After Sunday’s win over Florida put the streaking Caps officially at 21-21, all the focus was about playing “.500 hockey.”

“That was our goal when Bruce (coach Bruce Boudreau) came in was to get back to .500,” said Caps defenseman Tom Poti in a team-released quote, “and we’ve done that.”

Everywhere but in hockey, that would mean as many wins as losses. But, in the NHL, .500 doesn’t really mean as many wins or losses, because, well, there aren’t as many losses as wins.

In fact, you’d have to look to the Special Olympics to find a competition with fewer losers than the NHL.

Beginning with the 2005-2006 season, the NHL did away with ties. But losses in overtime or shootouts still earned the losing team a point, and were no longer counted in the loss column.

In the NHL, not only is it theoretically possible for every team to finish with more wins than losses - that almost happens.

After Monday’s win at Pittsburgh, the Caps press release bragged about being “above the break-even point.” Only 7 of the 30 teams in the league couldn’t make the same claim.

The Caps real W-L record is 22-26.

So just keep winning.

Hockey fans, meet the Ottawa Senators: A team that went to the Stanley Cup Finals last season. A team with the best record in the Eastern Conference. A team with a lot of pride.

A team that just can’t admit that the lowly Washington Capitals fucking own them.

Last night, the Capitals beat the Senators by the score of 4-2; the come-from-behind victory marked the completion of the Caps’ four-game season sweep over the Sens. In early November, after Washington had whipped Ottawa 4-1, the Senators claimed that the loss was due to the fact that they had underestimated the foundering Caps squad and thus not played at the top of their game—but that they wouldn’t make the same mistake next time. The Senators got the chance to back up their brash talk in late December, when the Caps traveled to Ottawa for the first game in a home-and-home series. Alexander Ovechkin scored four goals and one assist for the Caps, who beat the Senators in their own rink once again, this time by the score of 8-6. Ottawa goaltender Martin Gerber wasn’t the only Senator to take a beating: Caps enforcer Donald Brashear absolutely pummeled Sens tough guy Chris Neil in a lopsided bout during which Neil took what seemed like two dozen punches directly to the head.

Ottawa’s response? The Senators’ thug-on-skates Brian McGrattan accused Brashear of backing down from a fight challenge he issued earlier in the game, only to pick on the smaller Neil—who, until that point, nobody had ever accused of being anything other than a heavyweight fighter in his own right. McGrattan then actually went so far as to claim that Neil won the fight. (Maybe McGrattan’s taken too many hits to the head himself—but, just in case his memory is a little foggy, here’s the video of Neil getting hammered.) Canadian hockey analyst and national embarrassment Don Cherry—in a misguided attempt to salvage some sense of dignity for the city of Ottawa—then called Brashear a “phony” and insisted that he was afraid to fight McGrattan.

Three days later, the Senators came to Washington and responded to their previous lackluster efforts with a 3-6 loss to the Capitals. Following the game, Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson gave the Capitals a backhanded compliment, noting that the cellar-dwelling Caps “have nothing to lose.” Nice comeback, Alfie.

Fast-forward to last night’s example of Washington’s continued dominance over what is supposedly a superior team. This time around, Alfredsson said “It doesn’t feel any better or any worse than any other loss…We played a good game. We gave up two easy goals and they got four or five power plays.” Hmmm. That’s a familiar take on things: In each case, it’s a matter of the Senators organization claiming that the Capitals didn’t so much win the game as the Senators did lose it.

Yeah, Alfie, I’m sure that’s what happened—four times in a row. And I’m also sure that losing four times to the Caps—who you obviously hold in low regard—by the combined score of 22-12 doesn’t bother you in the least. Because the frustration and denial on the Sens’ part following each heartbreaking loss to the Caps isn’t completely obvious in the post-game wrap-ups, you know? Perhaps Senators forward Dean McAmmond more accurately described his team’s feelings toward the Capitals when he said, “Yeah. I don’t really like them.” I wonder why not, eh?

