In this week’s “What’s Your Problem?” I spoke with performance artist Holly Bass, who challenges media stereotypes of black women by incorporating a humongous detachable butt into her routines. In order to mock-up this bigger booty, Bass invented what she calls “booty balls,” a pair of basketballs that she straps on top of her own derrière. So, what’s the problem? I don’t want to give away the ending, but let’s just say it involved some tightening up of some loose, err … okay, okay, some loose basketballs. Below: the evolution of Bass’s booty.

“WNBA” at the Hip Hop Theater Festival, 2007

Learn more about Bass’s work in “Fake Your Booty,” Maura Judkis’ feature about Bass’s booty work.

Rumor control: Upset the Setup has to correct a reader about his upcoming show at Velvet Lounge. It’s pretty funny–especially the apology to mom.–Jason Cherkis

Yesterday, President Abraham Lincoln’s cottage opened its doors to a new era. This Northwest site, where Lincoln resided seasonally from 1862 to 1864, underwent a $15 million restoration by the National Trust for Historic Preservation, according to the group’s press release. Well, golly, that’s a lot of money to spend just to herd a few over-the-hill history buffs through the door. So, the house is also actively trying to appeal to the youth. And how better to continue Lincoln’s legacy than with a rap? Yes, that’s right, there’s now a hip hop song about a man that died in 1865. Check out the proud press release:

The [opening day] program closed with James Anderson’s performance of “Ride On Abraham,” a hip hop song written by Karen Chatman for President Lincoln’s Cottage. This song will be a part of the extensive educational programming to be offered for school groups at the site. “Karen’s song embodies our approach to engaging visitors in new ways,” said Frank Milligan. “We believe that the unique interactive aspects of our tour experience at President Lincoln’s Cottage and the Robert H. Smith Visitor Education Center will provide children and adults with a new way of seeing history. We’re particularly excited to get young audiences engaged in Lincoln’s story.”

No, I haven’t been able to track down the rap yet. According to the cottage’s website, the home is located on the Armed Forces Retirement Home campus in Washington, D.C. The entrance to the AFRH is the Eagle Gate at Rock Creek Church Road NW and Upshur Street NW, 20011

Last Thursday, I headed down to the free MC Hammer concert outside the Ronald Reagan Building. Along with a healthy dose of parachute pants, repping of Oakland, Calif., and that crazy sideways dance that Hammer does, I got a crash course in how to piss off a plaza full of Hammer fans.

The lesson came courtesy of a man called Shack n’D Pack. Shack n’D Pack is a radio personality on WPGC. His name seems a riff on a Burger King Value Meal prize. He’s also the purveyor of some of the most bizarre concert stalling tactics I have ever experienced.

Shack n’D Pack began by announcing, “we about to turn this motha OUT, Ronald Reagan Building & International Traaaaaaaade!”

It quickly became clear, however, that no mothers were to be turned out anytime soon.

Here’s a rough breakdown of how Shack n’D Pack attempted to fill Hammer’s hour-long absence:

• Traipses around the audience in a blind attempt to shake every person’s hand. Insists, “Everyone knows Shack n’D Pack!”
• Demands that an audience member provide him with a dollar bill for use in a magic trick; claims that the dollar provided is the “wrong type of dollar.”
• Demands that a second audience member provide him with a dollar bill for use in a magic trick; claims that the dollar bill has “Washington’s wonky eyes.”
• Fails to complete magic trick.
• Asks an audience member where she hails from. When she answers, “Northern Virginia,” exclaims, “Northern Virginia! That means she got some money!”
• Calls a photographer onstage; insists that he dance for the audience. Photographer refuses.
• Announces that MC Hammer is ready; walks backstage.
• Hidden from view, adopts a strange Darth Vader impression. Announces, “This is MC Hammer.”
• Is not MC Hammer.
• Launches into a grossly inaccurate overview of Hammer’s career that begins, “The year…is 1976. After 200,000 years of entertainment…one man…comes to America. His name…is MC Hammer.”
• Returns to stage without MC Hammer. Insists several times that “Everybody turn around! Everybody turn around!”
• Sees that audience realizes MC Hammer is not behind them and is becoming irate. Tries Vader voice again. “Siiiiiiileeeeence!” he commands, unsucessfully, approximately a dozen times.
• Rushes backstage again. Yells, “Hammer! Take the mic! Take the mic, Hammer!”

Halfway through Shack n’D Pack’s performance, I felt like I’d been transported into an existentialist nightmare—a “Waiting for Hammer,” if you will, wherein Shack n’D Pack represents humanity’s absurd and heartbreaking attempt to find purpose in a world where Hammer may or may not show up. More than once, I worried seriously whether MC Hammer might actually be dead.

