Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder says he loves the media. He is, as he wrote in a Washington Post op-ed last month, "the son of a University of Missouri School of Journalism graduate whose professional pedigree includes working at United Press International and National Geographic. I am proud of that legacy from my dad and understand the journalist’s perspective and challenges."

Of course, the reason Snyder wrote that op-ed was to explain his decision to re-file his defamation lawsuit against Washington City Paper, our parent company, and staff writer Dave McKenna in D.C. Superior Court, after dropping a case he originally filed in New York. Which was an odd way of showing he understands "the journalist's perspective and challenges."

Last week, Snyder also found an odd way to thank the Post for running his op-ed: He sent the newspaper a subpoena.

According to the court papers Snyder's legal team sent the Post, they're interested in learning why blogger Dan Steinberg linked to City Paper's "Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder." Steinberg writes about the off-field antics of just about every sports figure in the area, and he's often linked to McKenna's work; the two are friendly rivals on the same culture-and-business-of-sports beat. Snyder's team told the Post in February they intended "to explore whether there was any agreement between McKenna and Steinberg to cross-promote McKenna's pieces on Snyder."

By delivering the subpoena, they showed they meant it. Among other requests, it seeks, from both Steinberg and the Post as an institution:

All Documents evidencing or Relating to any Communication between You and McKenna pertaining to Snyder... All Documents evidencing or Relating to any Communication between You and McKenna pertaining to Snyder's wife, Tanya Snyder... All Documents evidencing or Relating to any Communications between You and McKenna pertaining to the [City Paper cover art]... All Documents evidencing or Relating to the reasons for the inclusion of links in Your Washington Post columns, blogs, or on Twitter to McKenna's City Paper articles... and All Documents evidencing or Relating to Your policies Relating to the inclusion of links in Your columns to other sources.

Snyder's lawyers also want to have Steinberg in for a deposition.

The media economy these days being what it is—which is to say, dying—every news organization spends a lot of time linking to, and getting links from, competitors. City Paper links to the Post frequently (including twice in this post), and vice-versa. But getting dragged into court to explain why reporters chose to link to a story—especially on Twitter, which practically exists to share links—hasn't been part of the equation. Up to now.

Snyder's lawsuit, in spite of his proud family journalistic legacy, now means the Post may have to spend time and money responding to a very broad document request and deposition supboena, even though the paper Snyder is actually suing is City Paper. The subpoena specifies that the "Documents" requested include, but are not limited to, "any kind of written, typewritten, printed, reproduced, recorded, or stored material whatsoever, whether printed, recorded, or stored electronically, magnetically, or otherwise, or reproduced by hand, including, but without limitation, drafts, notes, memoranda, letters, reports, minutes, projections, emails, telegrams, telex communications, publications, contracts, recordings, transcriptions of recordings and business records, books of accounts, ledgers, balance sheets, financial statements and all other financial documents of any kind, diaries, telephone logs, telephone bills, appointment books, desk calendars, working papers, routing slips and similar materials." Pity the Post intern who has to comb through the telegrams!

A Post spokeswoman, Kris Coratti, says "it wouldn't be appropriate for us to comment on a pending legal matter." Steinberg declined to comment until he spoke to the Post's lawyers. Redskins spokesman Tony Wyllie says he forwarded a question about the subpoena to Snyder's attorneys, who didn't immediately respond. We'll update if they do.

Read the whole subpoena here:

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Today Gilbert Arenas could prance through Chinatown wearing nothing but a bandolier and smile, and there would be no one to cover it. For today, every member of the District Sports Media Elite will be at the National Cathedral for the memorial service of George Michael, not the singer.

If you are from D.C. that appositive will not be necessary. But a lot of people move here from other places!

Tony Kornheiser: He will be there. I heard him say it on his radio show. (No radio show from TK today; you'll have to make your own obsessive jokes about Arenas' birthday party.) Joe Gibbs: He will be there too. Maybe he will refrain from any Brit Hume moments, at least this time! Maybe he will try to freeze the pallbearers. These are hard things to know in advance.

Which is why I will go to this service. Maybe while there I will see Dan Steinberg. True story: Last week my son came bounding out of school thrilled because he'd seen a picture of me in the newspaper. He drew from his pocket a carefully folded piece of the Washington Post with Steinberg's woodcut portrait. Baldism: It's never too early to start.

fig. a

fig. b

This has been a great couple of months for D.C. sports news. Shanahan. Agent Zero. The Washington Times massacre. The invention of HDTV. Wise vs. Kornheiser! Campbell vs. Portis! Riggo vs. Snyder! McKenna vs. Cal Ripken's publicist! Washington may have only one team that can win anything, but storylines we got.

Seems Snyder doesn't really care who he jumps in bed with these days. His partner in the contest, which forces Redskins cheerleaders to put down their pom poms and pick up sponges and go service his radio station's 25-54 year old male demo, was a sponge company called SpongeTech Delivery Systems, Inc.

Well, just as the cheerleader pride giveaway was heating up, Snyder's ally gets nailed for all sorts of alleged shadiness by federal regulators: The Securities and Exchange Commission suspended trading on SpongeTech stock this week because of sketchy reports and non-filings of required documents.

