Last month, I wrote a column on Eduardo Rodriguez, Artomatic’s “Penis Guy,” who claimed that the art exhibition had censored his genitalia-themed work (Show & Tell, “The Schlong Goodbye,” May 16, 2008). After the accusation hit local art forum artdc.org, Artomatic supporters delivered Rodriguez an extended e-smackdown, calling him an “asshole,” an “idiot,” and a “clown.” The thread then devolved, naturally, into jokes and posted clip-art about “clown cocks,” roosters dressed as circus performers.

Now, the Artomatic crew has taken the clown cocks to the next level: Crafts!

Tattoo studio britishink has crafted some limited edition “Clown Cock” pins, featuring a distressed blue-haired, red-nosed rooster, along with the phrase “Censor This!” (The pins also include a prominent shout-out to britishinkdc.com). Finally, you can display your art-feud allegiences prominently on your lapel.

Next up: woven W.W.C.C.D.? bracelets?

Artomatic closes Sunday.

Photo of Rodriguez by Darrow Montgomery.

My cousin was pregnant with her second child, and she and her husband went to the doctor for some tests, one of which pinpointed the exact date of conception. The doctor said to my cousin and her husband, “The test says you got pregnant on XYZ date. Does that seem right to you?” My cousin and her husband said, “Yes, I think we had sex that day,” and the doctor looked relieved. He told them that he always asks the “does that seem right to you” question anymore ever since he had an uncomfortable moment not that long ago.

A woman and her husband got the test, and the doctor said to them, “You conceived on ABC date,” at which point the husband said, “That’s impossible, I was in Iraq.” So the wife quickly said that there were contractors at the house that day, and one of the contractors must have masturbated into a towel that the wife then used after showering. The towel, then, managed to impregnate the wife.

The doctor told this story to illustrate some uncomfortable positions he’s found himself in, but my cousin and I wondered: is it possible to get pregnant from a towel?

I called my uncle, a retired ob-gyn doctor, to ask.

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The Washington Post has gone kid crazy lately, with huge stories on rich kids begging for a prom date (front page?), on the place oral sex has in kids’ lives, and now a series on obese kids.

A single story about rich, fat kids begging for oral sex at the prom would have sufficed.

Though perhaps Laura Sessions Stepp has already written that piece.

The confessional of a cheating heart in the most recent New York magazine really got me going, as, I’m sure, the editors hoped it would. This Philip Weiss guy has dug about a millimeter into the subject and come up with scientific proof men just can’t help sticking it in other women for a little variety! And enough with that female morality bull! Can’t American ladies just be a bit more French! (I mean, really, I think we already are. It’s just that we don’t talk about it.) I hope Weiss isn’t what galavanting young City Paper scribes grow up to become. (Sorry Franklin, just kidding.)

I missed the least sexy holiday of they year somehow. Yesterday was the National Day to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. Cristina Page at the Huffington Post did some data hunting on NARAL’s website and came up with the conclusion that kids in pro-life states get laid more often than kids in pro-choice states. They start doin’ it younger, and do it with more people too. Her assumption is that pro-life states are more likely to be places where schools and parents teach abstinence and cover their kids’ eyes when Bugs Bunny dresses like a lady. Of course, the causal relationship between the laws in those states and the horny tykes behavior behind the bleachers isn’t really drawn by the available data. The point is, pro-lifers aren’t having much luck with this whole abstinence campaign.

That said, I started to feel a little nervous today listening to NPR’s report on how women are waiting too long to have babies. If only I’d grown up in Wisconsin.

Durex.com (a friend linked me here; I do not surf Durex.com) has charted the sexual activity of countries around the globe. What Durex determines to be “sex” depends on what their definition of “is” is, but no matter! Whatever sex is, Greece does it most often, with 138 times a year on average, followed by Croatia (134), Serbia & Montenegro (128), and Bulgaria (127). Oh, Croatia, you old cad!

Go down a little further to find the United States, which gets sexy 118 times a year, on average. Japan takes up the rear (perhaps literally) with only 45 times a year. Plan your next sex vacation accordingly.

America: We’re number 11! If we want to bring our average up, we could start by using one of those condoms: It is, as usual, the young whippersnappers that are bringing us down. According to Durex, 35 to 44-year-olds are having the most sex (an average 112 times a year), compared to 108 times for 25 to 34-year-olds and only 90 times for 16 to 20-year-olds.

Still, there is reason to rejoice, Americans! The U.S., along with our Canadian bretheren, lead the globe in filmed sex, with 22% of respondents participating. No word on how many of those tapes make their way to Japan.

