Those PETA folks sure are astute
They do more than shout, "cows pollute!"
At noon they will blast
The sound of gas passed
As their 'inconvenient (fake) toot'

Remiss if I do not opine
on all that involves DC9
First charged with assault
Now booze sales may halt
Seems business (and fun) will decline

You talk while you drive in DC?
You dumbass; that comes with a fee
The news: cops are nabbing
More drivers while gabbing
So hang up or do it hands-free

Ms. Levy's been dead such a while
That jogging Rock Creek's back in style
The news is replete
With many a tweet
As Ingmar prepares to stand trial

Progressions like this are quite rare
When dealing with voters or hair
From balding to Gray
Is never the way
Unless you are running for mayor

While Vincent declares that he's "humbled"
It's clear the incumbent just fumbled
His gaffes like not polling
Trumped door-to-door strolling
His campaign's response? well, it crumbled

The fact that Hizzoner did lose
Is certainly somewhat old news
What happens to Rhee?
Just wait and we'll see
What governance dust-up ensues

A town that's so deeply divided
Might wonder what Tuesday decided
If Gray can't deliver
Both sides of the river
Then clearly, this dude is misguided

For Hill scandals this ain't illicit
No diapers, nor photos explicit
A word to the many
Who owe quite the penny
The IRS really does miss it

The pen is your weapon of choice?
Then here is a cause to rejoice
The Mall ain't for jogging
'Cause now you'll be blogging
When WiFi enables your voice

Oh hey, there's a Tuesday election
The District must make its selection
My vote goes to Gray
But why, do you say?
Because his name rhymes to perfection...

Dismay, go astray, cabaret?
There's little his rhymes can't convey
And then there is Fenty
(One rhyme just ain't plenty)
Compared to the Vincent buffet

Though cringe moments, I have enjoyed
Real Housewives just left me annoyed
They're filled with self-loathing
Have got way too much clothing
Their heads? Just a huge gaping void

Vince Gray's full of vigor and vim
(Or that's what he says with his trim)
The man with new glasses
Says Fenty half-asses
When jobs in this city are slim

They ranged from type II diabetic
To needing some real anesthetic
But even a cynic
Observing this clinic
Would deem these guys nearly prophetic

I'll finish this rhyme with a quiz:
This guy stood outside of what biz?
But wait, it's a trick
Two stores? What a prick!
For covering shoppers with jizz

The start of this week was so dour
As many were left without power
Repairs are a farce
And Pepco's an arse
That "storm" was naught more than a shower

The primary has people stressed
So BOEE ran a test
Unless folks all lied
The party divide:
What ice cream, to you, tastes the best

Those City Desk guys I adore
Are giving each day its own score
The needle goes higher
When good things transpire
It shit hits the fan: minus four!

The Archives so rarely make news
But now they've got more to peruse
You like the New Deal
Like really? For real?
Then this stuff, you just can't refuse

The panda experiment failed
Now hopes ride on lizards quite scaled
To us they seem slinky
To them is that kinky?
Let's hope they get righteously nailed

With school getting set to resume
It seems that more firings loom
M. Rhee is selective
If deemed "ineffective"
A teacher will soon meet his doom

Don't cross her when talking 'bout sportin'
She's Eleanor "Badass" Holmes Norton
When those 'cross the aisle
Want substance 'fore style
She's quick with the you-too retortin'

A drop-top, bright red, who'd have thunk?
Twice towed 'fore they opened the trunk
It just took a whiff
To locate the stiff
And pinpoint the source of that funk

By PETA, our city was crowned
The best place for veggies around
Falafel's delish
But sometimes I wish
That something more bold could be found

Of hope, it seems we have a glimmer
The District weighs in a bit slimmer
So go for it, fatties
Eat bacon-topped patties
But broccoli might keep you trimmer

For ages the District has waited
And these dudes may soon be instated
But Brady is noting
That statues and voting
Are not even slightly related

For those of the scofflaw persuasion
Fuggedabout past tax evasion
You criminals, hardened
Will briefly be pardoned
To bolster the budget equation

Like you, I was flummoxed to learn
Our leader! A signal-less turn!
The man is a menace
When late for his tennis
The match is a bigger concern