(AFTER THE JUMP: SpongeTech's the Six Flags of the sudsy set? SpongeTech's so messed up it makes Snyder look like a fab businessman? Are Redskins cheerleaders being punished? Is WJFK punishing WTEM in the ratings? Can Mike Wise punish Tony Kornheiser? Is Anacostia/Eastern the Good Counsel/DeMatha of crumminess?)

Here's a release from the Securities and Exchange Commission dated Monday, October 5, 2009:

It appears to the Securities and Exchange Commission that there is a lack of current and accurate information concerning the securities of SpongeTech Delivery Systems, Inc. ("SpongeTech") because questions have arisen regarding the accuracy of assertions in press releases to investors and in periodic reports filed with the Commission concerning, among other things: (1) The amount of sales and customer orders received by the company; (2) the company's investment agreements; and (3) the company's revenues as reported in its financial statements. In addition, SpongeTech has not filed any periodic reports with the Commission since the period ended February 28, 2009.

The Commission is of the opinion that the public interest and the protection of investors require a suspension of trading in the securities of the above-listed company.

Therefore, it is ordered, pursuant to Section 12(k) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, that trading in the securities of the above-listed company is suspended for the period from 9:30 a.m. EDT, on October 5, 2009 through 11:59 p.m. EDT, on October 16, 2009.

By the Commission.

Elizabeth M. Murphy,
Secretary.
Citation: "74 FR 51626"
Document Number: "File No. 500-1"
Federal Register Page Number: "51626"
"Notices"

Investors were apparently already clued into SpongeTech's difficulties. The stock (SPNGE) was trading at $.06 a share when the SEC booted it off the board.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense that Snyder would be attracted to SpongeTech. It ain't easy for Snyder to find a company that's as much a laughingstock on Wall Street as is his Six Flags. For all the mess Snyder has made while running that theme park giant into bankruptcy, perhaps SpongeTech makes him feel like Warren Buffett! (Thanks to Destino for the SEC tipoff.)

***

The director of the Redskins Cheerleaders told me earlier this week she wasn't aware that members of her crew had agreed to wash cars for WTEM. Redskins spokesman Karl Swanson hasn't responded to my query about the contest. But I now have a theory why Snyder would give the Redskins Cheerleaders such a degrading and subservient job as washing cars for sportstalk radio listeners: He's still peeved at the First Ladies of Football for working the launch party for rival radio station WJFK in July.

That episode was a total embarrassment for the cheerleader obsessed Snyder, but with this contest he can show his WTEM listeners that he's back in control of the troupe.

***

Speaking of the radio rivalry: The news ain't much better for Snyder in sportstalk land.

WJFK boss Chris Kinard, the brains behind hiring the Redskins Cheerleaders for the coming out party of Snyder's competition, put out a statement yesterday saying that his station is walloping the bejeezus outta Snyder's.

Portions of Kinard's release:

"According to Arbitron ratings released today, Sportsradio 106.7 The Fan is the No.1-ranked sports radio station in Washington, D.C.  The station signed on July 20 and has eclipsed sports radio rival WTEM with listeners 12+, and in its target demographic of Men 25-54.

In the September ratings period (Aug. 20-Sept. 16), The Fan showed growth across the board.  Its overall share of listeners 12+ was up 38% from the prior ratings period. During the same time period, the station increased its share among Men 18+ and 18-34 by 24% and 35%.

Additionally, The Fan was the No. 1 choice for Men 18-34 sports radio listeners in the coveted morning and afternoon timeslots, as well as in midday and evenings."

These numbers only include about one week of the Mike Wise v. Tony Kornheiser late-morning battle, which provides the most intrigue of all the WJFK/WTEM subplots.

Wise is a radio newcomer; Kornheiser, despite being damaged goods after the extended "Monday Night Football" debacle, is the biggest name and probably highest paid guy in Snyder's deejay stable.

Kinard didn't provide specific numbers about the 10 a.m. to 12 noon portion of the midday slot. If WJFK can win that against Kornheiser and during the NFL season, WTEM's future's bleak.

God knows what Snyder'll force the cheerleaders to do if this keeps up.

***

Reminder: Haves and Have Nots Bowls are both being played on area high school gridirons tonight.

The Haves Bowl: DeMatha hosts Good Counsel at the Prince George's Sports and Learning Complex.

In recent years, DeMatha v. Good Counsel gets people as fired up as Roe v. Wade.

These are the top two football teams around town. DeMatha has an athletic program second to none not only locally but anywhere. Good Counsel has tried to model itself after the Hyattsville powerhouse, hiring several DeMatha alums and coaches.

But though Good Counsel has been able to crack the national prep football rankings in recent years, it has been nothing more than a bridesmaid to DeMatha in the powerful WCAC Conference for Catholic schools. It'll take a win tonight and a win in the WCAC championship game to change the local landscape.

The Have Nots Bowl:  Eastern at Anacostia

Both programs are the vying for the worst of the worst right now. Anacostia is 0-6 and has given up 50 points in four of those losses. Anacostia has a chance to become the first DC high school program ever to go 0-11 in a season.

