During the Redskins/Colts matchup, we got to see Indy ball carrier Joseph Addai have the life sucked out of him in slo-motion early in the fourth quarter. Skins players held him up and LB London Fletcher delivered a professional kill shot. Addai's head snapped like a crash dummy. His senses and the ball left him before his knee hit the turf. Oswald taking a bullet in front of the cameras made for only slightly more savage television. Addai was helped off the field. He was also removed from a preseason game in August after getting concussed. And he had already reported neck injuries leading up to the Redskins game.

Chris Cooley, the Skins top receiver last night while he was in the lineup, was also sidelined moments earlier with a concussion. The Post recently reported that Cooley admitted to at least three concussions as a college player.

The Skins' Rocky McIntosh sat out last night's game with a similar headwound. Clinton Portis is officially out because of a groin injury, but he's taken a gaggle of devastating head shots this season, and was wobbled for all to see on the field a couple weeks ago.

The headwounds weren't just in Washington this weekend. In Philadelphia, where Vick now plays, the Eagles' DeSean Jackson and the Falcons' Dunta Robinson both suffered brain injuries on the same play. And Steelers linebacker James Harrison inflicted game-ending cranial damage on two Browns yesterday, Dunbar's own Josh Cribbs and Mohammed Massaquoi.

(Seeing all these hits again and again convinced me the highest paid man on the Redskins, Albert Haynesworth, who was spotted in a booth up above the field during the game taking photos of himself and his lady friend, is also the smartest.)

And the owners want to add two more weeks of this? Perhaps if the NFL extends the season, the league will also institute a standing eight count. Or have the players wear spiked collars!

Oh, well. I'd keep watching, with envy.

The piece takes a photo of a poster taken by FedExField security guards before the Eagles/Skins game that says "Hi to my huband in Afghanistan," and runs with it. The Great Dan Steinberg made that poster famous after fishing it out of the trash near the stadium entrance.

To be fair, Snyder has shown support for our National Defense. Well, he put out a Commemorative Sept. 11 Redskins hat that had a red-white-and-blue Pentagon stitched on to the side in 2005.

And he sold that hat for only $23.99. Plus shipping. And he kept the money. But still. Bottom line: When Military.com lowers the boom on you, something's gotta give.

And everybody's favorite magazine geared toward an audience of corporate counsel people, Corporate Counsel magazine, also jumps in this week with "Not Exactly a Banner Season for the Washington Redskins."

The publication interviews new Redskins COO and total BS'er David Donovan about the new policies at FedExField prohibiting signs and banning interviews in the parking lot, and he was also asked about fans at the Eagles game having to remove their t-shirts if the message on the garments was anti-Snyder.

"We're not trying to limit what anyone wants to say or chant or wear," Donovan told Corporate Counsel.

Wow. Thus continues Donovan's awe-inspiring streak of just saying stuff so dishonest that not even he could believe it.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Not even Corporate Counsel magazine can stomach David Donovan's whoppers? David Donovan and Dan Snyder, adrenaline rush buddies? How does a Redskins win compare to a class action lawsuit? Skins are only the third-worst team in the NFL? Bono had a hand in Cooley's wounding? D.C. United coach bails?)

Though you'd think a trade publication would be a kind audience, the tone of the Corporate Counsel piece clearly shows the writer had little trust in what Donovan was spewing about the rules changes,  as the story contains clauses like "Donovan can't account for the discrepancy," and "Donovan remains vague."

"Donovan remains full of crap" is the gist of the piece, basically.

Bottom line: When Corporate Counsel magazine lowers the boom on you, something's gotta give.

***

The Web site of DC law firm Wilmer Hale has a big write up of David Donovan's path to the Redskins.

The highlight for me was an anecdote about Donovan's first game as Redskins general counsel. That came in the comeback game in Dallas in 2005 that featured two Mark Brunell/Santana Moss bombs,  and gave the team easily its biggest win in the Dan Snyder era.

