Talk about a non-story!

True, Gray has never been invited to the speech by the president—he attended last year as a guest of Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton (although, based on her less-than-pleased tone while discussing the mayor's new Occupy-hostile stance in today's House Oversight Committee hearing on the protesters, he may be staying home this year). For what it's worth, Adrian Fenty once turned down a White House invitation to sit with Laura Bush at a speech, and Tony Williams used to attend in the past.

But Gray isn't exactly a household name outside the D.C. area, and it's not like any of the TV pundits were going to bother identifying him for people watching the speech from home—and if they did, it's not like they were going to suddenly go on a Howard Beale-style diatribe about D.C. voting rights. Though it's good to see Plotkin has found a story that matters even less than what kind of license plates are on the presidential limo.

I guess I don't know why it matters that the president hasn't found a church home in D.C. But apparently it does. The Post reports:

Although many just wanted to spend a morning with the first family, others had hopes the Obamas would choose their church exclusively. The Obamas have not joined a Washington congregation.

Since becoming president, Obama has made one-time visits to Nineteenth Street Baptist, Vermont Avenue Baptist, Allen African Methodist Episcopa, Metropolitan AME and Shiloh Baptist. He has attended St. John’s Episcopal Church several times — most recently in December — but the Obamas have been only occasional churchgoers.

The Obamas spent yesterday morning at 16th Street Heights institution Zion Baptist. But it seems like everytime the family attends a church service—typically around holidays—the question comes up: Why haven't they picked a church yet?

But it's not all that surprising that they haven't, is it? They're a relatively young family with busy schedules. And overall, only 35 percent of Americans claim to attend church, synagogue, or mosque every week. Instead of asking why he hasn't, maybe we should start asking why he should?

Photo by Pete Souza/The White House

And Then There Were 12: For months, Harry Thomas Jr. claimed he was innocent of all the allegations against him, even after he agreed to repay the District $300,000 that the attorney general said he stole. And then all of a sudden, he admitted he did it all. In a guilty plea in federal court today, Thomas said he stole hundreds of thousands of dollars he'd helped direct to organizations that were supposed to be working on behalf of needy kids. He resigned his Ward 5 D.C. Council seat last night, and he'll be sentenced to prison on May 3. It's a cliché to say, "This is a sad day for D.C.," but phrases like that become clichés for a reason—because they're true. -5

No Parking, President Dining: Early this morning, Dupont Circle residents found temporary "no parking" signs had gone up all around the neighborhood, without the usual advance notice required for posting. Some cars had been towed. What, exactly, was going on? Just a lunch excursion for the most powerful man in the country, that's all. President Barack Obama zipped north to eat lunch with some supporters at Scion, the second such meal he's had lately. Last time, he was in Virginia. Maybe he's been reading Washington City Paper? -1

A Diaper On Every Pol: Out on the hustings, the men (and they're all men, now that Michele Bachmann has quit) who want to replace Obama like to talk about the career paths they'd bring to the White House should they win. One guy's a corporate raider, one guy's a K Street lobbyist without the title. A lesser-known rival, though, would arrive at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW having served as lawyer to the madame to the inside-the-Beltway stars. Montgomery Blair Sibley, attorney to the late Deborah Jean Palfrey, announced today he's seeking the presidency. No line so far on InTrade on Sibley's chances. -1

More Money, Fewer Problems: It's been years since federal workers got a pay raise, as every national politician in town has rushed to demonstrate their frugality by slashing salaries of public servants. (Public servants except Harry Thomas Jr., of course.) The White House has, apparently, decided that's gone on long enough. Civilian federal employees would get a .5 percent raise in fiscal year 2013 under President Barack Obama's proposed budget. Considering that stats out today showed that 12,000 public sector jobs vanished in the last month, chances are the country can afford it. And here in D.C., a raise for federal workers might help everyone. But since it's got to get through Congress first, we don't advise anyone start spending immediately. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 43 Today's score: -5 Friday bonus: +2 Today's Needle rating: 40

