 1/27 as much as the Skins.

***

This quickie Q&A in the Wall Street Journal with Brian Billick has some great bits. Among them, Billick discusses the hazards of the draft, but without ever mentioning Vick explains why the newly reinstated QB could be blackballed by the NFL this season without any collusion taking place:

WSJ: The character issue seems paramount. But do fans care about character if the other team is faster, bigger, stronger?

Mr. Billick: I've long said character is an economic issue in the NFL, not one of morals or ethics.

***

DC Divas Poll Update: The poll taketh, the poll giveth back.

The Divas got digitally and royally screwed in the middle of the IWFL playoffs when the computer rating service used by the league to determine seeding knocked them off the top spot for no obvious reason, thereby costing the team home field advantage for the game against the Boston Militia for Eastern Conference championship.

Yesterday, after the Divas lost in the IWFL's Sup-Her Bowl last weekend to the Kansas City Tribe, that same rating service, the Massey Ratings, has given DC the #1 ranking in its season ending poll.

Kansas City, the real champs, get sloppy seconds. (BTW: The Chiefs' Mindy White is the team's owner, general manager, and LINEBACKER! In other words, she's Dan Snyder, Vinny Cerrato, and London Fletcher all in one!)

This, friends, is exactly why a playoff system would never work in college football. Every year, it'll be the same whine about the computers costing this school or that a slot in the championship tournament.

***

Thunderation Update: Nats get two grand slams from the same guy and win big.

Cheap Seats Daily has said for years that the Nats' biggest problem early in the season was the lack of a fight song. So, on July 21, with the team in a 6-game losing streak overall and new manager Jim Riggleman winless in five games, we unilaterally declared "Thunderation" to be the unofficial official fight song of your Washington Nationals.

Since that declaration, the Nats have gone 5-1 in games that went the full 9 innings. The Nats are now on a three-game winning streak in which they've outscored the opposition 30-9.

As both my readers know, Riggleman's old high school team, the Rockets of Richard Montgomery HS in Rockville, went at least 22 years without a losing season while singing "Thunderation."

It's not the manager, it's the song!

So SING!:

Thunder, Thunder, Thunderation
We’re the Rockets Delegation
When we fight with determination
We create a soul sensation!

A four-game winning streak would totally create a soul sensation.

***

Bobblehead Update: Fascism pays off!

Bowie Baysox spokesman Tom Sedlacek reports that Sunday's Scott Van Pelt Bobblehead Night, complete with rules limiting the movement and civil liberties of fans, came off "really really well" — meaning without having to Taser or otherwise restrain any of the bobblehead-hoarding freaks who have ruined previous promotions.

Sedlacek says demand for a free doll and an autograph from the locally reared ESPN host was "huge."

I told Sedlacek that hed opened my eyes to giveaway greediness, and that I got to see it up close at the Nats game on Saturday for grocery bag giveaway night. Creeps were walking around the stadium into the wee hours of the rain-delayed game looking for any Harris Teeter reusable bag (most of which still had the $1.99 price tag on them) that wasn't nailed down.

He's seen it all before.

"We could hand out defective can openers and people would hoard them," Sedlacek says.

There are already five Van Pelt dolls from the Bowie giveaway for sale on eBay. One of the creeps apparently overrode the one-doll-per-fan rule put in place, and is now vending two Van Pelts for $110 plus postage.

The creep's nom de gouge is nyyankeesfan.13722. Figures! What a shocker! The d-bag is a Yankees fan!*

*I've never actually found Yankees fans to be more objectionable than those of our local teams, but faux outrage is fun!

He was awesome.

Hosts Steve Czaban and Andy Pollin brought up the rumored but unspecified injuries to Alex Ovechkin and Mike Green, giving Leonsis an opportunity to blame his team's ouster from the Stanley Cup playoffs on mitigating factors.

He wouldn't take it.

"All teams are banged up," Leonsis said.

Leonsis thanked the fans and sounded sorry for letting them down. He said he's capped the number of season tickets at 13,000 for next year so folks who have been loyal for years but can't afford to buy for every game can still get in.

Not that the cap will hurt his wallet: He said he expects all games in the 2009-10 season will still sell out anyway.

Why do fans like him so?

Leonsis said it's because his organization is "transparent" and "honest" with the fans.

The Leonsis interview will be repeated on WTEM on "The John Thompson Show."

On a related note: WTEM is owned by Dan Snyder. If I'm not mistaken, Snyder has NEVER been interviewed by Pollin and Czaban, hosts of the best and top-rated show produced by the station, which runs in afternoon drive time.

