If you discount decor and valet attendants, (and I'm not sure why you would but go with me here) menus are a diner's first chance to seriously analyze a restaurant and its offerings. Menus perform many more functions than a mere listing of appetizers, entrees, and desserts. They create good will, they quietly announce a restaurant's target audience, they can even provide insights on the owner's philosophies and/or pet peeves.  Some menus, however, just go overboard.

In our new Food Issue, Loose Lips (otherwise known as Mike DeBonis who's been known to make pronouncements on food when not hounding council members), picks apart five different menus to highlight their meaningless regionalism, overzealous sourcing, or just plain stupidity. It's an amusing read. So why aren't you reading it yet?

You just knew that those food-porn pics in cookbooks and newspapers were too good to be true. Maybe you assumed that the gorgeous plates were merely the product of good lighting or a great photographer. Well, turns out there's another paid professional working to make you feel small about your own in-home cooking skills: a food stylist.

In our new Food Issue, Jule Banville and Darrow Montgomery take you behind the scenes as local stylist Lisa Cherkasky, a former cook and a smart sandwich blogger, prepares a plate of shrimp pasta for its moment in front of the camera. Read it. You'll realize you need a paintbrush and Scotch Guard to make your own food look so good.

I have a friend who hates cilantro, which tastes like soap to him. We've learned to cook around his fussiness, which, believe me, is a bitch when making a good salsa. I have another friend who claims to get headaches when eating anything made with non-organic oils. I don't cook for him anymore (only joking, Kelly!).

These are the only phobias/allergies I have to deal with in my personal cooking life. The area's chefs, on the other hand, have to confront an army of hypochondriacs in their dining rooms, many of them merely faking allergies because they're too embarrassed to admit they just don't like certain ingredients.

In our new Food Issue, staff writer Ruth Samuelson talks to a few of these fakers---and to the chefs who wish they'd just act like grownups. It's a good read. So read it already.

* Read our complete election coverage or re-live the day in photos.

* New York Times recaps Obama's morning after.

* Slate explains what happens now for the "gay couples who entered into legal marriages in California before the amendment passed."

- WaPo's Eugene Robinson tells us why we all lost it on Tuesday.

- In case you missed the Uncle Sam or Uncle Tom question---I love this reaction: "Really. Ralph Nader. What was that." Also, since when has Nader invoked Uncle Sam?

- But Craigslisters are really clamoring for yesterday's Post. Incidentally, if anyone has an extra copy, drop me a line.

* And in this newspaper:

- The fussy food issue! Tim Carman on the obsessive chef, Jule Banville on food stylists and a high-class chocolate chip, Ruth Samuelson on fake food allergies, and Mike DeBonis on the region's fussiest menus.

- Tricia Olszewski on the latest in film.

- I shop at the nation's newest pro-life pharmacy.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Yeah, we know, you're still in a post-coital stupor over Obama's victory last night, and all you want to hear are sweet nothings whispered in your ear about our country's new love object/president-elect. But in a brilliant counter-intuitive editorial strategy, we at City Paper are following up the most historic election since 1876, when His Fraudulency stole the race, with our latest Food Issue. We think it's better than a McCain presidency.

Inside this year's issue, devoted to the fussier side of food, you'll find:

• Jule Banville on whether the New York Times' ultimate chocolate chip cookie is worth the multi-day prep.
• Ruth Samuelson on diners with fake food allergies.
• Anne Marson on the fear and loathing of plastic bags at farmers markets.
• Mike DeBonis on the fussiest menus in the area.
• Darrow Montgomery and Jule Banville on the step-by-step process that food stylist Lisa Cherkasky follows to get a dish photo-ready.
• Me on a quest to find the area's most obsessive chef.

It hits the stands and the Internet tomorrow.