You're Not From Here, Are You?: Less than a year after the U.S. Census Bureau shocked everyone in the District with the news that the city's population had grown, by nearly 30,000 people, for the first time in 50 years, a new report came out today showing that no state (or "equivalent," as the District gets counted) grew as much as D.C. did since last year's count. More than 16,000 people moved here since 2010, which makes all the thousands of people who moved here after the 2008 election suddenly feel like smug, longtime residents. +2

Presidential Purchase: Like many Washingtonians, President Barack Obama often feels the need to head out to shopping malls in the suburbs to meet his basic retail needs. Unlike many Washingtonians, Obama has a motorcade with sirens and armored vehicles to help him get there without dealing with traffic. Stuck in D.C. waiting for Congress to extend a payroll tax cut while his wife and daughters are in Hawaii, Obama hit Potomac Yards with his dog, Bo. There, he bought some pet toys, some iTunes gift cards, and the Wii version of a game called "Just Dance 3." Which we certainly hope he's not planning on opening up and playing by himself while the kids are still out of town. +1

Cheetahs No Longer Anonymous: The inhabitants of the National Zoo keep on breeding like, well, animals. The latest cubs (born in Front Royal, Va., not in Woodley Park) belong to the zoo's cheetahs. Today, their names were announced, thanks to some crowd-sourcing through (and we are, actually, not making this up) cat meme site I Can Haz Cheezburger: Damisi and Ashaki, both of which come from Swahili. No word on whether the cheetahs have been set up with their own BuzzFeed account yet. +2

Daggers Drawn: Holiday travel can be stressful. Which may be why a passenger flying from National Airport to Chicago today was stopped with, according to authorities, a pair of throwing daggers hidden in a hollowed-out hardcover book; no one was going to step in front of him in the Potbelly line! The knives and book were confiscated. What title was used to hide the weapons hasn't been disclosed yet, alas. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 60 Today's score: +3 Today's Needle rating: 63

Via a pop-up ad on my laptop, I learned yesterday that the catchphrase for the Obama 2012 presidential campaign is still: "Are You In?"

Of course, Donovan McNabb, another guy from Chicago who swept into town on a platform of change and was handed the second-most important job in the Nation's Capital–Washington Redskins quarterback—was already the focus of a campaign using that same pitch.

The Redskins' "R You In?" blitz didn't work real good.

Since adopting the slogan, in fact, the team has lost more seats than congressional Democrats did in the mid-term elections: A reported 10,000 seats were ripped out of FedExField in the offseason.

And McNabb failed to energize the base and after just one term he was sent packing to make room for a guy from Brigham Young.

Uh oh.

Plotkin had no qualms about Gray’s remarks. “They were terrific,” he said — particularly the call to “implore” President Barack Obama and Congress to act on behalf of the District’s residents. “That was the appropriate word,” he said.

But in terms of the symbolism of the moment, Plotkin said, it fell short. That’s because the main guy Gray was imploring, Obama, wasn’t there with him. Gray’s welcome speech came early in the program, right after the invocation and before Obama and other dignitaries arrived. Obama, in fact, did not deliver his speech from the ceremonial rostrum that most speakers used; he spoke from a smaller podium next to the memorial itself.

“He’s got to do that when the president is sitting on the stage; he’s got to do that when he’s there,” Plotkin said. “I’m glad he said what he said; he used the right words. But the president has to be embarrassed by his silence and deliberate indifference.”

In other words, to pass the Plotkin test, Gray’s gotta say it to his face. Call him out. In public.

First, the first lady was spotted at an Alexandria Target store, skipping the Columbia Heights Target (which is only a short ride up from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave on the 16th Street s9 bus)—then, last night, the presidential couple celebrated their wedding anniversary at Alexandria's Restaurant Eve.

To be fair, we know the pair has eaten out in D.C. in the past, and considering only 37 percent of Americans think the president will be re-elected next year, maybe this is part of a strategy to show love to areas where, you know, votes actually count.

