• A Metrobus stand-off occurred when a driver refused to let a woman and her service animal board, because the driver didn't think the dog was a real service animal.
• Metro Transit Police is increasing their presence in the District's "trouble spots."
• Metro's taken to hiring a consultant to create a "business case" on its goal to provide mass transit.
• The National Transportation Safety Board is investigating three Metrorail accidents.
• If the government shuts down, Metro will keep running. But a shutdown could cost WMATA a "quarter million dollars" per day.
• Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell circumvented the Northern Virginia Transportation Commission, getting Virginia's legislature to vote him powers to appoint a seat on the Metro Board of Directors.

In Metro Mixed News, Dulles Airport's Metro station will be underground after all. That saves pedestrians about 500 feet from the elevated station proposal, but adds $330 million to construction costs.

In Metro Good News, Yonathan Elias found himself on an empty Metro car, and videotaped himself "going crazy." As with all good YouTube videos, there is an auto-tuned remix. If that's not enough Metro music for you, Jason Mendelson is writing a song about each Metro station. If you're more of a movie person, you'll soon be able to rent a DVD at some Metro stations.

The Metro system, once a reliable point of pride for D.C.'s boosters, has had a rough few years: Safety problems, escalator outages, and rising prices have made the subway a regular subject of local griping. At times, it can be hard to keep up with the torrent of unflattering Metro-related scoops. As a public service,

• Crime on the Metro system hit a 5-year high, with serious incidents like rape and less violent “snatch robberies” both posting major increases.
• Part of an escalator in Foggy Bottom collapsed, causing several riders to fall into the pit at the bottom.
• Metro announced it’s cutting service for five Orange Line stations March 4 through March 6, as part of continued rail work.
• The “Metro Masturbator” appeared again, following a woman onto the train from Union Station, apparently hot and bothered on his way to Chinatown.
• Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell continued to dodge questions on why he isn’t doing more to lobby for Metro to keep that $150 million House Republicans want to cut, though he did say he’d like a seat on WMATA’s board.
• High winds caused the top of a Metrobus to fly off.
• Students may find their special passes less than effective at times when Metro feels they should be studying.

In other news, some of Metro’s most notorious electronic gadget thieves, the Swisha Splash Boys, received a pretty thorough profile from TBD’s On Foot blog. In less positive news, it looks like that blog’s not long for this world.

Yes We Can (Beg for Endorsements): Mayor Adrian Fenty takes it upon himself to leak word that he's asked President Barack Obama for an endorsement in Tuesday's election. Which is a strange strategy in a race polls show Fenty is likely to lose to D.C. Council Chairman Vincent Gray; Obama has enough political problems without weighing in on the losing side of a Democratic primary in the District. All Fenty's likely to get from the tactic is an increased sense that his campaign is desperate, and also a demonstration that he doesn't have that much clout with the White House. Of course, if he does get the Obama endorsement, that'll be the surest sign yet that White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel has one foot already in the door of Chicago's city hall. -3

Monumental WiFi: Dreams have finally come true for anyone who always wondered why they couldn't get a reliable, free wireless Internet network while riding the carousel in front of the Smithsonian Castle. (All four of those people.) Public WiFi has come to the Mall. A stretch from 3rd Street to 14th Street will be covered by the network, which District and federal officials have been plotting since 2005. Now, when lost families from the Midwest ask for directions to the Washington Monument, you can first berate them for not looking it up on their iPad, and only then berate them for asking how to get to the building that's directly in front of them. +4

Chill, Washington: Evidently D.C. is only the 15th most-stressed city in the nation, according to the latest completely unscientific list to hit the newsstands. (And here at the Needle, we know from completely unscientific.) More stressed than we are: Detroit; Los Angeles; Cleveland; Riverside, Calif.; and St. Louis, among others. Less stressed: Austin; Raleigh, N.C.; Minneapolis-St. Paul; Virginia Beach-Norfolk; and Salt Lake City. We tried to figure out the criteria used for the list, but it was too stressful. +2

Virginia is for Drinkers: Just across the Potomac, Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has a plan. That plan involves booze, and lots of it. The commonwealth would open liquor sales to more than 1,000 new establishments, mostly grocery and convenience stores that already sell beer and wine. The idea is to boost revenues, lower prices, and—most importantly—expand access to alcohol for all. Which is great, but do keep in mind: that drunk guy lingering by the Old Granddad whiskey bottles? He's probably carrying a concealed weapon. It's Virginia, after all. +3

