911 Is a Joke: In retrospect, this should have been easily predictable—when the D.C. government furloughed employees on Feb. 22, some 200 emergency calls went unanswered. Police and firefighters were exempt from the budget-imposed furlough, but call center employees, i.e., the people who answer when you call 911, weren't. So instead of the usual 16 operators, there were three on duty. Reportedly, Mayor Vince Gray's office was warned of the possible problem ahead of time. The next furlough day is scheduled to be D.C. Emancipation Day, April 15. So if you're planning to have an emergency then... maybe think again. -4

Illegally Loaded: Readers of Washington City Paper's Loose Lips blog were ahead of the D.C. Council this morning (but then again, what else is new?). Councilmember Tommy Wells released a report on the SUVs leased by the District for Council Chairman Kwame Brown, confirming what LL reported on Friday—under a law passed in 2002, the city's not supposed to be renting SUVs no matter what color their seats are. And yet, since 2004, D.C. has acquired at least 42 such vehicles. Prediction: By the time this Navigatorgate thing is (ahem) in D.C.'s rear view mirror, there will be enough blame to go around for anyone who's even thought about running for D.C. Council, much less gotten elected. -2

Diseased International Airport: Flying always brings a risk of certain illnesses—with hundreds of people crammed in a tight space and air recirculating for hours, getting a cold is practically guaranteed. The warning Dulles officials are putting out, though, is a little more alarming than the average cough: A passenger from London may have given other fliers measles before flying off to infect others elsewhere. Most people were vaccinated against the disease as a child, but if you were at IAD and get sick, you can thank Jenny McCarthy. -1

Clinton Deported: Redskins running back Clinton Portis only played in five games last season, and only eight the season before that. So news he was released today wasn't entirely a surprise. But even an injury-riddled Portis still managed to lumber on to become the team's second-leading rusher in history in his eight years here, 684 yards behind John Riggins, so he'll be missed. Washingtonians who don't pay any attention to football may still know Portis from his Eastern Motors commercials. If he's no longer playing football here, is Portis' job still his credit? -2

Friday's Needle rating: 30 Today's score: -9 Today's Needle rating: 21

Winter Storm Washed: The first time snow was forecast for D.C. after Vince Gray was sworn in as mayor, it missed the city. The District's luck changed last week, but now it looks like the Gray administration's snow plan—don't let it snow—is working again, as an ice storm that was originally projected for the region should steer north of the city. The federal government, not taking any chances, will let workers telecommute or take unscheduled leave, anyway. +1

Panda Procreation: Butterstick watchers of the world, unite! The National Zoo is officially holding its collective breath, as trainers attempted artificial insemination of Mei Xiang over the weekend. The artificial insemination was the backup plan; Tian Tian tried, but failed, to mate with Mei Xiang on Saturday. The Zoo should know by the spring whether another cub is on the way. If not, China may replace the panda couple—presumably under the manufacturer's warranty provision in the lease for the animals. +2

Casa de Clinton: Sure, most Washingtonians couldn't just sign some papers and become a running back in the NFL. But if you've got $2.5 million lying around, you could at least pretend. Redskins star Clinton Portis has listed his McLean home for sale, complete with an "open and airy solarium." Alas, no mention of a "shark tank/pool/grotto complex," like former Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas had at his pad. +1

What It Takes: Running for president isn't easy; there's all the trips to Iowa and New Hampshire, the fundraising, the questions about where you were born, and of course, the requirement in the Constitution that you be 35 years old. A shortcut is available instead—you could just win the Nationals contest to be a racing president. There's no age minimum, and in fact, being over 35 is unlikely to help, but you do have to be between 5'7" and 6'6" to fit the costumes. As it happens, that's helpful if you want to do it the hard way, too. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 47 Today's score: +6 Today's Needle rating: 53

This morning during his regular spot on the "Mike Wise Show" on WJFK-FM, Portis said that he spent the bye week in Russia.

Host Wise and co-host Holden Kushner expressed disbelief, and pressed the gimpy tailback for details that would confirm that he had really gone that far east. Portis wouldn't play.

"What happens in Russia stays in Russia," Portis drawled.

I'm still not sure if he indeed went to Russia or if he's gonna be back in the lineup for Monday night's game with Philly. But, damn, that was good radio.

*Extreme apologies to The Great Dan Steinberg for filching his Steinography tack. Steinberg, like Bob Wills, is still the king.

During the Redskins/Colts matchup, we got to see Indy ball carrier Joseph Addai have the life sucked out of him in slo-motion early in the fourth quarter. Skins players held him up and LB London Fletcher delivered a professional kill shot. Addai's head snapped like a crash dummy. His senses and the ball left him before his knee hit the turf. Oswald taking a bullet in front of the cameras made for only slightly more savage television. Addai was helped off the field. He was also removed from a preseason game in August after getting concussed. And he had already reported neck injuries leading up to the Redskins game.

Chris Cooley, the Skins top receiver last night while he was in the lineup, was also sidelined moments earlier with a concussion. The Post recently reported that Cooley admitted to at least three concussions as a college player.

