Inspect Yourself: Free booze is not, apparently, one of the perks of being a liquor regulator in D.C. So say Alcoholic Beverage Control officials, who suspended investigator Jermaine Matthews for allegedly accepting two comped bottles of Ciroc vodka and two comped bottles of Ciroc Peach last week at upscale lounge Josephine, where a waitress says she was attacked by a customer without Matthews doing anything. Thanks to the ludicrous markup for table service in nightclubs, that's nearly $1,300 worth of liquor. Matthews says he didn't take anything, because he was working, but industry types tell the Post giving free booze to the liquor patrol is de rigeur. Hey, it worked for Nucky Thompson. -2

Where The Streetcar Ends: Taking the planned streetcar to Union Station will give you a good workout. New plans out show the "connection" between Metro and the car line will involve walking several blocks, because the design everyone assumed the system would take got nixed by Amtrak officials. Maybe next time, the city should hold off on announcing new transit systems until things like "where does it run from" and "where does it run to" have been resolved? -3

Tacos Are Back: Every Thursday, Washington City Paper staffers have an editorial meeting to plan stories for the next week. And up until this fall, every Thursday, the meeting would be followed by a pilgrimage up the block to Unity Park, where a market of vendors selling foods from Latin America drew a decent crowd for cheap, good lunches three days a week. The market got kicked out in September, but it's now back, in Columbia Heights—and with longer hours and more days open. ¡Que sabroso! +3

The King: Sure, Alex Ovechkin may be playing badly, and the Washington Capitals may be slumping as a result. That doesn't seem to have fazed Russian tennis pro Maria Kirilenko, who the hockey star announced via a Twitter post he's dating. The post included a photo of the two of them with Ovechkin wearing a t-shirt reading, "It's Good to be the King." Great, great, we're happy you're happy. Now get back to scoring goals, King Alex. -1

Yesterday's Needle rating: 70 Today's score: -3 Today's Needle rating: 67

I'm not ready to say he wouldn't've, either.

Jagr was once to Leonsis and the Washington Capitals as Albert Haynesworth was last season to Dan Snyder and the Washington Redskins — the highest paid and surliest player on a team headed nowhere good.

Back to me: In March, I was summoned to Leonsis' Arlington offices. He wanted to discuss something I'd written a few weeks earlier in this space. I'd called his 2004 trade of Jagr "on paper...the worst trade in NHL history."

I was early into paternity leave at the time of the summoning, but I took a break from my break for a private audience with Everybody's Favorite Owner. He gave me a bottle of water, sat me down, and spent about 90 minutes letting me know, with equal parts charm and righteousness, that I was a tool.

I believed what I typed about the Jagr deal. The way I saw things: The Caps gave the New York Rangers a past and future Lester B. Pearson Trophy awardee (given annually to the NHL's best player, and to Jagr in 1999, 2000 and 2006 ) plus millions of dollars in cash in exchange for...Anson Carter.

The way Leonsis saw things: "I traded Jagr for Alex Ovechkin."

OK, so Jagr was killing the morale of coaches, teammates, fans and the owner from the time the Caps brought him here in 2001, along with the biggest contract in NHL history — seven years, $77 million.

Leonsis even gave me a hockey-for-dummies demonstration, using magic markers on a dry erase board in his office and dropping all sorts of puckhead nuance (including: left-hand-passer + left-hand-shooter = tough one-timer), to show how Jagr's unwillingness to adjust his game had unplugged the Caps' power play, which was tops in the NHL before his arrival.

It was an awesome display.

And, as we all know, getting rid of Jagr (as well as Peter Bondra, Sergei Gonchar, Robert Lang, and Steve Konowalchuk) sped up the Caps' race to the bottom of the standings. The team's 59 points in 2003-2004 was second worst in the league, above only Pittsburgh. Then Leonsis, as has become his habit, won the NHL lottery for the 2004 draft, and used the top pick on Ovechkin.

On the whole, things worked out darn good for Leonsis and his squad in the years since Jagr went away. When he speaks of Ovechkin, he gets a look in his eye similar to that, say, a father on paternity leave has when talking about his baby. But while he's, at least outwardly, Mr. Positive about everything from A to Z, I'm not sure he's over his breakup with J.J.

I wouldn't have gotten the one-on-one tutoring session if he was.

But I did get that session. And I found that I was sadder than I should have been when Ovechkin and the top-seeded Capitals went out in the first round of this year's playoffs a few weeks after our summit. And sadder still when Jagr's squad took the world title from Ovechkin.

I've forgotten all about Anson Carter. And no matter what happened in Germany, Leonsis' Jagr-for-Ovechkin trade looks like a steal to me.

I'm beginning to wonder what was in that water bottle.

"How would you like to see the Redskins take on the Cowboys? — AND have the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders soap up and scrub down your car???"

Well? How would you like that?

Check out that ad!

It appears on the Web site for WTEM, Dan Snyder's sports talk station, to promote the latest listener contest. Top prize will bring the Redskins cheerleaders over to wash your car.

Kinda yucky?