He wasn’t. But when he did finally step out, in trademark boxy suit, low-cut T-shirt, and parachute pants, I couldn’t help but wonder: is that MC Hammer? Or just fucking Shack n’D Pack in an MC Hammer costume?

I won’t call it a trend—I’d need more than two examples for that—but I’m already exhausted by white guys deploying acoustic guitars to make ironic commentaries about hip-hop. Last fall a Chicago act called Nice Peter got some attention with “50 Cent Is a Pussy”, a diss track that isn’t exactly sure what it’s dissing. (Frontman Peter Shukoff’s hamhanded attempt to explain the song is here.) And currently rising up Technorati’s list of most popular YouTube videos is a cover of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” by Brooklyn singer-songwriter Jonathan Coulton. The guy has clearly spent too much time reshaping the song into an oozing adult-contemporary number for it to be a total goof, but the joke’s obvious ten seconds in. It’s also kind of a bore—doing the song James Taylor–style stretches it close to six minutes.

Cover track, guy making a funny, or example of sublimated anxiety about race? Mark your calendars: Coulton plays Jammin’ Java on Sunday, March 11, which may answer the question.

The 1st Annual DMV awards are going down this Sunday, January 14, and they’ve got nothing to do with getting your car inspected. Promise.

The DMV (that’s short for D.C., Maryland, and Virginia) Entertainment Hip-Hop and Music Awards, organized by D.C. rap luminary Brother Maniac, is bringing together some of the best hip-hop, R&B, and go-go acts in the area, drawing artists from all different spheres of the local arts scene.

The MCs/live-instruments mix of Opus Akoben is nominated in the same “Best Band or Group” category as go-go band Familiar Faces. The jazzy hip-hop verse of the Poemcees is right next to the Southeast storytelling of Money for Life in the “Best Rap Group” contest. Other categories to watch: “Beast of Baltimore,” a concession to this region’s northern cousins; the charming, high-school-yearbook-esque “Most Likely To Succeed”; and the oh-so-thick “Best Male Rap Artist” race. The nominees include 20 Bello, Kingpin Slim, Multiple Man, Priest da Nomad, 2006 John Lennon Songwriting Contest winner Storm the Unpredictable, Tabi Bonney, and Whitefolkz.

There will be 24 award presentations and several live performances on an excellent, female-heavy bill: Gina Rose, Madam Madon, Porche’ 9-11, Shy Thoro, Durty Dy-Anna, Shellberaw, and Kyana, among others.

Ten bucks gets you in before 8 p.m., but even if you arrive late and have to shell out $15, it’s a pittance for the privilege of seeing some of the best artists in the area peforming and being honored. It’ll be like the BET Awards, ’cept you won’t have to watch Terrence and Rosci trying to dance.

1st Annual DMV Entertainment & Music Awards
Club Onyx, 817 Southern Avenue, Oxon Hill, MD.
$10-$15
Call 1 (888) 961-0111 for more information or click here.

Was there a weirder, more perfect moment on MTV than LL Cool J’s performance on Unplugged? Let’s forget about the rapper’s long string of lousy movies. And let’s just ignore the man’s exercise book, LL Cool J’s Platinum Workout (billed as “a revolutionary new program that promises to help anyone build muscle and burn fat en rout[e] to 6-pack abs”). OK, that’s a lot to dismiss. But today, City Paper critic Joe Warminsky blogs up an appreciation of that glorious moment of underarm deodorant, shirtlessness, and rockin’ two mics at once. You can read it here.

In the weeks before a scheduled Sept. 6 video shoot for the rap group Money for Life, Alfredo Nelson, a member and manager of the act, had fliers printed up, sent out e-mails, and invited what he describes as “very, very important people” to the event. Everything was in place for the shoot, which was to take place during a regular Wednesday-night open mic at Upshur Street NW’s Island Cafe.

But a couple of hours before Money for Life was to go on, manager Darryl Smith shut the club down. Event promoter Tina Turner, aka DJ Sexy Spice, told Nelson that Smith said he had decided to close his establishment right before the city’s Sept. 12 primary and would not reopen until after the Nov. 7 general election. Turner says Smith complained of frequent visits from alcoholic-beverage inspectors and the health department and believed things would die down after the ballots were cast. “He said he feels like the election is the reason they’re picking on him, and he wants stuff to die down,” she says. “It doesn’t make sense.”

Nelson, who still hasn’t scheduled a reshoot, concedes that police presence and licensing enforcement might be beefed up prior to elections but says “I still didn’t believe it.” Smith says he did indeed close the club down and says that he believes the primary is the reason that his place has been inspected more frequently than what he claims is the typical three times a year.
“I’m not the only one—other places have closed down,” Smith says. “We can’t bear all of the daily pressures.”

Every Tuesday and Thursday, we run down what’s going on in local Internet discussion groups.

