The case of the mysterious green Saab that is frequently parked in front of a fire hydrant but never has any tickets on it is closed, more or less.

A couple of months ago my brother and sister-in-law noticed a green Saab - the one pictured above with its license plate blurred out - that was, more often than not, parked on their street in front of a fire hydrant.

Why?, they asked, would the car be parked in front of the fire hydrant so often? And why are there never any tickets on it?

We speculated: undercover cop car, undercover diplomat, someone who has something on the chief of police.

In recent months the car started parking in legal spots, and we more or less forgot about it. Until yesterday, when I got a text message from my sister-in-law: Green Saab is back in front of the hydrant!

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Court Clears Way For Fenty’s Meter Plan: The Post is reporting that Superior Court Judge Brook Hedge has sided with the mayor in his quest to install meters in taxi cabs. This appears to be a huge blow to area cab drivers. But let’s face it, they will most likely continue their fight against meters. We can expect to live with the zone system for a while. What are the cabbies going to do?

I predict: the cabbies—if they haven’t already—will file an appeal. And then another appeal. They may even strike (again) on a major holiday!–Jason Cherkis

Last night just up from the fire station at 14th and Newton Streets NW, a police cruiser en route to a call for service sideswiped another car and tumbled into someone’s yard. When I arrived, police tape blocked off everything–including the sidewalks. If you wanted to get to the Red Derby, you were stuck.

When I saw the police cruiser, I actually exclaimed: “Oh My God!” and “Holy Shit!” It looked real bad. The cruiser didn’t look like a car anymore.

Surrounding the cruiser were a lot of functioning police cars–more than six at least. So what? Well, I am writing to report about Assistant Chief Diane Groomes.

Unlike most cops who have worked the yellow tape, Groomes actually talked to the citizens who had pooled at the edges of the scene. She explained to us in detail what had happened. She told us one cop had broken both his legs and another had been taken in for X-Rays. She was calm.

Groomes didn’t yell at us rubberneckers to move along. She didn’t bark unnecessary orders. She actually was kinda cool. I hope other cops follow her lead.

You know the fifty-color fliers and postcards good neighbors leave on your windshield? The ones inviting you to those exclusive afterhours parties and special events? The ones that would make Luther Campbell nod in approval?

While I’m not sure who actually responds to this spam and goes to these things, I do know that they constitute an annoyance. How many of these cards have I tossed into the backseat of my car? Too many!

It’s not a shock that people have complained. Southwest residents have been up in arms over them for a while. They’ve started calling them “Booty Cards.” Kinda perfect.

And they got Councilmember Tommy Wells‘ attention. After months of effort, Wells—along with the D.C. attorney general’s office—has been able to at least banish one company from distributing them. Wells, in a press release, calls this a “partial victory” for Southwest residents—and D.C. citizens in general.

Although he considered them pornographic, Wells knew he couldn’t fight them on indecency issues. Instead, his office went after the company over the trash they produce. A smart move!

-”This is just one battle in a much larger effort,” explains Wells’ Chief of Staff Charles Allen.

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An ongoing chronicle of douchebaggery on the road

Hey, idiot. Yeah, you—the one behind the wheel of 5,000 pounds of steel on 18th Street NW. Come here. There’s something I want to say to you.

No, come closer. It’s a secret. It’s an important secret meant only for you. Are you ready?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU!

OK, I lied. It’s not a secret that just about every person who drives a car in Our Nation’s Capital is a fucking dumbass. And my ALL-CAPS “Fuck You” isn’t meant only for you, either. It’s for every stupid prick who bought a Hummer to compensate for a tiny dick, every soccer mom who traded in her mini-van for an Escalade, and every compact SUV owner who thinks buying a hybrid makes them less of a piece of shit. Fuck you, every last one of you.

