Cocktails And Dreams: Official symbols are the stuff state and local governments are made of. Why else would jousting be the state sport of Maryland, the brook trout the state fish of Virginia, or the scarlet oak the (ahem) state tree of the District? Add to that list one new item; the Rickey, a limey libation invented across Pennsylvania Avenue from what's now the Wilson Building, is the official "native cocktail" of the city. July is also Rickey month here. Cheers! +1

Gandhi Is As Gandhi Does: Followers of D.C. politics know Nat Gandhi as the District's chief financial officer; he's the man the city's pols look to for advice on just how screwed the budget is. For a few days next month, he will also be the man audiences at the JCC of Greater Washington look to as Mahatma Gandhi. Gandhi will play Gandhi in A Tryst With Destiny, a play about how India won independence from Britain and how Pakistan split off to form its own nation. Alas, the theater is in Rockville, or else Gandhi could have pushed for surcharges on ticket sales to boost D.C. revenue. +1

Freedom!: The Virgin FreeFest involves pretty much what you'd expect—music, free tickets, and lots of advertising for Virgin America. (What, you thought there'd just be a lot of virgins there?) But today's presale for the festival sold out rapidly, and naturally, now the tickets are going on Craigslist for $100. More freebies will be available tomorrow; truly, the free market is a wonderful thing. -1

Doom!: It was, officially, unbearably hot this week, especially on Tuesday. Which means we may as well just surrender now; a heat wave is building in the Plains this weekend that will hit the East Coast next week that federal weather officials are already warning will be extremely awful. Forecast models show a lot of angry red and pink areas on temperature maps. Oh, for the glory days of Snowmageddon. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 43 Today's score: -1 Today's Needle rating: 42

Hate to stomp on the weather beat that others at City Desk are already covering with gusto. But I'll stick to forecasts, and stay away from the retrocasting favored by the boss.

So, Sunday in Landover at kickoff: 47 degrees, rainy, winds 13 miles an hour from the north and 100 percent cloud cover. That used to be called "Redskins Weather!" around here. Now, it's called "You Can Get a Redskins Ticket for 17 Cents Weather!"

On a related note...

Redskins Ticket Watch: More than a thousand ads for Skins/Chiefs tickets on Craigslist this morning. Asking prices in just the first few listings I found went from "Way below face value!" to "Half Price!" to "75 percent off!" to "Make an offer!"

Face value's a pipe dream. Come to think of it, with 47 degrees and wet on the horizon, 17 cents might look like a windfall by kickoff. In any case, folks who intend to show up at FedExField might need to bring something to cover their heads from all the precipitation.

Like, bags or plates, maybe?

(AFTER THE JUMP: Vinny Cerrato is told it's the talent, stupid? Snyderatto = Rosie Ruiz? Snyder changed the copy in the cheerleader car wash contest AGAIN? Will the Great Dan Steinberg fall for the not-actual-cheerleaders picture bait AGAIN? Ronnie Mervis and Dan Snyder use the same advertising firm?)

***

Great Moments in Uncomfortable Radio: Randy Covitz, a beat writer for the Kansas City Star covering the Kansas City Chiefs, came on this morning's "Inside the Red Zone," the mystifying show hosted by Redskins personnel wizard/Six Flags investor Vinny Cerrato.

Cerrato was going over the problems that young head coach Todd Haley was having with his 0-5 Chiefs when Covitz blurted out: "We know it's not the coaching. It's the talent!"

We know that, Vinny? Right? A guy can't win without talent, for crissakes! We know that, Vinny? Right? So how come Jim Zorn's on the hottest seat?

On a related note: Washingtonpost.com's Dave Goldberg rates the Skins front office as the worst in the NFL.

***

Vinny Cerrato no longer takes phone calls from listeners on his show, as he did when then-new WTEM owner Dan Snyder gave the longtime sidekick the program early last season. 'Course, the Skins briefly had a winning record at that time.

Times have changed, alas. So Vinny has more airtime to fill all by himself.* He used much of it to today to counsel Redskins fans repeatedly that a football season "isn't a sprint, it's a marathon."

