One more reason Opening Day in Baltimore beat the crap outta Opening Day in D.C.: Kegasus went to Camden Yards!

More photos after the jump!

(Shots of Kegasus courtesy of the Maryland Jockey Club)

The Newlyweds' Game: Opening Day 2011 at Camden Yards. (Photo courtesy Scott and Rebecca Zakheim)

For the four-bagger print edition of Washington City Paper, I wrote this week about Opening Day. I'm old enough to know that Opening Day around here, like everything else everywhere else, used to be better.

I got the sense that nobody in D.C. cared about Opening Day this year.

Nationals brass I spoke with say my perception is wrong, and that they were happy with both the ticket sales to the first game of 2011 and with the actual turnout.

I dunno 'bout that.

Perhaps my perception was distorted by the dreary weather here last week and all those stories the liberal media printed about how tickets to the Nationals/Braves game were going for nothing.

But using a proven and scientific method I refer to as "surfing over to Craigslist a whole lot," I'd been following the movement of tickets for the openers here and in Baltimore.

My conclusion from all this exacting research was there was a much huger buzz about the O's game than the Nats' opener before raindrops or sunny days were forecast, respectively, here and to the North.

And I never came across any Craigslist ad for Nats tickets quite like the one placed by O's fan Scott Zakheim.

Zakheim knew for a while he was getting married on Sunday at a hotel in the Inner Harbor. He also knew that he wanted to take his new bride and fellow O's fanatic, Rebecca, to Opening Day at Camden Yards. But as the big day — the game, not the wedding — drew closer, Zakheim began thinking it might not happen.

"I jump on StubHub and Craigslist and all I can find is Standing-Room only for $75 a pop or lower level on the baselines for something like $275 a pop. Insane!" Scott tells me. "I tried making some last ditch calls to some family connections and to a friend of mine who is a broker in NYC. Nothing. $65 for SRO. $250 plus down low."

So Zakheim did what any real fan would do in his situation: He played the nuptials card.

“Bride and Groom Need Opening Day Tickets,” his Craigslist ad said. “Got married yesterday in downtown. Want to go to Opening Day to celebrate!!! Will take anything – uppers or lowers. Budget is 100-150.”

And, a scalper responded and, Gandhi-like, turned down bigger profits and sold the couple a pair in section 334, row 12, for $150.

"I think these seats were going for $100-$125 on Craigslist and probably pushing $150 each on the ground at Camden," he says. "It was a little wedding miracle."

Would anybody go to those lengths to see a Nats game?

Brandon Snyder

Five years and some change since signing a million-dollar deal with the Orioles right out of Westfield High School, the onetime Can't Miss Kid from Centreville got his first hit with the big club last night at Camden Yards. It was Snyder's second start at first base after a week and a half of sitting the bench since being called up from the Triple A affiliate in Norfolk.

First time I saw Snyder play, he was a 12 year old with the Rockies of the Southwestern Youth Association's Major League division. He hit .796 for the season.

After last night, Snyder is now hitting .167 (1-for-6) in the grownups' Major League.

My friend Don Hartline was at the game in Baltimore and reports that Snyder's big hit was actually "a dribbler to third that he ran out." Looks like a line drive in the box score.

And, really: So what? He's a Major Leaguer.

Big week for Ron Weber.

First, the Hockey Hall of Fame announced that Weber, the original Washington Capitals play-by-play man, had been given something called the Foster Hewitt Memorial Award "for outstanding contributions as a hockey broadcaster."

And, then Weber makes Leonard "Saved By Lists!" Shapiro's roster of the Top 10 sportsradio personalities in this market.

Shapiro's list is pretty good: Johnny Holliday, Shapiro's No. 1, is such a fixture and so beloved he's a bulletproof selection. (Awesome trivia about Johnny Holliday: He introduced the Beatles at their last live gig, in August 1966 in San Francisco, then a couple years later moved to D.C. to be the announcer for the Washington Capitols of the ABA, a team that played in Uline Arena, the same venue where the Beatles had played their FIRST live gig in the USA in February 1964. Awesomer trivia about Holliday: While announcing the ABA games, Holliday's roommates in a Connecticut Ave. apartment were Rick Barry and future vagabond coach Larry Brown.)

