Finally—D.C. Gets “Vaginal Rejuvenation” Services
According to a press release received by City Desk this morning, the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Washington D.C. is now open. About goddamn time!
Perhaps you might remember the clinic, and its proprietor, Dr. Christopher A. Warner, from a piece in the Post Health section a couple of months back. Perhaps not.
The LVRI’s signature service, according to its Web site, is “Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation® (LVR®),” which “enhances vaginal muscle tone, strength, and control. It decreases internal and external vaginal diameters, and builds up and strengthens the perineal body (the area immediately outside the vagina and above the anus), all of which greatly promotes female, sexual gratification.”
Why, pray tell, might someone be interested in laser vaginal rejuvenation? Well:
According to Dr. Warner, a relaxed vagina can be likened to that of a balloon. Blow the balloon up and immediately release the air. The balloon does not retain its original shape or form. The same is true of the vagina. In time, it becomes loose and weak.
And you wouldn’t want that to happen to your balloon/vajayjay. Full press release after the jump.
Image: “Red Canna,” Georgia O’Keeffe, 1923
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: SHARON WARNER
MEDIA RELATIONS DIRECTOR
Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Washington D.C.
Phone: (202) 429-9317
E-Mail: APPLEBOMB@AOL.COMLaser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Washington D.C.
WASHINGTON D.C. May 16, 2007- Dr. Christopher Warner, M.D., FACOG. of Washington D.C, is pleased to announce the opening of the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Washington D.C. Dr. Warner is introducing the newest in laser procedures for women who want the most out of their sex lives. The revolutionary techniques of Dr. Warner have been used successfully to enhance sexual gratification and the aesthetic appearance of the vulvar structures in over 4,000 women in all 50 states and 30 countries.
For many women, the search for a better sexual experience has been a life-long quest. Magic pills, creams and various physical exercises have long touted their sexual enhancement claims to no avail. “As a woman’s body experiences child birth and the natural aging process, the muscles and ligaments surrounding the vagina can become weakened or relaxed causing decreased sexual gratification,” says Christopher Warner, M.D, FACOG, Founder of the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Washington D.C, , “Because sexual gratification for the woman is directly related to the amount of frictional forces generated during intercourse. The LVR® procedure restores strength to the vaginal canal that results in more friction and a better sexual experience.”
According to Dr. Warner, a relaxed vagina can be likened to that of a balloon. Blow the balloon up and immediately release the air. The balloon does not retain its original shape or form. The same is true of the vagina. In time, it becomes loose and weak. During LVR®, Dr. Warner tightens relaxed vaginal muscles as well as removes excess tissue resulting in a decreased diameter or vaginal canal. The procedure is performed partly with a specialized laser that helps with precision cutting, minimizes bleeding and bruising, and, ultimately, promotes healing. After the laser is used to provide access to the muscles and support tissues of the vagina, these tissues are brought back together with absorbable sutures that strengthen the muscles and enhance their tone.
LVR® is a one-hour outpatient procedure and most patients can return to daily life within five to seven days. LVR® can also be used to help women who suffer from urinary incontinence. “The LVR® procedure was developed from listening to hundreds of women’s concerns about their sex life,” adds Dr. Warner. “LVR® helps empower women with knowledge, choice, alternatives, and ultimately..better sex!”
12 Responses to “Finally—D.C. Gets “Vaginal Rejuvenation” Services”
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May 16th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I will entertain myself with the idea that this is about rejuvinating *vaginas that are equipped with lasers* … y’know, like the sharks in that one Austin Powers movie.
“Laser vaginas must be carefully maintained. Proper calibration is essential.”
May 16th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Mike, your vajayjay HAS been looking a little bit … well, let’s just say “floppy” is great for roly poly puppies, but … maybe you should think about this. You don’t want wind-drag becoming an issue when you run the bases at softball games.
One quick question: Can this guy make a vulva actually look like the O’Keefe painting here??
Cause that Would Totally Freakin’ Rock. I might never wear pants again.
May 16th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
This shit squicks me out. And raises a few questions:
How fucking floppy can a vadge actually get? As Carrie said, would it actually be a hindrance to your everyday life? All slappin’ you in the knees and shit?
Second, what’s a perfect cha-cha supposed to look like, anyway? I was under the impression that they came in all different styles, like, um, something that comes in a lot of styles.
Third, now I’m supposed to hate my nether regions the same way I hate the rest of my not-Hollywood-perfect body? Ugh. How time-consuming! I have to use a hand mirror to get to hatin’, and my back hurts if I do it for too long.
Fourth, do you think the people behind LRV have ever heard of a little thing called the CLITORIS? Fucking Freudian-vaginal-orgasm idiots. Clearly this is for the sexual gratification of men, not laydees. (I mean, unless it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway, which, as I wondered in question the first, can’t really be fucking possible!)
May 16th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
K, loved your post. But I think you’re missing the incredible potential here. I mean, if Dr. Vag is really so amazing, surely he can find a way to mold the clitoris into something not only functional, but stylish — a sort of Martha Stewart of the nether regions.
I’m hoping to have mine made into a tiny origami swan.
May 16th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Ooh! Pretty pretty! I want mine to be a perfect heart, dyed red and plumped up all soft and pillowy - cause you know as a woman I can’t ever have sex without being totally crazy in love!! Or without falling in love as soon as his dick gets anywhere near my torso! Either way, hee hee!
PS Dr. Vag. Heh.
May 16th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Top Ten Clitoral Resculpting Choices from Dr. Christopher “Vag” Warner
1. Pillowy Red Heart (Cupid’s arrow piercing optional);
2. Tiny Origami Swan;
3. “Hello Kitty” Head (for that pussy-within-a-pussy style — SO cute!);
4. $ symbol (preferably paired with $$$ grill on owner’s front teeth);
5. A screaming eagle head, sponsored by the Dept. of Homeland Security (the labia would be done in red white and blue to serve as the eagle’s “wings”);
6. A dinner plate (AKA “The Judy Chicago”);
7. A Rubik’s cube
8. A baseball; for $10,000 extra it could be signed, using microscopic lasers, by the 2004 Red Sox;
9. No clitoris at all (AKA “The Extreme Brazilian,” or “The Sub-Saharan”); owner could yell “Psych!” at crucial moments when her partner is trying to find it;
10. The Nike swoosh
One can only hope that Warner’s surgeries will come with a free gift for the patient’s partner: A t-shirt reading: “My lover had her cootchee-coo minimized and all I got was … well, you know.”
May 16th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Two points:
1. I just want to get the Boratian phrase “vagine … like sleeve of wizard” on this page.
2. This discussion has serious parallels with the work of Dr. William Colon, cosmetic proctologist. Video here:
http://www.livevideo.com/teZ
May 16th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
I really hope this doesn’t catch on. Otherwise my agent will soon be calling me about “Honey, I Shrunk the Poontang.”
May 16th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
K = Funniest Poster on CityDesk
May 17th, 2007 at 9:36 am
JvC, I defer to Carrie the Red. And I maintain that it’s not hard to be funny vis á vis vajayjays - they’re fucking hilarious on their own. Mine makes me sqeal with laughter every day! But thank you.
May 17th, 2007 at 10:44 am
I’m just pleased with how many different words for The Beav we all managed to use here.
And K, I defer to you: the image of having to use a handmirror to get to hatin’ had me snorting off and on for a good part of the evening.
July 30th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
[...] Dr. Christopher Warner, he of “vaginal rejuvenation” services? Well, Dr. Warner is not a man to rest easy, content to spend his days merely tightening up vaginal [...]