Photo by aschweigert via Flickr/Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License

The big story for political operatives and reporters yesterday was the back-and-forth between the White House and Republicans in Congress over when, exactly, President Barack Obama would head up to the Capitol to make a speech about getting the economy back on track that the Republicans in Congress would then ignore.

Obama had proposed delivering the speech next Wednesday night; the GOP objected, because their own would-be presidents will be debating that night in California, under the auspices of Politico and NBC News. A terrible conflict! (At least for the reporters and editors who don't have any choice but to pay attention to both events; since the speech is unlikely to do much to actually get more people employed, it's hard to get that worked up about when it happens or what else is going on at the same moment.) Fortunately for the future of the republic—as you already know if you didn't have the sense to ignore this preposterous story—the White House decided, once again, to do what House Speaker John Boehner wants, and the Obama speech will now be next Thursday night instead.

But the showdown did make us wonder about what other events here in D.C. might cause such consternation if they were scheduled at the same time. Below, as a public service, Washington City Paper presents a list of the top five scheduling conflicts to avoid. We must all do everything in our power to make sure none of these actually happen! The fate of the world is depending on it.

• Conflict: Washington Adult Kickball Association championship game scheduled for same time as D.C. Bocce league opening week.
• What Would Go Wrong: Supply of plastic cups runs dangerously short; lines to get into bars with rec-league-sponsored drink specials run dangerously long.

• Conflict: National Cupcake Day scheduled for same time as D.C. Tweed Ride.
• What Would Go Wrong: Alarming confluence of precious foods and/or outfits could disrupt the time/space continuum.

• Conflict: Metro escalator outage at same time as overactive Department of Public Works parking enforcement.
• What Would Go Wrong: Neighborhood email lists swamped with passive-aggressive posts about how inconvenienced members feel could potentially be the thing that finally brings down the Internet.

• Conflict: D.C. Triathlon scheduled for same time as Morning Joe taping.
• What Would Go Wrong: Former Mayor Adrian Fenty is fast, but not fast enough to swim, bike, run, and praise Wisconsin's union-busting Republican Gov. Scott Walker all at once.

• Conflict: Hurricane scheduled for same week as earthquake—again.
• What Would Go Wrong: Alas, Pat Collins might not make it through a second time.

Screengrab from YouTube

You Can Dance If You Want To: Future scholars of social movements may well look back on May 2011 as the month it became safe to dance. Because up to now, the U.S. Park Police arrests of dancers at the Jefferson Memorial was merely a funny story; all of a sudden, it's a political protest. More than 1,500 people have signed up on Facebook for a public dance-in next weekend, protesting the original arrests and this weekend's second round, which was also a protest of the first one and the court ruling upholding it. We just hope the jail storage facility has room for all those toe shoes. +2

Melt With You: Free advice for the White House or any Democrats hoping to put climate change deniers on the defensive: Schedule some hearings for this week. Record high temperatures swept the D.C. area today and are expected to stick around. Last summer, which broke all kinds of heat records, there weren't consecutive 95-degree days until late June; if this keeps up, going outside at all in August will be seriously ill-advised. Of course, the weather on any individual day doesn't have anything to do with climate. But since that point seems lost on the likes of James Inhofe, no reason not to take advantage of the confusion. -3

Stop the Presses: Along with mayoral advice on keeping pets cool, the heat wave managed to break the media. Power outages rolled around the vicinity of North Capitol Street, shutting down the CNN Washington bureau and Roll Call, where staffers were unable to edit or lay out the next issue of the paper. If such mighty news organizations can be brought down so easily, we fear for Howard Kurtz. -1