The Skins' Rocky McIntosh sat out last night's game with a similar headwound. Clinton Portis is officially out because of a groin injury, but he's taken a gaggle of devastating head shots this season, and was wobbled for all to see on the field a couple weeks ago.

The headwounds weren't just in Washington this weekend. In Philadelphia, where Vick now plays, the Eagles' DeSean Jackson and the Falcons' Dunta Robinson both suffered brain injuries on the same play. And Steelers linebacker James Harrison inflicted game-ending cranial damage on two Browns yesterday, Dunbar's own Josh Cribbs and Mohammed Massaquoi.

(Seeing all these hits again and again convinced me the highest paid man on the Redskins, Albert Haynesworth, who was spotted in a booth up above the field during the game taking photos of himself and his lady friend, is also the smartest.)

And the owners want to add two more weeks of this? Perhaps if the NFL extends the season, the league will also institute a standing eight count. Or have the players wear spiked collars!

Oh, well. I'd keep watching, with envy.

Mr. Obvious's Point No. 2: This season's debacledom, and the lack of hope that things will get better, can all be traced back to Dan Snyder. He's the one who delegated Bruce Allen to lead the team's ticket marketing operation.

Allen was the first guy given the general manager title since Snyder bought the team. He's also the first GM in NFL history to be a franchise's main pitch man. While other personnel men were handling personnel men matters, Allen spent the 2010 offseason hosting a series of wine and cheese klatsches for Snyder at FedExField. His main duty was selling club seats for the boss.

Allen's a great barker, and the excitement that fans had heading into the 2010 season is a tribute to his performance at those ticket-selling meetings and Allen's other morale-building exercises (organizing alumni gatherings, etc.).

But the equal and opposite byproduct of Allen having to take on salesman duties comes in the performance of the football team. The defense, as we'll hear all week, is now ranked last in the NFL. Allen didn't bring in any bodies to aid the transition to a 3/4, so each week network commentators giggle at Andre Carter getting juked trying to cover a running back on a pass route.

Clinton Portis, who was reaching Larry Brown status among the fan base for taking so many hard hits—he had three brain-crunching collisions early in last week's loss to Houston—looks like he will take no more forever. Rightly or no, that clip of Portis taking a dive in the open field yesterday will follow him all the way to the waiver wire.

But there's nobody to spell Portis; Allen's big backfield signings—Larry Johnson and Willie Parker—were old and in the way before they got here and are already gone.

On the plus side, the club level looked real full for that Dallas game. Didn't it?

Vote for Me: The only election that really matters in D.C. municipal affairs, the Democratic Party primary, is under way. Mayor Adrian Fenty and D.C. Council Chairman Vincent Gray both scour the District for votes. For a clue as to which candidate feels more confident, check the locations of their evening parties—Fenty will be at his Georgia Avenue headquarters, Gray booked a downtown hotel ballroom. And remember, whoever loses has until Oct. 14 to take down the old signs, or face the wrath of the D.C. Board of Elections and Ethics! +4

Shut Up, Clinton: Wading into a controversy he admitted he knew nothing about, Redskins running back Clinton Portis demonstrates why his earlier decision to stay out of the media this year may have been a good one. The NFL looking into whether New York Jets players harassed TV Azteca reporter Ines Sainz in the locker room recently; on the radio today, Portis made it sound like Sainz was trying to hit on the players. Which amounts to a five-yard penalty for unnecessary dumbness. -3

This is Only a Test: Reagan National Airport officials announce plans for a simulated plane crash into the Potomac River Saturday morning, complete with victims being pulled out of the water into boats. This is good news for anyone who worries their plane might one day crash into the Potomac, and bad news for any survivors, relatives of victims, or witnesses of the 1982 Air Florida crash into the Potomac, who will probably want to spend the day avoiding TV news images. Fortunately, the advance notice should mean no one panics when the "rescue" gets underway—unlike a Coast Guard training exercise last year, which cable news mistook for a real-life attack on President Barack Obama's motorcade. -2

Oprah's Hostage Club: Being held captive by a gunman at your workplace is traumatizing enough. Now the two Discovery Channel employees and one security guard taken hostage by James Lee in Silver Spring two weeks ago will have to suffer anew, as they troop off to the Oprah Winfrey Show for the first interview since the incident. No word on whether they'll all get cars afterwards. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 57 Today's score: -3 Today's Needle rating: 54

Sometime around 8, Tai Shan entered a FedEx container and headed out to Dulles. I hope he took 123 to the Toll Road, rather than stay on 66, which is a killer! He will be flying back to China as part of a deal under which they sell us cheap power tools for the foreseeable future, accompanied by his redneck cousin Mei Lan, who is returning from Zoo Atlanta (sadness). Mei Lan will bore Tai Shan to tears on the way over, talking about how much better Atlanta's weather is than D.C.'s and why Drivin' N Cryin' never got their due.

WE ARE AT WAR: Against the word "retarded." But who will compensate the people of Boston for the loss of a sixth of their vocabulary?