Leonsis: Honest, transparent, beloved.

Snyder: Meh. Nah. Bah humbug.

***
The positive power of exposure was also in evidence when another Snyder employee, DeAngelo Hall, went on WJFK's "The Sports Junkies" during yesterday's morning drive-time.

Hall came to the Redskins last season with an awful reputation. He'd been given away by Atlanta and Oakland, and in the past his alleged no-goodnickness was brought up more than his 40 time or two Pro Bowl appearances as a cornerback.

But hearing him talk with the Junkies, who asked again and again about his purported dark side, Hall was impossibly likable. Even when he was saying things folks could have trouble with. Like when he talked up his old teammate, the notorious dog killer Michael Vick.

Or about how much money he makes, and accusing ex-teammates in Oakland of disliking him only because he "got paid."

He boasted about his own off-field awesomeness, too: "I'm the coolest cat you'll ever meet."

And, after just a few minutes of hearing him talk about himself, you could believe he really was the coolest cat.

All the hosts believed, proclaiming as one that they were now "DeAngelo Hall guys."

I wanna be a DHG, too!

***

Switching Mediums: I have a new favorite TV show: DC Armor game replays, microcast Thursdays at 8 pm on WJLA's surplus digital station, channel 7.3 over the air.

I'd seen snippets of the telecasts before while surfing. But last night I sat through the whole 3-hours-plus broadcast, totally gripped.

The production values were fabulously horrendous. The audio was a quarter-second behind the video, giving interviews the feel of a vintage dubbed Japanese movie. The replays were grainy and choppy and had a Zapruder film quality to them.

The scoreboards in the arena were actually projected tv's shown on white screens set up at each end, the sort of set-up you'd by at Best Buy for your super bowl party then return for a refund after the game.

Even the sponsors were C List: All of the commercials were for some Maryland restaurant/freak magnet called Medieval Times. Tag line: "More Chivalry and romance! Call 1-800-We-Joust!"

The level of play was lousy. One DC Armor kickoff hit the speakers hanging from the ceilings, another went into the crowd at a right angle.

The crowd was announced as 1,389, which seemed accurate only if you removed the "1."

But play-by-play man Mark Gray didn't let the profound tickytackiness poison his commentating.

Gray, the longtime host of WOL's sportstalk show "The Sports Groove," gave fans a game call that could make you think you were watching a World Cup final. After the final gun, Gray told viewers they'd witnessed an "historic night!" What he meant was the expansion Armor had won their first home game ever.

As if the telecast wasn't enough of a time-machine, at game's end the station cut to an episode of "Rockford Files" — already in progress!

Old School! Have I died and gone to 1975?

I can't wait til next Thursday!

***
All the buzz and the money are riding with Rachel Alexandra, the first filly to be favored in the Preakness in a couple decades.

But John Scheinman, also known as the Last Turf Writer in Washington Post History, isn't buying into the hype. He never buys in.

Two of the biggest betting scores Scheinman made while on the Post's racing beat came when he bet against fan favorites and chalk: Barbaro in the 2006 Preakness and Smarty Jones in the 2004 Belmont (and on longshots Bernadini and Birdstone, respectively).

"Going against Barbaro in the Preakness was just not done," Scheinman says. "Everybody was thinking he was the second coming, but he didn't even make it to the clubhouse turn. I carried the ticket and felt like I had blood money in my pocket. When Smarty Jones was [going for the Triple Crown], I would have been happy to lose that bet on Birdstone. I was happier cashing that ticket."

He can't wait to bet against Rachel Alexandra.

"A lot of smart people are saying Rachel Alexandra's win in the Kentucky Oaks made them think of Secretariat in the Belmont Stakes," he says. "I was at the race, and I didn't see a machine. I saw a really good filly chasing down a lone speed horse running its eyeballs out, beating that horse into submission, then galloping away from three deeply inferior horses. That's not Secretariat in the Belmont. Now she's got to beat 6 or 7 or 8 horses the quality of which she's never faced. I don't see it."

But here's what Scheinman does see: Mine That Bird, Pioneer of the Nile, Musket Man, and Big Drama.

"I'm going to box 'em," he says. "All the women at the track for the Preakness will bet on the filly. But if she finishes where I think she's gonna, which is fourth or fifth, then I'm gonna blow up that triple."

You heard it here first, degenerates! And if Scheinman's picks don't come in, you get THE REST OF THE YEAR FREE!

***

My personal view, this Depression needs another Seabiscuit: So if either Rachel Alexandra or Mine That Bird takes both the Preakness and Belmont, everybody wins.

Everybody but Scheinman, anyway.

***
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