The radio ads are just as outrageous, with panting males and all sorts of breathy talk of scrubbing and rubbing. The campaign is also just the latest evidence of Snyder's thing for cheerleaders. He took over the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders shortly after buying the team, and has increased their role in his global marketing scheme ever since.

The car wash campaign marks a new level of subservience for the Redskins Cheerleaders, and cheerleaders in general. The message is: "Put down your pom poms and grab a sponge!" That tells the world that Snyder can force his troupe to put on something skimpy and service Joe Sixpack.

Basically, Snyder's pushing a Madonna/Whore image for his cheerleaders.

Well, minus the Madonna.

(AFTER THE JUMP: More on the Redskins cheerleaders? Snyder is being called "Lord Farquaad"? PhotoGate update: Snyder really did censor Dan Steinberg? Isn't the Leonsis worship getting outta hand? Guaranteed Win Night proves AGAIN that it's a sure thing? Remember "The Sure Thing"?)

Look for more about the Redskins' owner's history with cheerleaders in a Cheap Seats column that'll come out sometime later this week.

***

Update on PhotoGate: Dan Snyder DID censor Dan Steinberg's photos from the Tampa Bay game!

Steinberg had chronicled the ill-will among the home fans at FedExField, and his piece was accompanied by photos of the ill-willed wearing anti-Snyder T-shirts and garb.

Steinberg took the photos himself, while walking around the stadium. He's been taking those photos at FedExField and posting them without problems since he started doing the Sports Bog.

But hours after he put up shots of the Tampa Bay game, a game during which stadium security confiscated thousands and thousands of bags that discontented ticket buyers planned to wear on their heads, those photos disappeared from washingtonpost.com.

Steinberg, my former regular Friday lunch date, declined to comment on what went on.

But sports editor Matt Vita says the photos were pulled from Steinberg's Bog at the behest of the Redskins: "The Redskins said he was in violation of his credentials for taking the photographs. We honored that request, because at the end of the day, they control access to their facility."

Vita would not discuss the possible implications of ignoring the Redskins request to yank the photos.

Round: Snyder, 10-8.*

***

Over at Dan Snyder's message board, extremeskins.com, some of the discontented have taken to calling the owner "Lord Farquaad."

That's harsh. But it beats the crap outta "Synder."

***

Leonard Shapiro, who was taking his slams of Dan Snyder to the Miami Herald recently, has brought 'em all back home to the Washington Post. Well, to washingtonpost.com, anyway.

Shapiro goes down the path of comparing Snyder to Ted Leonsis.

This Caps team is great fun, and Leonsis these days is impossible not to love, being the open, accessible owner of a winning team. Just a couple years ago, he was brawling with Caps fans in the concourse of the home arena! Yet he's still out there glad-handing and giving fans and players and George McPhee all the credit.

And, sure, Snyder remains in hiding, and after hearing a couple boos and "Lord Farquaad!"'s he's ordering his thugs to take your paper bags away.

But the Caps worship is getting out of hand. This ain't the first time the Capitals have been pretty good. The current Caps squad hasn't gotten as far, and absent #8 isn't as obviously talented, as the 1989-1990 squad, and that team's fans were as committed and crazy. Nobody put Abe Pollin on a pedestal back then.

Damn, that was 20 years ago? What a geezer post this is!

***

Guaranteed Win Night comes in again!

Cheap Seats Daily spied that +52-run run differential differential (R²D²™) the Minnesota Twins enjoyed over the Detroit Tigers, and couldn't lay off the Twins in the one-game playoff to get into the standard postseason.

Some folks might have been worried when Detroit was up a run in the top of the 10th, or had the bases loaded with one out in the 11th.

But not us.

No, not us, even as we "watched" the game on ESPN.com's silly/amazing MLB GameCast and figures flashed on-screen saying that Detroit had a 72 pecent chance to win the game with a guy on second and one out in the 11th, so Minnesota intentionally walked a guy, and that gave Detroit runners on first and second and a 74 percent chance to win the game. (I'm no baseball guy, but if you increase the opponent's chance of winning by intentionally putting a runner on first in that situation, how come EVERY manager does it?)

But, again, while we were confused by the pro-Detroit percentages, we were not worried. Because here at Cheap Seats Daily, we know, to re-quote the dumbass adage we made up while begging folks to put the mortgage and then some on Minnesota, that pitching might win championships, but R²D² Wins Ballgames™!

Vegas has gotta be worried about the success of Cheap Seats Daily's free touting service. Good thing for Delaware that that state didn't get sports gambling like it wanted, or by now both my readers would own half of Wilmington.

Plainly, Guaranteed Win Night™ is the surest thing since Nicolette Sheridan. (IMDB's database lists Sheridan's character in the 1984 movie The Sure Thing as "The Sure Thing.")

Watching that movie clip now, among the things that occur to me is that Sheridan mighta been the template for Snyder's vision of a Washington Redskins cheerleader. She just needs a sponge.

***

*Full disclosure: I freelance music reviews for the Washington Post.

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

In the NBA, being the second biggest loser in the 2008-2009 season means Blake Griffin's brother Taylor might still be available when you get to pick.