Either way, as one poster on the Washington Capitals message board stated, the Senators may not be able to give the Caps any credit—but they did give them eight points. Thanks, guys!

Last night’s announced crowd of 16,168 people at the Verizon Center for the Washington Capitals’ match against the Colorado Avalanche was one of the largest I’ve seen there all year. Which was great, but where the hell did all of you people come from? Is it because the Caps are suddenly winning, going 12-6-4 since Bruce Boudreau took over as head coach? Perhaps it’s due to the fact that last night’s game was one of three games that—as a thank-you to its full-time fan base—the Caps organization was offering a set of free lower-bowl tickets to season-ticket holders. (My regular seats are in Section 413, but last night I got to life the rich life on the Caps’ dime and sat in Section 118.) Or maybe it’s just because, due to the NHL’s crazy schedule, the Avalanche haven’t played in Washington, D.C., since dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

Honestly, I don’t really care. The huge crowd was a nice change of pace. What I do care about, however, is how some of you fucking n00bs don’t seem to understand basic sports-arena etiquette.

It’s OK. The Caps won 2-1 after a thrilling third period, so I’m in a good mood. But here are two helpful tips: 1) As the announcer will tell you pre-game, the usher will tell you throughout the game, and any person whose view of the game you happen to be obstructing will yell at you, DO NOT walk to and/or from your seat while the puck is in play. Wait for the next whistle before standing in the aisle searching for your seat while talking on your cell phone and looking like an ignorant jackass for five minutes. And, in the same manner, wait for a break in play before dragging your whining children down to the concourse for another round of nachos. 2) DO NOT lean forward in your seat the entire game. People do not shell out good money to have 1/3rd of their view obscured by the back of your huge friggin’ head. A good rule of thumb: It’s natural to lean forward when an amazing play is about to unfold, and that’s fine—but, after it’s all over, keep your ass and lower back against the back of the seat. (And, for the love of God, DO NOT cop an attitude when the person behind you taps you on the shoulder and politely asks if you wouldn’t mind not leaning forward so much, as it blocks the view of the people behind you.)

These are the things that separate man from beast, people.

There is a steaming pound of meat on my desk and I don’t know what to do with it.

Okay, that’s not true. On my desk, there is actually a ticket stub from yesterday’s New Year’s Day matinee match-up between the Washington Capitals and the Eastern Conference-leading Ottawa Senators, whom the Caps beat by the score of 6-3. (Last Saturday, the Capitals beat the Senators in Ottawa by the score of 8-6; the lowly Caps are 3-0 against the Sens so far this season.) Should I make the trip to any nearby Austin Grill, however, I would be able to trade this now-seemingly worthless ticket stub for one free pound of chicken wings, while supplies last. (What, is Austin Grill going to run out of wings?) It’s all part of a game-day promotion; any time the Caps score six or more goals in a home game, attendees can get a free pound of wings at Austin Grill the following day with a valid ticket stub.

Had the game been just two days earlier, I would have happily devoured that pound of quivering chicken flesh the following afternoon. I would have done so without bothering to wipe the sauce from my glistening mouth until I was completely finished; perhaps, for good measure, I would have thrown the bony remains at my co-workers while letting out a bellowing belch to signify my dominant place at the top of the food chain. Unfortunately, less than a week ago I was told by my doctor that I need to get my cholesterol down—and, as a result, I made a New Year’s resolution to return to a pesco-vegetarian diet. (I’m pretty sure that, in some other language, “pesco” means “not a.”) So chicken—and, by extension, chicken wings (be they of a free nature or not)—is out.

It’s been real, meat.

Congratulations to Bruce Boudreau, whom the Washington Capitals organization named Head Coach For Serious in an officially official statement released earlier today. Since Boudreau was named interim coach on Nov. 22, the Caps have gone 7-5-3 and seen improvements in offensive production, special teams, and winning percentage. Which is to say that the team still sucks, but it sucks a little less.