Doors Closing: Holiday weekends are so nice—three days off from work, the city a little emptier than usual, special events on Sunday nights. And now, apparently, the new D.C. tradition? Metro stations closed. After shutting five Red Line stations over Labor Day, Metro announced today they'll close McPherson Square and Farragut West on the Blue and Orange lines over Columbus Day. Fortunately for any tourists visiting the District then, McPherson Square isn't located particularly close to any large white executive mansions. -4

Yesterday's Needle rating: 43 Today's score: +2 Today's Needle rating: 45

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: "Tampering Charges Tossed, But Conspiracy Case Goes Forward," "Outcast Psychic Eyes Bethesda Comeback," "World Cup Roundup," "Defense Expert Disputes Knife Evidence In Wone Case," "Court Sides With Protesters In DPW Poster Removal Case," "Fatal Shooting In Brentwood"

Good Morning. So just how bad is Mayor Adrian Fenty doing against D.C. Council Chairman Vincent Gray? He lost the Ward 3 straw poll—the results of which were released late yesterday. If Fenty is to have any hope of keeping his job, he's got to dominate that ward. LL is stunned and thinks maybe this is some kinda joke. But it must be true since there's a Gray campaign press release in my inbox: "According to results released tonight, Gray was named the winner of the Ward Three Democratic Committee Straw Poll with 174 votes to 168 for Fenty. The straw poll was conducted one week ago as the candidates faced each other in a candidates’ forum sponsored by the committee, but ballots were not counted until this evening. The straw poll was open to any registered Democrat living in Ward Three. The Ward Three Democratic Committee also voted tonight on whether to endorse a candidate for Mayor. While no candidate received the required 75% needed for an endorsement, Gray handily beat Fenty among the delegates by a margin of 40-15 (or 64% of the vote to 24%)." More coverage via WaPo.

AFTER THE JUMP—Virginia at war with itself over Metro, Don Peebles rides the fence, bad record keeping found at Adult Protective Services agency, and much, much more!

METRO MESS: WaPo editorial board refers to Virginia's threat to withhold Metro funds as "blackmail." The board writes: "This is not a dispute between Virginia and Metro, or even between Virginia and the other two Metro jurisdictions, Maryland and the District. This is a dispute between Virginia and Northern Virginia. And resolving it would not require redrawing the rules governing Metro's board. As things have stood for years, the Northern Virginia Transportation Commission, a regional body representing Fairfax and Arlington counties and Alexandria, has named two voting members to the Metro board to match the two voting members named by the District and the state of Maryland. (Maryland's seats have for years been controlled not by suburban governing bodies but from Annapolis, which also provides the state's subsidy.) When Virginia was asked to pony up $50 million a year in funds to match the federal dollars, state officials started pressing the commission to allow them to name one of the two voting members (plus an alternate) for Virginia. The Northern Virginians declined.... State officials point out that they are chipping in about 52 percent of all Virginia dollars going to Metro; the remaining 48 percent comes from Northern Virginia localities. State officials are also right that the Metro board would be well served by having Virginia represented by a full-time transportation expert, not part-time politicians, no matter how conscientious and well-intentioned." Best line: "But Metro is not a political trophy to be squabbled over; it's one of the busiest and most critical transportation systems in the nation. Northern Virginia needs to recognize the state's legitimate interest and contribution, back down and allow Richmond a vote on the Metro board. Richmond should negotiate without holding the system hostage. This internecine skirmish must not be allowed to jeopardize funding for transit in the nation's capital."

IT'S NOVA VS. THE REST OF VA: Meanwhile, the Examiner's Kytja Weir reports that two Virginia Congressmen called the funds threat "budgetary blackmail." Weir writes: "Reps. Gerry Connolly and Jim Moran, both Democrats, wrote a letter to Republican Gov. Bob McDonnell stressing 'serious concerns' about the proposal to give two of the four Virginia board slots to political appointees instead of elected officials from Northern Virginia. They specifically disputed the McDonnell administration's claim that the commonwealth deserved half the positions as it was contributing 52 percent of the overall $249 million in state and local subsidies for the pending $2.1 billion Metro budget, which starts July 1. They argue that Northern Virginia riders' fares and parking fees are not included in those numbers, thus underestimating how much local residents are contributing. Furthermore, Connolly told The Washington Examiner, that the $50 million the state is threatening to withhold comes from revenue paid by Northern Virginia drivers through the 2 percent gas tax. 'I know who pays the bills. It's local taxpayers, not Richmond, not the commonwealth,' Connolly said. 'This is our own money that Virginia is suddenly laying claim to.'"