The draft lottery is ridiculous!

***

Michael Vick's almost out.

Would He? Could He?

Will He?

The Redskins have in the past been rewarded for aggressively pursuing QBs while they're still in The System in Virginia.

During the 1987 NFL players strike, the team got former Tennessee Volunteer Tony Robinson out on work release from a Richmond prison, where he was serving time for a federal drug conviction, so he could play against the Cowboys on "Monday Night Football."

Though the Cowboys had regulars such as Danny and Randy White dressed out for the game, Robinson and the Skins won, 13-7, and their underdog tale was sorta the backbone of the Keanu Reeves' feature film, "The Replacements."

It'd be tough to make an, um, underdog movie about Vick.

But would anybody really be shocked if He pulled the trigger here?

If He works fast, maybe Vick can be here in time for the FREE FAN APPRECIATION DAY party at Six Flags!

***

The streaking Nationals dropped their sixth straight last night vs. Pittsburgh.

The Nats scored a run in the bottom of the ninth to send the game into OT, and, more importantly, to keep shelled starter Shairon Martis' record blemishless and his All-Star dreams alive.

Based on the AP's game write-up, the Nats rally also left baseball geeks wooden: "Washington became the fourth team in major league history to score at least five runs in a six-game losing streak, according to STATS, LLC."

I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds big.

***

The great Dan Steinberg (full disclosure: friend, neighbor) has been following The Great Hot Dog Massacre of '09, where mascot Screech has been shooting weiners into the Nationals Stadium grandstand.

Problem is, the food is getting obliterated during transport.

"It's just funny to watch hot dog rolls explode and come down on people," one fan told Steinberg.

Sounds like the Nationals need to call Todd Scheel. He's the genius who gave the world the T-Shirt Gatling Gun, the weapon that the Georgetown Hoyas have been using to rapid-fire gaggles of shirts into the upper deck at Verizon Center during home games.

Scheel, a Milwaukee-area inventor who works in the "dead ball entertainment" field, told me he devised the T-Shirt Gatling Gun sort of by accident, while engineering a "multi-chamber hot dog launcher."

Scheel's rapid-fire hot dog cannon, which shoots a dozen dogs at a time, uses plastic capsules (“Like the ones at a drive-in teller, sort of,” he says) to keep the bun/sausage combo intact, and to allow mustard and catsup packages to go along for the ride. He really wants somebody to give it a shot.

C'mon, Nats! Be the first team in baseball the Hot Dog Gatling Gun!

And lawyer up!

***

Speaking of lawyering up, the fight over the Redskins name really brings out the dregs in the team's fan base.

"No living Indian has ever had this name used in description of them," wrote Art Mills, Dan Snyder's longtime media attack dog and the longest running moderator at Extremeskins, the Snyder-owned message board.

Mills, who used to be entertaining, used his laughable lie — Google for five seconds and get back to me, Art — while rallying the troops to deny that the name of the team is offensive. As the debate was heating up, the moderators moved the thread off the main forum of Snyder's board.

Then there is the Get Over It! crowd.

Such as "J," who posted his annoying thoughts on an ESPN chat with Suzan Shown Harjo, one of the Native American plaintiffs in the Redskins trademark litigation. Harjo's response is just plain killer.

J: Ever think that instead of promoting equality, this fight of yours will sour people about Indians. People may think that Indians are kind of stupid for tying to change a mascot's name.

Suzan Shown Harjo: The thoughts of those who could be soured over a bid for justice are of little interest to me — what are they going to do? Get mad and take away the western hemisphere?

***

Robin Ficker Update: He took it on the chin in yesterday's race for Montgomery County Council.

The Gazette reports that board of election figures have FIcker, who ran as a Republican, him losing by a nearly 2-1 margin to Democrat Nancy Navarro.

He'll run again.

***

Update on the Federal Government's War on Pickup Soccer: the red snow fence remains in place on two spots along Piney Branch Parkway. The grass is thick and green all over. Perfect for soccer1

Because of the fence, the mostly Latin players that have been recreating at the site for decades are now using the plot of grass on the east side of the 16th Street bridge. Last night, there were a couple dozen players there, even though that means they're playing on a hill.

There is no reason to have that fence there except to keep folks from playing soccer.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that fence!

We at City Desk ARE NOT GONNA LET THIS GO!

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

So at least one bit of last night's game report from Chinatown by Fox-5's 10 o'clock news gatherer Bob Barnard came as a shock.

The shocking portion:

"Wednesday was Rock the Red towel night at the Verizon Center, but it wasn't a sell out. That said, the tickets that were available weren't cheap, and those coming from the box office would set you back more than $100." (Italics added.)

What? Not a sellout? Every other news organization used some form or "sold-out Verizon Center" in their game stories.

Yet Barnard led viewers to believe he actually walked up to the ticket window.

Have we been duped? Are all the hockey-buzz stories bogus?

Tickets were available at the box office at game time for Game 1?

Good golly. I just went to the Caps website and tried ordering for Game 2.

It ain't sold out, either.

Sounds to me like it's time for another "Save the Caps" telethon!