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A couple weeks ago, while I was hanging out in Spingarn High’s workout room for a story on the sorry state of the school’s football program, a woman walked in holding a clipboard with several pages of names.

She called out each name, and asked Paris Adon, the Spingarn football coach, how many hours each kid spent in the workout room. Times generally ranged from 0 to 40 hours per week, though Adon said he’d never heard of several of the names on the list.

I’m sorta slow, and city government scandals ain’t my bailiwick, but when the woman asked if it would be all right to put paychecks on the kids’ “debit cards,” it finally hit me that that she was an auditor working with the fabled summer jobs program, and that the kids on her list were being paid to hang out at Spingarn’s workout room.

But, as bizarre as the city has been my whole life, I couldn’t believe tax dollars would actually go to kids to lift weights and play pool. I had to deliver newspapers or pool chlorine (still the two best jobs I ever had).

So I asked Adon: Kids are being paid to come to Spingarn and work out? That’s a summer job in D.C.? No way!

Way! Adon told me.

“And I still can’t get anybody to show up,” Adon said. “But that’s a whole other story.”

After months and months of other establishments opening in the DC USA mall in Columbia Heights, the Washington Sports Club is finally welcoming patrons as well. Club hours are currently as follows: Monday-Friday 6:00 a.m.-9:00 p.m. ; Saturday-Sunday 8:00 a.m.-7:00 p.m., though an employee at the club said the hours will change in July to Monday-Thursday 5 a.m. - 11 p.m.; Friday 5 a.m.-10 p.m.; Saturday and Sunday 7 a.m.-8 p.m.

The American College of Sports Medicine has released a list of the fittest American metropolitan regions, and the D.C. area, not surprisingly, cracks the top five.

(1) San Francisco
(2) Seattle
(3) Boston
(4) Washington D.C.
(5) Atlanta
(6) Philadelphia
(7) Chicago
(8) Dallas/Fort Worth
(9) New York City
(10) Miami/Fort Lauderdale

Health experts “took into consideration a number of health indicators, including the percentage of people who exercise regularly, maintain a healthy weight, eat the recommended daily servings of fruits and vegetables, have access to health care, have health insurance and don’t smoke,” according to an article in USA Today.

I used to work with a libertarian. I mention his political philosophy only because he always wanted to talk about libertarianism—how if anyone looked inside of themselves, really looked inside of themselves, they’d find that they, too, were predisposed toward libertarianism. If you’ve worked with a libertarian, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

One day he displayed his commitment to personal liberty by walking around Bryant Park without his shirt on. I’m sorry, it’s weird to see someone from your office shirtless, especially if you’re just trying to eat your lunch and he has unusually prominent nipples and every time you’re in a meeting with him afterward you can’t get the words “party hats…party hats” out of your brain.

So via the “Blog Log” in today’s Express, let me second this rant from B(ridge) and T(unnel) Crowd about men in D.C. jogging without shirts. I see this behavior a lot anytime it’s a nice day on the Rock Creek Park or Mount Vernon Trails. (Guys who run with their shirts off don’t run on days when weather would compel them to cover up.)

The post’s author is absolutely correct: Get something that wicks and spare us the sight of your heaving man-flesh. Oh, and while we’re on the topic, dude with his shirt off, sunglasses on his head, talking on his cell and walking slowly down the middle of the trail? Can’t you do that somewhere else?

Photo by kroo2u

Forget knitting. Forget Oprah and Bingo and watching sports. This week, D.C. seniors are competing in track and field, bowling, tennis, and archery.

D.C. Parks and Rec and the Office on Aging today kicked off the 25th annual D.C. Golden Olympics for District residents over 50. This year is also a qualifying year for the 2009 Summer National Senior Games in San Francisco, so those who place first, second, or third will get to compete against other overly athletic seniors from around the country.

At this morning’s opening ceremony, Bradford Tatum, 87, and his 89-year-old brother, John, said they have been preparing all year for the Golden Olympics. Both residents of Northeast, they grew up in Georgetown and started swimming almost 80 years ago in their neighborhood pool.