But, like any good list, Shapiro gives everybody something to quibble about. His inclusion of the Sports Junkies shows he's just going for Web hits, considering he's made slamming the WJFK morning hosts a personal crusade for a decade. And, by God, he should have included Jon Miller, who before he became an ESPN superstar was the longtime announcer of DC's baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles.

There's never been an announcer here or anywhere who could match Miller's brilliance. Take this, from Sports Illustrated's 1991 account of the game he called at Memorial Stadium with Queen Elizabeth attending:

No one offered Queen Elizabeth a plug of Red Man or even a chunk of Bazooka when she attended her first major league game this May at Baltimore's Memorial Stadium. Some O's fans, ignoring her royal presence, shouted barnyard epithets at the umpire. Others, Irish Republican Army sympathizers, displayed their awareness of her presence on hand-lettered placards in the bleachers—reading, among other things, BRITS OUT OF IRELAND. So it was left to Jon Miller, the Orioles' radio announcer, to celebrate Her Majesty's attendance by invoking Shakespeare. "The queen of England  is at the game today," he told his listeners. "But that doesn't mean we're going to call it any differently."

Then, copping a couple of lines from Romeo and Juliet, he added, "It's just two baseball teams, both alike in dignity, in fair Baltimore, where we lay our scene."

When Oakland A's leadoff man Rickey Henderson let a pitch go by for a called strike, Miller paraphrased Lady Macbeth: "It was the umpire that shrieked, the fatal bellman, which gives the sternest goodnight."

When Henderson had an opportunity to steal a base, Miller quoted Malcolm in Macbeth: "Let us not be dainty of leave-taking, but shift away. There's warrant in that theft which steals itself when there's no mercy left."

The queen occasionally looked perplexed, though not because of these and other "British Monarchy Moments" Miller inserted into his play-by-play. "I was just trying to get her to come on the air with me," says Miller. "I was hoping she'd come up and read the Esskay Meats out-of-town scoreboard."

And any list that includes Sonny, Sam and Frank and Weber has to have Miller. He was huge in this market from 1983 to 1996, when Angelos dumped him the way Dan Snyder dumped Frank Herzog. Neither team has recovered from those moves.

But back to Weber: Awesome trivia about him: He's not only the original Caps announcer, but he's also the ONLY former Caps announcer. The franchise has had only two play-by-play men in their 36 seasons: Weber went from Day One in 1973 to 1997; Steve Kolbe's been there ever since. Kolbe didn't make Shapiro's list.

But how 'bout Shapiro?

The veteran Washington Post writer, who was banished to a digital-only existence by the paper a while ago, hadn't been heard from since he blamed Sean Taylor's lifestyle for getting him murdered. (Shapiro's column inspired former Washington Times basketball writer John Mitchell to go on WOL to call Shapiro both a “racist, conniving skunk” and a “racist, conniving dog of a skunk." Mitchell was suspended for the Shapiro rant.)

But now, two weeks in a row, Shapiro's inspired water-cooler conversation and made waves with his media column. Last week he went over history's Top 10 TV sportscasters in this market.

For all his media hatred, Dan Snyder stuffs his staff with media people. Karl Swanson was in newspapers. Larry Michael was a radio executive. Even Vinny Cerrato came back to the team after a stint at ESPN, where he spent a season in exile after being banished by Marty Schottenheimer (who looks more like Vince Lombardi every season for what he accomplished here.)

Turns out the latest attack dog added to Snyder's pack, David Donovan, fits the pattern. Donovan's complete lack of respect for the media or the truth or both comes out every time he talks to a reporter these days. For but one example of Donovan's outlook: He's the guy who told the Washington Post a couple weeks ago that Redskins officials "don't see any difference" in "the way our actual fans are behaving" this season.

But, there was a time when Donovan was way into newspapering. It was all spelled out in a 2007 feature story in the Daily Times Herald of Carroll, Iowa, his hometown, to honor the local boy made good when he took the job as General Counsel with the Redskins.

Make that the local paperboy made good.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Iowa State gave DC David Donovan AND Vinny Cerrato? What did DC ever do to Iowa State to deserve that? Why did David Donovan join the dark side leave journalism? Snyder's media appearance starting to smell fishy? Ripken statue stolen by guy named Stoneburner who hangs out with a bunch of stoneburners?)