But Eastern is at least as godawful. The school didn't even field a team last season and probably won't field one next year, and thus far in 2009 has put up an 0-3 record and has been outscored 114-13.

Eastern's best chance for victory here would come if Anacostia is looking past today's game to the upcoming matchup with Spingarn.

Spingarn, another perennial Have-Notter, is currently 0-4 and is losing the points battle 200-6.

Good golly.

***

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Yesterday, in this very space, we blew the lid off the latest listener contest for Dan Snyder's sportstalk station, WTEM-AM, in which the Redskins owner promises to send his cheerleading squad over to winners' houses and make them wash cars.

And in this week's analog edition, we blow the lid off Dan Snyder's cheerleader past, from his 2000 rackumentary "Beauty on the Beach," all the way up to his latest scheme, which tells the cheering crew to put down their pom poms and pick up sponges and service his 25-54 male audience.

And, as promised, throughout all this lid-blowing we've run the same photograph of all those sudsy blondes, again and again and again.

That's the shot that got The Great Dan Steinberg so lathered up he rudely barged into the comments section to pooh-pooh our Snyder/T&A expose. TGDS basically accused Cheap Seats Daily of hypocrisy and of being as exploitative as Dan Snyder!

Just because we ran this photo of sudsy blondes!

That hurts.

What kind of message does that contest (and this photo) send to the Little Ladies of Football? Think of the children, Dan and Dan!

(AFTER THE JUMP: Could Snyder's layoffs at Redskins Park have helped this car wash debacle along? Is it Sherm or Sherman? Dan Steinberg reveals Lewis' bingo past? Dan Steinberg conceals reveals his own bingo past? How loaded is the Skins' 2009 schedule with Snyder humiliatees? Yankee Stadium ain't the only ballpark in use this October? Nationals Park gets loaded with readers?)

Butt seriously, this new low/high in Snyder's cheerleader marketing schemes might have something to do with personnel changes.

Donald Wells, the longtime director of the Redskins cheerleaders who predated Snyder, got fired a few months ago. Wells is now director of marketing for Sweethearts for Soldiers, a cheerleader-centric charity based in San Diego.

Wells' replacement as Redskins cheerleader director, Stephanie Jojokian, told me on Tuesday that she wasn't aware that any of her cheerleaders were going to be washing cars. Melanie Treanor Coburn, the Redskins Cheerleaders director of marketing, did not return phone calls. Jojokian says Treanor Coburn is on maternity leave.

***

While there is no agreement on whether to call him "Sherm Lewis" or "Sherman Lewis," everybody agrees the Redskins hiring of an "offensive consultant" is going to do nothing other than humiliate Jim Zorn.

But only TGDS took time to write up Sherm Lewis's past as a bingo caller this morning.

For whatever reason, the ever-humble Bogger leaves out his personal past with the churchy game. In 2002, when he was Just Plain Dan Steinberg, JPDS blew the lid off DC bingo queen Vanessa Woodland in a fabulous City Paper cover story. Read it here.

***

Zorn isn't the first guy Snyder's humiliated here, of course. We've already heard Jon Jansen gloating over the greatness of taking part in ending the Lions losing streak with a win over Washington.

But there's a lot of Snyder haters on the schedule this year.

Mike Nolan is doing better than OK in Denver. Nolan's the guy who Snyder kept delivering vanilla ice cream to during the 1999 season just after buying the Redskins,  a super twerpy way of saying that he thought the Redskins defense was bland.

Snyder had  started at middle linebacker for the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers during a stellar NFL career and therefore was quite qualified to render such judgements never played a down of foootball at any level in his life but still felt qualified to render such judgements.

From the San Franciso Chronicle's telling of the Nolan/Snyder ice cream tale, which has been told a billion times but not enough:

"It happened twice," Nolan said of the ice cream deliveries. The first time, rapidly defrosting gallons of extravagant flavors were placed outside Nolan's office door with a note saying, "No more vanilla."

"I wrote him a note, saying that my kids would enjoy the ice cream and that the advice was well taken," Nolan said. "(I was) thinking he was kidding. Then I found out he wasn't kidding."

When Nolan stayed conservative with his defenses, Snyder went industrial. Nolan showed up one day to find a hand cart parked at his desk with melting 5-gallon drums of ice cream.

Fast forward to 2009...From an AP story that appeared on washingtonpost.com yesterday titled "Once dismal Broncos defense thriving under Nolan," a different image of Nolan's abilities as a manager of men emerges. As in this quote: "In this defense, I see pride, I see hunger, I see a battle for respect," linebacker Mario Haggan said.

Has anybody said any of those things about this year's Redskins? Well, when I look at Albert Haynesworth, I guess I do see hunger. But that's another story.

Denver's 4-0, and Nolan's defense is given as the reason. The Skins play Denver at Denver FedExField on Nov. 15.

Gregg Williams is doing ok, too. Dan Snyder rejected and humiliated Williams after a Gitmo-esque interview process that had the Skins former defensive coordinator shacking up at Snyder's Potomac mansion, the one with a good view of the River. No sensible explanation was ever given for bypassing Williams for Jim Zorn as head coach.

