Via Nationals Journal, this wonderful post from the St. Petersburg Times about Elijah Dukes‘ probation for a misdemeanor drug charge. The Nats told NJ’s Barry Svrluga Dukes was at the Nats’ training facility in Viera, Fla., rehabilitating his hamspring.

In fact he was cleaning out cages at Child magazine’s #1 Family Friendly Zoo in America, the Lowry Park Zoo. Coincidentally, Lowry Park is reporting possible closures in its Florida Wildlife Center.

Fan IQ, which despite its URL, is not pronounced “faneek,” ranks the Nats’ own Elijah Dukes as fifth-best athlete in modern history when it comes to producing out-of-wedlock children (I’m not down with the term “illegitimate,” sorry). It’s even somewhat scientific: Author “100%InjuryRate” determined the average number of o-o-w kids produced by pro athletes by dividing playing careers by children. Hot NFL prospect Darren McFadden leads the list with three kids in four years, giving him a “production rate” of .75 kids/year.

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Elijah Dukes does not live in a cage. As Dave Sheinin reports in today’s Post, the outfielder said “It might seem I live in a cage,” in a press conference where he was attended by three members of the Nats’ brass plus two flacks. “But I don’t. I get out and meet people all the time.” Sheinin goes on to note that:

The Nationals already have invested a staggering amount of man-hours and effort into easing Dukes’s transition into Nationals’ camp, from sending Dukes to Orlando to train with special assistant Barry Larkin this winter, to hiring a full-time support person to shadow Dukes, to assigning veteran first baseman Dmitri Young the role of clubhouse mentor.

If you can’t get a job guarding Dukes from himself, however, there are other positions going.