"As a youth David worked as a paperboy here at the Daily Times Herald and also spent time in this newspaper's circulation department," we're told.

And then we learn that Donovan was editor of The Charger, the student newspaper at Kuemper Catholic High School in Carroll.

And that at Iowa State University, his alma mater (and also Vinny Cerrato's alma mater, hmmmm), Donovan got his degree in journalism. And when his college schedule allowed, Donovan interned at the Daily Times Herald "covering general news and sports under the tutelage of former Sports Editor Dennis O'Grady."

He was dead set on being a newspaper man.

After ISU, Donovan headed to Florida with no assurances of landing a job, and no firm prospects.

"I moved to St. Petersburg and went to every newspaper in the area," Donovan said.

Only hours away from having to scuttle his journalistic plans and work in a warehouse so he could eat, Donovan talked his way into a copy-editing job at the St. Petersburg Times – widely regarded today as one of the best newspapers in the nation.  Soon, at only age 22, Donovan moved to the Sarasota Journal, a small, 6,000-circulation afternoon paper affiliated with a larger daily.

Then Donovan married a newspaperwoman. And when he got accepted to Georgetown University Law School, he enrolled, but only because he thought a J.D. would help his newspaper career!

He said that during law school it was his intent to use the legal education to further a journalism career.

"I went to law school without any expectations of practicing law," Donovan said.

But, alas, Donovan was a good law student. And during his early days as a practicing attorney, we learn from the story, Donovan had the epiphany that caused to him to give up journalism, and, from the sound of things lately, lose all respect for those who practice it.

"As a reporter, when you call people, they can hang up," Donovan told the Carroll Daily Times Herald. "When you're a lawyer and someone doesn't talk, you can send a subpoena."

What a line! Kinda removes the mystery about who at Redskins Park was behind suing the grandmother.

***

That "rare in-season" media appearance by Dan Snyder on Tuesday at a team-organized charity event is starting to smell.

The only TV person on the scene was Lindsay Czarniak. She's with WRC-4.

Here's a list, taken from a transcript of what Snyder said that was printed on Snyder's website, of all the questions Czarniak asked, in order:

1)What does this mean to you, to be able to be out here?

2)Does it mean something special to get the cheers out there? Is it a refreshing feeling for once?

3)One thing I wanted to ask you, Dan, is about some of the negativity that has been around this team. When you look at things like the ticket controversy and then the signs being banned, does it feel like being out here and getting a chance to turn things around, where do you stand on that stuff?

4)You're human. How does it impact you?

5)People look at you and see the uber-Redskins fan. What are your thoughts about what's going on with this team?

7)What do you need from here on out? What's the next step for you?

Good golly. "You're human!" "People look at you and see the uber Redskins fan"? "What do you need?"

These are the sort of questions you'd think only somebody on the payroll would ask! I mean, only somebody who would wear licensed Redskins shirts on the air would say that!

Oh, wait! Czarniak is an employee of Snyder's Redskins Broadcast Network who talks about the Redskins while wearing licensed Redskins shirts on WRC's news broadcasts! Coincidence?

And now Pro Football Talk reports that the announcement the Redskins put out about the team's charity event, held at a Maryland high school, didn't mention that Snyder would be talking.

So all the newspaper people stayed away, except AP's Joseph White, who didn't get any questions in. And all the local TV reporters stayed away, except Czarniak. And Snyder only talked to Czarniak, who's on Snyder's payroll! And who asks how's he feeling and tells him he's "human" and the "uber-Redskins fan!"

Wow. 'Course, if it wasn't for Czarniak's Redskins employment and licensed wardrobe, nobody's suspect a thing.

***

One of Cal Ripken's statuenappers 'fessed up and was sentenced. Jason Stoneburner, who from the sound of things is a real stoneburner, got a suspended two years jail term and restitution to the Baltimore Orioles of about a thousand bucks. Seems fair.

Now he'll surely have to go state's evidence against the three other stoneburners (including Gary Parker, pictured above) who allegedly helped him rip Ripken's statue  — which, contrary to his reputation as an Iron Man, was made of aluminum — from its moorings at Camden Yards one September night.