HOPEFULLY, THE LAST DON PEEBLES LINK EVER: WaPo's Mike DeBonis writes that the developer has finally, sorta, maybe made up his mind on whether to run for mayor:

"The D.C.-born developer, based in Florida for more than a decade now, appeared on Jonetta Rose Barras's WPFW-FM show Thursday morning, promising to answer whether or not he'd challenge Mayor Adrian Fenty — a decision he's been openly pondering since last fall.

Not surprisingly, no hard answer came from Peebles, who has pledged to inject as much as $5 million of his own money into the race and has relished the attendant public attention. But it's clear the public's patience is nearing an end. Barras started by asking Peebles the big question: Will you or won't you?

'I continue to get an outpouring of support asking me to run for mayor,' he started, before launching into an extended monologue on the problems of Washington today — ranging from jobs to fiscal management.

Barras finally pressed him to answer the darn question. Even that didn't get a clear yes or no.

When he had agreed to come on the show, Peebles explained, he intended to announce he'd run for the mayoralty as an independent — that is, in the general election, after Fenty and Vincent Gray had duked it out. But Peebles said that earlier this week he'd learned that his mother-in-law's cancer had significantly worsened.

So, he said, 'at this point right now, I cannot be a candidate for mayor.'

Barras then asked if the 'door is closed' to a mayoral run. Said Peebles, 'You never say never.'"

Peebles has a great back story and can talk passionately on the subject of job creation. But why would anyone vote for this guy after all his indecision? More coverage via WBJ.

SHADY RECORD KEEPING: The Examiner's Alan Suderman reports that paperwork concerning some of the District's most vulnerable residents wasn't kept secure—the IG has found: "Sensitive information of some of the District's must vulnerable residents, including abused and neglected elderly and disabled citizens, was left in a haphazard and unsecured mess at a city office, the D.C. inspector general has found. The District's Adult Protective Services division is tasked with 'investigating reports of abuse, neglect, and exploitation of frail, elderly and disabled adults,' according to the inspector general's report. But the APS's case files — which include clients' statements, Social Security numbers, health records, and the names of those who reported abuse — were left 'unorganized lying on unattended desks, in open boxes, and in carts waiting to filed' in a storage room," the IG found. And the storage room was often left open and unlocked because it was used by city employees "as a thoroughfare" to reach exits and restrooms. City employees from a different department and who weren't authorized to look at the records had easy access to the files, according to the IG. The report is the third the inspector general has issued in little more than a year that details how a city agency has failed to safeguard city records."

9:30 CLUB VS. LIVE NATION: AP reports: "The owner of Washington's 9:30 Club has filed a lawsuit against Maryland to prevent the state from giving Montgomery County $4 million to build a music venue. The lawsuit was filed this week by the music club's parent company, IMP Inc., and that company's co-owner Seth Hurwitz. It says the county hasn't provided enough information about the project's costs as required by the General Assembly. The county is contributing $4 million to build the venue. A spokesman for the county executive says the county has met the assembly's conditions. The Live Nation venue would be built in downtown Silver Spring and serve about 2,000 standing patrons. Hurwitz has said his company could create a music venue in Silver Spring without public funds."

FENCED IN: WaPo's Ann Marimow updates on Vincent Gray's controversial fence: "The clock is ticking for Council Chairman Vincent Gray to do something about his fence. He has 30 days to relocate or lower the black aluminum fence that surrounds his Hillcrest home, according to a letter dated June 9 from the District's Public Space Committee. Last month, the committee ruled that Gray had not provided sufficient justification to exceed the District's height limit on fences built in the public right of way. The panel, charged with protecting the character of the city's neighborhoods, gave Gray two options to act by July 9: lower his 67-inch fence to the limit of 42 inches or move the fence back to the property line. Rulings by the obscure but powerful committee are final. Gray is consulting with his attorney, but has "not yet made a decision on whether he will move the fence or decrease the height," his campaign spokeswoman Traci Hughes said Thursday."

METRO MESS PART 2: Metro workers will be disciplined over ten-car train.

HOLDOUT HORROR STORY: One landlord who refused millions to sell during downtown's development boom now probably regrets that decision.

REQUIRED FATHER'S DAY READING: WaPo's Petula Dvorak profiles a father who adopted two neglected boys with the help of the Children's Law Center.

GRAY'S HEALTH: The Examiner's Bill Myers reports that Gray had a bit of "a sniffle" this week.