WHAT CITIES HAVE I NOT INSULTED YET? Let's go to Haiti, where members of a Meridian, Idaho, church that believes "Children are to honor and obey their parents" has hit a sporting patch! The church calls the folks "falsely arrested"; I suspect the folks down there are confronting reality for perhaps the first time in a while.

TOYOTA IN FREEFALL! If you bought Ford stock last year (full disclosure: I did!), you're accelerating all the way to the bank! I have a complaint about my '03 Toyota Matrix–the light bulb under the heater controls blew out almost immediately, and every time I've asked about getting it replaced, the dealership has told me it'll cost me way too much to pop off the dashboard. WHY ISN'T THE MEDIA REPORTING THIS?

HEY FOOD FANS: Don't miss Robert Sietsema's CJR piece from yesterday about the history of New York food criticism.

PORTIS SAYS HE'S READY TO PLAY. Should be some fun times in that locker room!

ALSO MAYBE THE NATS WON'T HAVE A WINNING SEASON. But numbers cannot account for the magic of Tony Plush. I think the playoffs are a certainty.

WHAT WILL WE CALL THE STORM ON TWITTER? How about, "Hey, get back to work!"

THAT'S ALL! AVOID VEGETATIVE STATES! EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT AN "ASPIRIN HO" IS IF YOU FIND A SEC! DON'T SEND ANYTHING FEDEX IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SMELL LIKE PANDA SWEAT!

Today Gilbert Arenas could prance through Chinatown wearing nothing but a bandolier and smile, and there would be no one to cover it. For today, every member of the District Sports Media Elite will be at the National Cathedral for the memorial service of George Michael, not the singer.

If you are from D.C. that appositive will not be necessary. But a lot of people move here from other places!

Tony Kornheiser: He will be there. I heard him say it on his radio show. (No radio show from TK today; you'll have to make your own obsessive jokes about Arenas' birthday party.) Joe Gibbs: He will be there too. Maybe he will refrain from any Brit Hume moments, at least this time! Maybe he will try to freeze the pallbearers. These are hard things to know in advance.

Which is why I will go to this service. Maybe while there I will see Dan Steinberg. True story: Last week my son came bounding out of school thrilled because he'd seen a picture of me in the newspaper. He drew from his pocket a carefully folded piece of the Washington Post with Steinberg's woodcut portrait. Baldism: It's never too early to start.

fig. a

fig. b

This has been a great couple of months for D.C. sports news. Shanahan. Agent Zero. The Washington Times massacre. The invention of HDTV. Wise vs. Kornheiser! Campbell vs. Portis! Riggo vs. Snyder! McKenna vs. Cal Ripken's publicist! Washington may have only one team that can win anything, but storylines we got.

But now it's all clear: Bowlen set Snyder up!

Turns out Bowlen was still paying off Shanahan's huge coaching contract. The only way he could get out of writing more big checks to Shanny was to get some other NFL team to hire the guy he'd just fired. Kind of like alimony payments, where you keep paying until somebody marries your ex-wife.

So, as soon as Shanahan signs the deal with Snyder that will be announced later today at Redskins Park, Bowlen's off the hook for a big chunk of his ex's nut.

From the Denver Post:

Bowlen will be relieved of roughly $7 million in expenses today when the Washington Redskins announce Mike Shanahan as their new coach. Shanahan, who was the Broncos' head coach from 1995 until he was fired after the 2008 season, completed a five-year deal Tuesday evening with the Redskins, according to two sources familiar with the negotiations.

Shanahan will receive approximately the same average guaranteed salary — $7 million a season — he had during his final contract with the Broncos. He still had three years remaining on his deal when he was fired nearly a year ago.

The Broncos will still owe Shanahan approximately $3.5 million per year in 2010 and 2011 to essentially have him coach the Redskins. Then again, Bowlen will save roughly $3.5 million each of the next two years now that their former coach is no longer unemployed.

Bottom line: Bowlen hoodwinked Snyder again!

And this deal is a clearer-cut hoodwink than that Portis-for-Bailey-plus-draft-picks hoodwink back in 2004!

Before moving on, let me repeat something from above: Shanahan was fired by Bowlen a year ago for losing a four-game division lead in the last four weeks of the season to the San Diego Chargers, a team coached by Norv Turner, who wasn't good enough to coach Dan Snyder's Redskins.

Got that?

(AFTER THE JUMP: Shanahan and Allen won't keep fans from fleeing FedExField? Sherman Smith says the worst came to pass? The Wall Street Journal doesn't think the Skins are the worst team in the NFL? Ben Olsen won't be leaving United after all? The New York Times runs a sad correction to its George Michael obituary?)

***

From the sound of things, the mere hirings of Mike Shanahan and Bruce Allen ain't going to be enough to retain season ticketholders. The members over at Dan Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com, are polling themselves about who's going to renew their tickets for the 2010 season.

