***

The Great Dan Steinberg posts a Great Video of Ryan Zimmerman talking up D.C. United to promote next week's U.S. Open Cup championship game.

You know the U.S. Open Cup, right? That's the one where to get to the finals United had to march through neighborhood powerhouses like the Ocean City (N.J.) Barons, the Harrisburg (Pa.) City Islanders, and the Rochester (N.Y.) Rhinos, in games played at a suburban community center field.

It appears that before the promo shoot Zimmerman hit the quaalude table in the green room hard.

Either that, or like the rest of the world he can't even fake enthusiasm for the U.S. Open Cup.

AFTER THE JUMP: Keith Urban fans don't know who Ryan Zimmerman is? There is no "I" in arson? Paul Farhi goes ground-and-pound on Dan Snyder? Nats win!? Nats win!?

(Speaking of Zimmerman: I went to see country superstar Keith Urban last week at Verizon Center. He changed the lyrics of one of his many hits to include "Nationals," and told the crowd he'd gone to see the Nationals play the night before and that he'd sat in seats provided by Ryan Zimmerman. The fan response to all Urban's Nats references was equal and, well, non-existent. It was sad. Urban might as well have talked up the U.S. Cup.)

(Speaking of urban: Perhaps the chance at living closer to the SoccerPlex, host of so many of United's U.S. Cup clashes, motivated Steinberg to abandon D.C. for the Maryland suburbs. Nothing else makes sense!)

***

Nobody shows up for class reunions like football stars. But what if you burned down your high school — like, really burned it down? And what if your burning down your school meant your classmates had to spend most of their senior year shuttled around town to finish up at rival schools that weren't burned down by football stars?

Then, do you show up for your reunion?

Well, the Class of '79 at Fort Hunt High School held its 30-year reunion.

Matt Musolino didn't show, according to organizers.

Musolino was a star fullback on the 1978 Fort Hunt team that won the Gunston District title. His partner in the backfield, Rocky Belk, went on to star at Miami. Musolino was going to get a free ride to Louisiana Tech.

But then he burned down his school.

Musolino was one of three kids convicted of arson for the December 1978 fire that knocked Fort Hunt High out of commission. He told the Washington Post shortly after the trials that he went to his father's service station on Route 1 and got the gas for the molotov cocktails that they used to torch the school during a night of drinking over Christmas break. (Must have been something in the water in that area: In 1971, Fort Hunt Elementary was burned down by students, too.) To add a touch of Shakespeare to what was really just a dirtball prank gone horribly wrong: Musolino's uncle was a successful architect who had designed the school.

A million kids from our generation had probably boasted about burning down their school just like the Fort Hunt kids did –  That's the climactic scene in the Ramones' "Rock and Roll High School," ain't it? But these guys went out and did it.

I was a senior at Falls Church High the same year, and the burners were instant folk heroes among the dazed and confused adolescents in my small Northern Virginia circle.

But, don't try this at home, kids: These guys all got caught and did jail time, and they screwed up the lives of all their classmates, who had to finish the year at rival Groveton and never got to go back to Fort Hunt.

The other moral of Musolino's story, of course, is that if you do burn down your school, you won't show up for your 30-year reunion. Even if you were a football star.

***

Sally Jenkins' write-up of Little League World Series creepiness hit home with me. When I was in Little League, I practiced hard to be like Bert Blyleven. I didn't care to match the Twins' pitcher's famous curveball, Lord Charles I think they called it back then. No, I spent hours and hours trying to spit like Bert Blyleven spit from the mound during an NBC Game of the Week broadcast. And after a whole summer, I could shoot a stream of saliva a good distance without any noticeable movement of facial muscles, and without a sound. I still find myself spitting whenever I walk on grass fields. Sad but true.

Guess the ballplayers really are role models.

***

Also yesterday, Washington Post writer Paul Farhi's regular chat with his readers about local radio ("Station Break") turned into a head-to-toe bashing of all things Dan Snyder.

Farhi and his flock went after Lindsay Czarniak for wearing licensed Redskins apparel, after WRC for airing all those Redskins infomercials, after concession prices and parking and pretty much everything at FedExField, after management of Six Flags, after his deal with StubHub, etc.

It was less a chat than a stoning. And no stone was left unthrown.

By the time the Snyder crushing was over, there wasn't any time left to talk about radio.

But, if Snyder's looking for something to cling to, Farhi did have nice things to say about "Valkyrie." Now there's a zig instead of zag!

