Credit is tight, tempers are flaring, and times are bad. Here are some tools from people-in-the-know on how to cope:

-From Adultswim.com (”where spare time goes to die”) comes Kill Thy Neighbor, which allows players to “Solve the housing crisis by destroying your neighbor’s.” Play as Tapioca Phil (the homeless guy), Nadine (the trailer park momma), G.I. Jenkins (retiree on the verge of homelessness), or Bill (the guy who has it all). The object is to blast your opponents abode with various objects.

-The LifeQuake Doctor, aka, Dr. Toni Galardi, is a self-described “expert on change.” Her “RX for the real bailout” is short on economics and long on pop-psychobabble, but it sure is fun reading.

-Janice Taylor over at Huffington Post advises stressed consumers to “say NO to the emotional eating bailout.”

Commenters: any other thoughts on how to deal with the bailout?

From your friendly City List editor come some updates and corrections to last week’s listings:

-Christo and Jeanne-Claude: Two Works in Progress opens at The Phillips Collection on 10/16, not the Hirshhorn (the mistake appears in our a In & Out box). From the Phillips Collection’s Shira Pinkser: “The artists highlight their upcoming works of art: Over the River, Project for the Arkansas River, State of Colorado; and The Mastaba, Project for the United Arab Emirates.  The Arkansas River project involves assembling and suspending 5.9 miles of fabric panels horizontally above a 40-mile stretch of the Arkansas River. The Mastaba will be larger than the great pyramid at Giza and will comprise 410,000 steel oil barrels, stacked on their sides and painted in bright colors for a mosaic-like effect in changing light. Following the lecture, Christo and Jeanne-Claude will sign copies of their book, Christo and Jeanne-Claude, Over the River, Project for the Arkansas River, State of Colorado.” The Phillips Collection, 1600 21st St. NW.

-Studio Theatre’s The Road To Mecca has been extended to Oct. 26, and will not close on Oct. 12 (as stated in our theatre In & Out box). Check out show times and ticket prices here.

-For those of you who hoping to check out Trumbo @ the Rep Stage, consider seeing Intelligence instead (as Trumbo closed last month). From Rep Stage’s Yvonne Erickson: “Intelligence , a world premiere  by Kenneth M. Cameron, directed by Obie Award winner Walt Witcover, starring Leo Erickson,  Karl Kippola , Ben Kingsland, with Prudence Barry, Elliot Dash & Christine Demuth. Runs October 8-November 9 2008, All Wed. nights at 7:30PM are PWYC, Thursdays 7:30PM, Friday & Sat. 8PM, Sat. & Sun. matinees @ 2:30PM, tickets are $15.00-$30.00, Some free events included with this show.” More info here.

Have a problem with your listing? Take your beef straight to the source–email Mike Riggs @ mriggs@washingtoncitypaper.com.

Debate over (and live-blog too), I have one message for the “undecided voters” of America:

Are you serious? Make up your fucking minds! I can’t stand another month of this nonsense. If you haven’t picked a candidate yet, you’re just being difficult. I bet half of you are just playing hard to get in the hopes that you’ll find your precious undecided fingertips in the tender embrace of Barack Obama’s warm, proto-Presidential hands somewhere along the campaign trail. I am totally over you jokers.

UPDATE: Get The Sexist’s take on women’s issues in the debate here.

Heard on the street:

*”I took a double fist to my mouth in Munich.”
–One Metro passenger to another on the Yellow Line

*”Tony Montana! Gimme a quarter to pull up my bootstrap!”
–Panhandler outside 7-11 on Rhode Island Avenue in Shaw

“It’s not like he’d tell us if he did have something hazardous in there. There could be two explosives in there.”
–Union Station Post Office clerk

–Franklin Schneider

On Friday I went to see Vladimir Ashkenazy conduct the National Symphony Orchestra through Sibelius’ Symphony No.1, Oceanides, and Symphony No. 7. The music was beautiful, and Ashkenazy was adorable. To top the night off, a woman sat behind me and taught me a lot about how to behave at the symphony. Here’s what I learned:

• Know What You’re Seeing. When you first sit down and ask your husband, “Now what are we seeing tonight?” it makes you sound like a snob. This isn’t an Edith Wharton novel. You don’t need to go to the symphony just to be seen. Go because you like music.
• Don’t Call People Stupid. When people clap at inappropriate moments, don’t cry out, “Stupid people! What stupid people! Stupid! Stupid!”
• Plan Ahead. Need your glasses? Need a tissue? Need another tissue? Decide you don’t need your glasses? It’s really best just to dump your purse out on your lap before the performance begins. Don’t zip, unzip, zip, unzip, zip your purse. It’s really just a waste of time.
• Request an Aisle Seat. This way you don’t have to loudly declare at intermission, “These seats are horrible! I will never sit here again! Really, with how often we come it’s ridiculous they don’t give us aisle seats! Ridiculous!” Bonus: You can put your feet in the aisle so you don’t kick the seat in front of you every couple minutes.
• Use Lotion. If you keep your skin moist, you don’t have to spend long periods of time scratching your knuckles.
• Don’t Take Your Boredom Out on the Program. It’s there to help you. Don’t rip through the pages like there’s money hidden in them. Be gentle. Some say it’s even possible to turn a page soundlessly.