(My fave rumor out of Redskins Park, still being told, has Williams getting blackballed as head coach by Joe Gibbs because he wasn't godly enough, which would explain why Snyder ended up with Zorn, who appends a biblical proverb  to every autograph. Geezus Chrysler!)

But Williams is now with 4-0 New Orleans, and is getting a lot of kudos for the undefeatedness of his team. Michael Wilbon, who has taken to putting Williams' name in his columns about as often as Charles Barkley's or Michael Jordan's, credited the defensive coordinator with Sunday's big win over the previously undefeated Jets in a Tuesday story:

Okay, we knew the New Orleans offense was great, but how about Gregg Williams's defense? Yes, Gregg Williams. That guy. Getting it done. The Saints harassed the Jets all over the field and forced Mark Sanchez into some killer INTs.

Skins play New Orleans at home on Dec. 6.

Norv Turner ain't doing that great. Turner, the last head coach Snyder fired midseason, has his Chargers at 2-2. But San Diego's .500 seems a helluva lot stronger than the Skins' .500.

Washington plays at San Diego on the last weekend of the season in what will surely be a meaningless game for at least one of the teams.

***

Major League Baseball's playoff series are all on as of today. But Nationals Park is always available in October. So a literacy group decided to book the big room today to try to get publicity.

This morning, a crowd in the hundreds, or what a typical Nationals/Marlins game would draw, was expected to show up for "Read for the Record," which organizers claim will be an attempt to set the record for "largest one-day shared reading experience ever." Representatives from the Nationals, including Stan Kasten, did some reading.

The book everyone will be sharing is called "The Very Hungry Caterpillar." Too bad Dmitri Young wasn't around for this one.

***

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"How would you like to see the Redskins take on the Cowboys? — AND have the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders soap up and scrub down your car???"

Well? How would you like that?

Check out that ad!

It appears on the Web site for WTEM, Dan Snyder's sports talk station, to promote the latest listener contest. Top prize will bring the Redskins cheerleaders over to wash your car.

Kinda yucky?

The radio ads are just as outrageous, with panting males and all sorts of breathy talk of scrubbing and rubbing. The campaign is also just the latest evidence of Snyder's thing for cheerleaders. He took over the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders shortly after buying the team, and has increased their role in his global marketing scheme ever since.

The car wash campaign marks a new level of subservience for the Redskins Cheerleaders, and cheerleaders in general. The message is: "Put down your pom poms and grab a sponge!" That tells the world that Snyder can force his troupe to put on something skimpy and service Joe Sixpack.

Basically, Snyder's pushing a Madonna/Whore image for his cheerleaders.

Well, minus the Madonna.

(AFTER THE JUMP: More on the Redskins cheerleaders? Snyder is being called "Lord Farquaad"? PhotoGate update: Snyder really did censor Dan Steinberg? Isn't the Leonsis worship getting outta hand? Guaranteed Win Night proves AGAIN that it's a sure thing? Remember "The Sure Thing"?)

Look for more about the Redskins' owner's history with cheerleaders in a Cheap Seats column that'll come out sometime later this week.

***

Update on PhotoGate: Dan Snyder DID censor Dan Steinberg's photos from the Tampa Bay game!

Steinberg had chronicled the ill-will among the home fans at FedExField, and his piece was accompanied by photos of the ill-willed wearing anti-Snyder T-shirts and garb.

Steinberg took the photos himself, while walking around the stadium. He's been taking those photos at FedExField and posting them without problems since he started doing the Sports Bog.

But hours after he put up shots of the Tampa Bay game, a game during which stadium security confiscated thousands and thousands of bags that discontented ticket buyers planned to wear on their heads, those photos disappeared from washingtonpost.com.

Steinberg, my former regular Friday lunch date, declined to comment on what went on.

But sports editor Matt Vita says the photos were pulled from Steinberg's Bog at the behest of the Redskins: "The Redskins said he was in violation of his credentials for taking the photographs. We honored that request, because at the end of the day, they control access to their facility."

Vita would not discuss the possible implications of ignoring the Redskins request to yank the photos.

Round: Snyder, 10-8.*

***

Over at Dan Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com, some of the discontented have taken to calling the owner "Lord Farquaad."

That's harsh. But it beats the crap outta "Synder."

***

Leonard Shapiro, who was taking his slams of Dan Snyder to the Miami Herald recently, has brought 'em all back home to the Washington Post. Well, to washingtonpost.com, anyway.

Shapiro goes down the path of comparing Snyder to Ted Leonsis.

This Caps team is great fun, and Leonsis these days is impossible not to love, being the open, accessible owner of a winning team. Just a couple years ago, he was brawling with Caps fans in the concourse of the home arena! Yet he's still out there glad-handing and giving fans and players and George McPhee all the credit.

And, sure, Snyder remains in hiding, and after hearing a couple boos and "Lord Farquaad!"'s he's ordering his thugs to take your paper bags away.

But the Caps worship is getting out of hand. This ain't the first time the Capitals have been pretty good. The current Caps squad hasn't gotten as far, and absent #8 isn't as obviously talented, as the 1989-1990 squad, and that team's fans were as committed and crazy. Nobody put Abe Pollin on a pedestal back then.