Donovan was in the visiting owners box with Dan Snyder. When the Skins came back, the story goes, "the two men enjoyed the rush of adrenaline," and Snyder "grabbed Donovan by his jacket" and yelled “This beats asbestos lawsuits, doesn’t it?”

***

Everybody agrees this year's Redskins are bottom feeders. The Sagarin poll now puts the Skins as the 30th best team in the NFL. The only squads ranked lower are Tampa Bay and St. Louis, the only teams Washington has beaten this season. The two teams just above the Skins in the poll are Detroit (29) and Kansas City (28), each of whom beat Washington for their only victories.

The Redskins schedule thus far, says Sagarin, ranks as the easiest in the league.

***

Redskins fans have thrown out an interesting theory about the injury: Bono broke Chris Cooley's leg! Had Dan Snyder not thrown a midseason concert at FedExField, the theory goes, the field would have been in finer shape and Cooley's foot wouldn't have hit whatever caused it to roll over.

The turf at FedEx during the Eagles game sure did look faded and sandy, nearly a month after the U2 concert there drew 80,000 or so. (Watch the sand fly off everybody's feet here during DeShawn Jackson's long run for a TD.)

As for motive: I was at a U2 show in 1987 at the Redskins former home, RFK Stadium, where Bono separated his shoulder during a fall. Hmmm.

***

DC United Coach Tom Soehn won't be coming back. United just put out a press release saying it was all Soehn's decision to leave the team when his contract runs out after this season.

The release:

Tom Soehn removes name from consideration for Head Coach of D.C. United

Process for finding United’s next head coach will begin immediately

Washington, D.C. (November 3, 2009) – D.C. United announced today Head Coach Tom Soehn has removed his name from consideration for United’s head coaching position ahead of his contract expiring at the end of the calendar year.  Soehn served the Black-and-Red as an assistant from 2004-2006, before leading the club to two major trophies, a Supporters’ Shield in 2007 and a U.S. Open Cup in 2008, in three seasons as head coach.   The process for finding United’s next head coach will begin immediately.

“Tommy has done an outstanding job at D.C. United, first as an assistant and then as our head coach,” said United President and CEO Kevin Payne.  “Over the past three seasons, Tommy has faced greater challenges than any other Major League Soccer coach.  His record in all competitions this season was outstanding and he should not be judged on the basis of missing the MLS Cup Playoffs.  Tommy is a fine young coach and I know we will face him in the future in MLS play.  I wish him all of the luck in the world.”

Soehn was named Head Coach of D.C. United on December 21, 2006.  The Black-and-Red won the 2007 Supporters’ Shield and the 2008 U.S. Open Cup under his guidance.  In all competitions, Soehn posted a career mark of 55-48-31.  United was 36-30-24 in League play in his three seasons at the helm.

“My family and I have spent a lot of time in reaching this very difficult decision,” said Soehn.  “I've been fortunate to spend the last six seasons with this organization.  I'd like to thank the staff and fans for their support throughout my tenure.  In particular, I'd like to thank Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, Chad Ashton, Mark Simpson, Francisco Tobar, Brian Goodstein, David Brauzer and the entire technical staff.  When you're in this business, the experiences you face together forge special bonds and friendships that will always remain.  My appreciation also extends to the players.  We accomplished a lot together since I arrived in 2004 and I thank them for their dedication and wish them the best in the seasons ahead.”

Soehn joined Peter Nowak’s coaching staff prior to the 2004 campaign.  In three seasons as an assistant coach, United won two major titles, the 2004 MLS Cup and the 2006 Supporters’ Shield.

“I want to thank Tommy for his six years of great service at D.C. United,” said United General Manager Dave Kasper.  “He is a terrific friend and colleague, and he played a major role in the club winning four trophies during his time here.  He is a bright young coach who has a big career ahead of him.  I wish him continued success with his next coaching position and his family the best of luck always.”