There’s a pretty good chance that this announcement will put an end to the constant speculation regarding Boudreau’s immediate future with the club—but, apparently, even certain sports columnists in hockey-crazy Montreal can’t get their basic facts right when it comes to reporting on the Caps.

WTOP’s Mark Segraves with another big scoop LL wish he had:

Most of those invited to D.C.’s Luxury Suite at the Verizon Center by Fenty either contributed the maximum $2,000 to Fenty’s campaign or worked on the campaign. The rest of the tickets, with only a few exceptions, went to friends, family and the mayor’s senior staffers of the mayor….

According to the list provided by the Fenty administration, tickets went to the Fenty 2006 campaign manager and the treasurer, as well as dozens of volunteers and donors. The mayor’s brothers and parents also received tickets.

Acting Attorney General Peter Nickels received tickets to the sold-out Springsteen show. School Chancellor Michelle Rhee is going to Hannah Montana.

Other fun details: The Fenty administration handed over only a partial list. And the tickets are controlled by John Falcicchio, a top Fenty campaign aide now working in the mayor’s office.

UPDATE, 4:40 P.M.: Rhee got tix, but Paul Strauss didn’t.

Okay so yeah, the Caps are still totally in last place in the Eastern Conference. But they are totally not dead last in the NHL.

According to inside sources, when asked about the Washington Capitals, Washington City Paper City Lights Editor Matthew Borlik said, “Fuck yeah, 29th best team in the league! Suck it, L.A. Kings!”

Hey dude, how’s that lump on your head treating you? You might not remember getting the shit kicked out of you by Washington Capitals enforcer Donald Brashear last night, so here’s a little reminder:

Hahah—pwnt! That looks like it hurt, bro! I like how, at the beginning, you were all “OMG I’m totally going to win this fight! I’m finally going to beat Brashear!,”and then—right after that—you got destroyed. I think that’s my favorite part: the whole you-getting-your-ass-kicked thing. (If you’re a total glutton for punishment—which, apparently, you are—here’s a slow-motion video of the fight. I suggest fast-forwarding to :48, which is where you get your ass kicked.)

Seriously, Colton Orr, why the hell do you keep trying to start fights with Brashear every time the Rangers play the Caps? You pretty much lose every time, much as you lose at life in general. Maybe, when you’re playing NHL 2008 at home, you’re able to do more than wildly throw a few early punches before Brashear rearranges your virtual face, but don’t you ever get tired of being embarrassed in real life?

Also, I don’t know if you remember this either, but the Caps won 5-4 in overtime last night. You know, after Brashear was done pummeling you.

P.S.: Please tell your teammate Jaromir Jagr that he still sucks balls.

As the Washington Post’s Tarik El-Bashir posted on his blog earlier this week, Washington Capitals captain Chris Clark has publicly stated what many Caps fans have been grumbling about all season: The ice at the Verizon Center sucks. Like, it really, REALLY sucks.

As for Clark, here’s what he said about the ice at VC:

“There’s a lot of ruts in the ice. It’s soft. It’s wet half the time. I could see a lot of injuries coming from the ice there. It could cost [players] their jobs.”

“I”ve been trying to get it fixed. I’ve been going over the ice reports. I’ve been trying to tell them that it’s [a problem]. But it’s been three years since I’ve been here, and it’s the worst in the league. It’s tough to play on. Even guys on other teams say the same thing. When we’re facing off, they say, ‘How do you guys play on this?’”

If you’ve been to a game at the Verizon Center this year, you’ve probably witnessed the post-intermission puddles of water on the ice that Clark is talking about. But you don’t need to blow your hard-earned dollars on over-priced nachos and Miller Lites at Verizon Center to see the rest of the evidence: You can watch the puck constantly bouncing over players’ sticks from the comfort of your own living room.

