I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic since I’m not headed home for the holidays. To make up for it, I recently bought two albums from my grandparents’ record collection: Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf, an orchestral children’s story narrated, in this version, by Boris Karloff; and a recording of Dylan Thomas reading his poem, A Child’s Christmas in Whales. The Peter and the Wolf, not exactly a holiday offering, was always my favorite. There is some debate about Prokofiev’s artistic loyalty to the Soviet government, which commissioned the allegorical tale. It tells the story of Peter, who witnesses some downright Hobbesian interactions among the forest creatures behind his grandfather’s house. A duck and a bird call each other names, a cat tries to eat the bird, and a wolf eats the duck. In my nostalgic imagination, I’d remembered a happy ending. Not so! Even though Peter captures the wolf, the duck remains trapped inside, alive and quacking to this day. Merry Christmas!

The Dylan Thomas wasn’t as much fun. I set the album on my little record player and sat down, awaiting the waves of quiet, Presbyterian family memories. But, just like six-year-old Angela, I had no tolerance for Thomas’ impossible warble. I wanted to go outside and play. (In moments of actual patience, I do like Thomas. This is one of my favorites.)

Reason magazine, a periodical dedicated to hipsterifying the libertarian set, hosted a secular Christmas party in their Dupont Circle offices last night. The marquis attraction was a reading of Tom Lehrer’s sardonic poem, A Christmas Carol.

Maybe it was the forced crowd participation (who wants to read along to an off-kilter poem you don’t know) but the presentation was a bit ho-hum. I’d never heard of Lehrer, but he’s a relic worth re-examining. Here’s the man himself, singing about the periodic table.

When I moved into my new apartment last summer, I found that it came stocked with some sweet goods: Futon. Toaster. Lamps. It also came with this baby: the iTouchless Trashcan.

This trashcan opens and closes its lid by sensor.

You don’t even have to touch it!

At first, the can was just mildly unsettling–it seemed an unneccessarily futuristic intrusion in our household. Plus, it had the tendency to go on the fritz: At times, the lid seemed to open and close indiscriminately; at others, you’d have scan your banana peel over the sensor a couple times before iTouchless would grant you access. Now, the batteries are dead and we’ve lost the lid to hold the new ones in. We’re forced to pry the lid open with our hands like commoners.

There’s only one reason you would buy this for somebody: You want them to look like a total asshole.

Now, I am all in favor of lawns and art and lawn art. And these little statuettes from home-furnishing cataloguer Frontgate might just make a fine gift. But boy putting and girl putting will run you $2,500. Each.

Even if D.C. ever really got enough snow to make a snowman, I have to wonder: Is there anything more pathetic than one that comes to life via Restoration Hardware?

To wit: Kit ($14.99) comes with “everything you need to dress Frosty in his finest,” including “coal” for the eyes and mouth, a “carrot” nose, three buttons, and a pipe, all carved of hardwood and mounted on skewers. While waiting for enough snow to hold your wood, keep your handcrafted items in the knit cap (surely not made in Sri Lanka). It doubles as a storage bag!

No need to search for stones and sticks. That’s for the kids in Ward 7.

Ever have trouble operating a roll of paper towels? Hang in there. The folks over at SkyMall have just the thing.

The write-up says it all:

No more wasted paper towels! The Towel-Matic’s sensor-activated control dispenses one sheet, two sheets, or the new half sheet with just a wave of your hand. It never unravels. Built-in optical sensor automatically identifies the perforations on the towel and stops right at the line every time.

One-handed operation guarantees perfect tearing and helps prevent the spread of germs. Designed for tabletop, wall mount or under-cabinet mount.

Requires 4 D batteries (not included).

Ah, so the batteries aren’t included. That may explain why the Towel-Matic is available for a song—only $59.99!

Above, please behold the “Day Clock.” Just $39.98, one AA battery not included. Now don’t get me wrong: I know there are people in this world who space out on what day it is. But still, you gotta love the fact that Full of Life, the retailer here, suggests taking the “Day Clock” on “vacations and cruises when it’s easy to lose track of the day.” Really, who’s gonna pack a nearly 10-inch-wide day clock for such occasions?

If that’s not rocking your world, please see the item below it–a strap-on back and shoulder massager, which runs on four AA batteries.

People wear scarves because they get cold in and around the neck and lower-face region. People wear vests with pockets because they don’t quite need a full jacket but want some warmth and storage space in and around the torso.