The crew, all in their upper teens, threw Ripken in the back of their pickup before heading over to Patterson Park for one last round of, you know, stoneburning before lawmen got involved and saved Baltimore's favorite son.

***

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$30?

For generational reasons, I'm still skeptical of peanut allergies, though the concept of paying $30 for a Nats ticket to keep a kid away from peanuts makes me feel disoriented and clammy.  (Full disclosure: I brought a huge bag of Safeway bulk peanuts into last Saturday's game at Nationals Park. My row looked like a Superfund site by the fifth inning, there was so much legume-ish debris.)

***

DC United used some of its Real Madrid money to buy newspaper ads pumping up the championship match of the U.S. Open Cup.

Kevin Payne, United's president and CEO, signed a letter that took up a full-page of the Washington Post and was also posted on the web at wewintrophies.com, a site registered and created in July by DC United.

Payne builds up the tournament, which he calls "prestigious," and demonizes the opposition, the expansion Seattle Sounders, while challenging local fans to show up.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Who's betting on D.C. United? Team USA 100-1 in World Cup? Was Gov. Sanford hiking in Iraq? Brandon Snyder is playing like Brandon Snyder?)

Portions of Payne's missive:

"On September 2, at 7:30 p.m. at RFK Stadium, we will try to add a 13th title to the D.C. United trophy case when we defend our championship in the prestigious Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup, a competition which began in 1914.

The Sounders, and its fans, have said that Washington, D.C. and its fans do not deserve to host the match at RFK. They insisted the match should be played in Seattle...

And now, after 14 trophy-filled seasons, it is time for our fans – for all D.C. area sports fans – to remind everyone who the best sports fans in the country are.

I know not all of you are D.C. United fans. Many of you aren’t even soccer fans, but a challenge has been issued and we expect all sports fans in D.C. to meet it."

The U.S. Open Cup is old, but "prestigious"? United's last three opponents on the way to the finals: the Ocean City (N.J.) Barons, the Harrisburg (Pa.) City Islanders, and the Rochester (N.Y.) Rhinos.

Not exactly murderers row.

"Prestigious"? I'd bet most players on United's roster had never heard of the tournament 'til they played in it.

Speaking of United and betting: Payne is also liberally quoted in a story posted yesterday on online-casinos.com, a gambling web site. Payne shows up on the site's news page, in a story titled "Online Gambling on Soccer in the USA Surging."

The evidence used to support the headline's claim is attendance at the DC United/Real Madrid match, which has nothing to do with betting figures. And you can tell from Payne's quotes that his words were lifted from another news story and taken totally out of context — he makes no reference to gambling.

But, a smart guy like Payne surely knows that if soccer's ever going to go mainstream in this country, it's not going to be because of rivalries like DC United/Seattle Sounders.

It's going to be because people are betting on it.

(BTW: The online-casinos.com story also lists the US team's odds of winning next year's World Cup, which in some circles is even more "prestigious" than the U.S. Open Cup, at 100-1. Spain and Brazil are 4.5-1.)

***

On "Meet the Press" Sunday, host David Gregory brought up the three American "tourists" being held in Iran. They were arrested after being found "hiking along the Iran/Iraq border."

Who believes this crap? The usual excuse in these State Department border-crossing debacles — that the hikers somehow accidentally crossed the wrong border — doesn't sound much better, since it would still mean they intended to vacation in Iraq.

Please.

Sounds fishy to me. Either the story's bogus, or the tour guide was Gov. Rick Sanford, who tried to hike the Appalachian Trail all the way to Argentina.

***

Brandon Snyder of Westfield High moved a step closer to his cup of coffee. Snyder, playing for the Baltimore Orioles' Triple A affiliate, the Norfolk Tides, was named the batter of the week in the International League for last week.

Snyder, 22, was the Orioles first round pick, and 13th pick overall, in the 2005 baseball draft. He's been injured way too much, but is having a season that keeps hope alive that he'll live up to early billing. He started the year in Bowie and was promoted to AAA last month. Snyder hit .500 for the week, and .421 for the Tides' last 10 games.