CRUISERS: Three cop cars were hit by an SUV.

EMAIL OF THE WEEK: From Keith Jarrell on campaign sign wars:

"For more than a month I have had a Vince Gray for Mayor sign in my yard. Proudly I might ad, and at my request. This evening after attending a CAC meeting at 4th District I came home only to find a Fenty for Mayor sign in the middle of my front yard, completely unauthorized!

Where does the dirty, over bearing side of Fenty STOP?

I am open to no excuses from the Campaign on this heinous act. If they even begin to suggest that the person that installed the Fenty sign maybe didn't see the Gray sign then I am going to suggest that they get their eyes checked. They would have to have practically walked over the first sign to put up the second one.

I have left a message for the Fenty Campaign manger giving him until 8Am tomorrow morning to have the sign removed.

Keith Jarrell"

MAYOR'S SCHEDULE:

9:30 a.m. Remarks
Ribbon Cutting for Marvin Gaye Park
Location: Marvin Gaye Park
Minnesota Avenue and Nannie Helen Burroughs Avenue, NE
(Don't you feel like he's already cut a ribbon at Marvin Gaye Park?)

D.C. COUNCIL SCHEDULE:

11 a.m.
Committee on Aging and Community Affairs (Hearing)
Bill 18-235, the "Veterans License Plates Establishment Act of 2010"
Location: John A. Wilson Building, Room 412

The store that has long been awaited
'Twas also quite hotly debated
Your laptop is busted?
A genius, if trusted
Will fix up the mess you created

Hizzoner had property stolen
(Two bikes left for rough terrain rollin')
It's now a charade
Because he delayed
And 'cause he's a little controllin'

From slicing and dicing to searing
This Wednesday saw Top Chef premiering
With Padma, soon Nancy
And food that looks fancy
No wonder this show is endearing

McDonnell has issued a threat
That's making WMATA folks sweat
He wants to appoint
Two more from his joint
Or matching funds, Metro won't get

Good morning, everyone. Today’s somehow supposed to be a lovely Tuesday with intermittent possibilities of rain. Doesn’t make much sense to me. I went out and bought the Facebook Effect last night–haven’t been this excited about a read since Harry Potter. This morning's photo is in honor of Twitter–the sperm whale was failing all last night.

In case you missed it: motherfuckers need to be checkin’ themselves, the Textile Museum gets a new director, Japan ain’t no Korea, and blizzards are a silly excuse for missing work.

Virginia is headed toward an annual surplus for the first time since 2008, Gov. Bob McDonnell said. Great news, except Fairfax County still sits in that $2.2 billion transportation funding hole. D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty’s hardcore about keeping his minions in check, but perhaps he should take a kindness lesson from Northern Virginia. Fear that your kid may kill you in your sleep? Move to NoVA–residents there, compared to other parts of the state, are the least likely to assault other people in their household, according to a new report published by the Family & Children’s Trust Fund of Virginia. Rihanna should’ve caught someone there, as you'll recall Chris Brown is from Tappahannock.

The Washington Examiner’s Harry Jaffe argues that big hole in D.C.’s criminal justice system ought to be fixed. Obama’s hustlin’ for another Stimulus package. Free money!

Remember that oil spill down south? The Los Angeles Times reports:

“The Deepwater Horizon oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico was built in South Korea. It was operated by a Swiss company under contract to a British oil firm. Primary responsibility for safety and other inspections rested not with the U.S. government but with the Republic of the Marshall Islands–a tiny, impoverished nation in the Pacific Ocean.”

Well, I’ll be damned. Sounds like every other product I wear, use, and consume in the good ol’ USA. Are we surprised? And BP’s latest plan to capture the still gushing oil, may pose safety risks to workers, wrote BP Vice President Doug Suttles in a letter. Three ships placed in the area at the end of June may process up to 53,000 barrels of crude oil a day. I don’t get it. Why can’t we just plug the goddamn hole? What’s this capturing shit about?

All right kids, that's all. I'm thinking sushi for lunch before it's no longer a possibility.

Photo by d.boyd. Creative Commons Attribution License.

McDonnell says really, they should
Stop paying for dudes to get wood
The cash he's recouping
While guys are left drooping
Could do the state budget some good

A fix that Tim Kaine pioneered
His budget saw ED drugs cleared
Performance enhancer?
Just wasn't the answer
Viagra somehow reappeared...

Good morning! Happy hump day! Wednesdays are always good.

