Sometime around 8, Tai Shan entered a FedEx container and headed out to Dulles. I hope he took 123 to the Toll Road, rather than stay on 66, which is a killer! He will be flying back to China as part of a deal under which they sell us cheap power tools for the foreseeable future, accompanied by his redneck cousin Mei Lan, who is returning from Zoo Atlanta (sadness). Mei Lan will bore Tai Shan to tears on the way over, talking about how much better Atlanta's weather is than D.C.'s and why Drivin' N Cryin' never got their due.

WE ARE AT WAR: Against the word "retarded." But who will compensate the people of Boston for the loss of a sixth of their vocabulary?

WHAT CITIES HAVE I NOT INSULTED YET? Let's go to Haiti, where members of a Meridian, Idaho, church that believes "Children are to honor and obey their parents" has hit a sporting patch! The church calls the folks "falsely arrested"; I suspect the folks down there are confronting reality for perhaps the first time in a while.

TOYOTA IN FREEFALL! If you bought Ford stock last year (full disclosure: I did!), you're accelerating all the way to the bank! I have a complaint about my '03 Toyota Matrix–the light bulb under the heater controls blew out almost immediately, and every time I've asked about getting it replaced, the dealership has told me it'll cost me way too much to pop off the dashboard. WHY ISN'T THE MEDIA REPORTING THIS?

HEY FOOD FANS: Don't miss Robert Sietsema's CJR piece from yesterday about the history of New York food criticism.

PORTIS SAYS HE'S READY TO PLAY. Should be some fun times in that locker room!

ALSO MAYBE THE NATS WON'T HAVE A WINNING SEASON. But numbers cannot account for the magic of Tony Plush. I think the playoffs are a certainty.

WHAT WILL WE CALL THE STORM ON TWITTER? How about, "Hey, get back to work!"

THAT'S ALL! AVOID VEGETATIVE STATES! EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT AN "ASPIRIN HO" IS IF YOU FIND A SEC! DON'T SEND ANYTHING FEDEX IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SMELL LIKE PANDA SWEAT!

More after the jump.

Now Metro's board got a new chair
And newbies with fantastic hair
But that isn't all
They've stemmed the shortfall
By adding a dime to the fare

Well, Butterstick, what a good run
Your time in D.C. is near done
Before China takes
Let ol' Land O'Lakes
Treat all of your fans to some fun

Catania will seek reelection
With Motley the other selection
The fight may be fair
But one thing they share:
A hist'ry of party defection

A Chinese zookeeper has been suspended for denying food to Yong Ba, the elderly giant panda who birthed the National Zoo's Tian Tian (otherwise known as our beloved Butterstick's aloof father/sperm-donor). The keeper and a souvenir shop were involved in a scheme that forced 25-year-old Yong Ba to pose for photos with visitors. After she did (and after the tourists ponied up 10 yuan, or about $1.50), the elderly panda would get a piece of apple on a stick. Otherwise, according to media reports, she was fed only two plates of milk and three buns. Someone, identified by Chinese media as a "netizen," posted photos of Yong Ba's condition and predicament on a popular online forum, launching an investigation. Chinese officials assert that the sole panda at Shenzhen Safari Park in the Sichuan province is healthy, despite having to bang on the door of her pen for food.