The results are informal, but it should be considered that the extremeskins posters are the most devout followers in the burgundy and gold flock. And as of last night, the respondents saying they ain't coming back outnumbered those that would be buying season tickets again by a huge margin. Most of the naysayers threw in some explanations about why they're dropping out, and listed things like the on-field product, lousy game-day experience, cost, economy, availability of single tickets through StubHub and eBay, and, overwhelmingly, disdain for Dan Snyder.

My favorite post came from the extremeskins member who goes by stew, who told the board that he had dropped off the Redskins seasons ticket rolls in 2008, and couldn't be happier with the decision. From stew:

This was my first year not renewing tickets, not buying merchandise, and not shopping at Redskins sponsors stores. Honestly, its been great! I bought a 50 inch big screen, a PS3, and a new L shaped sectional couch, with the money I would have spent on my season tickets. I have enjoyed the hell out of my TV and PS3 and have received compliments on my couch... some of which came while watching the Skins lose.It just isn't worth it right now. Snyder has his hands too deep in my team for me to let him put his hands deep into my pocket. When his attitude and personality change... and there is proof of this, not just what people say, then I will rethink my stance on spending money on this team. Its liberating knowing I am part of his profit loss, and there has been one. I am part of what is getting Snyders attention. If we drafft a QB, I will know that Snyder still has his hands all over my team and I will not support moves like that with my hard earned money. I still love the redskins, but I will not contribute to Snyders profits while he is destroying a franchise that I have been passionate about since my childhood.The good thing about this mythical waiting list is that the games will never be blacked out... the tickets are sold, no need to black out any games... I can watch them all from my 50 inch big screen silly.

If the timing wasn't off, I would have accused stew of basing his lifestyle on my charticle on how to spend the money you won't be spending on Redskins season tickets!

But, the thread and all its vitriol confirmed one thing: Snyder needs to announce he's building a Jumbotron real, real fast.

***

Long recap of the 2009 season in the Washington Post by all the folks on the Redskins beat. The best part comes late, with a quote from Sherman Smith about how he consoled Jim Zorn at year's end:

"I told him all the reasons why people were telling me not to come here all came true," Smith said prior to the Redskins' final game.

***

Czaban's proof? WTEM-AM.

"If people ask why can't Snyder just hire really good people and let them do what they do, well, that's exactly what he's doing on the radio front," says Czaban, co-host of "The Sports Reporters," the drive-time show and jewel in the schedule of Snyder's WTEM, also called ESPN980.

Czaban's got an ego, and he really is really good at what he does, but the "really good people" he's referring to here is Bruce Gilbert, CEO of Red Zebra Broadcasting and the guy who Snyder put in charge of WTEM last year when he bought what was then the only sports station in the market. Gilbert canned on-air personalities Brian Mitchell and Al Koken, but kept Czaban and his longtime partner, Andy Pollin, in the WTEM stable.

Can we trust Czaban's kind words for Snyder? On paper, Czaban's conflicted out the wazoo. He works for Snyder, and needs the WTEM job more than ever now: the bosses at FoxSports Radio, where Czaban had his own syndicated morning show for the last five years, just gave him his walking papers as a Christmas present. Stephen A. Smith takes over Czaban's old time slot there.

Czaban had been tougher on the Redskins than anybody in the market before Snyder became his boss. One example: Czaban lost a moonlighting gig with the Redskins post-game show on Comcast sports three years ago after a testy interview with Mark Brunell, during which he asked the QB how comfortable he was about his job status. Brunell was visibly peeved, and Redskins management quickly complained to Comcast about Czaban. He was immediately suspended by Comcast, and did not return to the postgame show the following season.

Yet, despite the conflicts, any reduction in the harshness of Czaban's Skins critiques under Snyder's ownership has been too subtle to notice.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Who coined "Clinton Tortoise"? Will NFL go for the Clooney Rule? Hire the OTHER Mike: Forget Shanahan, go for Leach! Will next year's EagleBank Bowl be held in a telephone booth?)

For but one of the hundreds of examples of the fun they've had at the Redskins' expense amid the team's debacle of a season: In October, Czaban and Pollin coined the nickname "Clinton Tortoise" for quickly aging running back Clinton Portis.

Just doing his job, Czaban says. "I don't think I've said anything about the Redskins this year that hasn't been said by other people more directly and more harshly," he says.

And Snyder has let him say it all. Czaban says he hasn't even met Snyder since the ownership change. And the ratings of the Sports Reporters in their target demographic — males 25-54 — have never been higher.

The biggest test of Snyder's laissez faire-ness will come a year from now, when Czaban's and Pollin's contracts with Red Zebra come up for renewal. Will Snyder continue to pay Czaban and let him be Czaban?

Or will Czaban's entertaining honesty earn Stephen A. Smith ANOTHER call?

***

The Rooney Rule, at least as applied in the Redskins latest coach search, has turned into a joke, making liars and traitors out of co-workers.