Clark is obviously not trying to make excuses for his team’s pathetic record so far this season. But “home-ice advantage” is supposed to count for something in the National Hockey League: The home team gets to make the last line change, allowing it to control on-ice matchups—which, in theory, should make it easier for the home team to dictate the style and tempo of the play on the ice. And—with the addition of offensive-minded talents such as Michael Nylander, Viktor Kozlov, and Tom Poti, as well as the continued maturation of young stars Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, and Mike Green—this year’s Capitals look to play a puck-control game as opposed to the muck-and-grind game of years past. (Sure, the opposing team has to play on the same terrible ice, but it’s customary in the NHL for the away team to play a more conservative game and hope to capitalize on mistakes, bad breaks, and lucky bounces.)

So, how exactly is a team with a puck-control game plan supposed to succeed when it can’t even complete a pass due to terrible home ice conditions? The answer: It doesn’t. Instead, it winds up with the worst home-ice record in the league.

Ted Leonsis’ response? They’re working on it. At least Verizon Center has that shiny new high-definition scoreboard on which fans can watch the players falling all over themselves every time they try to make a tight turn.

Earlier this fall, this ad—essentially a giant Adrian Fenty spot—appeared in the Washington Examiner, paid for by Abe Pollin’s Washington Sports and Entertainment LP:

On Monday, Fenty declared it “Abe Pollin Day” and named F Street NW in front of the 10-year-old Verizon Center “Abe Pollin Way”:

Hey there, what’s left of the Washington Capitals’ fan base, don’t forget to give a big warm welcome to interim head coach Bruce Boudreau, who—last week—replaced former head coach Glen “Hugs” Hanlon after he was relieved of his duties. I’m only reminding everyone because it looked like none of you made it out for Boudreau’s D.C. debut against the Buffalo Sabres on Monday night. In his post-game recap, the Washington Times’ Corey Masisak said 11,204 people were in attendance; I don’t know if Corey was there, but I sure as hell was, and I’d guess that that number is several thousand people too high—and at least a third of the crowd was cheering for Buffalo.

The other two-thirds of the crowd, meanwhile, didn’t have much to cheer for at all. Coming off of a modest winning streak—during which the Caps went 2-0 under their new coach, the first set of consecutive wins since the beginning of the season—the team had one of its most pathetic games of the season. (And, if you’ve watched the Caps at all this season, you know that’s saying a lot.) I guess you could cheer for Alexander Ovechkin’s highlight-reel goal, but that was also the only goal the team managed to score in the 3-1 loss. A few people might have cheered for the return of defenseman Steve Eminger—a once highly-touted prospect that has spent most of the season as a healthy scratch—but his performance was so poor that he’s already been benched for tonight’s game against the Florida Panthers. Really, the only reason to cheer was to drown out the cheers of Sabres fans. (Giving credit where credit is due: The meager crowd did manage to do so, thanks in no small part to the chant-raising efforts of the Horn Guy, aka Caps messageboard poster “SmileyPen.”)

The entire team—including Ovechkin—looked tired, as if it was playing its third game in four nights. Of course, the team was playing its third game in four nights, but the Caps need another excuse even less than they need another second-round draft pick. Constant turnovers. Boneheaded plays. Piss-poor passing. It was a truly painful experience, one that drew boos and jeers from the frustrated crowd. At one point, the team’s “Unleash the Fury” in-game video was played on the jumbotron; I responded with “Unleash the Futility” and received some sad laughter from those in my section. My friend—who I had convinced to come with me to the game—said, “[That] was the sorriest, saddest game I’ve attended in a long while.”

I’d have a hard time arguing with him. I asked him if he wanted a free ticket to tonight’s game as well. He declined. As has everyone else I’ve asked. I’ll be going alone. Maybe I’ll get a hot dog and drown the misery of being a Caps fan away in $7 Miller Lites. Go Caps.

Welcome to Washington, Mr. Boudreau. The word is that you’re a more vocal coach than your predecessor, and willing to lay into players whose performances are lacking. Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, unleash the motherfucking fury.

When it comes to line combinations, Washington Capitals Head Coach Glen Hanlon likes to shake things up. You never know what the guy is going to do: play people out of position, put an enforcer on the power play, convert a forward to a defenseman then back again, or bring up some schlub from the minor leagues and throw him out on the first line for a few shifts only to bench him for the rest of the night.