Well, the people at Plow & Hearth apparently thought there was a need for something in between these two fashion staples. And the result is something that the company calls “Functional Neckwear.” Here’s the Plow & Hearth pitch: “Breeze through airport security and keep your hands free with a stylish scarf-like accessory that has more stash slots than a man’s suit jacket.”

Just $39.95.

Stop the presses! The DC Young Republicans straw poll results are here. McCain and Giuliani dead heat! On Tuesday night, the DCYR club held their annual holiday party at Garrett’s in Georgetown. Drinks were drunk. Votes were cast. Here’s the breakdown of results, according to Marcus Skelton, Chair of the DCYR and 2006 candidate for At-Large City Councilmember:

Tom Tancredo: 2%
Fred Thompson: 7%
Ron Paul: 13%
Mitt Romney: 15%
Mike Huckabee: 19%
John McCain: 22%
Rudy Giuliani: 22%
Total Ballots: 54

My wife’s family eats Thanksgiving dinner late. This year we didn’t start feasting until after 8 p.m., which is just fine by me. I’ve never been a fan of the four-o’clock stuffing, which leaves you hungry right before bedtime. And we all know that eating before bed is not good for digestion.

But dining late on Thanksgiving forces you to eat a regular lunch, and since Carrie—known as the Ballbuster or the old Ball and Chain in my macho household—and I didn’t want to invest any more time in the kitchen, we searched for an open restaurant in downtown Silver Spring. It wasn’t easy. We feared we might be stuck unwrapping cold sandwiches at Starbucks.

Then we noticed, to our dismay really, that Pho Hiep Hoa was serving. We had been avoiding the place for the same reason every other pretentious asshole does—no one trusts a Vietnamese pho shop in a commercial, white-bread strip center crammed with a Potbelly Sandwich Works, a Red Lobster, and a place that dares to call itself Eggspectation. Perhaps the Thanksgiving spirit—or extreme hunger—had softened my critical faculties, but I was quite happy with my pho. My fragrant bowl of eye-round, flank steak, brisket, tendon, and tripe went down extremely well, even if the noodle-to-protein ratio was about 5 to 1 in favor of the noodles. Then again, with pho, half the battle is waged tableside, where the quality of your soup is determined by a wise application of jalapenos, Thai basil, fish sauce, Sriracha sauce, and other condiments. I’ve learned how I like mine.

The real surprise at Pho Hiep Hoa proved to be the beverage menu, which includes milk shakes. I almost ordered the durian shake, but then chickened out. Instead, I got the avocado version, which sounded equally disgusting. The pale green liquid in the milkshake glass looked like lime sherbet, but it tasted like cream, sugar and…the unmistakable flavor of avocado. Truth be told, the avocado’s unctuousness was pretty muted, tamped down by all the milk and sugar. The shake played off the vegetable’s creaminess as much as its flavors. I have to admit, I really liked the drink, even when I sucked chunks of improperly mashed avocados through the straw.

From nbc4.com:

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — It’s Thanksgiving, but turkeys have to eat, too.

A turkey was spotted in the drive-through of a Dunkin’ Donuts in Hagerstown Wednesday morning.

The turkey walked right in between two cars and waited in line at the store on Dual Highway.

There’s been no word on whether the turkey actually ended up getting his coffee and doughnuts.

No word? Come on, nbc4.com! How hard is it to follow that lead? You were right there!

This week’s question comes from Washington City Paper news reporter Ruth Samuelson, who wants to know:

“I, like many other people, have family coming into town this week for Thanksgiving. We want to have a decent meal on Saturday night, but I’m having trouble coming up with a local restaurant that will, presumably, meet everyone’s approval. Mostly spicy cuisines are probably out, as well as highfalutin foodie joints with unrecognizable dishes. The budget is $25 to $35 per person, including drinks and possibly shareable appetizers or dessert. And, ideally, the restaurant wouldn’t be extremely loud.”

Maybe you’d like President Bush to stop by your table, too, with Dick Cheney in minstrel outfit frolicking in the background and playing “Hail to the Chief” on pan flute? What you’re asking for, Ruth, is a tall order, particularly because, as you said in a separate note, “the idea is definitely to impress” the family a bit. In D.C.’s ever-expensive restaurant climate, $35 doesn’t go very far, particularly if that price must include tax and tip. For example, I recently had lunch—lunch, mind you—at Brasserie Beck and it ran $38.50, without tip. My meal? One beer ($9), one brioche appetizer ($9), and one bowl of mussels ($17).