Today’s high of 91 calls for tanning oil and rebellion against work–it seems we’ve plopped in the middle of summer. I thought April was for showers? But hey, can’t complain, aside from the deadly pollen infestation that's coated my car.

Yesterday was the first funeral service held for last week's mass shootings in Southeast that took four lives. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty was in attendance, at least for a while.

And in case you missed it, Fenty’s packing some serious abs–now there's a situation. With D.C. Council Chairman Vincent Gray giving him a run for his money, maybe Fenty will move on to Jersey Shore. MTV just announced its Jersey Shore 2010 casting call. Though Fenty's going to have to step up his game if he wants to be as cool as Snooki. But anything's possible now that Scrabble's allowing the use of proper nouns.

Our neighbors over in Virginia are partyin’ like it’s 1869, celebrating Confederate History Month, which Va. Governor Bob McDonnell has so happily reinstated from an 8-year hiatus. His proclamation fails to note slavery, saying in WaPo:

"there were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia."

The District has even joined in on Twitter. In honor of this momentous occasion, the government should go on holiday to ease traffic in this city. Butler failed, but I still have hope. For the children!

Alexander Ovechkin put Sidney Crosby in his place last night, Caps beating out the Penguins 6 to 3. Something in the world is right again.

Beware, the pollen count is high today–flowers are evil, especially cherry blossoms. Have a marvelous day!

Photo by brookenovak, Creative Commons Attribution License

Obama called for comity! Alito mouthed "You are a liar!"* Around the one-hour mark, I started looking at snow shovels on acehardware.com! THE STATE OF THE UNION IS STRONG.

During his speech, the president decried Washington's "perpetual campaign where the only goal is to see who can get the most embarrassing headlines about the other side–a belief that if you lose, I win." This seems not to have worked!

I did not watch Bob McDonnell's wee pretendy SOTU from Richmond–not because he has been the essentially powerless governor of a state for two weeks, not because he believes in magic, and not because he confuses becoming governor with getting married (fig. 1). I did not watch it because there were repeats on Channel 20 that weren't gonna watch themselves.

fig. 1

THE IPAD HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED. JOURNALISM IS SAVED. If you're reading this on a tablet, thanks!

PRO BOWL FEVER: Who's got it besides me? I can't wait to see Maurice Jones-Drew get Orakpwned!

MORE OF YESTERDAY'S NEWS: Some jackass from Utah wants no gay marriage in D.C. Caps win again. Wearable art by Marion Barry. Greatest Washington Post blog post of all time disappears, then reappears in bowdlerized form! Washington professional sports ownership continues to be a world of world-class weirdness.

• A bike-commuting challenge, normally something I'd favor, except this one requires you to ride in "office attire." Don't stink up your sportsjacket! Wear a sweatshirt and a quick-drying T-shirt instead. Also: you might get chain grease on your nice trousers. This is a bad idea! That stuff never comes out. Unless you're going less than a mile, riding in office clothes is a little silly.

*Or something

Virginia! It's probably a 20 minute bike ride from you, yet when did you last think about D.C.'s western neighbor? Was it when you saw a group of young men exit a car on 18th Street NW wearing shorts in sub-freezing weather? Was it when you wanted some decent pho? Was it when Bob McDonnell served up a warning that 2010 might not go so smoothly for the party in power?

Outgoing Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine gave a speech yesterday about his outgoingness, citing the usual blah blah blah and receiving the usual blah blah blah. Transportation is still a mess in Northern Virginia, with the usual dynamic being a proposal that would cost everyone in the state 50 cents and everyone in the state freaking the hell out over this massive intrusion into their pocketbooks. (That money coulda gone to Ukrop's! OH WAIT.) Kaine leaves McDonnell with a budget framework for the next two years, buttressing my argument that the governorship of Virginia is one of the more useless positions in this land.

McDonnell has other problems! There is this fellow, Robert Sledd, whom McDonnell would like to be his secretary of commerce. But this fellow, Sledd, a Richmond businessman, is on the boards of several inconvenient corporations! For example, Universal Corp., "the world's leading leaf tobacco merchant and processor." McDonnell says that once members of the General Assembly, who hold perhaps the only more useless positions in Virginia politics than the governor of said commonwealth, "get to know the heart of this man," they will love him as much as tobacco companies do. So! The commonwealth is in the hands of a man who not only believes in magic and has close ties with the moron Pat Robertson (recent triumph: blaming the Haitian's deal with the devil for the earthquake) but also feels like he, too, can navigate politics by peering into men's souls.