The 22-year-old infielder batted .500 (12-for-24) with four RBIs and five runs scored in six games during the week. Snyder struggled initially after being promoted to the Tides in June, but he is hitting .421 with nine RBIs in his past 10 games. He comes from a baseball family: His dad, Brian Snyder, briefly pitched in the majors for Seattle and Oakland, and twin brothers Matt & Mike Snyder both play for Ole Miss. The twins spent the summer playing for the Carney Pirates in the local Clark Griffith League.

I saw Brandon Snyder hit a game-winning home run in the last inning of a Little League championship game in Chantilly when he was 12.

The further he goes, the longer I get to keep telling that story!

***

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Lalich transferred to Oregon as soon as his run in Charlottesville went to hell, and, because of some weird quirk having something to do with his new school being on a quarter system and not semesters, he'll be eligible to play this season.

If the punishment schedule announced last year still holds, Lalich should get his drivers license back this week from Virginia authorities. It makes sense that Lalich would be on a practice field this time of year, but... Why isn't he in Oregon?

***

Another formerly local athlete in some legal heat, and not dealing real well with it: Antonio Pierce, the ex-Redskins linebacker turned Giant person of interest in the Plaxico Burress thigh blast case, is making enemies with his tweets.

(AFTER THE JUMP: Examiner column calls out Duds? Godly folks are coming after the racist Redskins? Who says Cal Ripken and/or Eddie Murray were juiced? FedExField also sucks for things other than football games? Jeremy Mayfield called his stepmomma THAT? Van Pelt goes for big bucks, but Czarniak goes bid-less?)

After testifying before a grand jury, Pierce, who could face weapons charges of his own, twatted: "sometimes u have to Draw a line in the Stand and see what side PEOPLE are on.. Well damn heres the Line!!...A coward dies many deaths but a soldier only dies ONCE!!"

Let others say Pierce's behavior here is off — The New York Post called him "Tweet-le Dum Dum" — but he had me at "line in the Stand"...

***

John Keim at the Examiner has a nice addition to his paper's Skins coverage: the "Studs and Duds" column. At the end of each day of practice, Keim calls out folks who make plays, and those who mistakes. Sure, it's impossible to watch everything that goes on during workouts, so Keim misses at least half the big plays and half the, well, duds. But call-out columns make things interesting. If a guy screws up in practice, why not write about it? Don't say he's mean to his mother or he's a dog killer (unless it's, well, you know) ! Just say he blew this or that. I read every day.

***

The roots don't get any grassier: A religious group in Delaware has made changing the name of the Redskins a top priority. The Peninsula-Delaware Conference of the United Methodist Church, which represents 464 churches and claims about 100,000 congregants, has stopped using FedEx's package delivery services becuase that company is a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins. There are tentative plans to hold rallies at Redskins games this season, also. The team's name is "racially demeaning," church leaders explained in announcing the FedEx boycott. I always love to hear folks argue the other side of this issue, since, well, there isn't another side.

***

'Course, the racist team name isn't the only reason some folks stay away from FedExField. In fact, FedExField all by itself gives more fans the motivation to stay home. Venue-related problems during Paul McCartney's appearance on Saturday added to the stadium's shitty legend.

Real Madrid shows up this weekend!

***

Road to Ripken™ Update: ESPN quoted Jose Canseco, the Deep Throat of the Dead Balls Era, as saying that the Hall of Fame has at least one P.E.D.-ophile.

Canseco didn't drop the name, however.

We know by now that everything Canseco says is proven true after a brief delay. So who slipped through the cracks at Cooperstown? A blog post about Canseco's statements at USA Today's website generated more guesses about famous former Orioles — Eddie Murray and Cal Ripken, specifically — than those from any other team.

So, come on, Cal. Confess. Say you used 'roids. Even if you didn't. Then we can all move on. The game needs you!

***

Feeling sorry for yourself? Yeah, me too!

So, together let's mull the State of Jeremy Mayfield. First NASCAR kicked him off the track for allegedly testing positive for methamphetamine after a race in Richmond. Then he went public saying he'd ever used the drug. Must be cold medicine, he said. Then NASCAR said "Oh Really?" and released the results of ANOTHER recent test where Mayfield's pee pee was allegedly tainted. He's still claiming a frame job, but he's done on the track. And now his stepmother has sued him for saying, "She's basically a whore. She shot and killed my dad."

I'm no F. Lee Bailey, but I think his "basically"'s like my"allegedly" here.