I’ve been combing through my recent receipts and checking various sources, trying to find some good, not-too-expensive restaurants that might impress your kin without being too noisy or too spicy. The list is not long, and it may require some sacrifices on your family’s part. You definitely won’t be able to have pre-dinner drinks or cocktails, which will likely add between $5 and $15 per person to the check. Nor will you be able to have more than two courses each. You may even have to split a bottle of cheap wine to keep your liquor costs down.

With those caveats, I’d suggest the following restaurants, both for the (general) quality of their food and for offering an environment, a vibe, or an experience that you won’t find elsewhere. In no particular order, I’d take the family to Oyamel (many of the antojitos at José Andrés’ downtown operation are not spicy, but just make sure to go early; it can get noisy later in the evening); Hank’s Oyster Bar (either the Dupont Circle or Old Town location), Rustico in Alexandria (try one of the Bites & Beer appetizers); Colorado Kitchen in Brightwood Park (you may have to share an app, since the entrees are often in the $20 range); Palena Café in Cleveland Park (the roast chicken and truffled cheeseburger are among the best in town, but go early, ‘cause it’s first come, first served in the front of the house); Dr. Granville Moore’s (the hip new moules et frites joint on H Street NE could cross your noise threshold, particularly if the jukebox is blaring); Old Ebbitt Grill in downtown (the powerbroker ambience and oysters alone make Ebbitt worth a trip); Comet Ping Pong on Connecticut Avenue NW (no ordinary pizzeria, this joint serves up uniquely handcrafted New Haven-style pies in a cool, industrial playground); Central Michel Richard on Pennsylvania Avenue NW (no lobster burger for you!); and, finally, if your family is a little adventurous, I’d suggest the Saturday dim sum at Hollywood East Café on the Boulevard (it may be the cheapest best meal in the area).

Ruth, I hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving, regardless of where you choose to eat in the days after the feast.

Come close, dear reader. There is something I want to tell you.

I have a Tofurkey in my freezer.

Yes, it is true. I would not lie to you about such a matter. Were you to open my freezer right now, you would find this Tofurkey. Please do not ask me from whence it came, as I do not remember. It is a mystery Tofurkey.

I have not been a vegetarian for some time now—at least three years. Yet, this mystery Tofurkey has been with me for the last three Thanksgivings—and, each Thanksgiving, I contemplate eating it. (Last year, I even went so far as to partially defrost it before finding out that my roommates had planned a huge Thanksgiving Day feast at our house, rendering my Tofurkey superfluous—at which point it was returned to its regular resting place in the freezer.) You see, despite the fact that I eat real turkey, I enjoy the act of eating Tofurkey as well. The rubbery texture and artificial turkey flavorings are quite satisfying in ways that real turkey does not deliver.

Gobble gobble.

So, will 2007 be the big year for my neglected Tofurkey? It is possible, as I know it will be delicious and my desire to eat it grows with each passing year. One of my current roommates also happens to be a vegetarian, and perhaps I will be able to persuade her to talk me into cooking the Tofurkey. However, this year I will be spending the majority of Thanksgiving Day with my family, who will undoubtedly have no interest in my frozen bundle of turkey-flavored tofu. And, if previous Thanksgiving Day experiences at the Borlik household are any indication, I will be returning home with more than enough leftover turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, corn, cranberry sauce, and pie to meet all Thanksgiving holiday-related food needs.

Rest assured that I will provide an update regarding the fate of my Tofurkey after the Thanksgiving holiday.

Fun fact: I misspelled the word “Tofurkey” each and every time I typed it during the writing of this blog post. Try typing it for yourself: Tofurkey. It’s tricky.

Walking in Mount Pleasant recently, I noticed a few jack–o’–lanterns still out in front of some homes. By now, of course, some look like they’ve started to decay.

What a great idea, I thought. Think about it: With Halloween’s preoccupation with skeletons, ghosts, tombstones, and so on, what good does a bright, shiny, healthy-looking orange pumpkin do? For my money, a scary face staring out at you from a pumpkin that looks gangrenous cuts a lot closer to the spirit of the holiday.

So if you carve pumpkins for Halloween next year, be proactive. Do it a few weeks earlier. Let ‘em rot for the trick-or-treaters.