At sixteen you can't drink a Bud
(You'd just hit the ground with a thud)
The Red Cross is low
On stocks of type O
So maybe soon teens can give blood

A lot like a snowball in hell
The chances of this don't seem swell
This week the sweat trickles
And Vince hates on Nickles
By asking to bid him farewell

Yes, rhyming 'bout weather is lame
But heat has me off of my game!
Our swamp, lads and ladies
Is hotter'n Hades
And these dudes are clearly to blame

If Valentines Day seems a stretch
Then this day will sure make you kvetch
At work, there's this mutt
And you're like, um, what?
It's cool; grab a ball and play fetch

With arguments reaching a close
Defendants heard all of their woes
They lied and they tampered
And justice was hampered
Why weren't they more helpful? Who knows.

The Capitol dome gets new paint
Bright orange, it certainly ain't
The color, "Dome White"
This heat, at that height
The best case: I'd certainly faint

Now speaking of domes, roofs, and decks
I sure like the sound of these specs
The Derby's floor two
A breeze and a brew
So how 'bout a big can-o-Becks

This Friday, a welcome distraction
And proof that the sport has gained traction:
The all-out bonanza
doth merit a stanza
The World Cup swings into action!

And speaking of sports-laden dross
I s'pose that young Stephen can toss
They call him The Savior
Because his behavior
Brings Pirates to ruinous loss

Not everyone had a great week
Dear Helen, oh why did you speak?
She used to have clout
Ms. Get-the-hell-out
Seems now she's a mean ol' antique

A DUI tarnished your name?
And put your poor mother to shame?
She thinks you were crunked
And that's why you flunked
But maybe your test was to blame

As proof that the Post can be stuffy
They're turning DeBonis less scruffy
Goodbye Sally Quinn
And hello, Mike's chin!
His hair and her column…both fluffy

Why stop, here's another cheap shot:
So how 'bout those numbers Vince got?!
The data provided
Counts just folks "decided"
And what does that mean? Not a lot

This race needs a little more heat
But now it at least has a beat
It sure ain't Chuck Brown
But Fenty gets down
The airwaves have this on repeat

Admittedly, it's a cliché
But where there's a will, there's a way
No more will seniority
Hold top priority
Quality now links to pay

When street cars were given short shrift
Some folks on the Council got miffed
DC can afford it
So Vincent restored it
The whole thing was silly, but swift

But speaking of Councilman Gray
It's final; his fence cannot stay
At 5'7" high
It's taller than I
And slightly less tasteful, I'd say

The language's moment was fleeting
And all that I know is a greeting
But get up here pronto
To speak Esperanto
Bethesda's where die-hards  are meeting

These rhymes mean the weekend is here
Memorial Day is quite near
Some 800K
Are going away
You too? Well, just don't forget beer

No secret, they target elites
With tasty (and overpriced) eats
The yuppies will revel
They've reached a new level:
A station for only smoked meats

The soda tax met its demise
For reasons that most can surmise
M. Cheh could have  scored
With Freeman on board
But not with those industry cries

Oh whoopsy, the CDC said
There's news that we shouldn't have spread
We told you no sweat
There wasn't a threat
From crazy high levels of lead

The District is switching their brand
To something a little less bland
The wrapper is shiny
And also less tiny
The impetus? student demand

If you are a train-loving geek
The groundbreaking news of the week
On top of the hike
The prices will spike
At times they call "peak-of-the-peak"

Hey kids! Mary Cheh is so clever!
(And Peeps are a worthy endeavor)
Her prank was delayed
For Vincent's parade
It's awkward, but late sure beats never

The nice folks at Big Bear want booze
A quest they could possibly lose (?!)
Some neighbors are fretting
That change is begetting
More AdMo-esque drunks with the blues

And speaking of folks up in arms
We know soda helps less than harms
But restaurateurs local
Are being quite vocal
This pop tax is ringing alarms

Dear drivers, this rhyme is your warning
Don't waste your time angrily horn-ing
What sounds like a hoedown
Shan't end in a mow-down
Tomorrow at ten in the morning

The latest of schemes from Gabe Klein
Endeavors a safe redesign
While drivers' thumbs twiddle
You cross in the middle
Diagonally? Yeah, that's fine (!!)