The Alphabetical Order, District four-piece and subject of CP’s very first What’s Your Problem? feature, has decided to split up. The reason? Their problem–inability to hold on to a drummer—proved unsolvable. “Remember when you wrote that story on us way back, about how we couldn’t keep a drummer?” writes Order guitarist Gavin Dunaway in an e-mail. “Another one quit, and we just didn’t have the energy to train another person.”

My god—could this be the beginning of a rash of What’s Your Problem?-related artistic mishaps, in which the local artists featured in the column are systematically ruined by order of publication date? Only time will tell. Watch out Dan Amitai, Ivan Khilko, and Adrian Parsons—your dubstep happy hour could be next. (My money’s on the 9/11 theorists).

While we’re waiting to see if the theory pans out, catch the Dismantling of The Alphabetical Order this Saturday at IOTA. Or, send me your own problems (artistic only, please) at problem@washingtoncitypaper.com.

In today’s Slate, Tom Vanderbilt does good work in attacking the blight of playground equipment on America’s lawns. You know the landscape: Brightly colored swingsets and slides, no kids on them, sitting on a pitch of grass. They’re eyesores, they never get used, and they become a big environmental liability when it comes time to dispose of them.

So good on Vanderbilt there.

Bad on Vanderbilt here:

In her book American Playgrounds, Susan Solomon notes how the fear of injuries and their litigious consequences forced the closing, or banal “post-and-platform” retrofitting, of many playgrounds. Gone are the kinds of things that defined my own childhood: terrifying metal “monkey bars” pitched over a pit of hard gravel or the towering, twisting, all-metal “tornado slide,” as we called it, which was at once the most exhilarating and the most dangerous thing in my young life.

Here we have an exhilarating mixture of ignorance and nostalgia forming a perfect mound of bullshit.

Let’s take this thing point by point. I’ll admit I haven’t read Solomon’s book. But I can tell you this: I have a couple of very young kids and wherever I am, I’m always in the market for a playground. I haven’t had trouble finding them, either. So if there’s a big trend toward closing playgrounds, perhaps there were too many to begin with.

As for “retrofitting” the playgrounds, let’s hope so. When I was a kid, I often played on equipment anchored into asphalt. I fell on that shit many times. And no, that wasn’t exhilarating or cool or somehow character-forming. It wasn’t an experience that I’ll relate to coming generations in the same breath as walking through the snow barefoot just to get to school.

Those surfaces hurt. They’re a big reason why every year about 200,000 kids from preschools and elementary schools check into emergency rooms in this country after playground falls and the like.

The injuries and emergency visits, thank goodness, are on the decline. Why? Because playgrounds are getting safer. Rubberized surfaces are getting installed across the land, the better to cushion the impact of a fall. Insane equipment that mangles our little kids is getting thrown out. And if lawsuits are forcing these trends, then good on the lawsuits, too!

Vanderbilt should stick to aesthetics and the connection between home and its exterior. Leave out the mindless and tiresome references to the good old days.

The Afflicted: The Alphabetical Order, a District four-piece that’s been turning out a clever blend of twisted time signatures and hummable hooks since 2004.

Diagnosis: The Order’s four-piece is often a de facto three. Guitarists Gabriel Fry and Gavin Dunaway, along with bassist Kate Rears Burgman, share vocal duties but can’t seem to hold on to a drummer.

Symptoms: Those who shuffle through the Order’s fourth spot have a tendency to either move up or grow up. Drummer #1, Ben Reynolds, changed his name to “Jim something” and moved to NYC in 2005 “to go become a hipster in Williamsburg,” says Fry. “He was gonna be huge,” Fry explains. “He is not.” Drummer #2, Chris McKinney, defaulted in 2006, choosing to focus on his two-year-old son instead of the two-year-old band. When Drummer #3, Jeff Miller, bailed earlier this year, the band began to tire of the rotating cast. “We thought Jeff was the one,” says Fry. “Unfortunately, Jeff has a wife and a house and a career that he really enjoys.”

Treatment: Find somebody who can strike the right balance between hi-hats and home life. “All [our ex-drummers] are excellent players, excellent people,” says Fry. “But when you’re torn between buying new cymbals or your kid’s birthday present, or between practicing and fixing your roof, or between sleeping in a van for three days with me or going on vacation with your wife, it’s hard to pick the band.” The Alphabetical Order is hoping that Drummer #4, Ashraf Younes, will pick the band. Says Fry, “It hasn’t been especially difficult for us to find new drummers, but it’s depressing every time.”

Listen: Constant State (with #3, Jeff Miller). Hear #4, Ashraf Younes, when the Alphabetical Order play the Velvet Lounge Friday, Dec. 28.

Are you a filmmaker, theater director, sculptor, harpsichordist, or similar arts type? Have you got a problem? E-mail your artistic quandaries to ahess@washingtoncitypaper.com.