Tom Boswell

The latest break: Yesterday's Boswell column, written after Day One of the Roger Clemens trial, predicted direness out the wazoo for the allegedly steroidal pitcher.

The lede:

When Roger Clemens walked into Courtroom 16 of the District’s federal courthouse Wednesday, he saw a long, wood-paneled room with seats for jurors and, at the far end, the tall chair of U.S. District Judge Reggie B. Walton — about 60 feet 6 inches away.

If Clemens didn’t shiver, he has no grasp of the odds against getting out of this jam.

Fab writing, as usual. Boswell went on to wonder if  "a jury can deliver a verdict of really, really, really guilty?" and said after the opening statement from the prosecution and all the "incriminating physical evidence of stupefying quantity to support its perjury charges, I was ready to bake Roger a large cake with a hacksaw inside it."

Well, bake that cake, TB.

But hold the hacksaw!

As the world now knows, the ink on Boswell's typing was barely dry before Judge Reggie B. Walton threw out the government's case.

The columnist's words haven't become so obsolete so fast since Boswell's summary on what Joe Gibbs' intentions were at the end of the Washington Redskins 2007 season.

While declaring himself a "Gibbsologist," Boswell typed:  "Joe Gibbs not only wants to stay as Redskins coach next season, he wants a contract extension from owner Daniel Snyder."

Gibbs quit that day.

If Boswell writes the "Dave McKenna Has No Chance of Hitting Powerball!" column, I'll give him half.

ESPN reported that the jury of "Clemens' peers" has the following stats: "10 women, two men, nine African American, three white." The network's on-air talent concluded the report by with a evidence-free assertion that, "It's a jury that many experts said if it came down to this sort of composition it could be good for the defense."

Wha? How's that again?

Anyway, Judge Reggie B. Walton is hearing the Clemens case. If I were an ESPN expert, I'd say Walton could be good for the offense. He's the same guy who oversaw United States v. Libby.

That's the last big perjury show to play here in the Nation's Capital.

And Scooter Libby, remember, was convicted in 2007 on four of five counts related to his lying to the Feds about outing Valerie Plame. Walton sentenced him to 30 months in the hole.

But wait! Libby's jail sentence was quickly commuted by President George W. Bush, who said that the trial had taken enough of a toll on his friend and Dick Cheney's chief of staff, since it left Libby's reputation "forever damaged" and his family "suffered immensely" during the prosecution.

Clemens, like Libby, is a good friend of the Bush family.

And in my role as an ESPN-caliber expert, I'll assert the friendship with the Bush family and their history of commuting sentences of convicted perjurers who've suffered damage to their reputation and whose families have been hurt by federal government prosecution is  good for the defense.

So at this stage of the trial, for those keeping score about what's good for whom, it's 2-1 defense. Keep the dial right here for this type of expert analysis throughout the trial.

Well, in the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy, at least.

He's had that spot for years, actually. Among the anti-drug literature long available on the ONDCP's website is a roster of what is headlined "Street/Slang Terms for Steroids."

And atop a list that includes "gym candy," "pumpers" and "stackers," you'll find "Arnolds."

Several years ago I asked the Drug Enforcement Agency, which also put its own anti-steroids public-awareness campaign that included warnings about “Arnolds" if the bastard language was indeed the offspring of Schwarzenegger and the drug use that birthed his bodybuilding and, therefore, his political careers.

Absolutely!

“Arnold being so big—big as far as recognition is concerned—in the bodybuilding community, that’s the term that bodybuilders in Southern California used for steroids,” DEA spokesman Douglas S. Collier told me. “Now, everybody in that community knows what 'juice' is—what 'gym candy,' 'stackers,' and, yes, what 'Arnolds' is. Those are universal now.”

That ain't the greatest legacy for a guy with Schwarzenegger's political ambitions.

But at least it doesn't cost him child support.

Lalich transferred to Oregon as soon as his run in Charlottesville went to hell, and, because of some weird quirk having something to do with his new school being on a quarter system and not semesters, he'll be eligible to play this season.

If the punishment schedule announced last year still holds, Lalich should get his drivers license back this week from Virginia authorities. It makes sense that Lalich would be on a practice field this time of year, but... Why isn't he in Oregon?

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Another formerly local athlete in some legal heat, and not dealing real well with it: Antonio Pierce, the ex-Redskins linebacker turned Giant person of interest in the Plaxico Burress thigh blast case, is making enemies with his tweets.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Examiner column calls out Duds? Godly folks are coming after the racist Redskins? Who says Cal Ripken and/or Eddie Murray were juiced? FedExField also sucks for things other than football games? Jeremy Mayfield called his stepmomma THAT? Van Pelt goes for big bucks, but Czarniak goes bid-less?)

After testifying before a grand jury, Pierce, who could face weapons charges of his own, twatted: "sometimes u have to Draw a line in the Stand and see what side PEOPLE are on.. Well damn heres the Line!!...A coward dies many deaths but a soldier only dies ONCE!!"