I say the NFL should take its phony foot-in-the-door program several steps further, to add more giggles. Why not institute, say, the Clooney Rule? In honor of George Clooney, nobody gets hired until a team interviews a cheerleader. And the Looney Rule, where at least one certifiable wacko gets a shot (Greg Blache could fill that quota with the Skins). Or maybe the Soon-Yi Rule, in which at least one daughter and/or wife of Woody Allen is considered before anybody's signed?

It's just a joke! Right?

Butt seriously: If, after all the charades, Mike Shanahan is indeed at the end of the Redskins rainbow, nobody's going to be excited by the hire. He won't sell one club seat.

But there is an exciting coach who should be available soon. In fact, as I type this, Texas Tech's Mike Leach, the most exciting football coach in the land might already be up for grabs. Forget the West Coast Offense; he's got the West Texas Offense! Leach is Steve Spurrier, with discipline!

If the papers got things right, Leach is Buford Pusser in a pair of sweat pants. He's going to lose his job at Texas Tech because he locked a player with a concussion in a dark room for an entire practice. Imagine what he'd do to Albert Haynesworth! When Haynesworth comes out of the game on a cart, would Leach allow him to put himself back in the game a few plays later? Hell no! Leach would leave him strapped to the cart all game long! That's just what these Redskins need!

Actually, I'm with Leach in this debacle. The player who Leach allegedly wasn't nice to is the son of Craig James, a lead ESPN football analyst. Leach was suspended yesterday not for having made the kid stand in a dark room, but for refusing to apologize to the player's dad! Craig James got the media's ear early on, but the worm is starting to turn. Leach has asserted that Craig James was constantly phoning him and complaining and acting "like a Little League father." Even if Leach is exonerated, he's a goner with the Red Raiders. Texas Tech's my alma mater, and damn if that place ever misses a chance to screw things up. Lubbock just ain't big enough for Leach.

(Texas Tech is the school that brought in Bobby Knight, the godfather of player abuse, after he was fired for assaulting a kid and lying about it.)

***

Kendall Marshall, an O'Connell guard who was starting for his high school varsity team when he was in sixth grade (somehow, that was seven years ago), is not as highly prized as he once was by the ranking services. But his future coach, North Carolina's Roy Williams, says Marshall's going to be just fine.

***

The Examiner ran a rosy preview of the EagleBank Bowl yesterday.

The second EagleBank Bowl takes on greater prominence than the inaugural 2008 game — a matchup of Wake Forest and Navy that was buried in the bowl mix with an 11 a.m. Dec. 20 start.

That game drew fewer than 29,000 fans, far short of the average bowl attendance of 55,183. Many, including the Navy squad, came from a short distance. Only 22 sponsors signed on.

But this year's game has a forecast for partly sunny skies and a more fan-friendly 4:30 p.m. kickoff, and bowl organizers hope to seat 40,000 for the nationally televised battle. There are more than 60 sponsors and an intriguing first-ever matchup between UCLA and Temple, a marquee program from the Pacific-10 Conference versus a team from the Mid-American Conference that hasn't been to a bowl game in 30 years.

"This is a dead time of year in D.C.," said Steve Beck, EagleBank Bowl executive director. "It's creating a lot of activity."

The Washington Post, also yesterday, said that organizers "were hoping for an attendance of around 25,000."

The Post came closest. In today's Washington Times, in the middle of Dick Heller's gloomy and doomy review of the contest, he put the crowd at 23,000 and change. Even that number might be inflated. The stadium looked much emptier than that in photos.

And, as pointed out by SB Nation, the attendance slot on the official EagleBank Bowl box score was filled with "NA."

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

Above is an ad e-mailed out by the Redskins ticket office this week. As you read this, remember, for chuckles, that just a couple months ago Redskins executive Mitch Gershman was claiming in press releases that the team had a waiting list of "over 200,000."

Sure, the Skins waiting list has long been bogus. But this year it's also become apparent that the NFL's blackout rule is enforced as stringently as its steroids policy.

(AFTER THE BREAK: Where's Chris Cooley in that photo? Clinton Tortoise? Lord Farquaad? Lindsay Czarniak cheers on teams that don't pay her? Is the NY Times reporter on Dan Snyder's payroll, too? Another Have-Nots bowl this week?)

FedExField this Sunday would be a good place and time to test my theory that Dan Snyder has mucked up the Redskins every bit as much as he mucked up Six Flags.

Tickets to Skins games have been overpriced, based on demand, since FedExField opened. I've never been to a game there when tickets couldn't be had for far less than face value. I used to half-joke, based on experience, that if you simply held a $20 bill in the air in the stadium parking lot on game day you'd get mauled by folks trying to unload spare tickets.

But, the bottom is about to fall out of the Skins ticket market, and that could happen this weekend with KC in town: Craigslist had 908 separate ads hawking Skins/Chiefs tickets posted when I checked late last night.

So: Six Flags stock, which sold for $11.92 shortly after Snyder took over the theme park chain in 2005, now goes for 17.2 cents.

I wonder if Skins tickets will be worth any more than that this weekend.

Anybody willing to sell Redskins tickets for 17.2 cents, please e-mail cheapseats@washcp.com.