***

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The Redskins stink. Like, really stink. Jason Campbell  stinks. Dan Snyder stinks. Oh my, does Dan Snyder stink.

Chris Cooley doesn't stink. But his different sort of attention-deficit disorder, which has in the past led him to show the world his naughty bits and film himself burning cows, is maddening.

Last night his look-at-me!-look-at-me!-ADD caused Cooley to blonde his hair and leave his helmet off while the TV cameras rolled.

Then Cooley's ankle rolled and he's likely gone for 2009. Cooley had been quieter for a couple weeks, seemingly aware that it ain't cool to be cute when his team was a national punchline. But then this. So the last image of Cooley this season will be him being carted off the field with his head glowing from all that bleach, looking sad and ridiculous all at once.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Dan Snyder's jack-booted thugs were out AGAIN? It's harder to get into a Skins game than an El Al jet? ESPN protects Dan Snyder? Snyder's lonely? ESPN rejects Campbell? PG County lets the Redskins walk for BeerInTheBathroomsGate™? Two free toppings? Have I died and gone to PapaJohn's?)

Dan Snyder's attempt to kill the message was in full force. I didn't go to the game, so everything's anecdotal, but there's so much.

Tales of scuffles with security over signs and t-shirts blasting the owner abound. The only first-person account I got was from a friend who called me from FedExField just after being searched at the gate like he was boarding an El Al flight.

He asked the frisker, "Are you looking for anti-Snyder paraphernalia?"

"As a matter of fact, I am," the guard told him.

***

ESPN seemed to be protecting Dan Snyder throughout the telecast. The commentators, particularly Ron Jaworksi, wanted to blame all the team's ills on Jason Campbell.

The one shot I saw on TV of Snyder in the owner's box, he was standing at the back, not in his normal seat up front. He looked frightened and smaller than I'd ever seen him, and even more lost than duty-free Jim Zorn down on the sidelines. Snyder's box looked pretty empty in that shot.

Someday, people will feel sorry for him.

Someday.

***

Though it now belongs to the world, I can't let go of BeerInTheBathroomsGate™.

Yesterday I spoke with Norma Lindsay, the chief liquor inspector for Prince George's County, about the photo and video evidence that Dan Snyder's beer vendors had been setting up shop in the men's rooms at FedExField for at least a year.

Lindsay said she hadn't heard of the bathroom sales until last week, after Cheap Seats Daily linked a youtube video that had been, you know, leaked by a disgusted fan. (If you haven't watched yet, it's a must-see film with all sorts of fab moments, from the surprised tones of a urinator catching on to what's going on — "Beer in the bathroom!" he says — to the requests for pot.)

But once the story broke, her office was flooded with calls from sickened citizens.

“Our phones were ringing off the hook last week,” Lindsay says. "Everybody — us, the [P.G. County] health department, everybody — got involved. That sort of conduct is absolutely against code, because it's a health issue. There's every sort of health inspector in the world at that stadium for Redskins games, but nobody had ever heard of that or witnessed it before. I can't even imagine who would would want to buy a beer in the bathroom. That was frightening.”

Lindsay says her agency didn't level any sanctions against the Redskins for the bathroom beer sales, and adds that the team cooperated with the county officials who inquired. "They assured us they had fired the man in the video," she says.

From now on, she says, PG's health and liquor inspectors will add public restrooms to their rounds of spots to check out when looking for bad liquor distribution.

“Nobody ever thought of looking in the men's room for beer sales," Lindsay says.

Cheap Seats Daily, flushing out the bad guys, one at a time...

More to come...

***

Let's end with a shred of good news: Today, for the first time following a home game all season, you can get free pepperoni AND free extra cheese on your Redskins special PapaJohn's Pizza.

To paraphrase Warren Zevon: Enjoy every slice.

***

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Above is an ad e-mailed out by the Redskins ticket office this week. As you read this, remember, for chuckles, that just a couple months ago Redskins executive Mitch Gershman was claiming in press releases that the team had a waiting list of "over 200,000."