And Snyderatto's got just the role model for marathoning: Rosie Ruiz.

*I just discovered that The Great Steinographer transcribed almost every portion of Cerrato's show other than the KC interview and the marathon references. I mean, Cerrato's show goes off the air at 10:00 a.m. This latest load of Steinography was posted at 9:24 a.m. How big is Steinberg's staff? How many fingers does he have? How great is he?

***

Dan Snyder's Cheerleader Fetish Update: More toning down going on at the Washington Redskins cheerleader car wash.

For the unfamiliar: Dan Snyder's sportstalker WTEM recently launched a Redskins Cheerleader Car Wash contest, where cheerleader's will pick up a sponge and hand over their pride to somebody in the 25-54 year old male demographic that the station covets.

Cheap Seats Daily has written about the car wash as critically and as often as the Washington Post editorial board does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. And Snyder has heard our roar. Or, well, he's tweaked the language in the ad campaign to make it less pervy.

First he removed the dudes and their pre-masturbation conversation that were featured in the original radio commercial for the contest. Now, he's also de-perved the copy in the online advertisements.

Original: “How would you like to see the Redskins take on the Cowboys? — AND have the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders soap up and scrub down your car???”

Tweaked: "How would you like to see the Redskins take on the Cowboys? – AND have the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders give your car a great SpongeTech wash???"

(Spongetech, a sudsy sponge manufacturer, is a sponsor of the contest, and a company that was recently kicked off the trading board by the Securities and Exchange Commission for allegedly shady accounting and disclosure practices. But that's not the yucky part.)

So cheerleaders no longer are on "soap up" and "scrub down" duties. They just have to "give your car" a wash. Different, yes, but still humiliating.

But how come Snyder won't let go of the picture of the cheerleaders all sudsy and rubbing down a car — though "not actual cheerleaders" were used for the photo shoot, according to a small-print caveat — that has been featured in the campaign?

Until he does, Cheap Seats Daily has no choice but to run that photo again! (Take that, TGDS!)

***

Something's fishy about the ongoing guerilla marketing campaign from Mervis Diamond Importers.

Ronnie Mervis has put himself out to unhappy football fans as the guy who can replace Dan Snyder as owner of the Washington Redskins.

There's so much rancor toward Snyder in this area, just by offering himself up, Mervis has brought an incredible amount of attention to himself and his jewelry firm. But it's sorta odd that Both Mervis and the Washington Redskins are listed as clients of the same advertising firm: ROI Advertising of Northern Virginia. Mervis is also a big advertiser on Snyder's sports station, WTEM.

Snyder's probably in on it.

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

Above is an ad e-mailed out by the Redskins ticket office this week. As you read this, remember, for chuckles, that just a couple months ago Redskins executive Mitch Gershman was claiming in press releases that the team had a waiting list of "over 200,000."

Sure, the Skins waiting list has long been bogus. But this year it's also become apparent that the NFL's blackout rule is enforced as stringently as its steroids policy.

(AFTER THE BREAK: Where's Chris Cooley in that photo? Clinton Tortoise? Lord Farquaad? Lindsay Czarniak cheers on teams that don't pay her? Is the NY Times reporter on Dan Snyder's payroll, too? Another Have-Nots bowl this week?)

FedExField this Sunday would be a good place and time to test my theory that Dan Snyder has mucked up the Redskins every bit as much as he mucked up Six Flags.

Tickets to Skins games have been overpriced, based on demand, since FedExField opened. I've never been to a game there when tickets couldn't be had for far less than face value. I used to half-joke, based on experience, that if you simply held a $20 bill in the air in the stadium parking lot on game day you'd get mauled by folks trying to unload spare tickets.

But, the bottom is about to fall out of the Skins ticket market, and that could happen this weekend with KC in town: Craigslist had 908 separate ads hawking Skins/Chiefs tickets posted when I checked late last night.

So: Six Flags stock, which sold for $11.92 shortly after Snyder took over the theme park chain in 2005, now goes for 17.2 cents.

I wonder if Skins tickets will be worth any more than that this weekend.

Anybody willing to sell Redskins tickets for 17.2 cents, please e-mail cheapseats@washcp.com.