***

Bobblehead Update: The Scott Van Pelt bobblehead twins, from a Bowie Baysox giveaway, just sold for $88 plus postage on eBay. The auction of Lindsay Czarniak's 'head, a 2008 Baysox freebie, ends today at around 11:30 a.m. The creepy vendor is asking about $70. So far, alas, Czarniak has gotten no bids.

***

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The piece has some likely suspects — David Geffen and Google, among them.

But the most intriguing and, for us locals, scariest of the alleged Times takeoverers?

Howard Milstein.

Yes, THAT Howard Milstein.

The Howard Milstein who a decade ago tried to buy the Redskins at the Jack Kent Cooke estate sale! The Howard Milstein who brought Dan Snyder into the fold to give him the local color he thought would get him approved! The Howard Milstein who had too many enemies at NFL headquarters and got kicked out of the buying process! The Howard Milstein who then stepped aside and watched as his former partner took over the buying process!

THE HOWARD MILSTEIN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR DAN SNYDER OWNING THE REDSKINS!

Whew.

According to the Fortune piece, Milstein, identified simply as "a New York-based financier," has been "buying shares" of NY Times stock.

Run for your lives, New York Times readers!

Or, maybe, just renew your subscription and give subscriptions to all your relatives so the Sulzbergers don't have to sell.

Just don't say we didn't warn you...

***

Those streaky Nationals are at it again!

Ryan Zimmerman's hitting skein ended at 30, but the team has picked up where the Face of the Franchise (is that a compliment any more?) left off: The Nats haven't won since Zimmerman's streak stopped, and go for their sixth loss in a row tonight against Pittsburgh.

Back to feel-good streaks: Tonight the Nats will start Shairon Martis, who is 5-0 (really!) and will have to arm wrestle Zimmerman for the team's one set-aside slot at the All-Star game.

***

At Pimlico on Friday I ran into the RoboVendor, Perry Hahn. He was at the track selling Black Eyed Susans by the tray on Black Eyed Susan Day.

Hahn is up there with the most fascinating folks I've ever come across in my years of typing. He got a mechanical engineering degree from Maryland, but has devoted his working life to vending mostly beer at mostly sporting events.

Hahn was planning on going to the Nationals game that night after racing, and he had worked the Nats game a day earlier. He travels the country for Super Bowls and rock festivals and anywhere else a dispenser for hire is needed.

"I'm averaging more than one event per day now," says Hahn, 47.

Hahn is much more than merely a workaholic alcohol vendor, however.

In the early 1990s, back when stadiums sold beer in cans but wouldn't let customers keep the cans, Hahn decided to put his engineering brains to work. He designed what the US Patent and Trademark Office calls a "Tandem High Speed Can Opener," as well as U.S. Patent  #5,228,203. The gadget rips the tops off of two beer cans simultaneously and in a nano-second, which eliminates the need to flip the flip-tops and allows the beer man to empty the beer into cups in no time flat.

Hahn told me back in the day he could open and pour a case of beer cans in one minute.

Fans at Camden Yards noticed him wearing the battery-powered mechanical device on his wrist and dubbed him RoboVendor. Most stadiums have gone to selling plastic bottles, and Hahn designed another machine to twist the caps off of two bottles at a time.

I asked him the other day what his biggest vending day ever was, and, while he didn't give me a dollar figure, he did say it came at a Harley Davidson party in Milwaukee.

(By bizarre coincidence, I'm pretty sure the pair of hands selling beers in the Washington Post's slide show of Saturday's Preakness, with a contraption attached, belong to my guy Perry Hahn! See for yourself — photo #4 in the sequence.)

***

The NBA's draft lottery is tonight.

The Wizards, with the second worst record in the league, have a 17.8 chance of getting the number one overall pick. If they get it, we'll talk even more about Kwame Brown.

For all the badmouthing Brown gets around here — he's Heath Shuler in shorts and no helmet, essentially — he's still in the league, with Detroit. And he averaged 17 minutes and five rebounds a game this season, so he'll be back somewhere.

Can you be rightly called a bust if you last nine years?

***

My hero Robin Ficker is running for office today in the race for the District 4 seat on the Montgomery County council.

His politics are as odd as his antics at the old Capital Centre, but I'm pulling for Ficker. If he gets in, he'll do enough wacky stuff to fill several columns.