Damn, that was 20 years ago? What a geezer post this is!

***

Guaranteed Win Night comes in again!

Cheap Seats Daily spied that +52-run run differential differential (R²D²™) the Minnesota Twins enjoyed over the Detroit Tigers, and couldn't lay off the Twins in the one-game playoff to get into the standard postseason.

Some folks might have been worried when Detroit was up a run in the top of the 10th, or had the bases loaded with one out in the 11th.

But not us.

No, not us, even as we "watched" the game on ESPN.com's silly/amazing MLB GameCast and figures flashed on-screen saying that Detroit had a 72 pecent chance to win the game with a guy on second and one out in the 11th, so Minnesota intentionally walked a guy, and that gave Detroit runners on first and second and a 74 percent chance to win the game. (I'm no baseball guy, but if you increase the opponent's chance of winning by intentionally putting a runner on first in that situation, how come EVERY manager does it?)

But, again, while we were confused by the pro-Detroit percentages, we were not worried. Because here at Cheap Seats Daily, we know, to re-quote the dumbass adage we made up while begging folks to put the mortgage and then some on Minnesota, that pitching might win championships, but R²D² Wins Ballgames™!

Vegas has gotta be worried about the success of Cheap Seats Daily's free touting service. Good thing for Delaware that that state didn't get sports gambling like it wanted, or by now both my readers would own half of Wilmington.

Plainly, Guaranteed Win Night™ is the surest thing since Nicolette Sheridan. (IMDB's database lists Sheridan's character in the 1984 movie The Sure Thing as "The Sure Thing.")

Watching that movie clip now, among the things that occur to me is that Sheridan mighta been the template for Snyder's vision of a Washington Redskins cheerleader. She just needs a sponge.

***

*Full disclosure: I freelance music reviews for the Washington Post.

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

In: Bag Banning

The Great Dan Steinberg™'s write-up of the ill-will in the grandstands had great photos of the ill-willed.

Well, Steinberg's Bog post had great photos when it was originally posted, anyway.

As several commenters pointed out, those photos of folks with anti-Snyder t-shirts and paperwork are now gone. Just vanished.

Who removed them? Why were they removed?

Steinberg wouldn't tell me what happened. Questions were directed to his bosses at the Post's sports section.

Uh oh.

The mind races. Everybody knows by now that the Washington Post ain't one of Dan Snyder's favorite organs.

But would Snyder really try to censor photos of the same bags that he tried to censor for Sunday's game? I mean, Snyder's pulled some stuff before, for sure, but if he's behind Steinberg's photo removal, that would have to rank among the Skins owner's most Douchewellian™ moves of all time.

I've got messages into the Washington Post's* sports editors and the Redskins. Stay tuned to Cheap Seats Daily for continued coverage of PhotoGate™!

(AFTER THE JUMP: More tales of anti-bagging from FedExField? "Agent Zero" is the focus of WJFK's ad campaign? Is "Agent Zero" the most penetrating nickname in Washington sports history? And it came from a City Paper guy? Guaranteed Win Night™ and R²D²™ in the same post? Should I really bet the mortgage and then some on the Twins?)

***
More tales of anti-bagging at FedExField for the Tampa Bay game are showing up on Dan Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com.

My favorite comes from a poster going by the name of Loren:

I came straight from the Army Ten-Miler to the game, didn't have time to go home first, I had some sweaty clothes and other stuff (cell phone, camera, etc.) with me. As I was walking from the Metro I saw guys handing out the bag, and got offered one. I laughed and said "No thanks". I think they're funny, but don't want to wear one this early in the season. Then, as I'm walking away, he goes "Come on man, you can carry your stuff in there." Great idea! I thought about it for a second, and went back and got it, and threw my stuff in to make carrying it around a little easier.

Then, going into the gate, carrying my stuff in the paper bag (not wearing it, it didn't even have holes cut in it, it was all wrinkled up from me carrying it around all tailgate), I was told I had to throw it out, so I had to take all my stuff out (sweaty clothes and all), and haul it around all game!

I mean, are you serious? Can this guy not take any heat? I understand that my first amendment rights weren't violated (hell, I wasn't even trying to make a statement, except maybe "Carrying around stuff in a bag is easier than carrying it around by hand"), and that I was on private property, and Snyder has the right to say what you can bring on his property. BUT, this is still so petty, so small, so pathetic, and things like this are EXACTLY why the message on the bags (hate the owner, love the team) is the prevailing sentiment among Redskins fans.

If I ever see anyone selling a t-shirt about how terrible Snyder is (without cursing or anything like that), I will buy it right away and wear it to any game I happen to go to.

***

WJFK has a new advertising campaign for its opening season of broadcasting Washington Wizards games.

The featured spot opens with a macabre voice saying: "Agent Zero and the Wizards... return to the  basketball court...for vengeance!"

"Agent Zero," we all know, is Gilbert Arenas' nickname. But the genesis of that handle is one of the coolest tales I've ever heard. Former City Paper graphic artist James Morris concocted Arenas' moniker while writing for his great first-generation sports blog, Wizznutzz.