Last night, Hanlon tried something extraordinary: He tried using common sense. He promoted his best center (Michael Nylander) to the first line to play with the team’s franchise winger (Alexander Ovechkin). He moved defensive center Boyd Gordon—who had recently been centering Ovechkin on the first line—back to his regular spot on the shutdown line. He shifted Viktor Kozlov—a natural right wing who had been playing center because of a supposed chemistry with Ovechkin—back to the right wing, where Kozlov has always enjoyed more success. He moved rookie center Nicklas Backstrom—who had been playing both wing positions while adjusting to the NHL game—to center. And he moved Tomas Fleischmann—who has been bouncing in, out, and all around the depth chart so far this season—back to the left wing, where he has constantly proven to be the most productive.

The result? The Caps, who came limping into Ottawa after losing 10 of their last 12 games and sitting in last place in the Eastern Conference, beat the league-leading Senators, who were on an eight-game winning streak and off to the best start (13-1-0) in NHL history. And they did so in convincing fashion by the score of 4-1. So, who scored all those goals for the struggling Caps’ offense? In a span of 5 minutes and 45 seconds during the second period, Backstrom scored his first career NHL goal, Kozlov (who also had two assists) scored his third goal of the season, and Fleischmann scored his third goal of the season. (Ovechkin opened the scoring earlier in the first period; Nylander added two assists as well.)

How about that? Who would have guessed that, when you put players in their actual positions, they score goals? It only took Hanlon 16 games to figure that one out.

Hey Washington Capitals fans, remember Joe Murphy? Me neither, although there’s plenty else to remember about the team during the limited time Murphy spent in Washington in the 1999-2000 and 2000-2001 seasons. Simply put, that was the last time the Caps were any good, putting up 102 and 96 points (respectively) and winning back-to-back Southeast Division titles–only to suffer humiliating first-round defeats to archrivals the Pittsburgh Penguins in the playoffs both years. Not that Murphy had much to do with the team’s success back in those well-faded “glory days”: The aging right-winger–whom the Caps had picked up off of waivers in mid-February 1999 from the Boston Bruins–scored only 6 goals and 13 assists for a whopping total of 19 points in the 43 games he played with the club during those two seasons.

Less forgettable than the way he played, however, was the way he went out: In December of 2000, an injured Murphy accompanied the team to New York City for a match with the Rangers. After the game, he and some teammates went out for a team-sponsored dinner and according to court documents drank a lot of beer and vodka before moving on to a club and drinking more. At the end of the night, Murphy tried to convince a woman to get in his limo, only to get cracked across the head with a bottle by the woman’s male companion. Days later, Murphy was assigned to the team’s minor-league affiliate in Lowell, Mass.; Murphy refused to report to Lowell, was suspended by the team, and never played professional hockey again.

According to documents released today by the District of Columbia Court of Appeals, Murphy eventually

filed for Workers’ Compensation benefits with the Department of Employment Services, asserting “that as a traveling employee, the injuries he sustained on December 7, 2000, arose out of and in the course of his employment.” This claim was rejected by the ALJ, who found that “while…claimant was in New York for the sole purpose of traveling with his employer and…having dinner after the game was an activity related to his employment,” his “venture to the lower east side to patronize a bar…after the dinner was not an activity incidental to his employment nor would it have been foreseeable by employer.”

So, no Worker’s Comp for Below Average Joe–who then took his case to the D.C. Court of Appeals, arguing

that he was nonetheless entitled to recover under the Workers’ Compensation Act based upon a provision of his Collective Bargaining Agreement between the National Hockey League and the National Hockey League Players’ Association. That provision reads:

A player under contract who is disabled and unable to perform his duties as a hockey player by reason of any injury sustained during the course of his employment as a hockey player, including travel with his team or on business requested by the club, shall be entitled to receive his remaining salary due in accordance [with] the term of his contract for the remaining stated term of his contract.

