If Barry Svrlugla’s reward for covering the Nats last season was to be the lead reporter on all things Michael Phelps, Chico Harlan deserves a front-row seat at the Second Coming. Since taking over from Svrluga earlier this season, Harlan has ably covered a team that is now re-threatening 121 losses.* Moreover, Harlan has reveled in the kind of gallows humor that comes only with covering a cellar-dwelling, quadruple-A-ish squad. Witness his brutal assessment of reliever Luis Ayala, back when the team’s 10-game losing streak was merely a three-game skid: “A reliable setup man in Montreal’s and Washington’s bullpen since 2003, Ayala this year has become a 6-foot-1 white flag. He appears, the game ends.” And Tampa Bay Rays reporters don’t get clubhouse-interview gems like this:

Asked after his most recent start — his fourth consecutive game with at least four earned runs — to describe his last month, [Tim] Redding settled on a precise assessment:

“Horse[expletive],” he said.

Redding might want to take some interview tips from Teddy, a member of the Nats organization who also loses a lot. In an interview with KidsPost today, he found a way to be more positive than Manny Acta:

Are you ever going to win a race?

[Gives a thumbs up.]

* Update 5:03 p.m.: Using a little something called “basic arithmetic,” I realized that the Nats are mathematically eliminated from losing 121 games this season. It’s totally on the table for ‘09, though.

Photo by Flickr user Scott Ableman

The hunt goes on. Two days ago, Eric Wills reported on City Desk that Manassas, Virginia Bigfoot researcher William Dranginis was “highly skeptical” that Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer of Georgia had a real Bigfoot body in their possession. Good call. Wired reports that yesterday’s much-hyped press conference came and went without a corpse to show.

At this point, all signs appear to point to some combination of hoax, scam, or publicity stunt. And a transparent one at that, according to Wired: “Casting further doubt on the pair’s announcement is analysis by several bloggers showing that their photograph bears an uncanny resemblance to a commercially available Bigfoot costume.”

Isn’t that always the way? Well, at least there’s a consolation prize, in the form of the Most Topical Bigfoot Description Ever:

“According to the team, the Bigfoot creature is 7-feet 7-inches tall, weighs over 500 pounds and has feet that are over 16 inches long, or about size 24. By comparison, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is 6 feet 4 inches tall, weighs 165 pounds and has size 14 feet. Phelps is also nearly hairless, while Bigfoot appears to be covered in fur.”

For more on the Georgia Bigfoot press conference, see the Wired article. For more on Dranginis’s closer-to-home Bigfoot quest, see City Paper’s story “Hot For Creature.” For more on Michael Phelps, wait about ten minutes and someone near you will start talking about him.

Dino in Cleveland Park (3435 Connecticut Ave., NW) is, like, the Michael Phelps of Restaurant Week, truly unbelievable and smoking the competition. Really, you say? Can Dino be that good? Can Dino be completely and utterly peerless?

Tell me about the menu: Everything’s on it, Phelps Phans, not just three paltry dishes for each course. The only up-charge is for some ridiculously large steak. If you want some ridiculously large steak, why are you at a “rustic Italian” joint in Cleveland Park? Why are you not home watching Michael Phelps listen to his iPod?

Rather stay home and watch Michael Phelps listen to his iPod while Rowdy Gaines endlessly oogles him? Restaurant Week at Dino is Restaurant Month, through the end of August. Phew! Phelps!

How about the booze? Wine list is large. It’s on a clipboard. There’s another edited, annotated version for non-sommeliers. It includes clues like “explosive” and “bracing.” So does Rowdy Gaines when he’s oogling Michael Phelps. Go with wine, which comes in a 5 oz. or 8 oz. pour. I started with a G&T while waiting for a friend and it was just shy of $11. It was “bracing” and all, but not worth $11 and not worth missing Michael Phelps swim a 200 IM heat, winning while still conserving energy.

What if I like cheese as much as I like Michael Phelps? You’re totally in luck. Instead of the graham-nut apple crumble topped with black peppercorn gelato, you can get a selection of cheeses for your third course. But why would you want to? Only Frenchies do that and did you see the way Michael Phelps‘ relay team SMASHED the Frenchies in the 4 by 100? Because Rowdy Gaines did and he thought it was AWESOME. U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!

Can I have some more booze please? Yes, yes you can and—get this—it’s free! Dino, in an unprecedented RW move, offers a complimentary pour of dessert wine, grappa, or (for the non-boozer) limoncello. Michael Phelps would order the limoncello, Rowdy Gaines? Total grappa guy. You decide.

So how’s the food? O-M-G!!! O-M-G!! It was like Michael Phelps did a flipturn in my mouth! Get the caprese salad. The heirloom tomatoes are gold-medal contenders right now. By next week, they may be only bronze, but next week Michael Phelps will be the greatest human being of all time and you can again leave the house.