If it was really a race and these folks really ran, Ficker wins, no problem. He still runs up and down the Cole Field House steps a few times a week to stay in shape.

He can even run there on Sundays now that he's dumped his Redskins season tickets.

***

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First off: Ted Leonsis somehow wasn't included among hockey's best. If there's ever been a more beloved sports owner in this town than Leonsis circa 2009, I can't remember him.

Hard to believe it's only been five years since Leonsis was brawling with home fans at Caps game, eh?

But he was. Days after he unloaded Jaromir Jagr and his $11 million salary to the Rangers in January 2004 in the midst of a talent purge, a 20-year-old season ticket holder named Jason Hammer brought a sign to the then-MCI Center that said "Caps Hockey, AOL Stock — See a Pattern?"

Hammer sat among a group of fans heckling the owner, and waved the placard at Leonsis throughout the game. Leonsis got so incited he went after the kid in the concourse after the final horn. The account of the incident in the Washington Post said Leonsis "grabbed [Hammer] by the neck and threw him to the ground."

The only things wounded during the melee, however, were Leonsis' public image and his wallet. Leonsis was fined $100,000 and suspended for a week by the NHL, made up quickly with the kid (without any litigation), and the talent purge worked out fabulously for his team: The Capitals went to the bottom of the league gave them the draft pick used to get Alex Ovechkin.

And, once again, Leonsis is beloved. The diehardest New York Rangers fan I know around here has become a Caps fan after, he, too, fell for Leonsis.

How could Sports Illustrated leave Leonsis off the list?

***

Now to the other side: Dan Snyder came in at No. 3 on roster of bad football owners. Nothing man-bites-dog about that. Snyder is to these shitlists like Meryl Streep is to Oscar nominations. Of COURSE he's gonna be named! But it's gotta burn Snyder that Steve Bisciotti from just up I-95 made the "best" list. Kinda mutes the "Give Mr. Snyder time to learn how to be a good owner!" defense.

***

The Lerners came in at No. 5 among baseball's worst, but only because they're new owners. With the non-rent paying, non-draft-pick-signing brilliance they flaunted last season, the Lerners clearly have what it takes to supplant the No. 1 bad guy, Peter Angelos, on future SI polls.

***

If soccer was considered a major enough sport by Sports Illustrated, DC would have been a cinch for that sport's lousy owner list, too.

It's clear now that DC United's Victor MacFarlane, a San Francisco-based developer, only bought into the holding group that controls the team so he could get some building deals here.

That ain't happened yet, and looks like it won't ever. And United management's public whining is getting really irksome. Take it inside, guys.

***

One last SI List bit: Mark Cuban came in as the third best basketball owner in the land. If the SI issue had been published a week later, given what happened in the Dallas/Denver game a few days ago, no way the Mavericks boss makes the cut.

Awesome Trivia about Mark Cuban: He was a massive stockholder in Six Flags, and promoted Snyder's takeover of the company.

This from BusinessWeek in early 2006, shortly after Snyder's Six Flags coup:

Another investor, tech billionaire Mark Cuban, is cheering Six Flags almost as loudly as he does his Dallas Mavericks. "They've shown they know how to create great entertainment," Cuban writes about Snyder and [CEO Mark] Shapiro in an e-mail.

Buh huh huh huh...

***

Happy 30th to Ryan Zimmerman. When you're chasing DiMaggio, life begins at 30...

***

Cheerios are in trouble with the federal government. The feds sent General Mills a letter telling them to stop saying in advertising that the cereal "can Lower Your Cholesterol" and can cure cancer.

So how long before The Man goes after Snyder for his latest direct mail campaign to sell tickets? Snyder's marketing mailer claims season ticket holders can "Resell your tickets at a profit via StubHub for any game you are unable to attend!”

Bah. Not with 91,000 seats and an average of less than 8 wins since Snyder took over in 1999.

Snyder's ads also say buying season tickets for the Redskins is a "once in a lifetime opportunity."

Sure it is...in Opposite Land!

But in the real world, given how demand for Skins tickets has sunk, the only way it's a once in a lifetime opportunity is if you don't eat enough Cheerios and your cholesterol level and/or cancer prevent you from sticking around till next season.