***

Interesting thing about that photo the Redskins marketing department is using to move excess tickets this week: Two tight ends are up front, Todd Yoder and Fred Davis. But no Chris Cooley. Sort of like the box score to last weekend's game in Carolina.

Seriously, after spending the summer yelling "Look at me! Look at me!" and hoping to become the face of the franchise through any number of off-field stunts, Cooley's disappeared. Cooley had no catches on Sunday, and only showed up in the highlights because he had mimicked Santana Moss's silly first-down routine after a play.

Cooley's used up most of his attention-getting tricks by now, too. The guy's going to have to burn two cows or show two penises to get noticed.

Or, you know, catch some passes.

***

The Skins' lousy season has produced some giggle-friendly new nicknames. Among them:

"Clinton Tortoise," attributed to WTEM hosts Andy Pollin and Steve Czaban; "Albert Buttersworth," all over sports radio; and, the clubhouse leader by several strokes, "Lord Farquaad," for Dan Snyder, which I first saw two weeks ago on Snyder's own message board, ExtremeSkins.com, and has since caught fire.

Damn, that's funny.

***

The New York Times has been writing a lot about the Redskins these days. The Times' coverage of the Dan Snyder administration is very different from the Washington Post coverage.

While the Post and Snyder go at it behind the scenes and in print, the Times' Skins stories, all from reporter Judy Battista, have sometimes been fawning.

Sometimes, they're just plain fictional. (Double-dare you to match the headline with anything in the story!) Battista referenced that latter story, which insinuated for no apparent reason and with no evidence to support the insinuation that ex-Skins GM Charley Casserly was impressed by Dan Snyder's coolness this season, in one of her pieces this week, saying "Snyder was still feeling patient" a little more than two weeks ago."

Says who?

What is it with Times reporters named Judy getting snowed when they cover D.C. matters?

***

Lindsay Czarniak led off her sports report on WRC-TV's 11 o'clock newscast last night with an incredibly enthusiastic segment on the Wizards three-point win over Detroit, pumping up Gilbert Arenas' stats and Flip Saunders revenge. I'd never seen such fervor for a preseason NBA game.

The excitement was catchy, and seemed totally genuine: Czarniak works for Dan Snyder, but not Abe Pollin, and so she wasn't wearing any Wizards' gear as she gushed.

If you follow sports in Washington, I guess preseason is the best time to get excited, before hopes and dreams get crushed.

***

Update on the Road to 11 Losses: We now know there will be no 0-11 season in local high school football.

Anacostia's chance at having the losingest year in D.C. high school football history got waylaid last Friday, as the Indians beat Eastern 36-0 in a matchup of really down programs.

Anacostia, which went into the game 0-6, has scheduled 11 games this year, one more than the standard 10-game season, and far as I can tell, no D.C. school has ever had an 0-11 record. But Anacostia just couldn't find a way to lose to Eastern, which didn't have a football team at all last year because of a lack of players, and so far is 0-4 in the 2009 season.

Eastern, which only has 8 games listed on its schedule, now has its biggest game of the year this Friday when it hosts Spingarn in the latest Have-Nots Bowl: Together, Eastern and Spingarn have been outscored 397-19 and have an 0-9 record.

Somebody's gotta win!

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

Robert Henson is in a bad place right now. The Skins sub-benchwarmer used Twitter to go after home fans for booing at the game, and cast the disgruntled masses in the stands as "dim wits" and folks who "work 9 to 5 at mcdonalds."

Henson, who wasn't even on the active roster for the game, went from unknown to reviled in a matter of keystrokes.

When I first heard of Henson's comments during the postgame shows – WJFK gave a running account of the naive blasts –  I was sure somebody hijacked his twitter account. Unfortunately for him, it looks like nobody did. Henson's twittering later claimed he went after the fans only because he had things thrown at him.

Nobody's buying it.

From the sound of things, this could be a deal breaker between the rookie and the fans, at least those that really are dim wits or really do work 9 to 5 at mcdonalds.

In any case, Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell should buy Henson a meal before he leaves town. Henson is going to take a whole lot of heat that woulda gone their way today.

Some writers also expressed befuddlement over the crowd's behavior. Like Henson, writers don't pay to get into the games.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Snyder's the root of all booing? Jim Zorn: Read My Lips? Sonny Jurgensen vs. Jim Zorn, Round II? Juwan Howard is still in the NBA? How much would you pay for Juwan Howard's pants? The Nats are on the entrance ramp for the Road to 100 Losses?)

***

The discord in the grandstands trickled down all over the place. Some posters on the Dan Snyder-owned message board, extremeskins.com, and callers to the postgame show on the non-Dan Snyder owned WJFK, explained that the noise was at its core about dissatisfaction with management.

I agree, especially after hearing one angry lady call WJFK to rail against Snyder, telling host Chad Dukes about showing up at FedExField with her family and having her son's water bottle confiscated at the gate.

"We paid $500 for the tickets!" she huffed at the beginning of a long tirade.