Oh, what’s the matter? Do my words hurt you? Are you upset? Are you furiously typing away a defensive comment right now telling me what a great driver you are, how you need that Ford Escape because every once in a while you buy a big piece of furniture at IKEA, or that you picked up that 4×4 option not out of vanity but because you never know when you’ll feel like getting a little off-road action in through Rock Creek Park while chugging some Coors Light?

Well, dumbfuck car-owner, go for it. And, while you’re at it, P.S.: Go fuck yourself.

And do you know why? It’s because you suck. Try walking through the city for a change instead of spending a million spacebucks on gas each month for the privilege of sitting in traffic while the rest of us get to and from work in less time than you do. Do you know what you’ll see at EVERY FUCKING INTERSECTION? An asshole running a stop sign. Another idiot making a right turn on a red light without stopping. Some dipshit accelerating into a crosswalk trying to beat a pedestrian. “Oh, look at me! I’m an important person driving a tank and I can’t be bothered with civilians trying to cross the street!”

You don’t believe me, because you’re too busy being an asshole in your car, honking at people like the prick that you are. But if you were to get your fat, lazy ass out of your automobile and take a nice stroll or bike ride through town, you’d see drivers such as yourself endangering the lives of pedestrians at every goddamned intersection in the city. It’s true.

So it is for you, the stupid car-owning resident of Washington, D.C., that I write this blog entry—as well as those that will inevitably follow it as I continue to be almost killed by stupid shits such as yourself during my daily 10-minute walk to work. No, no—don’t thank me. Thank the batshit crazy driver of the silver Nissan Pathfinder who refused to stop at the crosswalk on Columbia Ave. Road NW in Adams Morgan even though I was in the middle of it. Thankfully, he wasn’t going fast enough to prevent the big fat fucking loogie I hocked up from landing right in the middle of his rear passenger side window.

Yeah, that’s right. I spit on your fucking car. Deal with it.

A few weeks ago, Mr. T in DC complained about the new crossing guards posted at the DCUSA’s Big Box Heaven in Columbia Heights. Mr. T writes:

In one sense, their deployment is a remarkable show of efficiency and planning by the DC government. In addition, the city repaved a bumpy stretch of 14th just north of Target, and laid down new crosswalk striping at some of the key intersections in the vicinity….

However, it seems to me the crossing guards are actually slowing things down for both vehicular and pedestrian traffic. The mere presence of people in the middle of the road, wearing bright yellow, waving arms, and blowing whistles is causing some hesitation, especially when they contradict the traffic lights. For pedestrians, they are slowing everyone down by insisting on strict but unrealistic compliance with the walk/don’t walk signals.”

I think Mr. T has a point. I know I hesitate just a little bit when turning on to my street. Hey! I don’t want to hit and/or piss off one of those whistle-blowing crossing guards! Still. At first the traffic wasn’t terrible with the new Target. It just meant that nearly every day felt like Sunday. Instead of churchgoers parking on my block, we have shoppers clutching huge reams of toilet paper.

The traffic has become terrible. I noticed with the opening of Best Buy, 14th Street NW became what we all thought it would–a huge headache. This past Saturday, a line of cars stretched from 14th and Irving to well past the old Giant. Basically, the traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. It was around noon.

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Usually they don’t break. It’s especially sad because the eggs came from the farmers market. Fresh and expensive. Maybe supermarket eggs are engineered to withstand potholes.

Everybody hates Delaware. Cross into that tiny state and you get tolled. Now the Post is reporting that bigwigs want tolls everywhere:

Regional transportation and political leaders are increasingly coming to the conclusion that the only way to keep the chronically congested Washington region moving is tolls, and plenty of them.

A report to be released Wednesday pushes a regionwide system that would place tolls on most existing area highways, bridges into the District, the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, George Washington Memorial Parkway and such major District thoroughfares as New York Avenue. The key to success, the authors say, is the comprehensiveness of the network.

So just imagine New York Avenue with tolls. And the BW Parkway with tolls. Not a pretty picture. Now picture them with tolls that accept credit cards as some in VA now do. It’s gonna suck.