Younger brother Bradford, who is competing in the 500-yard freestyle swim, had the honor of carrying the sort-of golden, possibly plastic torch at this morning’s ceremony in recognition of the six medals he won last year.

So, OK, the paper flames actually fell out of the golden/plastic torch as he made his way around the Emory Recreation Center auditorium. But no matter.

After the pomp and circumstance, wellwishers with mechanical wheelchairs, walking canes, and baggy T-shirts loaded up on private charter buses and made their way to Takoma Aquatic Center for the 500 freestyle.

Tomorrow: track, long jump, softball, tennis, football, archery, and shot put. Thursday: golf, basketball, swimming, and bowling. Friday: pool, table tennis, and the big closing ceremony at Fort Stevens Recreation Center.

Robert King, special assistant for DPR said the Golden Olympics have been so successful because D.C. residents are living longer. “With the senior population at 16 percent and growing, it is important that seniors participate in these games and practice throughout the year,” King said. “It’s never too late to start.”

He doesn’t have to tell it to Sue Barns, 80. A Brookland resident, she started running at the age of 60 and won the gold medal in the Penna Relays Master in 2000 as the oldest female participant.

She’s got some advice for the rest of us: “There is no excuse for young people to be sittin’ around.”

—Whitney Boyd

After exhaustively chasing down this story, I am pleased to report that the Rock Creek Park Parcourse is being replaced by much nicer equipment. The new fitness stations are manufactured by the Columbia Cascade Company of Portland, Ore., and sold under the name TimberForm. Laura Kruss, sales supervisor at Columbia Cascade, wasn’t sure which TimberForm product we are getting in D.C.—you’ve got your Fitness Clusters, which according to the TimberForm Web site, “may be installed at a single compact site or at four different locations” and your Fitness Routes, which Kruss says are “intended to be strung along a trail.”

I told her I’d seen a sign saying that Group C of exercises could be performed in the area below the Connecticut Avenue NW bridge. “That’s probably the Cluster,” Kruss said. As to the suggestion that outdoor fitness trails have fallen out of fashion, Kruss said she couldn’t give me an exact number of how many trails Columbia Cascade has installed, but she says TimberForm and PipeLine products are “very popular all over the country. Also, we’ve put a few in military installations here and in Canada.”

So outdoor fitness trails aren’t in any danger from home equipment and gyms?

“Nope, these are very popular,” says Kruss.

NPS’ Bill Line left me a message: “Yes, the Parcourse is being replaced,” he said. “The reason why is because the equipment is old and has lived its life and needs to be removed. We are installing new equipment. I don’t know when that work will be completed.”

So there you have it. Something old is being replaced by something new. I called back to find out what and left another message. I’d lay odds that the new equipment will be awesome, because new stuff is usually better than old stuff.

Mysterious, that is, because I still can’t get a reply from the National Park Service’s press office. But anyway, mourn not the Parcourse, maybe, because something’s getting built in the field below the Shoreham, just below Calvert Street NW. A pile of lumber. Some light construction equipment. A neatly dug shallow square. If only NPS cared to let us know what was going on, what a cracking story this would be!

For the second year in a row, Mayor Adrian M. Fenty has proved himself faster than the city’s premier alt-weekly local-politics columnist.

This morning, congressional/bureaucratic/judicial/media types gathered at Anacostia Park for the yearly Capital Challenge three-mile race, a fundraiser benefiting the D.C. Special Olympics. Fenty, a special guest participant, finished the race in approximately 18 minutes flat (official results haven’t been posted yet, and since Fenty was a VIP entrant, his time won’t be posted anyway). LL came in at about 21:50.

That’s a pretty good improvement for Fenty, who was in the 18:40s last year, good enough to beat the previous LL’s 20:14. (Fenty’s improvement, though, wasn’t as stark as the current LL’s, who ran a 26:38 last year.)