Thank you, fellow audience member. You have taught me well.

*This is truly incredible: In an opinion piece on gun violence in Shaw in the Sunday Washington Post, Ward 2 Councilmember Jack Evans manages to praise the convention center authority and the Hotel Association: Now that’s skill!

*Look here: The Washington Times has a guy on the ground in Tel Aviv.

*The Post profiles an exploding nightlife scene along K Street NW. No NIMBYs there!

*Examiner’s Wire Story of the Weekend: This piece on car title lenders.

*DCist has a kickass feature on indie record shops.

*Post Ombud dissects immigration.

Usually e-mail forwards are stupid. The one I received today was not. In fact, I must share it. It has shown me how to be a better employee, nay, a better female employee. Back in 1943, Transportation Magazine published 11 tips for (male) managers on how to handle the new, necessary influx of lady employees in the workplace. Here are some of the most vital tips:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it.

3. General experience indicates that ‘husky’ girls—those who are just a little on the heavy side—are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination—one covering female conditions. This step…reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

So now I just have to get married, get husky, ask my doctor if I have any female weaknesses, and start bringing a comb and lipstick to work. Problems solved.

The young man waiting for the 10A next to me at Braddock Road Metro appears to be traveling alone. He wears baggy jeans, a Columbia jacket, and complicated facial hair. He watches another man walk by. “Seems like everyone has a limp these days,” he says to no one. (Note: I did not notice the second man limping.) “If he’s getting disability for that, I’m gonna be mad. ’Cause I can do that, too.”

Certainly someone on your gift list has pets. And it’s always nice to treat the dog-loving friend to something sweet for the pooch. Perhaps a customized doggie bowl or one of those classic yuppie dog beds.

I think it’s safe to say, however, that your friend’s best friend will probably make it through ‘08 just fine without this particular invention from home-furnishing retailer Frontgate. It’s called the “Telescoping Pet Ramp,” and it’s designed to ease Rover’s transition in and out of SUVs.

Well, just take it from Frontgate itself: “For a little help up uneven stairs or a big step into the truck bed, this innovative pet product accommodates pets of all sizes and ages. Great for use indoors or out, at home or on the road.”

Think about this scenario: You head out in your Cadillac Escalade, with your Telescoping Pet Ramp, your kids, your husband, and Rover, who hangs out with the ramp in back. You’re going to take a walk, let’s say on the C&O. You arrive at the parking lot somewhere out there near Cabin John or something. Everybody’s pumped to jump out. You go around back and open up the hatch. Is Rover really going to wait for you to pull out your Telescoping Pet Ramp, adjust it to the proper length, and set it up?

TPR lists for $129.99.

Forget the Post’s advice columnist Carolyn Hax and her advice for lovelorn singles on the Dating Hamster Wheel of Despair (DHWD). Not interesting. Forget Dan Savage and this week’s fringe fetish.

The perils (love and otherwise) of the District’s married with offspring and a decent lump of cash set make for a far more interesting soap opera. The best look inside their heads is the online parent support group DC Urban Moms and Dads. Although I don’t have children (and from the look of the sexy maternity wear advertised am not the target audience) I’m a devoted reader.

If you’re looking for the good stuff, skip the forums on breastfeeding, servant wages, and tips for getting your child into the best private schools. Scoot down to the off-topic forum for a look at what happens when things go wrong.

Where in D.C. can you find a good private investigator to bird dog your cheating man? What should you do if you’re a mom suddenly into the ladies? What if your cleaning woman bleaches your carpet? What if your flabby gut makes you embarrassed to get naked in front of your husband? Forget Carolyn and Dan. This place has the answers.

City Desk readers solve the problems of District folk

The problem of the day is pinched from a woman named Laura who posted her canine struggle on the First District listserv. The crisis doesn’t compare with violent crime or auto theft, she writes, but “at what point does a barking dog legally become a nuisance?”

Laura says a small dog left in a yard in her neighborhood howls day and night, driving neighbors out of their heads.

“I’m wondering what my neighbors and I can do to keep what’s left of our sanity,” Laura writes. A good question. Any solutions for Laura?