Think Different: The stereotype of the BlackBerry-addicted Hill staffer checking email from the bar late at night (mostly in a misguided attempt to impress fellow bar patrons with how important the staffer is) may soon have to change. Not too much, though; mobile email is still as popular as ever in D.C. It's just now it's increasingly likely to be Gmail, read from an iPhone. Don't expect to see Apple using images of federal bureaucrats in its marketing any time soon, but if footage of President Barack Obama using an iPad surfaces in Cupertino, Calif.-led ad campaign, it'll be a sure sign that his reelection bid is going pretty well. +1

Friday's Needle rating: 62 Today's score: -1 Today's Needle rating: 61

Outfoxed: When President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama went to Shiloh Baptist Church for Easter services, it should have been a boon for the Shaw house of worship—publicity is always nice, after all, and a presidential visit brings a lot of good publicity. And also, apparently, a lot of hate mail. After the Obamas visited, Fox News Channel's Sean Hannity apparently decided to make Shiloh Baptist's pastor, the Rev. Wallace Charles Smith, into the next Jeremiah Wright in the right-wing imagination. The church has now received death threats, faxes with monkey images, and vulgar phone calls. Happy Easter! -3

Twist and Shout: The horrific weather responsible for killing more than 100 people across the South moved through the D.C. region last night and today; tornadoes were spotted in Virginia and Maryland counties, and a watch extended over the entire area for most of the day. Mayor Vince Gray sent condolences on behalf of the District. If a tornado had devastated D.C., we don't think it would make us feel much better if the mayor of Huntsville, Ala., sent along a note. But it's always nice to be polite. -2

Mow the Lawn—Or Else: The smell of freshly cut grass isn't just a nice luxury in the summertime; starting this weekend, it's also mandatory. D.C. government officials can fine homeowners whose lawns reach heights of 10 inches or more up to $500. A few years ago, the District issued 1,400 citations. (Note: Mowing the Gray administration's "D.C. One City" slogan into the lawn, while encouraged, is technically optional.) +1

Trick or Tree: Meanwhile, though the city is quite careful to patrol your treatment of your lawn, it's not so good with its own flora. Casey Trees just gave the District a C for its tree care, dropping from last year's B- mostly because D.C. officials took $539,000 from a tree fund to cover budget shortfalls. The city's records have apparently lost track of 10,000 trees planted since 2002—so no one even knows whether they're alive. Or for that matter, if they were planted at all. Which reminds us of the famous Zen koan: If a tree is planted in the city, and no one writes it down, does it make a sound? -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 68 Today's score: -6 Today's Needle rating: 62

That's because the Examiner has now assigned two Maryland and Montgomery County reporters, Hayley Peterson and Brian Hughes, to alternate their coverage of the suburbs and Annapolis with coverage of the White House. When the paper's former White House reporter, Julie Mason, left to go to Politico, editors decided Barack Obama may as well be Ike Leggett.

"We decided that Hayley and Brian had been doing such a terrific job that they were ready to take on something bigger," says editor Stephen G. Smith. "We couldn't afford to take them both out of Maryland, and we need that local coverage... We just think it's really important to show that if people do well here, we don't have to go outside the paper to bring in people who succeed in important beats."

So one week, Peterson covers 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, and Hughes covers Maryland. The next week, they swap.

"This is not a temporary thing—this is the way we're filling the White House [beat]," Smith says. "We're not looking for a White House correspondent or anything like that."

Taking on a demanding beat with lots of breaking news and the need to build sources—like either Maryland or the White House—and juggling it with a completely different job that has no overlap sounds like a recipe for overstretched reporters. Having once covered suburbs (albeit in Philadelphia), and then later covered the White House, I told Smith it seemed like a tough assignment to do both at the same time. But Smith isn't worried: "We all figure that just reorienting to Maryland, you can't help but lose the thread a little bit. We understand that."

That's because, at the Examiner, they're dealing with a whole different caliber of reporter, Smith says. "Young reporters today are so far ahead of where I was when I came out of school, because they've done all these internships and worked for extremely good college papers," he tells me. In fact, once the school year ends, the Examiner will have another new reporter starting on the local staff, in part to help offset the time Peterson and Hughes are spending at the White House.