It is amazing that so many people still pay that sort of money to be treated as Snyder treats them. And we haven't even talked about how the new parking rules worked out, Lexus lanes and all...

***

After the Rams game, I will no longer wonder why coaches hold pieces of paper in front of their faces while calling plays. When the Redskins had second and goal in the third quarter, the Fox-TV cameras showed Zorn on the sidelines and I clearly read his lips: "20 draw," he said, then a couple more sentences with "draw" in 'em.

The Skins then ran a draw play that everybody else sniffed out, too. It went nowhere.

I was typing when Fox went right back to the same shot of Zorn on the sidelines, so I couldn't read his lips while he was making the call that will come up in his exit meeting with Dan Snyder: an option pass from Portis on third and goal. Boooooooooo!

If I ran a team, I might hire a smart kid from Gallaudet and give him a pair of binoculars on game day and see what happens. Bill Belichick's probably already done it.

***

For the second week in a row, the postgame interview between Sonny Jurgensen and Jim Zorn was way more entertaining, and had harder hitting, than the game.

Sonny started off telling Zorn if he were quarterback he'd have called a timeout rather than run that option pass to Portis, because coaches only call that play in that situation if  they have no faith in their quarterback.

"Then I take you out of the game," Zorn snipped to the Skins legend.

If I had to bet, I'd say, as the great Keith Jackson used to say during every big game he broadcast, "These two just plain don't like each other."

Sonny also got into Chris Cooley's craw on the air about the offense's non-production. Smart money says this has gotta be Sonny's last year in the booth, and he's going out on fire.

***

Juwan Howard lives to cash another paycheck: The former Bullet has just signed a one-year deal with the Portland Trail Blazers.

Howard was the oddest case of the many underachievers who took Abe Pollin's money in the 1990s. He was beloved when he came here from Michigan, before a holdout and some DUI arrests and getting in trouble hanging out with Chris Webber.

Portland is his seventh team. Blazers General Manager Kevin Pritchard said Howard brings in said the forward will bring a "wealth of experience." A wealth of wealth, too: The guy's gonna put in 16 years in the NBA! Around here, Howard is regarded as a bust, but, again: 16 years!

I passed up a chance to buy a pair of Juwan Howard's Bullets used warmup pants for $12 at some charity auction years and years ago because they wouldn't fit. They still wouldn't fit, but I'd pay $12 for 'em today.

***
The Nationals are cruising on the Road to 100 Losses: The Mets take another at federally funded Citi Field, leaving our boys just 2 defeats away from triple-digits.

The latest loss brought a milestone: It guaranteed the Nats last place in the Eastern Division...again. We'll have to wait a week or so before the team also locks up National League and Major League worst honors.

***

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Snyder now adds a parking surcharge to the cost of every ticket sold at non-football events at FedExField. All other venues around town put parking charges, if there are any, in the advertised price of the ticket.

Snyder doesn't. He throws it at the consumer at the point of purchase, as a line item on the invoice that can't be turned down by the buyer. For Paul McCartney, where around 60,000 folks attended and there was a $10 per ticket parking charge, whether they intended to use FedEx parking services or not, that added an additional $600,000 to Snyder's bank account.

For U2's upcoming show at FedEx, the forced charge is $8 per ticket; if that show sells out, the add-on charge will mean more than $700,000 sneaky dollars for Snyder. And this is with zero overhead, unless you count the cost to his reputation, which really can't be harmed around here at this point.

Snyder's the king of parking schemes, as outlined in the story, and a godfather of the sneaky surcharge: He's the guy, remember, who after buying the Redskins took a ticket price that had historically included state and local taxes, and then added a new charge equal to the state and local taxes onto the old ticket price, but left the old price as the face value of Skins tickets — just so he could act like he wasn't really raising the price of tickets!

So where's the outrage?

***

Betting Football season begins tonight!

(AFTER THE JUMP: Cheap Seats Daily gives you tonight's winner? "Biggest Loser" back in play? Which pregame show are you going to listen to? What's the meanest sport? Is there a Curse of Tom Boswell?)

Albert Haynesworth and Clinton Portis won't play for the Skins. What's left of Mike "Biggest Loser" Williams, who's down more than 100 pounds from his weight of a year ago, will suit up.

On paper it looks like the Ravens defense has more scoring potential than the Skins offense. Other than maybe to root for Williams, the game's not worth watching.

Unless you bet on it! So let's bet!

Skins are 3-point underdogs to Baltimore. The Over/Under is 31 1/2.

Put this month's mortgage and then some on the Ravens and next month's on the under.*

***

New sportstalker WJFK is having its own pregame broadcast for the preseason opener. To jab the owner of competing sportstalker WTEM, the flagship of the Redskins broadcasting network, 'JFK is calling its program "the Unauthorized Pregame Show."

'TEM's owner is, of course, Dan Snyder.

***

There's a professional lacrosse team that calls DC home: The Washington Bayhawks of Major League Lacrosse. The 'Hawks finished fifth in the six-team league in the just-completed 2009 season, which wasnt good enough to make the postseason tournament.