Sure, the Skins waiting list has long been bogus. But this year it's also become apparent that the NFL's blackout rule is enforced as stringently as its steroids policy.

(AFTER THE BREAK: Where's Chris Cooley in that photo? Clinton Tortoise? Lord Farquaad? Lindsay Czarniak cheers on teams that don't pay her? Is the NY Times reporter on Dan Snyder's payroll, too? Another Have-Nots bowl this week?)

FedExField this Sunday would be a good place and time to test my theory that Dan Snyder has mucked up the Redskins every bit as much as he mucked up Six Flags.

Tickets to Skins games have been overpriced, based on demand, since FedExField opened. I've never been to a game there when tickets couldn't be had for far less than face value. I used to half-joke, based on experience, that if you simply held a $20 bill in the air in the stadium parking lot on game day you'd get mauled by folks trying to unload spare tickets.

But, the bottom is about to fall out of the Skins ticket market, and that could happen this weekend with KC in town: Craigslist had 908 separate ads hawking Skins/Chiefs tickets posted when I checked late last night.

So: Six Flags stock, which sold for $11.92 shortly after Snyder took over the theme park chain in 2005, now goes for 17.2 cents.

I wonder if Skins tickets will be worth any more than that this weekend.

Anybody willing to sell Redskins tickets for 17.2 cents, please e-mail cheapseats@washcp.com.

***

Interesting thing about that photo the Redskins marketing department is using to move excess tickets this week: Two tight ends are up front, Todd Yoder and Fred Davis. But no Chris Cooley. Sort of like the box score to last weekend's game in Carolina.

Seriously, after spending the summer yelling "Look at me! Look at me!" and hoping to become the face of the franchise through any number of off-field stunts, Cooley's disappeared. Cooley had no catches on Sunday, and only showed up in the highlights because he had mimicked Santana Moss's silly first-down routine after a play.

Cooley's used up most of his attention-getting tricks by now, too. The guy's going to have to burn two cows or show two penises to get noticed.

Or, you know, catch some passes.

***

The Skins' lousy season has produced some giggle-friendly new nicknames. Among them:

"Clinton Tortoise," attributed to WTEM hosts Andy Pollin and Steve Czaban; "Albert Buttersworth," all over sports radio; and, the clubhouse leader by several strokes, "Lord Farquaad," for Dan Snyder, which I first saw two weeks ago on Snyder's own message board, ExtremeSkins.com, and has since caught fire.

Damn, that's funny.

***

The New York Times has been writing a lot about the Redskins these days. The Times' coverage of the Dan Snyder administration is very different from the Washington Post coverage.

While the Post and Snyder go at it behind the scenes and in print, the Times' Skins stories, all from reporter Judy Battista, have sometimes been fawning.

Sometimes, they're just plain fictional. (Double-dare you to match the headline with anything in the story!) Battista referenced that latter story, which insinuated for no apparent reason and with no evidence to support the insinuation that ex-Skins GM Charley Casserly was impressed by Dan Snyder's coolness this season, in one of her pieces this week, saying "Snyder was still feeling patient" a little more than two weeks ago."

Says who?

What is it with Times reporters named Judy getting snowed when they cover D.C. matters?

***

Lindsay Czarniak led off her sports report on WRC-TV's 11 o'clock newscast last night with an incredibly enthusiastic segment on the Wizards three-point win over Detroit, pumping up Gilbert Arenas' stats and Flip Saunders revenge. I'd never seen such fervor for a preseason NBA game.

The excitement was catchy, and seemed totally genuine: Czarniak works for Dan Snyder, but not Abe Pollin, and so she wasn't wearing any Wizards' gear as she gushed.

If you follow sports in Washington, I guess preseason is the best time to get excited, before hopes and dreams get crushed.

***

Update on the Road to 11 Losses: We now know there will be no 0-11 season in local high school football.