Moe at Jezebel points out the oh-gosh politics and journalism cross in strange ways news that Andrea Mitchell won’t let her hubby Alan Greenspan spend any time alone with his one-time snuggle bunny, Barbara Walters. Moe thinks our generation of women is more comfortable with sharing past partners. I think she’s right, for the most part. Especially in incestuous fields like journalism and politics, it’s sort of inevitable. And if you’re not totally dependent on dudes for your sense of self-worth, you won’t waste your time wondering if your girlfriend gave that one dude something you couldn’t. Mitchell’s situation is a bit different, since she is still in possession of said dude, and since Babs is so freaky. But, still, she should loosen the reigns a bit.

By now, you may have heard of the legal troubles of one James L. Walls Jr., the mayor of District Heights, Md., who was arrested for soliciting a male undercover cop for prostitution early Thursday morning.

Fun fact: Mere hours before Walls was arrested near Verizon Center, he had been hanging out with Ward 7 Councilmember Yvette Alexander at a community meeting in the Prince George’s County burg of Fairmount Heights, where Walls serves as town administrator.

What was Alexander doing across the District line? She had planned to attended a community meeting in her ward, but a scheduling snafu meant that didn’t happen. So she decided to check out the Fairmount Heights meeting and work on those interjurisdictional relations a bit. There, she met Walls.

LL learned of this when he ran into Alexander at the Wilson Building yesterday—before the Walls scandal broke. At that time, Alexander referred to Walls as “an amazing individual.”

When Alexander learned of Walls’ arrest later in the day, she called LL. “I can’t believe this!” she exclaimed between guffaws. “We were just talking about the prostitution on Eastern Avenue.”

LL inquired whether there were any outward signs that Walls might have been on the prowl. Says Alexander, “He had some fancy brown-and-white shoes on.”

Want to share medical information with past sexual someones, but just can’t find the words to say? Say it in an e-card! Internet Sexuality Information Services has developed inSPOT— short for “Internet Notification Service for Partners or Tricks”—to help bring pesky STD chats into the realm of belated birthdays and “just because” dancing GIFs. InSPOT provides a variety of virtual cards (Slate’s got screenshots of the e-offerings) complete with cute little phrases like “I got screwed while screwing, you might have too,” “Sometimes there are strings attached,” and “Got laid. Was happy. Got tested. Wasn’t healthy.”

As you might imagine, there are right ways and wrong ways to send an STD notification e-card. According to InSPOT, “If you decide to compose a personal message, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Think about how you were told—what you liked and what you didn’t—and put the best of it into words.” Furthermore, “You can send postcards anonymously or from your email address. Historically, when you tell a sex partner(s) yourself, it’s more likely s.he will ‘hear’ the message and get tested.”

I’m all for making STD notification easier, and if this e-card system helps people take the initiative to get tested, I think that’s great. Still, please do not send me one of these e-cards. First of all, as the e-card subject line reads “e-card from a concerned friend re: your health — via inSPOT,” it’s probably heading straight to my Spam folder, along with p3n1s enlargement notes and overseas investment opportunities. Second, I fear that the “anonymous” feature may encourage the grade school community to abuse the inSPOT system for its own amusement. Finally, while I accept the witless drivel of the e-card on throwaway holidays, I’d really prefer it not be used to impart important information concerning my reproductive system.

Take one inSPOT e-card for example (perfect for the journalist!). It reads: “Who? What? When? Where? It doesn’t matter. I got an STD; you might have it too. Please get checked out.” Actually, it does matter. And these oversized emoticons aren’t helping.

You know the fifty-color fliers and postcards good neighbors leave on your windshield? The ones inviting you to those exclusive afterhours parties and special events? The ones that would make Luther Campbell nod in approval?

While I’m not sure who actually responds to this spam and goes to these things, I do know that they constitute an annoyance. How many of these cards have I tossed into the backseat of my car? Too many!

It’s not a shock that people have complained. Southwest residents have been up in arms over them for a while. They’ve started calling them “Booty Cards.” Kinda perfect.

And they got Councilmember Tommy Wells‘ attention. After months of effort, Wells—along with the D.C. attorney general’s office—has been able to at least banish one company from distributing them. Wells, in a press release, calls this a “partial victory” for Southwest residents—and D.C. citizens in general.

Although he considered them pornographic, Wells knew he couldn’t fight them on indecency issues. Instead, his office went after the company over the trash they produce. A smart move!

-”This is just one battle in a much larger effort,” explains Wells’ Chief of Staff Charles Allen.

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Last week, the Post published an investigation by resident gender expert/increasingly irrelevant old person Laura Sessions Stepp on the effects of women’s empowerment on child-rearing. In order to engage Stepp a bit, let’s ignore the fact that she’s missed this issue by a decade or three and just skip on to her central question: With women now succeeding in the workforce as if they were men or something, “Who will take care of their children?”

Stepp keeps the queries coming: “Will women continue to run themselves ragged trying to be boss at work, full-time caregiver at home and on call for either obligation day and night?” Stepp asks. “Or will they look to their mates, who, should projections hold, may not be putting in as many hours at work as they?”