***

Interesting thing about that photo the Redskins marketing department is using to move excess tickets this week: Two tight ends are up front, Todd Yoder and Fred Davis. But no Chris Cooley. Sort of like the box score to last weekend's game in Carolina.

Seriously, after spending the summer yelling "Look at me! Look at me!" and hoping to become the face of the franchise through any number of off-field stunts, Cooley's disappeared. Cooley had no catches on Sunday, and only showed up in the highlights because he had mimicked Santana Moss's silly first-down routine after a play.

Cooley's used up most of his attention-getting tricks by now, too. The guy's going to have to burn two cows or show two penises to get noticed.

Or, you know, catch some passes.

***

The Skins' lousy season has produced some giggle-friendly new nicknames. Among them:

"Clinton Tortoise," attributed to WTEM hosts Andy Pollin and Steve Czaban; "Albert Buttersworth," all over sports radio; and, the clubhouse leader by several strokes, "Lord Farquaad," for Dan Snyder, which I first saw two weeks ago on Snyder's own message board, ExtremeSkins.com, and has since caught fire.

Damn, that's funny.

***

The New York Times has been writing a lot about the Redskins these days. The Times' coverage of the Dan Snyder administration is very different from the Washington Post coverage.

While the Post and Snyder go at it behind the scenes and in print, the Times' Skins stories, all from reporter Judy Battista, have sometimes been fawning.

Sometimes, they're just plain fictional. (Double-dare you to match the headline with anything in the story!) Battista referenced that latter story, which insinuated for no apparent reason and with no evidence to support the insinuation that ex-Skins GM Charley Casserly was impressed by Dan Snyder's coolness this season, in one of her pieces this week, saying "Snyder was still feeling patient" a little more than two weeks ago."

Says who?

What is it with Times reporters named Judy getting snowed when they cover D.C. matters?

***

Lindsay Czarniak led off her sports report on WRC-TV's 11 o'clock newscast last night with an incredibly enthusiastic segment on the Wizards three-point win over Detroit, pumping up Gilbert Arenas' stats and Flip Saunders revenge. I'd never seen such fervor for a preseason NBA game.

The excitement was catchy, and seemed totally genuine: Czarniak works for Dan Snyder, but not Abe Pollin, and so she wasn't wearing any Wizards' gear as she gushed.

If you follow sports in Washington, I guess preseason is the best time to get excited, before hopes and dreams get crushed.

***

Update on the Road to 11 Losses: We now know there will be no 0-11 season in local high school football.

Anacostia's chance at having the losingest year in D.C. high school football history got waylaid last Friday, as the Indians beat Eastern 36-0 in a matchup of really down programs.

Anacostia, which went into the game 0-6, has scheduled 11 games this year, one more than the standard 10-game season, and far as I can tell, no D.C. school has ever had an 0-11 record. But Anacostia just couldn't find a way to lose to Eastern, which didn't have a football team at all last year because of a lack of players, and so far is 0-4 in the 2009 season.

Eastern, which only has 8 games listed on its schedule, now has its biggest game of the year this Friday when it hosts Spingarn in the latest Have-Nots Bowl: Together, Eastern and Spingarn have been outscored 397-19 and have an 0-9 record.

Somebody's gotta win!

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

But, it's only preseason, the team won, he's only in the second year of Jim Zorn's offense, he's had several offensive coordinators in his career, he...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...what? where? Oh, sorry...I nodded off going over all the defenses of Campbell.

1-7 stinks. But it ain't that surprising.

***

Speaking of same ol': George Michael's gone, but his legacy lives on at WRC.

Michael worked for Dan Snyder but never told his viewers that. Now, we have Lindsay Czarniak, the station's co-lead sportscaster since Michael's departure, wearing licensed Redskins products on the air while working for Snyder's broadcasting department. And we have her partner Dan Hellie co-hosting "The Jim Zorn Show" with Larry Weisman, a Dan Snyder staffer who writes press releases disguised as news stories for the team. Just as the Redskins web site teases Czarniak's work on preseason games, the team teases Hellie's work on "The Jim Zorn Show."