Anacostia's chance at having the losingest year in D.C. high school football history got waylaid last Friday, as the Indians beat Eastern 36-0 in a matchup of really down programs.

Anacostia, which went into the game 0-6, has scheduled 11 games this year, one more than the standard 10-game season, and far as I can tell, no D.C. school has ever had an 0-11 record. But Anacostia just couldn't find a way to lose to Eastern, which didn't have a football team at all last year because of a lack of players, and so far is 0-4 in the 2009 season.

Eastern, which only has 8 games listed on its schedule, now has its biggest game of the year this Friday when it hosts Spingarn in the latest Have-Nots Bowl: Together, Eastern and Spingarn have been outscored 397-19 and have an 0-9 record.

Somebody's gotta win!

***

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"Our media have been our harshest critics," whined Mike Sellers during his media session yesterday.

He's the fullback who dropped what would have been a touchdown pass from Jason Campbell in Sunday's game with the Rams.

Sellers' comments, which were aired repeatedly on WTEM-AM, Snyder's sportstalk station, and rival WJFK-FM, also included a rant about how one of his Redskins coaches told the players that reporters in other towns where he'd coached were much better cheerleaders than DC's.

"Instead of boosting you," Sellers said of local scribes, "they kind of tear you down."

If you make a touchdown catch, Mike, I bet even some folks around here will write that you made a touchdown catch.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Now Cooley's whining, too? Portis admits a day at FedExField is money well wasted? Should Olie Kolzig have waited until NHL training camps opened before retiring? What? NHL training camps are open? Have you spent your Guaranteed Win Night winnings yet? Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman, the sluggingest sluggers in DC baseball history? So it's the pitching?)

All the Redskins are victims these days. We all know by now that even inactive linebackers are so hurt by the lack of unconditional love that they feel they've got license to Twitter that fans are "dim wits" and slam folks who don't make as much money as NFL players.

Then Skins management makes things worse by putting out a press release accusing the Washington Post of putting a negative slant on stories about the inactive linebacker who Twitters that fans are "dim wits" and slams folks who don't make as much money as NFL players.

Even self-styled wild and crazy guy Chris Cooley showed his thin-skinnedness on his blog yesterday: "There is a reason that fans are fans," wrote Cooley. "My job is to play tight end and yours is to cheer loud. To be the best 'we' all gotta play our roles."

Geez. Even Cooley?

That's really sad.

***

Clinton Portis was zigging as teammates and management zagged.

While explaining what might have led fans at FedExField to make unhappy noises, Portis, who might say anything on any given day, gave the greatest quote of the 2009 season, at least up through Week 2: "You're spending $700 a week to come out and see some entertainment," he said, "and you get there and there's really not a lot of entertainment."

I think somebody read Portis "The Emperor's New Clothes" during his formative years.

***

Olie Kolzig has retired. It's not big news here or anywhere, which is sorta sad.

Here's how far back Kolzig goes with the Caps: Kolzig played a couple games with the big-league club in the 1989-1990 season.

That's the Caps team that made it all the way to the conference finals, before losing to the Boston Bruins, and might have had the most talented roster in franchise history.

But the squad was quickly blown up because of a city-rocking sex scandal that grew out of the season-ending party to celebrate the successes. An underage guest claimed to have been gang-raped by Caps stars in a limo outside Champions, the Georgetown bar hosting the bash. The allegations never led to any criminal charges, and the 17-year-old accuser didn't file any civil suits.

But all the players involved – Scott Stevens, Dino Ciccarelli, Geoff Courtnall, and Neil Sheehy — were quickly shipped out of town, forcing the Caps into a long rebuilding phase.

Where were we? Oh, right. Olie Kolzig retired. Quite a career. I'm sure Kolzig's  announcement would have gotten a lot more attention if he'd waited to make it until hockey camps opened.

What's that? It's started? The Caps have already played how many preseason games?

Really? Does anybody know?