And it took off. It's by far the biggest athletic nickname in town these days, and maybe of all time. And it's all organic!

Everytime I hear somebody use "Agent Zero," I think about Morris and smile.

***

The Run Run Differential Differential™ (R²D²™ ), a fake statistic made up in this space  a few months ago purely to satisfy demand for digital column inches, turned into something great while nobody was paying attention.

But still, nobody's paying attention. So we will now let R²D²™ inform another Cheap Seats Daily word-count gimmick that brought even more pleasure to the masses: Guaranteed Win Night™!

Most folks would look at the final AL Central standings and only notice that Minnesota and Detroit ended up with identical records, 86-76. But R²D²™ disciples would focus on how the Twins outscored the opposition by 51 runs on the season, while the Tigers put up 738 runs, but gave up one more, 739.

That means the Twins have a +52-run run differential differential with the Tigers.

Any baseball man will tell you pitching wins championships. But Cheap Seats Daily's got another credo, made up just this second: R²D² Wins Ballgames™!

And in this one-game Twins/Tigers series to see who moves on to the playoffs, it would be irresponsible of us to sleep on that plus-52 R²D² !

So, we're sponsoring one more Guaranteed Win Night™, and urging both our readers to bet the mortgage and then some on the Twins** for this evening's play-in playoff game!

And, remember, if this tout doesn't come in, you get the rest of the season free!

***

*Full disclosure: I freelance music reviews for the Washington Post.

**Don't really bet the mortgage and then some on the Twins, dumbass...unless you're one of those people who actually enjoys having crazy amounts of mad money just lying around!

***

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***

The Great Dan Steinberg posts a Great Video of Ryan Zimmerman talking up D.C. United to promote next week's U.S. Open Cup championship game.

You know the U.S. Open Cup, right? That's the one where to get to the finals United had to march through neighborhood powerhouses like the Ocean City (N.J.) Barons, the Harrisburg (Pa.) City Islanders, and the Rochester (N.Y.) Rhinos, in games played at a suburban community center field.

It appears that before the promo shoot Zimmerman hit the quaalude table in the green room hard.

Either that, or like the rest of the world he can't even fake enthusiasm for the U.S. Open Cup.

AFTER THE JUMP: Keith Urban fans don't know who Ryan Zimmerman is? There is no "I" in arson? Paul Farhi goes ground-and-pound on Dan Snyder? Nats win!? Nats win!?

(Speaking of Zimmerman: I went to see country superstar Keith Urban last week at Verizon Center. He changed the lyrics of one of his many hits to include "Nationals," and told the crowd he'd gone to see the Nationals play the night before and that he'd sat in seats provided by Ryan Zimmerman. The fan response to all Urban's Nats references was equal and, well, non-existent. It was sad. Urban might as well have talked up the U.S. Cup.)

(Speaking of urban: Perhaps the chance at living closer to the SoccerPlex, host of so many of United's U.S. Cup clashes, motivated Steinberg to abandon D.C. for the Maryland suburbs. Nothing else makes sense!)

***

Nobody shows up for class reunions like football stars. But what if you burned down your high school — like, really burned it down? And what if your burning down your school meant your classmates had to spend most of their senior year shuttled around town to finish up at rival schools that weren't burned down by football stars?

Then, do you show up for your reunion?

Well, the Class of '79 at Fort Hunt High School held its 30-year reunion.

Matt Musolino didn't show, according to organizers.

Musolino was a star fullback on the 1978 Fort Hunt team that won the Gunston District title. His partner in the backfield, Rocky Belk, went on to star at Miami. Musolino was going to get a free ride to Louisiana Tech.

But then he burned down his school.

Musolino was one of three kids convicted of arson for the December 1978 fire that knocked Fort Hunt High out of commission. He told the Washington Post shortly after the trials that he went to his father's service station on Route 1 and got the gas for the molotov cocktails that they used to torch the school during a night of drinking over Christmas break. (Must have been something in the water in that area: In 1971, Fort Hunt Elementary was burned down by students, too.) To add a touch of Shakespeare to what was really just a dirtball prank gone horribly wrong: Musolino's uncle was a successful architect who had designed the school.

A million kids from our generation had probably boasted about burning down their school just like the Fort Hunt kids did –  That's the climactic scene in the Ramones' "Rock and Roll High School," ain't it? But these guys went out and did it.

I was a senior at Falls Church High the same year, and the burners were instant folk heroes among the dazed and confused adolescents in my small Northern Virginia circle.

But, don't try this at home, kids: These guys all got caught and did jail time, and they screwed up the lives of all their classmates, who had to finish the year at rival Groveton and never got to go back to Fort Hunt.

The other moral of Musolino's story, of course, is that if you do burn down your school, you won't show up for your 30-year reunion. Even if you were a football star.

***

Sally Jenkins' write-up of Little League World Series creepiness hit home with me. When I was in Little League, I practiced hard to be like Bert Blyleven. I didn't care to match the Twins' pitcher's famous curveball, Lord Charles I think they called it back then. No, I spent hours and hours trying to spit like Bert Blyleven spit from the mound during an NBC Game of the Week broadcast. And after a whole summer, I could shoot a stream of saliva a good distance without any noticeable movement of facial muscles, and without a sound. I still find myself spitting whenever I walk on grass fields. Sad but true.

