Gun Finger
Standing in the kitchen of her Petworth apartment early Sunday morning, Ally Kearney saw a shadow pass through the doorway of her bedroom. It was about 2:30 a.m., and she had just come home with her boyfriend, Alex Pareene, better known as the blogger Wonkette. Kearney told Pareene she thought someone was inside, and he yelled out at the intruder. Instead of booking with his loot, a young man in a white hoodie walked into view carrying Kearney’s purse. He announced he had a gun and instructed the couple to get on the floor.
They obeyed, although the gun was obviously a finger stuffed in a hoodie pocket, Kearney says. She asked the man to leave behind the camera in her purse.
Obligingly, the burglar plopped down on the floor and began fishing out the purse’s priciest contents: the expensive camera, an iPod. Despite respecting Kearney’s request, he tried to stay tough, making threats along the lines of “‘Stay on the floor, or I’ll pop your girlfriend,’” Kearney recalls. After a few moments, the man handed over the purse and said he’d just take cash. He scored about $50 from Kearney and another $30 from Pareene’s wallet.
The man pocketed his loot with his gun/finger, then made use of the same appendage to squeeze Kearney’s rear before returning to the trigger position. He also demanded Kearney’s ID, promising to track her down if she called the police. She relinquished an old license from New York State and called out “Good luck!” as the burglar escaped through the front door.
Kearney and Pareene were still laughing when police arrived. She says they were never truly frightened. “We could’ve probably taken the dude,” she says, “but it just didn’t seem worth it since he obviously was just like a 20-year-old who had never done this before and seemed pretty freaked out.”
32 Responses to “Gun Finger”
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September 19th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
If this had happened to the West Coast Wonkette, the one and only Ken Layne, the situation would have ended much differently. He woulda got all meth-era-Johnny Cash on the dude.
September 19th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
maybe if they would have jumped the kid, it would have put the fear of god into him and he wouldn’t try to pull shit like this again. missed opportunity, i say.
September 19th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
he let a 120lb woman brandishing zero weapons boss him into giving her back his valuables. i’d say he was already gettin the fear. but i’m sure you’re right and the months of court time that actually assaulting the dude (i mean, even if it is in self-defense, you know you still have to do the court shit, right?) would’ve garnered would’ve been totally worth it and he would’ve learned a valuable lesson!
insert “themoreyouknow.jpg” here.
September 19th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
when i said “his valuables” i mean “her/my valuables” 4:30 post-coffee slump whoops
September 19th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
[...] City Paper adds more depth (a first!) to Big Head DC’s recent articles regarding Alex Pareene’s total lack of [...]
September 19th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
They shoulda sat on him ’till his parent(s)/guardian came and picked him up rather than enabling his self destruction.
September 19th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
Wait, I’m having trouble here… some dumb 20-year-old armed with a finger grabbed $80 from them? And groped the girl? And that’s … okay?
Color me puzzled. If someone tried to rob me, wasn’t armed, and - as the article says - isn’t frightening or intimidating, why on earth would I let him get $80 of my money?
September 20th, 2007 at 7:33 am
Enter my home and if I am able I will take you down and pursue every civil and criminal legal option. The author is an idiot in the classic sense.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:20 am
“Never truly frightened”? Hah! I’ll bet Mr. Pareene -The Great White Snark - was shitting his pants in terror.
Ana Marie would’ve kicked that young thug’s ass.
September 20th, 2007 at 11:55 am
They should have offered the guy wine. I hear DC robbers get completely passive over that shit.
September 20th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
“Enter my home and if I am able I will take you down and pursue every civil and criminal legal option.”
Same here - I hope in a similar situation my spouse and I would be able to overpower him and hold him until police arrive or at the very least, drive him from our home without him taking anything. I’m not a big guy, but once my Sicilian temper kicks in, all bets are off.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
What a manly and noble response by the esteemed Wonkette. Did he also assume the surrender position: on his back, throat exposed and all 4 limbs raised?
However, I’m sure there will be a scathing blog entry directed at the young punk. That’ll learn him.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Joe, we’re hearing unconfirmed reports that Pareene’s position was more fetal.
September 28th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I’m hearing comfirmed reports that the woman in this story is my wife and I would like the writer to contact me immediately.
September 28th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Well it looks like Ally Kearney (AKA MILLAR but was she truly ever, really a MILLAR? I’m more of a MILLAR in spirit than this gunch) got what she always wanted by doinking this sweaty adolescent scenesterjew: a blog posted about her and her oh-so-hip DC exploits on someone else’s blog, on which she can provide further commentary using various internet memes. Well done Ally, now you’re internet-famous. Grats. I wonder if she even realizes she is still married, what with the fog of potential scene famedom clouding her thought. Stay classy.
September 28th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Gee as Allison’s father I am fascinated by all of this.
What a wonderful way to find out about the crime, and her BOYFRIEND! Thank you ever so much.
September 28th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Aint this a gem of a drama bomb! Gotta remember to bookmark for a follow-up!
Jerry Springeresque
September 29th, 2007 at 4:34 am
I do agree that Angela’s journalism shares a great deal, qualitatively, with the work of Jerry Springer - but there’s a reason he gets paid the big bucks and she doesn’t. Jerry covers the people that matter; she covers Late Night Shots and Wonkette.
September 29th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
That Ally! She KNOW she WRONG!
September 30th, 2007 at 11:21 am
ouch sorry tom :/
October 1st, 2007 at 3:08 pm
dude that sucks. pareene looks like such a major douchebag loser, with such a purposeless existence too. fuck them both, yeah?
October 1st, 2007 at 4:33 pm
wau
October 1st, 2007 at 4:33 pm
which minor internet personality is next?
October 1st, 2007 at 9:51 pm
How about a frothy glass of busted?
October 2nd, 2007 at 5:37 pm
[...] Alex Pareene is fleeing for Gawker in New York. We hope the crime didn’t scare him away. We also hope he doesn’t join in Gawker’s irrational hatred [...]
October 2nd, 2007 at 5:53 pm
[...] over at Wonkette in January, 2006. That is sad, because D.C. is no place for the young. (Except for the getting robbed. That’s good for kids.) I have rectified this situation. As Alex Balk leaves us, although he [...]
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:03 am
I hope all involved get what they rightly deserve. This sort of attention whoring is an embarrassment. The sad thing is I am sure the low-brow individuals involved with this nonsense sleep well at night, fooling themselves into thinking they are part of something that matters.
Sorry to those who were taken advantage of, lied to, and down right disrespected. To hell with the rest.
In closing…you pretentious swine are not important, your opinions are shallow and meaningless, and the world is not a better place because of anything you do. Stop breathing immediately.
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:41 pm
[...] over at Wonkette in January, 2006. That is sad, because D.C. is no place for the young. (Except for the getting robbed. That’s good for kids.) I have rectified this situation. As Alex Balk leaves us, although he [...]
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:51 pm
[...] when had soon to be former Wonkette editor Alex Pareene begun banging some dude’s wife? I love that this came out in the comments section of a story about how they let an unarmed robber [...]
October 4th, 2007 at 10:27 am
[...] the robbery was reported in the Washington City Paper, some real secrets started to spill. A gentlemen commenter on the [...]
October 10th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
[...] Valdez, a reporter with the Washington City Paper, on Sept. 19, after she and Pareene were robbed. That article, we’ve learned, was one of the ways Millar confirmed that his wife had continued cheating on him [...]
October 10th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
[...] Valdez, a reporter with the Washington City Paper, on Sept. 19, after she and Pareene were robbed. That article, we’ve learned, was one of the ways Millar confirmed that his wife had continued cheating on him [...]