Oh. Anyway: Happy retirement, Olie.

***

The Dodgers had the bases loaded with one out and the game tied in the top of the ninth and couldn't score. The Nats get a stolen base and an L.A. error in the bottom half and get the victory.

That's just a bump along the Road to 100 Losses™...but, the big news is: Guaranteed Win Night™ comes in AGAIN.

Don't spend it all in one place...until directed otherwise by Cheap Seats Daily!

Ryan Zimmerman had a three-run HR yesterday. Zimmerman and Adam Dunn are now among the most dynamic slugging duos in Washington baseball history.

They've now got 69 home runs and 203 RBI between them so far.

Zimmerman and Dunn already have more RBI than any pair of DC boys of summer since the 1930s. For some perspective, I consulted (who else?) Phil Wood about the Nats' 2009 numbers, and he learned me that in 1932 Joe Cronin and Heinie Manush had 116 RBI apiece, and a year later Cronin had 118 and Joe Kuhel 107 RBI.

No two Washington players have notched 100 RBI each since 1959, when Harmon Killebrew had 105 and Jim Lemon drove in 100.

In homers, Zimmerman and Dunn are now tied with Alfonso Soriano and Nick Johnson of the 2005 Nats, who also had 69, and trail only Mike Epstein (30 HRs) and Frank Howard (48) of the 1969 Washington Senators.

And yet the 2009 Nats are still going to lose a lot more than 100 games!

I'm no Casey Stengel, but looking at these numbers, I think I figured out what the problem is. So I said to Phil Wood: "I guess it's the pitching."

"Of course it's the pitching," said Wood.

***

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Traffic to and parking at his stadium were hideouser than usual. For some reason, the official FedExField web site is still pumping up the public transportation option as a way to arrive, and indicates that shuttles would be running from closest Metro stops to the stadium "every 15 minutes."

Alas: Snyder stopped the shuttle service for his stadium events a year ago. So anybody who believed what they read on the FedExField site got stranded.

Those who made it to the show found that bathrooms were shut down, since plumbing to big chunks of the stadium went out in the early evening.

But food vendors continued selling food even though the ability to keep things clean largely went away when running water disappeared. Ewwwww!

Just another day at the office for Snyder.

The comments section for the Washington Post's story about the debacle makes for some fabulous reading. A couple tidbits:

thefrontpage1 wrote: Why on earth does everything having to do with Dan Snyder and FedEx Field end up being over-priced, under-organized, a pain in the neck to people, handled poorly, organized poorly, managed poorly, and a rip-off for consumers? Why does everything associated with Dan Snyder work out so poorly? It's a viable question.

jbtjbtjbt wrote: Our pal at the Redskins office apologized "for the inconvenience". That's nice. How about refunding some of those "convenience" and "facilities" fees?? Welcome to your nation's capital. Toilets were backed up BEFORE the concert.

And, rletra wrote: As I waited for my wife to come out of one of the few working bathrooms, I mentioned to a Redskins' sales guy that in the men's room the toilet flushed but the sinks were dry. He said, "No big deal, guys don't wash their hands anyway."

Yuckety yuck yuck!

Snyder should just sign Michael Vick now.

AFTER THE JUMP: Chris Cooley's new app? DC United has a Real foe? Rabbit ears will get you the United/Real game? Would we stoop so low as to use Pablo Dean's free throw championship to hype the Eddie Dean/Tim McGraw Feud? The Nationals won? It's still baseball season?

Even before the plumbing at his stadium failed, Snyder's hands were dirty enough to where I really don't think his reputation around here can be damaged. And Vick could help his football team.

So, what the hell? Sign him!

***

FedExField has another big event this Sunday: DC United, after glorious recent U.S. Open Cup wins over the Ocean City (N.J.) Barons, regarded as “the Real Madrid of Ocean City (N.J.),” and the Harrisburg (Pa.) City Islanders, known around their hometown as, “the Real Madrid of Harrisburg,” and the Rochester (N.Y.) Rhinos, the, you guessed it, Real Madrid of Rochester (N.Y.), United now plays Real Madrid, which we'll dub the Real Real Madrid of the Real Madrid.