Also there is a movement to get rid of the commonwealth's taxes on corporations. Hey, good luck with that!

Speaking of Haiti, the United States Department of State has a link on its front page today–text HAITI to 90999, and $10 will go to the Red Cross.

Happy NaBloPoMo! Or for the less tech-savvy: National Blog Posting Month. Apparently, there are bloggers who have vowed to post every day for the month of November! Don’t worry, slacker-bloggers with other responsibilities—City Desk has plenty of posts to go around. That’s what interns are for.

The New York Times is asking readers to look back at the year since President Barack Obama’s election and sum up their mood. As of Tuesday night, Democrats are “hopeful,” “proud,” and “thankful.” Republicans are “suspicious,” “depressed,” and… “unsurprising.” Please assign grammar lessons to those unsurprising Republicans. Also, Republicans can add some new words today after last night's election returns. Bob McDonnell!

At 12:01 a.m., the National Park Service debuted its new online lottery for the National Christmas Tree ceremony tickets. There are some 10,000 tickets available, and the lottery closes Friday. On the plus side: No more fending off tourists and huddling in the cold for hours to see a tree lit. On the downside: Did anyone actually think this through? Thousands upon thousands logging into one government-run Web page? I’d start bundling up the kiddies.  

The Washington Business Journal reported yesterday that D.C. is home to some of the nation’s lowest and highest unemployment rates. In September, unemployment in Ward 8 was at 28.3 percent, while Ward 3 was at 3.2 percent.

But more important, there is apparently a good reason the elevators are always broken in my dorm: All the tuition money went to former George Washington University president Stephen Trachtenberg. The average university head takes home around $359,000 a year. Trachtenberg received $3.7 million a year for his 19 years—$2 million more than any other university president. Unsurprisingly, on Tuesday 66 percent of NBC Washington readers were “furious.” And 6 percent marked their reaction as “thrilled.”

Were these the same 6 percent “furious” Obama is holding babies?

According to the blogger at 14^th and You, someone broke into her car—apparently to steal an ice-scraper and some mid-Atlantic maps. It’s a tough time to be a NaBloPoMo’er.

Prince of Petworth has a post bemoaning a certain dog walker. Apparently, “at 14 dogs at a time, this isn’t attention or exercise for your dog. Just a factory.” Besides doing some intense division concerning poops per minute, commenters also said the following:

“Kudos, dogwalkerman.”

“With the success of “Nanny Cams”, now comes “Dog Walker Cam.”

“I recognize a couple of these dogs…the owners pay $20 a day. Oh are they going to be pissed.”

“Prince of Petworth, you should become a dog walker on the side to supplement your meager blogging funds!”

And that’s the roundup. I'm locking my car and stealing some puppies.

Image: Web shot of New York Times page

The Washington Mystics have been rotten throughout Johnson's run as team president, having finished in the bottom half of the WNBA's Eastern Conference all five seasons under her, and not winning even a single playoff game.

But Johnson has gotten a pretty free ride through all the on-court suckitude. She's hailed by the gay community for not pretending the grandstands ain't laden with lesbians, and, not coincidentally, she brought the Mystics back to the top of the league in attendance.

Perhaps the lack of criticism in the face of such lousiness let Johnson feel empowered to mock Creigh Deeds, the Democratic Party gubernatorial candidate in Virginia, as a stutterer during a fundraising appearance for Republican opponent Bob McDonnell. But she's finding out she's not bulletproof after all.

The incident was weeks ago, but she's still being compared all over to George Allen when he called that kid "Macaca" during a Senatorial campaign a few years ago, even though stutterers don't have enough advocates to make the noise that followed the Allen slur. The Washington Post wrote about it today.

Surely the legs of the story have something to do with the novelty of Johnson, a black Democrat, supporting a white Republican, McDonnell, in one of only two gubernatorial races in the country this year.

But there's also the youtube clip of Johnson's fake stutter, and that shows her to be every bit the naive, heartless jerk that Allen looked like. It's the kind of moment that ain't really worth apologizing for, unless you can come up with a way to apologize for being a naive, heartless jerk.

But Johnson, who hangs out with the Virginia horsey set, has now given one of those non-apology apologies, issuing a statement that she's sorry only "for any offense he, or others, may have taken.” That's a tack Allen, and countless naive, heartless jerks before him, already tried. It never works. So now the Mystics management, like the management of a lot of local teams in recent years, is gonna be hard to root for.