DC_MD_VA_Rap_list
One man’s fatal impaling by sea creature is, of course, another man’s marketing opportunity. On the always lively DC/MD/VA Rap List, rapper Whitefolkz sends out a message with the subject line: “R.I.P Steve Irwin ‘Crocodile Hunter,’” which turns out to be more a plug for his new album than a tribute to the fallen Aussie naturalist. “THIS IS JUST ANOTHER REASON WHY YOU SHOULD 6UY THE NEW WHITEFOLKZ AL6UM, THE WAY THAT I LIVE, INSTEAD OF PLAYING WITH STINGRAYS,” the rapper writes. “THE WHITEFOLKZ CD HAS SHARP AND ON POINT LYRICS 6UT THE CD IS NOT POISONOUS. SAVE AN AUSTRALIAN, 6UY THE WHITEFOLKZ CD.”

MountPleasantDC
When Eric posts to the list wondering if there’s any chance of recovering a laptop stolen from his apartment, neighborhood resident Karen responds that she has seen Eric’s computer—thinking it was hers, a few cops tried to give it to her a few nights ago after someone tried to rob her. She adds that the thief was apprehended by her neighbors, but she decided not to press charges because “he said he was MS-13 and I don’t want a gang pissed at me.” Turns out, the laptop is indeed Eric’s—he finds it down at the 3rd District station, but Mt. P residents were less interested in Karen’s good Samaritan lost-and-found services than her complete wuss-out. Says neighbor Marty: “I represent the Harvard Street Hellraisers, an affiliation without the PR machine that makes MS so well known, but we are pretty tough in our own right. We’d like take a look around your place and see if there’s anything we’d like, hopefully you will grant us the same immunity from prosecution that you’ve extended to MS-13. After all, I’m sure you don’t want us to be mad at you either,” he writes, with this addendum: “please note there is no such group as the Harvard street hellraisers and that this is sarcasm and not a threat.”

TakomaDC
Everything in moderation—including e-list moderation. Sharon, who calls herself the “TakomaDC List Mum,” announced she’s taking a break from such draining tasks as deleting spam and reminding posters to trim their tails. She’s passing duties off to Rich for a few weeks, she says, adding “I hope for a few weeks—we’ll see how long everyone lasts!” Why the break? Heated conversation over the upcoming elections have sapped her energy—and patience. “I was short with a couple of people last week and realized that I need a break from making decisions. My anxiety was less the result of the specific messages involved than anticipation of more to come as the election nears. The upcoming primary was turning the joy of this political season into something less like a freedom and more like a bull fight,” Sharon writes. “So, have fun everyone, and listen to Rich if he has to remind people to play nice.”

Kanye West has built a career on being a college dropout, and Cam’ron has complained that attending university would only get in the way of his Lamborghini habit, but the historically contentious relationship between hiphop and higher learning is easing. In an effort to further convince aspiring rappers that book learning can complement street knowledge rather than cancel it out, Howard University is looking into establishing a minor in hip-hop.

The campaign to create the minor, which would be the first of its kind in the country, is being waged by Joshua Kondwani Wright, a Howard University graduate student, who hopes it will be offered within the next 3 to 5 years. Toward that end, Wright organized the March 30 Hip Hop and Higher Education Symposium, a daylong event that brought in such hip-hop insiders as WKYS-FM radio personality Jeannie Jones and video director Lil X. Wright says sessions such as “Hustle and Flow: The Economic and Political Impact of Hip Hop” were designed to be the basis of possible future course offerings.

Wright, who began working on establishing the course of study at the beginning of this semester, says that historically black colleges and universities like Howard are behind on the hip-hop-education trend.

“Doing research I found [hip-hop courses] at Stanford, a number of Ivy League and state schools, but not too many HBCUs—�it was kind of shocking. More are starting classes, but it still seems that HBCUs should be at the forefront of this push.”

Dr. Elizabeth Clark-Lewis, a professor of history who teaches the course “A History of Hip Hop” along with Howard alum and former 106th and Park host AJ Calloway, maintains that hip-hop has been at the center of Howard courses since the early ’90s, but says that a minor focusing on the genre would be a part of a “cultural continuity” at the university.

“I think it’s very possible and, I stress to say, very probable,” Clark-Lewis says. “Howard has always taken the lead in terms of African history and African American history.”

Although the minor is still a few years off, Wright is already looking to go major. “One of the quotes I said [during the seminar] was from Big: ‘Who ever thought that hip-hop could take it this far?’ One professor is doing a graduate seminar at Georgetown in hip-hop this fall. In 1980, no one ever thought that Georgetown would have a graduate seminar in hip-hop.

“In that sense, there’s no reason [Howard] can’t have a minor in a few years and no reason why, maybe, it couldn’t be a major.”