A crowd of about 70,000, or much larger than the one for McCartney which proved too big for Snyder's staff to accommodate, is expected for the United/Real match.

If you're off put by gridlock and third-world hygiene and want to avoid the stadium but don't have cable or even a digital converter box, you can still watch the match on analog, over-the-airwaves TV! Telefutura, the all-Spanish network found locally on channel 47. I'm gonna warm up the rabbit ears!

***

Last week it was a home movie with Colt Brennan making fun of an NFC East Rival. This week it's announcing a new iPhone application to promote his web site.

The branding of Chris Cooley marches on...

Seriously, pretty soon the Jonas Brothers are gonna be jealous of this guy's level of exposure.

Well, maybe not all his exposure.

***

I'll probably have to stretch like that dude from Fantastic 4 to make this a sports item, but here goes: As mentioned yesterday on this very same web site, Tim McGraw, the son of longtime relief pitcher and cult hero Tug McGraw, took a beating in the galleys of “Man of Constant Sorrow: The Life and Times of a Music Legend,” an upcoming book that bluegrass cult hero Ralph Stanley co-wrote with longtime City Paper writer and cult hero Eddie Dean. Dean let Stanley say that the younger McGraw couldn't recognize a real country song if it kicked him in the ass or somesuch.

But then the book's publisher got cold feet or the marketing folks got an idea and the bashing passages got yanked out of the version that went to press. Anyway, as longtime City Paper publisher and cult hero Amy Austin pointed out in a terse email to me after my blurb about the Great Tim McGraw Massacre of 2009 appeared, I should have also mentioned that Eddie Dean, back when he was on the masthead, went longer than Jerry Rice in a 1995 profile of Stanley, "Appalachian Death Trip." Read it and tell me Eddie isn't the man! I dare you!

Also, Eddie's son Pablo won the recent Maryland state free throw championships, sponsored by Knights of Columbus in Bowie. Pablo, according to his father, made 21 of 25 shots in the finals to "edge out some kid from Kensington in a Kevin Garnett jersey."

So, we squeezed pitcher Tug McGraw AND free throw champ Pablo Dean into this item. Plenty sportsy for Cheap Seats Daily!

(And, to the Tim McGraw crowd: Direct all hate to Ralph Stanley and Eddie Dean. Not me! I LOVE Tim McGraw! "Just to See You Smile" is awwwwsummmm!)

***

Oh, right: Nats Win!

Listening on the radio to those big back-to-back four-run innings from Pittsburgh only reminded me how awful this team has been for several years now. "So THIS is what a big inning sounds like!"...

And for a few minutes I did feel bad that Cheap Seats Daily had already moved on to football season last week, during the Great Four-Game Losing Streak of Late July and Early August 2009.

***

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The Washington Kastles lost to the Philadelphia Freedoms, the team named after an Elton John song or vice versa, in their home opener last night. The big stories were the sellout crowd that filled Empty Parking Lot Arena, or whatever the temp downtown stadium is called, and the appearance of tireless Venus Williams, who gave a clinic to local kids by day and starred on the court at night.

The loss puts the Kastles at 0-3. Amazing how quickly they've blended into the DC sports scene.

***

Speaking of: The Nats lost again in Colorado. Just another day at the office for the boys: Three errors for Washington (none for the Rockies), one-run loss.

Austin Kearns, he of the $8 million 2009 salary, had a huge pinch hit single in the 8th inning. Huge not for the Nats, but for Kearns, since it put his batting average above .200 for the first time in a while. Alas, the team's mandatory all-star slot has already been filled by Ryan Zimmerman.