If you pick up a paper copy of Washington City Paper this morning, you may experience a sensory flashback to 2006, when our issues averaged 160 pages and always weighed this much. However, it's just that our fall arts guide is stuck inside! Don't panic! The newspaper business still sucks! This year's guide has listings and content up the wazoo, including critics' picks and a feature that purports to tell local bloggers such as Morgan Hungerford and Matthew Yglesias just what they should do with their entertainment dollars this autumn. Also in this piece: bear joke. It looks great in print. Pick one up!

As Mike Watt would say, I feel like spielin' this morning. If you don't have the time, DO NOT CLICK MORE.

Rain! That stuff is wet! If you haven't left the house yet, pack a hat, or better yet: an umbrella!

Tonight, Virginia gubernatorial candidates square off in a debate that will focus on business. Washington Post helpfully points out that unions are shoveling money toward Creigh Deeds, which in Virginia should go over as well as another Ben "Cooter" Jones campaign. For sure, the race has tightened since Thesiscaca™, but it's hard to see Deeds pulling this one out. My buddy Norm points out this is a poll of registered voters and probably an "outlier," but then again he thinks the tea-party protests were a wake-up call to fancy-pants Republicans such as himself. I don't buy that—who is going to herd the nutballs into a majority? Mitt?

Also can I get a what-what for Anita Kumar, who is covering the bejesus out of this race?

• Has anyone else noticed that Giant is a lot cheaper lately? This major newspaper has. Can I get a what-what for lower prices?

• BIKE COMMUTING CORNER: After my helmet, your second-most important accessory is gloves. Buy yourself a quality pair! Sure, they're great for protecting your hands should you fall, but they also dampen the vibrations that lead to hand numbness. Velo Orange is contemplating a fussy pair for fancy-pants people such as Norm, but I have had tremendous luck with these gloves, which I got on sale for $4.95 and which have come through two summers beautifully. Look for extra material around the thumb.

• ITEM! Christmas will soon rock for the color-blind. Demby, I got you on this one, man!

It's 10 a.m.! I'm out of time! E-mail me for more riffs or follow me on Twitter!

On this date in 2005: Get your Tragedy Hats!

None of the Redskins marketing endeavors under Dan Snyder dropped the jaw faster than the "Redskins Flag Hat" that went on sale on the team's web site and at FedExField at the beginning of the 2005 season.

For $23.99 plus shipping where applicable, Snyder would sell you a Redskin baseball cap with a red, white and blue Pentagon stitched on the side to tug the heart strings and stir more nationalism at a time when the country was already crippled by an oversupply. The hats were a great way, according to the radio ads that ran on the sports stations owned by Snyder, to "commemorate Sept. 11."

The punch line: The proceeds weren't earmarked for any charity or cause. Unless you consider the owner's wallet a charity or cause.

Genius!

***

(AFTER THE JUMP: Bankers going for Michael Vick haters? Bob McDonnell, you lie? Boswell basking in the afterglow of his Snyder bashing? DC Divas become video stars? A bump in the Nats' Road to 100 Losses?  Jaycee Dugard jokes?)

It didn't take long for signs of the Michael Vick influence on the football season to show up. The first commercial coming out of the first pregame show on NBC this season was for Wachovia. It featured a woman and her car full of dogs, and had her talking about how she needs to save money at the bank so she can make sure her dogs are cared for.

Coincidence? Heck no!

***

Sticking with notable commercials: Virginia governor wannabe Bob McDonnell ran his new campaign spot again and again on WRC after the Steelers/Titans broadcast.

In the commercial, McDonnell is seen walking down a suburban street while being followed by a cameraman as he lists a litany of political goals for the Commonwealth. To capture the football crowd that would be watching the spots, at one point in the ad McDonnell's son interrupts the boilerplatitudes by throwing the candidate a football and asking with a big smile and an excited shriek, "Dad, how 'bout a game?"

McDonnell answers, "You're on!"

But then he keeps walking down the street and talking politics! The commercial ends with McDonnell and his family standing together at the end of the street for no good reason.

Bottom line: There is no game!

If you tell your son, Game on!, and then there is no game, how can you expect Virginia voters to trust anything you say, Mr. McDonnell? How?

Answer the question!

Butt seriously: You've never seen a lower-aiming, dumbassier ad than this one.

***

Tom Boswell came off the top rope and landed on Snyder earlier this week. In his washingtonpost.com chat yesterday, Boswell told readers, "I've never had such near-universal positive reaction to a tough column."