Other great accomplishment for Fenty: He beat LL’s boss this year. Last year, Mr. Fuego y Frio turned in an 18:35; this year, he was in the low 18:20s. Not good enough to beat Hizzoner this time around.

And Fenty can rest assured knowing his rep precedes him—overheard several times among skinny cross-country types gabbing shortly after the race: “I can’t believe you beat Fenty!”

PS: Apologies to Dave Namamura Nakamura for stealing your shtick here.

Communism. Pay phones. Roger Clemens‘ reputation. The dustbin of history’s getting mighty full.

It’s gonna have to make room for the Rock Creek Park Parcourse, though. The remnants of the ’70s fitness icon were piled in a flatbed trailer this morning, with nothing but fresh holes in the ground to remind one of exercises like the Leg Lift and the Calf Raise.

At one point, according to this article from Outside, there were nearly 4,500 Parcourses installed in American parks. They bloomed with the first blush of fitness chic in the ’70s, when people like Jim Fixx succeeded at making what was once the province of “health nuts” de rigueur. But home exercise equipment and well-equipped urban gyms knocked outdoor courses from fashion—a shame, because exercising outside is a wonderful way to get and stay in shape.

Still, I ride through Rock Creek Park every morning, and I’ve only seen one guy ever using the Parcourse. It wasn’t Wemple, though he says he liked to do pullups at the Parcourse station just south of the Massachusetts Avenue NW bridge, so I guess he’s gonna have to go elsewhere.

I’ve called and e-mailed the National Park Service’s National Capital Region for comment and haven’t heard back; I’ll update when I do.

UPDATE 5 P.M.: Man, what does it take to get a call back from the freakin’ feds? I have never successfully gotten a call returned from NPS.

The Times really burried this debate-ending article today. Turns out scientists can find no evidence that stretching prevents injury. I imagine it does still help if you want to perform strange parlor tricks.

DC designer/gallery owner (etc.) Eric Brewer and partner Keith Jackson have taken on a daunting task: making cycling gear that isn’t atrocious. He sums up the problem thus: “We’d like to have just one stylish jersey we could wear into a coffee shop and not feel like a clown.” As a cyclist, I have to praise Brewer for tackling this problem. I’m willing sacrifice any chance of sexiness by wearing spandex shorts with a padded tush–they are necessary for a litany of unmentionable reasons. But the neon ads for European phone companies, wannabe replica jerseys (polka dots, Discovery, etc.) and goofy cartoon characters, they’re just embarrassing. Unfortunately, sometimes that’s all you have to choose from.

Brewer is debuting his snappy togs in my hometown, Portland, Ore., at the North American Handmade Bicycle Show. Here’s the jersey he designed for the show:

During peak hours at my gym, Results the Gym, you have to sign up for the machines on dry erase boards with 15 minute time slots. At first, I thought it was a total drag. Some people rush in at the strike of 5 and gobble up the best spots. Some people are snotty about letting you know your time is up. But mostly, we all just go along with the rule. It’s fair. It prevents exercise bulimics from hogging the elliptical machines. It creates order.

But yesterday there was an anarchist in our midst. I had signed up for two slots on the treadmill, from 5:45 to 6:15. When I politely waved to the woman on my machine, she shook her head and said she wasn’t done. Her neighbors on other treadmills started telling her get off. She ignored them. Even when a gym staffer came over and told her to play fair, she kept running. One guy started demanding that the staffer pull the plug. Instead, he just walked away. I gave the women a death stare and waited for another machine.

I’ve come to love my strange little gym, despite some early reservations. But now I’m pissed. There are all these horror stories about gyms enforcing obnoxious rules, like the no-grunting policy. But this one is fair. Results the Gym, it’s time to enforce the Rules.

Now, I am all in favor of lawns and art and lawn art. And these little statuettes from home-furnishing cataloguer Frontgate might just make a fine gift. But boy putting and girl putting will run you $2,500. Each.