The Nats have a death grip on the 1st Pick in next year's draft, and are now 14.5 games out of second-to-last place in the NL East. The team can boast a record -196-run run differential differential (R2D2™) with the league-leading Los Angeles Dodgers.

Manny Acta et al will try to fight off the broom with a getaway-day game this afternoon in Denver.

AFTER THE JUMP: Inevitable Chris Cooley backlash starting already? The guy who taught us "Macaca" still thinks he's righteous? Alberto Gonzales banished to an American archipelago? The Irish play basketball?

***

Whereas being a wild ass came naturally to past Redskins wild-asses (John Riggins, Curtis Jordan, etc...), Chris Cooley's wild-assishness by now seems incredibly forced. Cooley has gotten desperate to throw his wacky side in everybody's face. Every week there's a new stunt, promoted on his blog. If it ain't a shot of his naughty bits, it's a flaming cow. And on and on.

So when somebody at Extremeskins, Dan Snyder's message board, let everybody know that Cooley will be featured on a segment of ESPN's magazine show "E60", with him playing around on a ranch, the reaction wasn't all pro-#47.

The poster SkinsTerps26, whose board signature is a photo of Cooley, singed the star like a cow carcass, and probably spoke for a lot of fans as he did so:

"Cooley being all over TV and Internet bug me," wrote SkinsTerps26. "You are a funny guy... kinda... but after the cow burning and those stupid mustard peanut butter and ham sandwiches, its time to take a time out from video appearances. Go learn how to block."

Ouch!

***

From characters to character: The Examiner reports ex-Senator George Allen is putting out a sports book. "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports."

The publisher's tease says Allen is qualified for such a book because he "spent the better part of his life with one foot in both the world of sports and the world of politics." He spent the worst part of his life with one foot in his mouth. Isn't his license to ride the high horse still suspended?

But, damn, his dad was my favorite football coach of all time.

***

Another guy who left town in shame: Alberto Gonzales, the short and disgraced former attorney general, not the shortstop for the disgraceful Washington Nationals, has been hired to teach by my alma mater, Texas Tech. Gonzales probably figured Lubbock is a fine place to go when the rest of the world hates you, seeing how it worked out for Bobby Knight. If Coach Knight were still leading the Red Raiders, you know he'd be asking Gonzales to draw up a memo on how far he could legally push his players during "enhanced workouts." Those who want Gonzales tried for war crimes can take comfort knowing that while it ain't jail, a stay in Lubbock is a close second.

The town gave us Buddy Holly, bless him, but has been making up for that ever since. (Before hiring Gonzales, Tech chancellor and Democrat-turned-Republican ex-Congressman Kent Hance sacrificed whatever pride the school had trying to land the George W. Bush Library.)

***

Speaking of my roots and coaches in exile: Great story in the Washington Times about Jay Larranaga, son of George Mason coach Jim Larranaga.

The littler Larranaga is the player-coach of the national basketball team of Ireland. The squad's never been good. Writer Bob Cohn wraps up Irish international hoops history thusly: "In Ireland's only Olympic appearance in men's basketball in 1948, it lost all four games by an average of 51 points, including a 71-9 defeat by Mexico."

Ok, but in fairness to my people, folks are still talking about that '48 Mexican squad, nicknamed El Fuego Cinco*.

*Nobody's really talking about the '48 Mexican national basketball team, and they weren't really called "El Fuego Cinco." Continued apologies for my Los Lobos spanish. But the W. Times' story is really fun.

Turns out some mildly tawdry shots of Carrie Prejean from her modeling career have hit the web. Nothing with animals or appliances yet, though the photos reveal her blonde hair's fake, too. (Messing with God's work quite a bit, eh, Carrie?)

But then I also hit a link on the page for associated "Racy Photo Scandals" — I plead the Pete Townshend defense: "Research" — and was directed to a montage that featured Prejean, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens....and Chris Cooley!

Ah, yes. Everybody's fave Redskin's foreskin was briefly visible on his website last season. By accident, of course.