Guess the ballplayers really are role models.

***

Also yesterday, Washington Post writer Paul Farhi's regular chat with his readers about local radio ("Station Break") turned into a head-to-toe bashing of all things Dan Snyder.

Farhi and his flock went after Lindsay Czarniak for wearing licensed Redskins apparel, after WRC for airing all those Redskins infomercials, after concession prices and parking and pretty much everything at FedExField, after management of Six Flags, after his deal with StubHub, etc.

It was less a chat than a stoning. And no stone was left unthrown.

By the time the Snyder crushing was over, there wasn't any time left to talk about radio.

But, if Snyder's looking for something to cling to, Farhi did have nice things to say about "Valkyrie." Now there's a zig instead of zag!

(Radio update Snyder might like: The must-surf dc media site DCRTV, meanwhile, posted a new batch of Portable People Meter radio rankings that show Snyder's WTEM beating rival new sportstalker WJFK. Tho, with WTEM in 19th place in the market, and WJFK the 20th most listened to station, neither's lighting up the market.)

***

Nats crush the next-to-last team to fire Jim Riggleman. I'm going on vacation.

***

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Sports leagues, like romantic relationships, can't survive taking a break. Last year AFL owners thought they were different, announcing that while they'd be spending the 2009 season apart, they weren't breaking up.

Again: Just need some space. Just taking some time off from each other before getting back together.

Well, this week, several AFL owners leaked to the press the date that they'll be getting back together: The 12th....OF NEVER!

The AFL is dead.

The disbanding means, alas, Dan Snyder won't ever bring us the AFL team he promised back in 1999.

(AFTER THE JUMP: MMA is the next arena football? How many Redskins blogs are out there? Dan Steinberg marvels at whose muscles? The Washington Times toasts Bruce Smith? Michael Vick is partying where? The Nats are still playing?)

Snyder bought the DC franchise rights for the AFL shortly after taking over the Redskins. He said back then that he was going to name the indoor team the Warriors, and registered trademarks for that name and for an arrow-and-feather logo and helmet design.

Then Snyder never made any move toward putting that team together.

At the time, I figured Snyder only registered the marks because it looked like he could lose federal trademark protections on "Redskins" for being racist, and he wanted a fall-back name ready.

All these years later, I still agree with myself. Guess we'll never know what his real intentions were.

No official announcement of the league's disbanding has yet appeared on the AFL's web site.

However, the league's "Mission Statement" is still prominently placed:

“To serve our community with pride and passion as a quality example of individual and team excellence on the field, in the office, at the arena and within the community by consistently exceeding our customers’ expectations by demonstrating the highest character, appreciation and respect for our game, customers, teammates and partners as a cost-effective and visionary organization providing a total entertainment experience.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Among the few things I can think of more boring than reading the AFL Mission Statement is watching an arena football game.

Columnist Ray Ratto takes the indoor football and runs with it. Ratto links indoor football with Twitter, and says UFC is the next AFL.

I agree.

***

In case you missed it: Dan Snyder's SIX Flags lost another $121 million-plus change this spring. Who's to blame? God, government, Mother Nature, Swine Flu, Jesus' death, and minimum wage employees, say Dan Snyder and Six Flags co-captain Mark Shapiro.

And so what if Six Flags is in the toilet? Dan Snyder just wants to win, dammit!

***

The Great Dan Steinberg marvels at the big muscles the Redskins have. Thank goodness the NFL has been so out-front in the drug testing realm, so that I and other media types, not to mention all football fans, don't have to waste a single second wondering whether ANY of these behemoths achieved this unnatural looking state through any means other than just eating real good and throwing lots of steel!

Way to keep it clean, NFL! Just say no, kids!

***

The Michael Vick Watch goes on off the football field, too. An event called the "Michael Vick Community Celebration" scheduled for this weekend in his hometown of Newport News, Va., was cancelled because, organizers said, Vick had to be in Atlanta for a Humane Society event.

But then no animal rights types in Atlanta would confirm that Vick is supposed to be there, either.

The big questions: What sort of creeps would organize a Vick "celebration" now? Who can even be near the guy and look at him without thinking, "Yucky!"?

***

Speaking of troubled Tidewater athletes: Real odd story in the Washington Times with longtime football writer Dave Elfin working mightily to try to rehab Bruce Smith's image just after the Hokie/Bill/Redskin's conviction on a third DUI arrest in 12 years.

The city of Virginia Beach cancelled a party that was going to celebrate Smith's induction to the Hall of Fame because of his drinking and driving problems.

Elfin argues that for a guy with three DUI arrests he's great with kids, and a great businessman, too, for a guy with three DUI arrests.

"If I hadn't done what I did on the football field," Smith  says of his buying things for an old football coach in his hometown, "I wouldn't have been afforded the opportunity to give back in such a fashion."

Well, there's that, Bruce, plus: you'd be in jail now.

***

The blog DC Pro Sports Report has a compendium of all the Redskins sites out there. Good god, you won't believe how many there are.