Pretty soon, you could hold a convention of Snyder's supporters on a golf cart. Oh, wait. Maybe you already can.

***

Albert Haynesworth seems like a real funny tough guy. In an interview that aired yesterday on WTEM, the Redskins' only major offseason acquisition was asked if the size of Giants' running back Brandon Jacobs worries him. It doesn't.

“What is he, 250 [lbs.]?" Haynesworth said. "I weighed 250 when I was in the 10th grade.”

But here's Jacobs dominating Skins' safety Laron Landry last year. "That's getting run over!"  yells John Madden about the hit, which is far more brutal than when Bo Jackson's famously gelded Brian Bosworth in a "Monday Night Football" game. Jacobs' hit was enough to get writers of the NBC TV show "Friday Night Lights" to reference it in a script last season. In a scene where some characters are watching the highlight tape Dillon High fullback Tim Riggins sent to U of Oklahoma scouts, the guys all agree he looks like "Brandon Jacobs running over Laron Landry." (God, I miss that show! Come back soon!)

***

In case you missed it: The most viral sports column of the year, on so many levels, comes from Mark Whicker of the OC Register, perhaps the only employed writer on the planet who found inspiration for giggles in the Jaycee Dugard kidnap/rape/impregnancy/enslavement.

Read his non-apology, too. And the comments! It'll take all day, but it's worth the time.

Funny is hard, and damn if I don't hear a time bomb ticking every time I try to get chuckles here, what with New Media's typing demands and aversion to paying gatekeepers. But how many folks had to sign off on Whicker's words before they actually showed up in print?

***

I was in Delaware for vacation recently.

Few states like gambling the way Delaware likes gambling. There are casinos at the fairgrounds in Harrington and at Dover Downs, where there's also horse racing.

All the talk while I was there was about the feds siding with the NFL to crush Delaware's attempt to bring in single-game football betting.

Scads of evidence of the local love for wagering were available at Kupchick's, a nice, low-key restaurant in Lewes, Del. On the bulletin board, the results of the recent Travers Stakes from Saratoga were written in magic marker above the daily dining specials. There were stacks of fliers on the counter with instructions on how to enter the deli's Suicide Pool for this NFL season, entry fee and all.

So I asked the guy behind the counter what he thought of the appeals court's ruling that stopped the state's gambling pursuits. I guessed he would.

"Somebody made a phone call," he says. "They had to help Vegas."

I'm with him. No other explanation makes sense.

***

The DC Divas lost the Sup-Her Bowl, but the First Ladies of Women's Football* are featured in a new video I discovered on youtube. It ain't ever gonna be Soulja Girls — I was the only one to have seen the video according to the Youtube counter last night, and as of this morning the count was up to just six views — but, I gotta say, the song's catchy. Sing with me: "I like football..I like it a lot...I like girls that play...and even when they're not."

This thing deserves double figures in views!

***

Nats win! Countdown to 100 Losses™ stalled at 8!

***

*Dan Snyder really did trademark "First Ladies of Football" for his cheerleaders, a clear affront not only to women's football players, but also to the guy cheerleaders in his troupe. But not surprising. Snyder's amusement park chain, Six Flags, has also tried trademarking "Daycation" and "You Are Here." He likes claiming ownership of things™.

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

*D.C. Police report that they've made an arrest in Sunday's fatal stabbing of 34-year-old Tyrone Wheaten in the 2400 block of Elvans Rd. SE. 38-year-old Troy Richardson is being held for Murder One:

Mr. Richardson had reportedly stabbed the decedent and then fled, barricading himself inside of his own apartment at the above location. Member’s from the Department’s Emergency Response Team responded to the scene and were able to successfully remove the suspect from the apartment and take him into custody.

*Mr. T in DC was shocked to find a street vendor selling baby turtles in Columbia Heights.

Where did this guy get the turtles? Did he raid a wildlife sanctuary, or plunder Rock Creek Park? Were they a rare species, smuggled into the country? Does he breed them in his home? I'm guessing he didn't have proper permits and whatnot.

*The Prince of Petworth is pleased to announce that a "real historic diner" is coming to Trinidad. One of the owners even wrote him an email:

“My partner and I are moving an historic 1940’s diner from New York to Washington, DC tomorrow. We bought a Silk City Diner, manufactured by Paterson Vehicle Company in 1947, that has been in upstate New York ever since it was put into service."

*Today's City Paper must-do: "Presidents in Waiting" at the National Portrait Gallery.