But, this area remains the lacrosse epicenter, so the MLL has put all playoff games in our market. The semis and championship match will be played next weekend, August 22-23, at Navy Marine Corps Stadium in Annapolis.

Back to me: When I was a kid in the mid-1970s I used to go to the Capital Centre to watch the Maryland Arrows of the National Lacrosse League, the first DC pro lacrosse franchise.

These were the most violent sporting events I ever attended. The team's mascot was a cartoon thug name Crunch Crosscheck and its slogan was "You gotta be mean to play box lacrosse!" Its radio commercials featured a faux endorsement from Attila the Hun. (The Arrows marketing team included a young AU graduate named Andy Dolich, now the chief operating officer of the San Francisco 49ers.)

The games lived down billing, too. You were pretty much guaranteed a bench-clearing brawl every night, and the situation in the grandstands was even bloodier. A gang of older guys from my neighborhood went to every game dressed up in the same outfits, topped by yellow and black CAT hats, from heavy equipment maker Caterpillar. They called themselves the CAT Patrol and they'd fight any willing partner at Arrows games. They never had trouble finding willing partners, and one guy even jumped the glass to throw punches with players from the Philadelphia Wings.

The league only lasted two seasons. The memories endure...

***

Could the Nats sudden downfall be blamed on The Boswell Curse?

The Nats turnaround began on July 21, sparked, we think, by Cheap Seats Daily's proclamation of Guaranteed Win Night and declaring "Thunderation" as the team's unofficial official fight song.

But, maybe it's all about Boswell.

You can look it up: Boswell went on vacation or otherwise stopped writing after a column that ran July 20.

The Nats Great Turnaround of 2009 began the next day.

Boswell's vacation ended or he otherwise started writing on August 10, when he typed up a column with the line "The Nats aren't just winning. They're clubbing people." That night the Nats get shellacked in Atlanta. And superstar in waiting Jordan Zimmermann announced he'd be getting Tommy John surgery and would be out for A YEAR AND HALF.

Last night, Day 2 of Boswell back on the job: Another shellacking in Atlanta. Nyjer Morgan gets picked off to end the game, even with his team down by four and the meat of the lineup behind him.

How pre-Turnaround is THAT?

Go back on vacation, Boz. Or write that the Nats will lose 14 of their next 20! And insist that the Lerners won't pony up for Stephen Strasburg.

Yeah, especially the Strasburg column! Please!

Good thing it's football season!

***

*Don't really bet the mortgages, dumbass....Unless you really really need the money!

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

Nearly all the ads, as far as I can tell, are for sales of pairs or groups of tickets to this Sunday's Skins/Eagles game.

Steve Czaban, the voice of the fan on Dan Snyder's sports station, WTEM, called on fans to kickstart a "Give Your Tickets to an Eagles Fan" movement for the game to protest the ineptitude of Redskins management.

The Skins have no realistic shot at the postseason after the loss to Cincinnati.

As if the meaninglessness of the game for the Redskins, Snyder's beer and parking costs, and advances in TV technology didn't provide enough incentive to follow Czaban's lead and stay home, weather.com predicts rain and a high of 40 degrees on game day.

The only reason to show up would be to see if or how many fans boo Clinton Portis, Santana Moss, Jason Campbell and Jim Zorn.

Come to think of it, that might be enough to get me out there.

On Saturday, Maret's basketball boys were leading Sidwell Friends on the road when the home crowd taunted the visitors with a chant ripped from the headlines:

"The Sidwell kids started yelling 'O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!' at us," a Maret parent who attended the game tells me.

The First Family Elect's first major post-election decision, of course, dealt with where to send daughters Malia and Sasha to school. Most reports had Maret and Sidwell as the finalists in the Obama sweepstakes.

After tours of both, Sidwell landed the kids for next year. So while Malia and Sasha aren't even enrolled there yet, they're already cheerleaders. And what the Sidwell fans were telling Maret with their "O-ba-ma!" chant was: "Even if you whup us at hoops, we still beat you in a bigger game!"

The Maret parent says Maret's administrators looked confused, and Sidwell's bemused, as "O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!" rained down from the grandstand.

Just words? Hardly.

"On the Maret side, that was insulting and incendiary," says the Maret parent, who requested anonymity. "How crass!"

Maret's side eventually responded by yelling "Oatmeal sucks!" — a play on Sidwell's nickname, the Quakers.

To add insult to insult: Perhaps inspired by the clever nastiness of the home fans, Sidwell came back and beat Maret by a point, 47-46.

A call to Sidwell's athletic director to get a comment on the fans' alleged un-Friendly chant hasn't yet been returned. But we'll follow this story and do everything journalistically possible to build the Sidwell/Maret rivalry into something that can last two terms.

The big news for now: There's a Sidwell/Maret rematch tomorrow night at Maret.

Come game time, the Maret kids will have had almost a week to come up with something better, or at least something bitterer, than "Oatmeal Sucks!"

The whole world is watching!