Some Examiner staffers, none of whom wanted to be quoted complaining about the paper, have been grumbling privately about the arrangement—which, despite Smith's explanation, seems like it has more to do with budgets than college internships. After all, why spend the money to hire—and pay—a new White House reporter when you can just throw someone else into the job part time? But it could wind up looking prescient, if Martin O'Malley runs for president one day.

Arbeit Macht High: Probably just about every day, some dopey American college student visiting Amsterdam stumbles into the Anne Frank House tripping their face off on mushrooms, only to discover that nothing harshes a buzz like genocide. (Years ago, this happened to some friends of ours, and if they're reading, we hope they're still ashamed.) A few Stafford County, Va., high school students on a field trip to the District learned the very same lesson yesterday, as two were taken to the hospital with a drug overdose while visiting the National Holocaust Museum. What would possess someone to get high before visiting the Holocaust Museum is hard to imagine, but remember: Just say no to drugs. And Nazis. -1

School's Out: Every kid has had the dream—they're on vacation, only to learn that their school has burned down and they never have to go back! It very nearly happened today for students at the Takoma Educational Center in Ward 4; a three-alarm fire seriously damaged the school, which was, fortunately, mostly empty, winter vacation having started earlier this week. And sorry, kiddos: You will probably go to some alternate location next month when you return to classes. -2

So Fresh, So Clean: Cross off yet another reason for your snooty New Yorker friends to look down on the District—online grocery delivery service FreshDirect is planning to expand to D.C. soon, challenging Giant's PeaPod service. The e-tailer is looking to raise $200 million to start operations here (most of which it will probably make back within a few weeks of delivering organic grass-fed brisket). Yeah, yeah, we know, the subway still runs all night and Metro doesn't. +3

Peace Out, Feds: Every national elected official from members of Congress to President Obama is clearing out of town, leaving just us locals around for the holidays—with a full 1/6 of the U.S. House skipping out on the final votes of the busy lame-duck session today. We don't want to stir up too much trouble, but it would be an opportune moment for Almost Mayor Vince Gray to stage a coup d'etat and occupy the White House as Obama heads to Hawaii. ¡Hasta la victoria siempre, D.C.! Let's seize those voting rights while we can! Or at least put the "taxation without representation" license plates on the presidential limo. +2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 57 Today's score: +2 Today's Needle rating: 59

But Does He Like Us, Like Us?: At one point during the mayoral primary, Vince Gray aides e-mailed around a photo of their man shaking hands with President Obama during a chance encounter at a Washington Mystics game. They can now update that with a new shot; Gray, the District's next mayor, joined Obama for lunch at the White House today. Afterwards, he told reporters Obama is a big fan of all things D.C. We'll believe Gray really has the president's ear when he gets Obama to go hand-dancing with him. +2

Four Loko Bubble: The next time you spot any Four Loko in the corner store, buy the whole supply. The caffeinated alcohol has now been banned in Baltimore and in Howard County, Md., which could mean cagey Washingtonians who corner the market on the stuff get rich off Marylanders looking to score some. Most likely, though, what it means is you'll have a lot of caffeinated alcohol sitting around your house; don't drink it all in one sitting, or–if even 25 percent of the alarming rhetoric about the drink is true—you will probably die. -1

Faster Phones: Happy news for frustrated pub quiz junkies around town—soon, you'll be able to cheat by Googling answers to trivia questions on your cell phone that much faster. Verizon Wireless announced today that its new 4G service will debut in D.C. and 37 other cities on Dec. 5. For now, though, Verizon doesn't actually sell any phones that can use the new technology. Still! The future is now! +1

Banned in D.C.: Republicans haven't even taken over the House yet, but they're already flexing their muscles, lambasting the National Portrait Gallery over Hide/Seek, an exhibit that deals with gay and lesbian identity in the arts. D.C. gallery Transformer has stepped in, though, to show the David Wojnarowicz video piece, A Fire in My Belly, that the Portrait Gallery yanked. Private enterprise, free from government interference—just what the GOP wants! +3