Stepp’s answers aren’t as important as her questions. Do we really need to continue to ask them? Can we not assume that women, men, childcare professionals, and villages will raise our youth while these crazy kids buy into this new trend of women succeeding in the workplace? Maybe Stepp, 56, is operating under some outdated assumptions here. To wit:

None of this is easy. We’re talking about changing habits of thought that go back to the days when women tended children in caves while their mates were out catching game and fighting off intruders.

Now, women are leaving the cave in increasing numbers and some men get nervous thinking women may one day lead the pack. Could it be that as men tiptoe back into the cave, we women worry that they’ll eventually take over?

Ah, leaving the cave: our eternal struggle. Allow me to suspend my rudimentary cave drawing for a moment to posit this question on the complex series of information tubes that we in the modern world refer to as the Internet: Why always with the babies?

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A couple of days ago, things seemed to be looking up for Kristen: “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis had offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre one million dollars to appear in a Girls Gone Wild magazine spread and tour video–no sex or nudity required! But Francis rescinded the offer yesterday when Girls Gone Wild staff discovered that Dupre had already stripped for a Girls Gone Wild tape–or seven.

“It’ll save me a million bucks,” Francis told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “It’s kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch.”

Are there no true Cinderella stories? These have to be the saddest two sentences I’ve read in recent memory:

According to a “Girls Gone Wild” press release, Dupre visited Miami in 2003 to celebrate her 18th birthday. After fighting with a friend and getting thrown out of her hotel, Dupre found a nearby “Girls Gone Wild” bus, the company said.

AP’s got the (censored) video.

A young woman I’m acquainted with just started a Facebook group dedicated to outing her ex boyfriend as a lying cheating bastard. It’s called “I hate *** ***” and has five members so far. Now the scorned lady seems to have some good reasons for being upset with the guy in question, also an acquaintance of mine. He went on an exotic vacation with an ex, lied about it, reunited with the current girlfriend and then posted pics of the steamy trip (clear water, bikini, frolicking) on, you guessed it, Facebook.

She explains:

So, look I know this group is ridiculous and immature and really classless, but I just cannot get over how unfairly this ended. I am over ****, I’m just not over the disrespect, you know?

You don’t have to actually hate *** to join this group cause let’s face he is pretty adorable and he is pretty great to go to a party with.

The only intention of this group is that *** maybe has to endure a couple of awkward conversations. Like what if a bunch of people went up to *** and were like “You got [scorned lady] pregnant? What the fuck?” That would be a pretty fun conversation.

Anyway, yeah, I think there is beauty in the breakdown and I kinda’ just want to see what life is like if I live totally impulsively. Good things come from bad situations right? And, besides I am about as dramatic as it gets anyway. Me and Britney…

Yeah, well. I think only bad things can come from this situation. It isn’t very nice and it could lead to even less nice developments, for *** and the rest of us. If I were a lying, cheating bitch, I certainly wouldn’t want to be called out on the internet. What about false accusations? Maybe *** is really innocent. I think this is the bad ending I feared from another Facebook group scandal in Portland, Ore. My friend Beth wrote an awesome story about a group, called “Morgan Shaw-Fox is a Piece of Shit Rapist.” It concerned a student at Lewis & Clark college, who several people suspected of being a piece of shit rapist. Problem was, they didn’t go to the police first. Some of my friends thought the group was a good idea, a viable choice in a society where women’s claims of rape often don’t stand up in court. And that’s a good point. But I really, really think the whole rule of law thing is still more important. Right?

Kudos to the New York Times for digging into Spitzer prostitute Ashley Alexandra Dupré’s MySpace page and coming up with this gem:

On the Web page is a recording of what she describes as her latest track, “What We Want,” a hip-hop-inflected rhythm-and-blues tune that asks, “Can you handle me, boy?” and uses some dated slang, calling someone her “boo.”

But the Times missed the real draw of Dupré’s site: the user comments. What do you say when your online acquaintance is revealed as a prostitute? Whatever it is, it’s probably in all caps. The highlights:

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You may have heard of D.C.-based freelance writer (and former City Paper writer/editor) Charlotte Allen: She wrote that thing about how women are (spoiler alert) “kind of dim.” Needless to say, a lot of people didn’t like it. Yesterday, Allen was kind enough to meet up with me to talk about the Post piece, the Clinton campaign, and why women are good at tending for the weak and the old (sign me up!).

Here are some excerpts:

CP: You’ve certainly gotten quite a response from the piece. What do you think of the responses?

CA: Well, I thought [Post Ombudsman Deborah Howell's] position was essentially ridiculous. She was saying that women are such frail flowers that nobody can make a joke about them, including other women, which is just absurd. You know, we’re half the population.

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