(Radio update Snyder might like: The must-surf dc media site DCRTV, meanwhile, posted a new batch of Portable People Meter radio rankings that show Snyder's WTEM beating rival new sportstalker WJFK. Tho, with WTEM in 19th place in the market, and WJFK the 20th most listened to station, neither's lighting up the market.)

***

Nats crush the next-to-last team to fire Jim Riggleman. I'm going on vacation.

***

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This just in: Our Amazin' Nats are a national punchline. First the Wall Street Journal used the team's woes in the lede of its Sonia Sotomayor hearings coverage, comparing the hopelessness of being a Republican senator with the hopelessness of being a Nat.

Then President Barack Obama, in the broadcast booth during the All-Star telecast, told the country that because of parity fans of all teams still remained hopeful that this season would turn out OK. Then he threw in a caveat: Except fans of the Nationals.

Obama clearly enjoyed his Nats takedown, smiling and looking around the booth for support.

But Fox announcer Tim McCarver reacted as if POTUS had told another Special Olympics joke. McCarver stayed stonefaced and silent and stared straight ahead. It was fabulous TV for everybody.

Except, you know, for fans of the Nationals.

AFTER THE JUMP: Czarniak and Rieger pile on? Tim Lincecum = Mitch Kramer? All-Star Do-Gooder Still Never a Bullet? Beer is bad at parties? Fight, fight in the comments section? Joe Gibbs Comes Back to D.C.?

***

The locals got in on the slam act, too. Last night's WRC-TV sports report ended with Lindsay Czarniak pointing out that the National League hasn't won an All-Star Game since 1996.

"Must be something about the name 'National,'" said anchorwoman Wendy Rieger with a big laugh.

And as the show cut to commercial, Czarniak could be heard saying "Good one!"

Fifteen yards, piling on!

***

It can't be said enough: National League starter Tim Lincecum looks just like Mitch Kramer, the ballplaying kid from Dazed and Confused. He's my favorite pitcher of all time.

Mitch, that is.

***

O what a tangled web we weave...A story from GateHouse News Service in Braintree, Mass., about the pregame All-Star ceremony, in which all living U.S. presidents honored folks who won a People magazine poll about our nation's most charitable folks, identified honoree Rob Dixon as a "former Washington Bullets guard who left the NBA in 1983."

Oh, really? The Wizards organization, keepers of the Washington Bullets records, says there is no record that Rob Dixon ever played for the Bullets.

But Dixon, who runs a group that puts disadvantaged kids in college, added some run with the Bullets to his bio while trying to get voted in by People readers.

This sort of resume puffery really makes me mad, since I've so rarely mentioned my stints as goalie for the Washington Capitals or my tours as a Beatle.

***

Brad Young, a high school softball coach in Walkersville, Md., has been canned by county officials because a kid's parent brought beer to a postseason team party, and another parent ratted on him to the county.

From the WTTG-TV report:

It was a cookout around Brad Young's backyard swimming pool on June 11 celebrating the end of a winning season.

"And one parent brought some beers to the party. A couple of people had those– probably no more than five or six," said Young. "No kid was uncomfortable. No kid had access to it. No kid drank. No parent got more than probably one or two beers. I did not drink."

But another parent called the Frederick County School Board, which tells FOX 5, "The incident in question took place at what is considered an official team function."

In my day, a coach's job would only be in jeopardy if he threw a team party and didn't have enough beer — for kids and parents.

***

Fighter Jimmy Lange, profiled in last week's Cheap Seats column, is getting called out in the comments section of Boxing Along the Beltway, a fabulous local boxing site. Fans and handlers of fellow light middleweight George Rivera are talking up Rivera and talking down Lange in hopes of forcing a fight between the two.

Lange, the most popular fighter in the D.C. market by way of his appearance on the NBC reality show, The Contender, and his well-attended and -received shows at the Patriot Center, needs a fight, now that North Carolina boxing regulators refused to sanction his scheduled July 25 bout with Jimmy LeBlanc (record: 12–16–4, with 10 of the losses coming in his last 12 fights).

I'd never heard of George Rivera before this. But the back and forth between the Rivera side and the Lange side is enough to make me wanna see these guys go at it.

***

Not just a thought, a sermon: Joe Gibbs will appear at Lon Solomon's McLean Bible Church to promote his faith and his latest book, Game Plan for Life.

***

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