Let others say Pierce's behavior here is off — The New York Post called him "Tweet-le Dum Dum" — but he had me at "line in the Stand"...

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John Keim at the Examiner has a nice addition to his paper's Skins coverage: the "Studs and Duds" column. At the end of each day of practice, Keim calls out folks who make plays, and those who mistakes. Sure, it's impossible to watch everything that goes on during workouts, so Keim misses at least half the big plays and half the, well, duds. But call-out columns make things interesting. If a guy screws up in practice, why not write about it? Don't say he's mean to his mother or he's a dog killer (unless it's, well, you know) ! Just say he blew this or that. I read every day.

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The roots don't get any grassier: A religious group in Delaware has made changing the name of the Redskins a top priority. The Peninsula-Delaware Conference of the United Methodist Church, which represents 464 churches and claims about 100,000 congregants, has stopped using FedEx's package delivery services becuase that company is a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins. There are tentative plans to hold rallies at Redskins games this season, also. The team's name is "racially demeaning," church leaders explained in announcing the FedEx boycott. I always love to hear folks argue the other side of this issue, since, well, there isn't another side.

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'Course, the racist team name isn't the only reason some folks stay away from FedExField. In fact, FedExField all by itself gives more fans the motivation to stay home. Venue-related problems during Paul McCartney's appearance on Saturday added to the stadium's shitty legend.

Real Madrid shows up this weekend!

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Road to Ripken™ Update: ESPN quoted Jose Canseco, the Deep Throat of the Dead Balls Era, as saying that the Hall of Fame has at least one P.E.D.-ophile.

Canseco didn't drop the name, however.

We know by now that everything Canseco says is proven true after a brief delay. So who slipped through the cracks at Cooperstown? A blog post about Canseco's statements at USA Today's website generated more guesses about famous former Orioles — Eddie Murray and Cal Ripken, specifically — than those from any other team.

So, come on, Cal. Confess. Say you used 'roids. Even if you didn't. Then we can all move on. The game needs you!

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Feeling sorry for yourself? Yeah, me too!

So, together let's mull the State of Jeremy Mayfield. First NASCAR kicked him off the track for allegedly testing positive for methamphetamine after a race in Richmond. Then he went public saying he'd ever used the drug. Must be cold medicine, he said. Then NASCAR said "Oh Really?" and released the results of ANOTHER recent test where Mayfield's pee pee was allegedly tainted. He's still claiming a frame job, but he's done on the track. And now his stepmother has sued him for saying, "She's basically a whore. She shot and killed my dad."

I'm no F. Lee Bailey, but I think his "basically"'s like my"allegedly" here.

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Bobblehead Update: The Scott Van Pelt bobblehead twins, from a Bowie Baysox giveaway, just sold for $88 plus postage on eBay. The auction of Lindsay Czarniak's 'head, a 2008 Baysox freebie, ends today at around 11:30 a.m. The creepy vendor is asking about $70. So far, alas, Czarniak has gotten no bids.

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Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

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The Redskins cut free agent receiver Jaison Williams yesterday, reducing their supply of Guys Named Williams to a mere four — Eddie, Edwin, Mike and Roydell — and stealing from me the option of filling many more digital column inches with posts about Five Guys Named Williams.

And the girth of the Williams clan ain't what it once was, either: Redskins.com has comebacker OT Mike Williams down to a mere 337 pounds after a severe weight-reduction program. If so, he's lost about a Williams since signing with the Skins this spring.

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The end of another era: The Streak of '09 is over.

AFTER THE JUMP: "Thunderation" meets thunderation? Guaranteed Win Night wasn't really guaranteed? No free will if you want Van Pelt bobblehead? Jackie Robinson, Ted Williams, and Lindsay Czarniak?

Jim Riggleman's high school cheer, "Thunderation," met Mother Nature's old school thunderation and got its fanny paddled. The result: Nats lose to the Cardinals, 4-1, in a rain shortened game.

If you messed up and followed Cheap Seats Daily's advice to let your grubstake from Guaranteed Win Nights I & II ride on Guaranteed Win Night III, you're as busted as our nation's health care system.

But hold all betting slips.

The game went seven innings. We're appealing to the Hague to try to get out of honoring our promise that if Guaranteed Win Night III didn't come in, you'd get the rest of the year free. Our guarantee only applied to whole games.

Read the fine print next time you gamble!

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Speaking of fine print: Bowie Baysox, you're sneaky, but we love you!

Here's a cut-and-paste from the Baysox most recent online promo for Sunday's Scott Van Pelt Bobblehead Night:

This is a night no sports fan will want to miss! Join ESPN's and Maryland's own SCOTT VAN PELT as the Baysox welcome him home for this special event! The first 1,000 fans ages 6 & up* will get a limited edition Scott Van Pelt bobble head collectible presented by Madison Interiors.
(* Limit one (1) bobble head collectible per person ages 6 & up. There will be a no exit policy in effect at the stadium from 5:00 – 6:00 pm or sooner if all of the bobble heads have been distributed)

Check out the small type! Fascism is alive and kicking in Bowie!