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The Wizards (remember them?) left an impression on somebody. Or maybe a bruise. An Akron paper praises the noble way Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers are winning, while putting forth the Washington Wizards as Goofus to James' Gallant. James gets kudos for "never resorting" to the roughhouse tactics opponents tried last year, "when DeShawn Stevenson took a vicious swing at James' head as he went for a layup."

At least somebody's talking about the Wizards. Just not around here.

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Awesome Capitals trivia about play-by-play man Steve Kolbe: The franchise has had only two play-by-play announcers in its long history, Ron Weber (1974-1997) and Kolbe (1997-).

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Speaking of consistency: Awesome trivia about the Redskins: During the offseason, the Skins have now signed Jaison Williams, Mike Williams, Roydell Williams, Eddie Williams and Edwin Williams.

After reading yesterday's Washington Post opus on local-product Edwin "Don't Call Me Eddie" Williams's family's drug problems (we're told his folks "traveled up and down the East Coast in search of cocaine." Really? Why? Did DC run out?), I'm pretty sure everybody named Williams has a hard-luck tale.

Me, I'm rooting hardest for Mike Williams, who used to weigh 400 pounds. He's on a biggest-loser style weight loss plan, I learned in a previous installment from the paper's series, Opuses on Guys Named Williams and Their Hard-Luck Tales.

Too bad, cuz if Big Mike wasn't watching his waist he and his new teammates could open a burger joint and name it, um, how 'bout Five Guys Named Williams? (Mark Moseley wouldn't dare sue fellow Skins!) The team also has four Smiths, three Thomases and two Montgomerys.

But just one Vinny!

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Awesome trivia about the new Detroit mayor, Dave Bing:

Only one high school in the U.S., public or private, put two alums on the NBA's 50 Greatest roster when it was released in 1996: Spingarn High, which produced Elgin Baylor (Class of '54) and Bing (Class of '62).

Great as Bing was, the Detroit Pistons had to throw in a future No. 1 draft choice before Abe Pollin would take Bing and send Bullets guard Kevin Porter to Motown in 1975.

That trade, which Pollin always regretted, was part of the reason that the Bullets made EIGHT (8!) first round picks in the 1975-1978 NBA drafts.

And all but two of those first-rounders (Kevin Grevey in '75 and Greg Ballard in '77) were huge busts. Tom Kropp or Roger Phegley, anybody?

The Kwame Brown pick's Tom Brady next to those guys'!

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Maybe what Peter Angelos meant was: The Baltimore/Washington market isn't big enough to support the two worst teams in baseball.

The Nats (7-18-1) went into last night's worst-vs.-first battle with the Dodgers in first place in the race for the top pick in next year's MLB draft by several lengths. The O's (10-17) were only 2.5 games behind.

Consumer question: Since Tuesday's tie with the Astros will be broken in Houston, do DC fans who suffered through the sister-kisser get a rain check?

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Speaking of no-win situations: DC United tied KC, 1-1. If United had to give out refunds after every push, they'd be broke.

Err, broker: The team has organized still another rally in which fans will be following management's orders and demanding a new stadium. From anybody.

The, um, festivities will kick off Saturday at 3:30 p.m. at Lincoln Park. To ensure somebody shows up, the team will provide bus service from RFK to the rally.

Are you gonna be listening, PG County? How 'bout you, soccer-mad MoCo? Richmond? St. Louis?

No?

None of ya?

Et tu, DC?

Dangit.

Man o man o, is all that slamming of Mayor Fenty gonna haunt this team! (But anybody who was at the United game YEARS AGO when Fenty got on the RFK PA and promised everybody there he'd get 'em a new soccer stadium can show up at the rally without guilt or irony!)

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Speaking of teams that threatened to leave DC for PG but, get this, ACTUALLY PULLED IT OFF: Get on the DC Divas bandwagon now!

The Divas are 3-0 and had outscored the opposition 95-0 before giving up a TD in garbage time of last weekend's 27-7 win over visiting Pittsburgh. The Sup-Her Bowl trophy is all but in the bag.

Clearly, the input of Assistant General Manager Brian Mitchell is paying off.

After a bye this weekend, the Divas travel to NY to face the Sharks next week.

But every real sports fan in the market already knew that...

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