He interprets this provision to mean that if a player is injured during the course of his employment as a hockey player, including, without limitation, “travel with his team,” the player is entitled to be awarded compensation for this contractual right by the Administrative Law Judge in the same proceeding that addresses his right to compensation under the District’s Workers’ Compensation Act.

The court didn’t buy it.

At 7 p.m. tonight, the Washington Capitals will face off against the Vancouver Canucks—a team they don’t get to see very often, what with the National Hockey League’s current unbalanced schedule format, which has teams from opposing conferences play each other only two times every three years. The last time the two teams played one another was almost a year ago to the day—on October 27, 2006, when the Canucks beat the Caps 3-2 in a shootout in Vancouver, British Columbia. The Canucks haven’t been to D.C., however, in over three and a half years, back when twin brothers Henrik and Daniel Sedin were just beginning to establish themselves as legitimate scoring sensations.

Of the two, center Henrik—older by six minutes—is the more gifted playmaker, racking up a career-best 71 assists to go with 10 goals for 81 points last season. Of course, a good number of those assists were off of goals by left wing and line-mate Daniel, who put up a career-best 36 goals as well as 48 assists for 84 points last season. (It has yet to be seen how either of the Sedin brothers performs without the other: Ever since Daniel and Henrik were drafted second and third, respectively, in the 1999 NHL draft, they’ve both remained relatively healthy, missing only a handful of games in their six seasons in the league. In fact, they’ve missed almost the same number of games. Perhaps, like evil twin brothers Tomax and Xamot of the G.I. Joe universe, if you knock one out the other one goes down, too?)

So yeah, Henrik’s the better passer, Daniel’s the better shooter, and they’re as identical as identical twins get, so it’s hard to tell who’s more of a looker. But the real question is, which one is the better dancer?

Choose whatever nickname you like, but—either way—one thing is for certain: The Washington Capitals’ Olaf Kolzig did not have his best game last night against the New York Islanders. After going down a pair of goals in the first two periods, the Caps made a third-period comeback off of goals from Alexander Ovechkin and Tomas Fleischmann, only to then surrender three more goals in the third period before finally losing 5-2. At least three of the five goals Kolzig gave up should have been saves; a fourth goal—Bill Guerin’s third of the night—could, arguably, also be considered a soft goal. (Didn’t Guerin retire, like, two decades ago?)

Kolzig detractors will proclaim that the season is over unless the organization immediately trades Kolzig, Brian Sutherby, and Steve Eminger to the Vancouver Canucks for Roberto Luongo—who should be able to tend goal until Caps goalie prospect Simeon Varlamov develops into the second coming of Jesus Christ. (Sounds like a good deal to me—get Vancouver on the line, GMGM!) Kolzig apologists, meanwhile, will point to the Caps’ pathetic powerplay (which went 0-6, including a lengthy 5-on-3) and defensive miscues before inevitably mentioning Kolzig’s leadership qualities, loyalty to the organization, and 2000 Vezina trophy as reasons to cut him some slack.

I’m going to sit here, drink my coffee, and say “Yeah, Olie didn’t look so hot last night. Hopefully he’ll look better next time. This shitty office coffee would go better with a donut.”

How can I remain so calm and dashingly handsome with pucks finding the back of Kolzig’s net almost half a dozen times in one night? Well, despite his consistently above average (and occasionally stellar) play during his many years with the organization, Kolzig has earned the reputation of letting in, on average, one soft goal per game. So, of the three weak goals he gave up last night, count one as overdue from the shutout he earned against the Carolina Hurricanes earlier this month, another as his softie for the night, and the last as an advance payment for the Caps’ next game—which, coincidentally, is this Saturday night against the teams’ most despised rivals, the Pittsburgh Penguins. So, you see, Kolzig was actually just getting his weak goal for Saturday night’s game taken care of a couple of nights early, as Sidney Crosby and the rest of the Penguins really don’t need any help in the scoring department. Kolzig, my man—you’re a genius!