Snyder owns both broadcasts.

Hellie and Czarniak, despite the infomercial work and how silly it makes the WRC news operation look, are still allowed to report on the Redskins for WRC's news shows.

That's the way the station's boss wants it.

AFTER THE JUMP: Still whining about WRC reporters being BFF's with Dan Snyder? Will Tom Sherwood give speeches for the mayor? Snyder creates Trickle-Down-Gouge-enomics? Beckham can't score in DC? Dunn and Zimmerman are copycat sluggers?

Michael Jack, president and general manager of WRC-TV/NBC4, said so in a press release from the Redskins Park in February that announced that Channel 4's journalists were now beholden to Snyder, and would work on the FIVE (!) weekly Snyder-produced Redskins infomercials the station will broadcast: “We think the NBC brand and our No. 1 rated newscasts, combined with the Redskins brand, will be the perfect fit as we look to produce year-round programming,” said Jack, who probably learned a lot about the profitability of selling out to the Redskins from Michael before canning the sportscasting legend last year.

In the same release, Janice Schmidt, a Redskins senior vice president,  gushed that the team was "pleased to expand our relationship" with WRC, and how great it was to see "the No. 1 television station and the No. 1 sports team in Washington joining forces."

Why stop with just selling out to the Redskins, Mr. Jack? Why not have Tom Sherwood give speeches for Mayor Fenty? And get Pat Collins to go gang-banging for MS-13!

Is Jim Vance OK with all this crap?

I'll stop typing these conflict-of-interest rants just as soon as I get my invitation to the WRC news department's Redskins salon! I know it's coming!

***

The FanZone, a private parking lot near FedExField did gangbuster business.

The FanZone positioned itself as the anti-Snyder Parking Lot. It was marketed by WJFK, Dan Snyder's competition in the sportstalk radio realm, with longer hours, no tailgating restrictions — and a discounted price.

"While some tailgating has been toned down" read the pitch, "we’re taking it to the next level! We're opening early and staying open late."

A season pass cost $300, or $50 cheaper than Snyder's cheapest parking pass.

There's no mention of FedExField or the Redskins anywhere in the solicitation.

The FanZone passes sold out for the season in no time flat.

Nobody in their right brain would pay $300 for parking in middle-of-nowhere PG County before Dan Snyder bought property there. Now, all because of Snyder, $300 is a bargain!

Forget supply-side or demand-side! Snyder's the leader of the Gouge-Side School of Economics.

***

More than 22,000 came to RFK to see David Beckham and his Los Angeles Galaxy mates not score against DC United on Saturday. Remember when Beckham sold out the stadium and had Craigslist all atwitter with scalping offers? Seems like only yesterday.

There are few things sadder in the sports page than the box score of a 0-0 match. The Washington Post's Steven Goff reports that United was without Coach Tom Soehn because of a suspected case of swine flu. It's the new sports hernia.

***

Texas Monthly has an incredible feature on Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach. What a guy. There's no local connection to this story, 'cept I went to school there, and Leach is the first Techster the national media has cared about since longtime DC resident John Hinckley. But even if you've never been to Lubbock, you'll love Leach and the story, or I'll refund the time and money you spent reading it.

***

The Nats only got 26,307 for Friday night's loss to Milwaukee, despite the Lerners flooding the market with $1 tickets. I figured a much bigger crowd woulda showed on the day the team introduced The Future. The weather must have mussed everything up.

Then only 19,000 and change showed up for Saturday night's loss, despite all the goodwill from the Strasburg signing and even though it was Frank Howard Bobblehead Night.

On Sunday, the Nationals ended the long post-signing losing streak and avoided yet another sweep.

Ever notice that whenever Adam Dunn hits a homer, Ryan Zimmerman does, too? It's spooky.

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

According to the craigslist event, this will not be a traditional protest with signs and banners.  Rather, participants have received emails telling them where and when to show up and what to do.  They'll either stand still or have a silent dance party, when a large group gathers to dance to tunes from their portable music devices.  And of course they'll be wearing green.