Yesterday's Needle rating: 46 Today's score: +5 First night of Hanukkah bonus: +2 Today's Needle rating: 53

Cash Rules Everything Around Me: The lesson the White House appears to have learned from this month's elections is that voters think people here make too much money. There's not a much better explanation for President Obama's decision to freeze pay for federal workers, since the difference it'll make in the deficit is miniscule. But every little bit of sacrifice counts, especially when the people doing the sacrificing live in the District, Maryland, and Virginia, not some Republican freshman's House district. -2

Bay Bucks: Sure, we all like the environment, and no one wants to eat polluted crabs. But fixing up the Chesapeake could also mean jobs for the region, a new report says. Which probably means someone will find a way to keep it from happening. +1

Protect Your Neck: Add a new alarming concern to your list of worries while riding Metro—that a fellow passenger might stab you in the neck as you exit the system. That's what happened to a man Sunday afternoon at the Georgia Avenue/Petworth stop on the Yellow and Green lines. Little information has been released about the incident; apparently, the whole region owes the Tea Party an apology. -1

Snow?: It's getting colder and colder out, which means it's almost time to panic about OHMYGODSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOW. Okay, sure, there's only a 20-30 percent chance on Sunday. Still! Go buy milk and toilet paper, just in case. +1

Put the Bandwagon Away: And just like that, the playoff talk (which shouldn't ever have started) is over. The Redskins lose to the Vikings, at home, 17-13. The good news: Next year's NFL draft isn't that far off. The bad news: The Redskins will probably trade away their picks in exchange for the rights to sign Jerry Rice. -2

Wednesday's Needle rating: 52 Today's score: -3 Today's Needle rating: 49

Penn, who was working for the Obama administration as a staffer until he quit in April to film another Harold and Kumar flick, earned himself some D.C. street cred when he was robbed at gunpoint later that month. The White House recently announced he'd be returning to the Office of Public Engagement as an associate director.

But is Penn glad to be back? He was sauntering the 1500 block of S Street NW at around 1:30 a.m. one night last spring, when, according to a police report, he was stripped of his valuables, including a BlackBerry and iPhone. City Desk asked him about the mugging via e-mail, and the celebrity shot back a message that indicated he couldn't talk about it. But he also seemed a little frustrated. "In terms of the robbery, my understanding is that since it’s an ongoing (albeit absurdly slow) investigation, I can’t comment on anything related to it at the moment," Penn wrote.

The "absurdly slow" investigation Penn is lamenting is being handled by the U.S. Attorney's Office. In June, City Desk has discovered, the Metropolitan Police Department arrested Marcellus Chambers for the mugging.

According to an arrest warrant,  the alleged stick-up man used Penn's bank card at "numerous locations along the Georgia Ave. NW corridor approximately an hour after the robbery." At one of those locations Chambers was caught on video. His license plate was also captured.

Later, cops tracked a signal from Penn's stolen iPhone to the "area of Warder and Otis Streets NW." But "due to a weak signal," they were unable to pinpoint the phone's exact location. It was in the proximity of Chambers' address in the 700 block of Quincy Street NW, however. Responding to a disorderly conduct call on that block several days later, cops happened upon Chambers, who was sitting in a Toyota Camry. They busted him.

About a month later, Penn was asked to identify Chambers in a photo array. But he couldn't be sure Chambers was the guy. "After viewing the array C1 stated, number 4 resembles the person who robbed me, without 100% certain[t]y," the MPD report says.

Arrested for robbery while armed, Chambers has been released on high-intensity supervision. No word yet on whether Penn ever got his iPhone back.

Update: U.S. Attorney's Office spokesperson William Miller says he declines comment on the specifics of the case because it remains pending and the investigation is continuing, but says his office "has missed no deadlines and is well within legal timelines."

Photo by SAITOR, Creative Commons Attribution License