The no-exit policy was not a part of previous announcements about Van Pelt's big night. But Cheap Seats Daily lobbied hard for Bowie management to reinstate restrictions on civil liberties for bobblehead nights to ward off doll-hoarding creeps. And it looks like our lobbying paid off! Hooray for us!

The back story: Turns out a handful of weirdos would show up early for every giveaway game, buy tons of tickets and fill up shopping bags with dolls and then go home. The greedy few ruined Pat Sajak and Lindsay Czarniak bobblehead nights, forcing management's hand. So, for Matt Wieters Collectible Figurine Night last month, ticketholders had to agree to forego freedom of movement in order to get their doll, to make sure the hoarders couldn't keep walking through the turnstiles and collecting Little Matts. But then all the Wieters dolls weren't given away. So the no-exit restriction wasn't put in place for Van Pelt. Glad to see it's back. Again, we're very against restricting civil liberties....except where Bobblehead Freaks are involved!

Turns out there is a huge financial upside to doll hoarding. Some d-bag's hawking a Wieters figurine on eBay now for $58.99 with postage. One eBay seller has made more than $190 selling four Wieters dolls in the last month. Another sold a Wieters doll for $80 last week.

One of the same 'baggers profiteering off the Wieters figurine is offering a Czarniak doll from the Baysox for $69.94 with postage. (Czarniak's bobblehead currently commands as much as the Jackie Robinson, Ted Williams,  and Rob Dibble 'Heads on eBay.)

The most expensive bobblehead I could find on the internet auction house: Tom Brokaw, with a "Buy It Now" plus postage price of $264.24 (even though the mini-Brokaw looks more like Sam Donaldson). The most expensive sports related doll: Warren Buffet's Omaha Royals bobblehead, for $249.99 plus $9.95.

Who's paying these prices?

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Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

And I forced it on people.

I put "Dead Balls Era" in print again and again and again and again. I'd search the web every so often, only to get the bad news that nobody was adopting my brainchild. In December 2007, nearly three years after I'd started lobbying for my phrase to become the official name of the all-steroids, all-the-time time in the National Pastime, "Dead Balls Era" was getting nine hits on Google.

NINE!

And all but one of them was either a link to something I'd written for Washington City Paper or a mistakenly pluralized stab at "Dead Ball Era," an accepted tag for major league baseball from the turn of the last century til when Babe Ruth made ladies love the long ball ("Dead Ball Era" is, I hope obviously, the inspiration for my, you know, cunning pun.)

But I never gave up hope that some day, some way.....

And then today, during another Googling expedition, I found this on a message board: "Given the effects of steroids on male body chemistry, we should call this the 'Dead Balls Era.'"

This comment came in a thread from May 28, 2009, that was originally about whether a game record or career record is more prestigious, but soon morphed into a discussion of the state of baseball. And the writer who typed that familiar-to-me-and-me-alone phrase was also the site administrator of the message board.

That would be Ken Jennings.

He's the guy who won $3,022,700 playing Jeopardy!, making him the greatest game-show contestant in world history.

What I'm getting at here, people, is this: KEN JENNINGS THINKS "DEAD BALLS ERA" IS CLEVER!

I don't care if he stole it or he made it up on his own.

KEN JENNINGS THINKS "DEAD BALLS ERA" IS CLEVER!

This guy's a genius! So...what does that make me?

In any case, thanks to Ken's addition, "Dead Balls Era" is up to 27 Google hits.

Almost. There's still one holdup: Cal Ripken hasn't been nailed yet.

Every other boy of summer that any kid of the 1990s and beyond ever looked up to has already been ruined during the federal government's bizarre 'roid raids.

Cal's the last man standing.

Ripken always said he cared deeply about the game of baseball. If you meant it, Cal, please come forward now and confess.

Make something up if you have to. Just say you watched your pal Brady Anderson grow overnight from a base-stealing, punch-and-judy hitter into a mini-McGwire, and when Anderson nailed 50 homers in 1996, you started putting things in your body.

Who wouldn't believe that? You don't even have to say what it was you took, Cal. Nobody does anymore!

Then we can all move on.

Until we exhume Babe Ruth's body. That dude HAD to be juiced.

In the sales pitch on his personal Web site, Canseco points out that "Only two players have been able to accomplish this since, Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds."

Quite a club. Canseco, Rodriguez and Bonds will someday be viewed as the Murderers Row of the Dead Balls Era™. (Get used to it!)

Perhaps these items have been on sale for some time, or Canseco's not a student of the game: Ex-Nat Alfonso Soriano pledged the 40/40 frat in 2006.

BTW: The asking price for Canseco's detritus is $9,995.00.