We Love DC has posted the locations of the different flash mobs.  Each one will last 1-2 hours at 5 locations throughout Northwest.  They are expected to assemble quickly so keep an eye out for mobs of emerald-clad activists this afternoon.

Last year Craigslist, which lists 18 employees on its "about us" page, made somewhere between $20 and $80 million dollars. So why is its CEO, Jim Buckmaster, so p.o.'d about sex ads in alt-weeklies?

Because these bottom-feeding free publications are making an erotic comeback in the classifieds biz, with an assist from law enforcement.

Buckmaster has even taken to the blogosphere to air his frustrations with alt-weekly encroachment. In a recent post, he lists several titles of adult ads he found on backpage.com, a collection of classifieds sites owned by Village Voice Media (VVM). "Cum lay your hotdog on my bun for memorial day" (Dallas); "Let me put you to bed backdoor available $80" (Columbia, S.C.); "An Irish blowjob and a cum showering rainbow" (New York). He links to a screenshot of the last ad, which has photos of a woman performing fellatio.

"It’s worth noting that these ads’ TITLES ALONE contain more explicit content than you will find in all craigslist adult service ads combined," he writes in the post.

This umbrage is a bit rich for many alt-weeklies, for whom Craigslist's free classifieds were an extinction-level event.

Kris Dodd, a longtime classfied-ads sales representative at the Chicago Reader (which, like this paper, has been owned by Creative Loafing since 2007), remembers days when his paper ran 50 pages of classified ads—and not on the paper's puny new size; we're talking glorious 11x17 quarterfold. "You could buy a Lamborghini a week for what we made in classifieds," he says, taking pains to note that Lamborghinis command a wide range of prices.

Brett Murphy, the Reader's advertising director, says pre-Craigslist (the meteor hit around 2005), the paper ran about 5,000 classifieds a week. Last week it ran about 1,500 in the paper and about twice that online. But the days when alt-weeklies essentially printed money, when, as Dodd says, "we were legendary," are long gone.

But at some weeklies, something unexpected is happening. Here at Washington City Paper, where few ad categories in recent memory have been the stuff of legend, adult ads in the first week of May were up 38 percent over the same time last year, says Heather McAndrews, the company's classifieds manager. Mark Bartel, the publisher of Minneapolis' City Pages, says adult ads there have "almost doubled." SF Weekly ran 160 adult ads the week before Craigslist's new standards dropped; last week, it had 910. (Both City Pages and SF Weekly are owned by VVM and power their classifieds with backpage.com.)

In the glory days of alt-weeklies, the money in classifieds came mostly from real estate. The Reader's classifieds are such an ingrained part of Chicago life that This American Life just ran a show whose stories bounce off Reader classifieds. But "adult-services" ads—wink-wink, nudge-nudge solicitations for escorts and "sensual bodywork"—lent a, um, helping hand. Craigslist laid waste to that business, too: An adult-services ad in Washington City Paper starts at $150 per week. At the Reader, an online/print combo runs $100. On Craigslist it was, until May 12, $5, money the Web site donated to charity.

But murders have a way of upending business models.

On April 14, Julissa Brisman was murdered in Boston; her killer had allegedly found her through a massage ad in the "erotic services" section on Craigslist. George Weber, a New York City radio reporter, was murdered a few weeks earlier, allegedly by someone who'd answered his Craigslist ad seeking rough sex.

Never mind that both accused killers answered rather than placed ads, or that Craigslist helped finger them; Richard Blumenthal, Connecticut's attorney general, called Craigslist "a blatant Internet brothel." Other attorneys general chimed in. Craigslist beat a strategic retreat, closing its erotic services category and promising to manually review all ads in the new "adult services" one.

And thus a famously, painfully level playing field was made a little less level. Now, when you place an adult-services ad on Craigslist, you have to aver that you are offering no "content that is unlawful, pornographic, or which advertises illegal services"; no ads "suggesting or implying an exchange of sexual favors for money"; no "pornographic images, or images suggestive of an offer of sexual favors."

That complying ad will run you $10, because manually vetting ads is not cheap.

With Craigslist selling ads in more than 250 markets, searching for noncompliant ads means looking for the obvious: codes like a half-hour of someone's company will cost you 100 "roses."