***

Nats have a six-run eighth and beat Florida, 6-4. Greatest comeback win of the season! Three-game winning streak!

Uh, oh! This just in: Until further notice, it's still football season! Just as things were getting exciting! Darn!

***

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Or, rather, Chad deplumes Kellogg a previously non-possessed one, as the blowhardy CBS color man would describe the action.

The Kellogg takedown was long overdue. Sure, he seems like a nice, smart guy—but nobody says less in more time. The TV timeouts and Kellogg are the only good reasons not to watch the NCAA tournament. (Damn, was Friday night's late session as good as televised sports gets or what?)

As revealed in a fresh Sports Bog entry from the also great Dan Steinberg (full-disclosure: neighbor, NCAA tournament gambling co-dependent), Wizards coach Ed Tapscott suffers from Kelloggitis. One example of Tapscott's overspeaking ways: When asked if the team's Houdini, Gilbert Arenas, will reappear on the court anytime soon, the coach says that "health will be the ultimate determination."

The Magic 8-Ball would be a better interview.

That's the B-minus movie from 1994 that starred Cerrato as "Sgt. Antonelli," a detective who enlists kids to help him fight drug gangs.

It's amazing viewing.

Fallout from his role in "Kindergarten Ninja" could have legs. Folks over at Extremeskins.com, Dan Snyder's message board, have begun dropping references to "Sarge" and "Antonelli" whenever derision of Cerrato is called for.

But Cerrato isn't the first Redskins thespian. And "Ninja"' might not be the worst Redskins movie, either.

As bad as Cerrato's scenes are, the movie's gotta be "Bladerunner" compared to "Brotherhood of Death," a Redskins-laden feature film from 1976.

"Brotherhood" starred Skins Mike Thomas, Mike Bass, Roy Jefferson and Frank Grant as Vietnam vets who come back to their Southern hometown to shoot it out with the Ku Klux Klan.

The Washington Post's review of "Brotherhood" back in the day said the film “resembles a home movie.”

And of the shootout scenes (shot in Gaithersburg, not the Deep South) with the men in hoods and robes, the Post critic wrote: “O.J. Simpson did it in ‘The Klansman’ and did it with better moves.”

Several years ago, I interviewed a lot of the folks involved in "Brotherhood of Death" for a story about the Blaxploitation nugget, which can count Quentin Tarantino as a fan. My favorite comments came from Erich Roland, who shows up in the "Brotherhood" credits as both a production assistant and "Soldier on Guard Duty."

Roland was an 18 year old local kid and hardcore Redskins fan when he was recruited to work on "Brotherhood."

He's gone on to a long and distinguished career working Academy Award-winning films and serious documentaries.

But Roland never forgot where he came from.

"I never got the sense that anybody on that set thought we were making art," Roland told me in 2005. "Now, after 29 years, I can say that [Brotherhood] is the only movie I’ve ever worked on where people didn’t at least pretend they were making art."

Roland was not part of the Kindergarten Ninja crew, and has never worked with Vinny Cerrato.

What are they talking about in terms of a timeline for you, and what are you looking at?

Don't have a timeline. If I'm healthy, I'm back, but if I'm not, I'm not.

So there's been no timeline set for you in terms of a return to play?

They said this injury takes four to six months, so it depends on am I a four-month guy, a five-month guy or a six-month guy. I don't know yet.

Are you a four-month guy?

Not right now. It's been four months.

Steinberg put the exchange on the Bog to show readers "what we're up against," presumably a reference to the frustrations of covering injured professional athletes. No shit. I have no personal experience in doing the reporter, but plenty as a fan. Throughout the NFL season, for example, it's sometimes hard to determine what coaching staffs are more focused on: winning the upcoming game or keeping injury information from leaking out. Bill Belichick and the NE Pats, of course, lead the league in obfuscation on this front, but plenty of other clubs are right up there in the rankings.

My own New York Giants distinguish themselves too. Late this season, defensive end Justin Tuck told Mike Garafolo, Giants beat reporter for the New Jersey Star-Ledger, that he'd tell him all about his "seven" injuries when the season was over. Well, not long after that, the season was over, and Tuck clammed up.

It all goes to show you that if your throw enough attention and money at people, they'll find new and insufferable ways to act precious.

Hey, Matt Chico! Nice wetsuit!

Professional athlete Dmitri Young

According to the cast roster, Cerrato, who once accused Washington Post columnist/Vinny tormentor Jason La Canfora of playing up Italian stereotypes when mentioning Cerrato on his Post blog, plays somebody named "Antonelli" in the movie.

The clip pulled by Steinberg (my neighbor, friend, idol, etc.) is bad.

Fantastically bad. Valkyrie bad. (Would somebody, maybe executive producer Dan Snyder, explain why the guy playing Hitler has a German accent but Tom Cruise doesn't?)

But Cerrato, decked out in a stone-washed or acid-washed ensemble, looks marvelous.

Speaking of moonlighting: Seeing as Cerrato took a big radio job when the Skins were winning, then hid from fans as soon as the team started losing, there's gotta be some way I can now work the phrase "Ninja Turtles!" into my copy.

There's just gotta be.