Craigslist's "competition" has standards, too—they're just not as fresh and unequivocal as the ass-covering Craigslist versions. In a City Paper ad, says McAndrews, you can't post a photo of genitalia or penetration. "Nipples are kind of on a fence," she says. Heather Hansen of the Seattle Stranger says advertisers on its Naughty Northwest site can't "show their privates," adding that photos can be "a little bit risqué and sexy but nothing over the top."

"Kay," who advertises herself as a "Busty Blonde/ Toys" in City Paper, says Craigslist's new standards mean she can only submit "one of my pictures that doesn't net me a lot of business." Another woman who advertises in both City Paper and Craigslist and spoke on the condition that I didn't print her name says Craigslist's "standard is no good because you cannot really describe who you are."

At backpage.com, the standards are far more media-shitstorm-proof. Backpage charges Craigslist-like prices structure for its "adult entertainment" ads—in Minneapolis, for example, body rub ads cost $3, phone and Web site ads are a buck, and female escort postings cost $5. A variety of add-ons are available, and the site likewise warns against soliciting for illegal acts or using "code words such as 'greek', 'bbbj', 'blow', 'trips to greece', etc."

In an e-mail, Buckmaster says that "Village Voice staff quickly removed" the ads he linked to in his post, "but the titles alone tell the story." He included a link to the fellatio screenshot, saying it "illustrates the standards for content prevailing" at backpage.com.

After Buckmaster zinged backpage.com, it fired back, listing some ads it found on Craigslist. "I don't understand why he would attack us when really Jim Buckmaster understands the word 'Whac-a-Mole,'" says Carl Ferrer, backpage's founder and a vice president at VVM. "He still has lewd photos and coded terminology. He's still got it. They're in personals and casual encounters. And I'm not beating him up for it; just Buckmaster and I are aware of the challenges of user-generated content."

Ferrer says backpage "did get a real spike in traffic with Craigslist's changes," but he cautions that spikes in traffic may be illusory: "Many users were black hats," he says. "Users from China posting porn. Users using stolen credit cards." Backpage, he says, has hired extra personnel to work in its abuse department.

"Craigslist has spent 14 years building its business based in large part on page views from adult content," Ferrer says. "And now that their market share is secure, it's decided to modify their rules of content and demand that everyone's done the same as they've done."

But now all of a sudden, Craigslist is at a great disadvantage to free weeklies, many of which aren't on the scopes of pontificating state pols. (And if this turnaround ends up saving my paper, I say God bless the unfairness of it all.) The Reader's Dodd, who says his paper hasn't seen anywhere near the increase in adult ads that City Paper or others have, calls the situation a "fluke."

"It'll just blow over," he says. "Most of this is a reaction to attorneys general and various sheriffs. But anybody who advertises on Craigslist, they could run the same ad in the Reader anyway."

With the Washington Post now soliciting sources via Craigslist, we'd hate to be late to the party.

With this in mind, and in the spirit of UGC, I'm putting out a call for factoids/tirades/anecdotes relating to public urination in and around the District.

Ever been arrested? Ever spotted for a friend? Ever ratted someone out? Ever squirmed your way, bladder full of empathy, through a performance of Urinetown?

If any of the above applies to you, please email me. You'll be richly rewarded, most likely in the form of a karmic exemption from kidney stones.

Ch 5 Brian B – 40 (NW)

Brian B on air at 10,,,you are a suited sexy guy..

any1 in the office ever see him his shirt off? hairy? or his shoes off, what size feet?

The posting is accompanied by a photo of Bolter alongside an unidentified man. Both wear shirts.

Much has been written on this blog—and others—as to whether victims of muggings/thefts/assault should try to fight back against their assailants. This craigslist missed connection, for one, gives a pretty awesome account of fighting back:

to the perv who groped me on my way home – w4m – 30 (Mt. Pleasant)

Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top
you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face.

You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know – I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean.

You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily – it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind.

It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you asshole! Run home!" and you did that, too!

Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic.

To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling – thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially – Chris, was it? – who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much.

My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom.

But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE.